by Eve R. Hart
I decided then, that I wouldn’t burden him with my problems. Inhaling a deep breath of smoke, loving the way it burned as it filled my lungs, I wrapped up the conversation as quickly as possible without seeming rude. Then I headed out and back to where I longed to be, even if being there sent me into a tailspin of emotions.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Axe
A week went by and sometimes it felt like Allison and
I were two strange people occupying the same space. She kept her distance and I let her. As the days ticked on, I felt it harder to resist being around her. I wanted her, but not only that, I felt like I was empty without her. It didn’t even make any sense and I thought I was going fucking crazy.
Neiryn and I hung out when she needed to do things, like clean and shower and cook. He was like my little sidekick and I found myself over the damn moon that he liked hanging out with me.
The little guy wanted to be glued to my side whenever I was around and it made my damn heart flutter the way he looked at me. That look threw me and I thought it was weird as fuck.
I thought back to my dad and I never remembered a time when I’d looked at him like that. It was an adorable mix between starstruck and awe. The Lil man looked at me like I was some kind of hero. I couldn’t lie, it gutted me and at the same time, made me want to be that man for him. The kind of man that he would want to emulate. The good and strong and loving all at the same time.
In other words, the exact opposite of what I had grown up with.
I started to wonder if that was enough. If wanting to be a better man was good enough to be someone’s idol. I knew I still had shit