by Alan Bennett
He motions to Dakin, who goes off.
Dakin knocks on door.
Voilà. Déjà un client!
Qui est la femme de chambre?
Posner Moi. Je suis la femme de chambre.
Hector Comment appelez-vous?
Posner Je m’appelle Simone.
Dakin knocks again.
Akthar Simone, le monsieur ne peut pas attendre.
Posner opens the door and curtseys.
Posner Bonjour, monsieur.
Dakin Bonjour, chérie.
Posner Entrez, s’il vous plaît.
Voilà votre lit et voici votre prostituée.
Hector Oh. Ici on appelle un chat un chat.
Dakin Merci, madame.
Posner Mademoiselle.
Dakin Je veux m’étendre sur le lit.
Hector Je voudrais … I would like to stretch out on the bed in the conditional or the subjunctive.
Dakin makes to lie down.
Posner Mais les chaussures, monsieur, pas sur le lit.
Et vos pantalons, s’il vous plaît.
Dakin Excusez-moi, mademoiselle.
Posner Oh! Quelles belles jambes!
Dakin Watch it.
Posner Et maintenant … Claudine (Timms).
Dakin Oui, la prostituée, s’il vous plaît.
Scripps plays piano accompaniment, a version of ‘La Vie en Rose’.
Crowther Monsieur, je pensais que vous voudriez des préliminaires?
Dakin Quels préliminaires?
Posner Claudine. Quels préliminaires sont sur le menu?
Timms (Claudine) A quel prix?
Dakin Dix francs.
Timms (Claudine) Dix francs? Pour dix francs je peux vous montrer ma prodigieuse poitrine.
Dakin Et maintenant, pourrais-je caresser la poitrine?
Timms (Claudine) Ça vous couterait quinze francs.
Pour vingt francs vous pouvez poser votre bouche sur ma poitrine en agitant …
Lockwood En agitant quoi?
There is a knock at the door.
Posner Un autre client. (He lets them in.)
Hector Ah, cher Monsieur le Directeur.
The Headmaster comes in with Irwin.
Headmaster Mr Hector, I hope I’m not …
Hector holds up an admonitory finger.
Hector L’Anglais, c’est interdit. Ici on ne parle que français, en accordant une importance particulière au subjonctif.
Headmaster Oh, ah.
Et qu’est ce-que ce passe ici?
Pourquoi cet garçon … Dakin, isn’t it? … est sans ses … trousers?
Hector Quelqu’un? Ne soit pas timide. Dites à cher Monsieur le Directeur ce que nous faisons.
The boys are frozen.
Dakin Je suis un homme qui …
Hector Vous n’êtes pas un homme. Vous êtes un soldat … un soldat blessé; vous comprenez, cher Monsieur le Directeur … soldat blessé?
Headmaster Wounded soldier, of course, yes.
Hector Ici c’est un hôpital en Belgique.
Headmaster Belgique? Pourquoi Belgique?
Akthar À Ypres, sir. Ypres. Pendant la Guerre Mondiale Numéro Une.
Hector C’est ça. Dakin est un soldat blessé, un mutilé de guerre et les autres sont des médecins, infirmières et tout le personnel d’un grand établissement médical et thérapeutique.
Continuez, mes enfants.
Headmaster Mais …
A boy begins to moan.
Akthar Qu’il souffre!
Lockwood Ma mère! Ma mère!
Akthar Il appelle sa mère.
Lockwood Mon père!
Akthar Il appelle son père.
Lockwood Ma tante!
Headmaster Sa tante?
Timms La famille entière.
Hector Il est distrait. Il est distrait.
Irwin Il est commotionné, peut-être?
The classroom falls silent at this unexpected intrusion.
Hector Comment?
Irwin Commotionné. Shell-shocked.
There is a perceptible moment.
Hector C’est possible. Commotionné. Oui, c’est le mot juste.
Headmaster Permettez-moi d’introduire M. Irwin, notre nouveau professeur.
Hector Enchanté.
Headmaster Ce que je veux …
Hector Veuille … veu … ille …
Headmaster Vei-uille. Enough of this… silliness. Not silliness, no … but … Mr Hector, you are aware that these pupils are Oxbridge candidates.
Hector Are they? Are you sure? Nobody has told me.
Headmaster Mr Irwin will be coaching them, but it’s a question of time. I have found him three lessons a week and I was wondering …
Hector No, Headmaster. (He covers his ears.)
Headmaster Purely on a temporary basis. It will be the last time, I promise.
Hector Last time was the last time also.
Headmaster I am thinking of the boys.
Hector I, too. Non. Absolument non. Non. Non. Non. C’est hors de question. Et puis, si vous voulez m’excuser, je dois continuer la leçon. ~À tout à l’heure.
Headmaster looks at Irwin.
Headmaster Fuck.
They go as the bell goes.
Rudge It’s true, though, sir. We don’t have much time.
Hector Now, who goes home?
There are no offers.
Surely I can give someone a lift?
Who’s on pillion duty?
Dakin?
Dakin Not me, sir. Going into town.
Hector Crowther?
Crowther Off for a run, sir.
Hector Akthar?
Akthar Computer club, sir.
Posner I’ll come, sir.
Hector No. No. Never mind.
Scripps (resignedly) I’ll come, sir.
Hector Ah, Scripps.
Hector goes.
Scripps The things I do for Jesus. (As he goes he gives Dakin the finger.)
Posner I’d go.
I’m never asked.
Dakin You don’t fit the bill.
Timms Me neither.
Dakin I tell you, be grateful.
Irwin (distributing exercise books) Dull.
Dull.
Abysmally dull.
A triumph … the dullest of the lot.
Dakin I got all the points.
Irwin I didn’t say it was wrong. I said it was dull.
Its sheer competence was staggering.
Interest nil.
Oddity nil.
Singularity nowhere.
Dakin Actually, sir, I know tradition requires it of the eccentric schoolmaster, but do you mind not throwing the books? They tend to fall apart.
Crowther It’s the way we’ve been taught, sir.
Lockwood Mrs Lintott discourages the dramatic, sir.
‘This is history not histrionics.’
Timms You’ve got crap handwriting, sir.
I read Irwin as ‘I ruin’. Significant or what?
Irwin It’s your eyesight that’s bad and we know what that’s caused by.
Timms Sir! Is that a coded reference to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?
Irwin Possibly. It might even be a joke.
Timms A joke, sir. Oh. Are jokes going to be a feature, sir? We need to know as it affects our mind-set.
Akthar You don’t object to our using the expression, ‘mind-set’, do you, sir? Mr Hector doesn’t care for it. He says if he catches any of us using it he’ll kick our arses from bollocks to sundown, sir.
Irwin regards them for a moment or two in silence.
Irwin At the time of the Reformation there were fourteen foreskins of Christ preserved, but it was thought that the church of St John Lateran in Rome had the authentic prepuce.
Dakin Don’t think we’re shocked by your mention of the word ‘foreskin’, sir.
Crowther No, sir. Some of us even have them.
Lockwood Not Posner, though, sir. Posner’s like, you know, Jewi
sh.
It’s one of several things Posner doesn’t have.
Posner mouths ‘Fuck off.’
Lockwood That’s not racist, though, sir.
Crowther Isn’t it?
Lockwood It’s race-related, but it’s not racist.
Akthar Actually, I’ve not got one either. Moslems don’t.
Another pause while Irwin regards the class.
Irwin Has anybody been to Rome?
No? Well, you will be competing against boys and girls who have. And they will have been to Rome and Venice, Florence and Perugia, and they will doubtless have done courses on what they have seen there. So they will know when they come to do an essay like this on the Church on the eve of the Reformation that some silly nonsense on the foreskins of Christ will come in handy so that their essays, unlike yours, will not be dull.
Think bored examiners.
Think sixty, think a hundred and sixty papers even more competent than the last so that the fourteen foreskins of Christ will come as a real ray of sunshine.
Come the fourteen foreskins of Christ and they’ll think they’ve won the pools.
Irwin pauses as before.
You should hate them.
Crowther Who, sir?
Irwin Hate them because these boys and girls against whom you are to compete have been groomed like thoroughbreds for this one particular race. Put head to head with them and, on the evidence of these essays, you have none of you got a hope.
Crowther So why are we bothering?
Irwin I don’t know.
I don’t know at all.
You want it, I imagine. Or your parents want it. The Headmaster certainly wants it.
But I wouldn’t waste the money. Judging by these, there is no point.
Go to Newcastle and be happy.
Long pause.
Of course, there is another way.
Crowther How?
Timms Cheat?
Irwin Possibly.
The bell rings and he is going out.
And Dakin.
Dakin Yes, sir?
Irwin Don’t take the piss.
There isn’t time. (He goes.)
Timms What a wanker.
Dakin They all have to do it, don’t they?
Crowther Do what?
Dakin Show you they’re still in the game. Foreskins and stuff. ‘Ooh, sir! You devil!’
Scripps Have a heart. He’s only five minutes older than we are.
Dakin What happened with Hector? On the bike?
Scripps As per. Except I managed to get my bag down.
I think he thought he’d got me going. In fact it was my
Tudor Economic Documents, Volume Two.
They stop talking as Posner comes up.
Posner Because I was late growing up I am not included in this kind of conversation. I am not supposed to understand. Actually, they would be surprised how much I know about them and their bodies and everything else.
Scripps Dakin’s navel, I remember, was small and hard like an unripe blackberry. Posner’s navel was softer and more like that of the eponymous orange. Posner envied Dakin his navel and all the rest of him. That this envy might amount to love does not yet occur to Posner, as to date it has only caused him misery and dissatisfaction.
Posner goes and they resume the conversation.
Dakin I wish sometimes he’d just go for it.
Scripps Posner?
Dakin Hector.
Scripps He does go for it. That’s the trouble.
Dakin In controlled conditions. Not on the fucking bike. I’m terrified.
Scripps Of the sex?
Dakin No. Of the next roundabout.
Rudge is having sex, apparently.
Rudge Only on Fridays. I need the weekend free for rugger. And golf.
Nobody thinks I have a hope in this exam.
Fuck ’em.
Dakin Currently I am seeing Fiona, the Headmaster’s secretary, not that he knows. We haven’t done it yet, but when we do I’m hoping one of the times might be on his study floor.
Scripps Shit!
Dakin It’s like the Headmaster says: one should have targets.
Staff room.
Mrs Lintott The new man seems clever.
Hector He does. Depressingly so.
Mrs Lintott Men are, at history, of course.
Hector Why history particularly?
Mrs Lintott Story-telling so much of it, which is what men do naturally.
My ex, for instance. He told stories.
Hector Was he an historian?
Mrs Lintott Lintott? No. A chartered accountant.
Legged it to Dumfries.
Hector Dakin’s a good-looking boy, though somehow sad.
Mrs Lintott You always think they’re sad, Hector, every, every time. Actually I wouldn’t have said he was sad. I would have said he was cunt-struck.
Hector Dorothy.
Mrs Lintott I’d have thought you’d have liked that. It’s a compound adjective. You like compound adjectives.
Hector He’s clever, though.
Mrs Lintott They’re all clever. I saw to that.
Hector You give them an education. I give them the wherewithal to resist it. We are that entity beloved of our Headmaster, a ‘team’.
Mrs Lintott You take a longer view than most. These days, teachers just remember the books they discovered and loved as students and shove them on the syllabus. Then they wonder why their pupils aren’t as keen as they are. No discovery is why. Catcher in the Rye is a current example. Or have I got the whole thing wrong?
Hector Maybe Auden has it right.
Mrs Lintott That’s a change.
Hector Dorothy.
‘Let each child that’s in your care …’
Mrs Lintott I know, ‘… have as much neurosis as the child can bear.’
And how many children had Auden, pray?
Classroom.
Irwin So we arrive eventually at the less-than-startling discovery that so far as the poets are concerned, the First World War gets the thumbs-down.
We have the mountains of dead on both sides, right … ‘hecatombs’, as you all seem to have read somewhere …
Anybody know what it means?
Posner ‘Great public sacrifice of many victims, originally of oxen.’
Dakin Which, sir, since Wilfred Owen says men were dying like cattle, is the appropriate word.
Irwin True, but no need to look so smug about it.
What else? Come on, tick them all off.
Crowther Trench warfare.
Lockwood Barrenness of the strategy.
Timms On both sides.
Akthar Stupidity of the generals.
Timms Donkeys, sir.
Dakin Haigh particularly.
Posner Humiliation of Germany at Versailles. Redrawing of national borders.
Crowther Ruhr and the Rhineland.
Akthar Mass unemployment. Inflation.
Timms Collapse of the Weimar Republic. Internal disorder. And … The Rise of Hitler!
Irwin So. Our overall conclusion is that the origins of the Second War lie in the unsatisfactory outcome of the First.
Timms (doubtfully) Yes. (with more certainty) Yes.
Others nod.
Irwin First class. Bristol welcomes you with open arms. Manchester longs to have you. You can walk into Leeds. But I am a fellow of Magdalen College, Oxford, and I have just read seventy papers all saying the same thing and I am asleep …
Scripps But it’s all true.
Irwin What has that got to do with it? What has that got to do with anything?
Let’s go back to 1914 and I’ll put you a different case.
Try this for size.
Germany does not want war and if there is an arms race it is Britain who is leading it. Though there’s no reason why we should want war. Nothing in it for us. Better stand back and let Germany and Russia fight it out while we take the imperial pickings.
These are facts
.
Why do we not care to acknowledge them? The cattle, the body count. We still don’t like to admit the war was even partly our fault because so many of our people died. A photograph on every mantelpiece. And all this mourning has veiled the truth. It’s not so much lest we forget, as lest we remember. Because you should realise that so far as the Cenotaph and the Last Post and all that stuff is concerned, there’s no better way of forgetting something than by commemorating it.
And Dakin.
Dakin Sir?
Irwin You were the one who was morally superior about Haigh.
Dakin Passchendaele. The Somme. He was a butcher, sir.
Irwin Yes, but at least he delivered the goods. No, no, the real enemy to Haigh’s subsequent reputation was the Unknown Soldier. If Haigh had had any sense he’d have had him disinterred and shot all over again for giving comfort to the enemy.
Lockwood So what about the poets, then?
Irwin What about them? If you read what they actually say as distinct from what they write, most of them seem to have enjoyed the war.
Siegfried Sassoon was a good officer. Saint Wilfred Owen couldn’t wait to get back to his company. Both of them surprisingly bloodthirsty.
Poetry is good up to a point. Adds flavour.
Dakin It’s the foreskins again, isn’t it? Bit of garnish.
Irwin (ignoring this) But if you want to relate the politics to the war, forget Wilfred Owen and try Kipling:
Akthar Thanks a lot.
Irwin
‘If any question why we died,
Tell them because our fathers lied.’
In other words …
Timms Oh no, sir. With respect, can I stop you? No, with a poem or any work of art we can never say ‘in other words’. If it is a work of art there are no other words.
Lockwood Yes, sir. That’s why it is a work of art in the first place.
You can’t look at a Rembrandt and say ‘in other words’, can you, sir?
Irwin is puzzled where all this comes from but is distracted by Rudge.
Rudge So what’s the verdict then, sir? What do I write down?
Irwin You can write down, Rudge, that ‘I must not write down every word that teacher says.’
You can also wArite down that the First World War was0a mistake. It was not a tragedy.
And as for the truth, Scripps, which you were worrying about: truth is no more at issue in an examination than thirst at a wine-tasting or fashion at a striptease.
Dakin Do you really believe that, sir, or are you just trying to make us think?
Scripps You can’t explain away the poetry, sir.
Lockwood No, sir. Art wins in the end.
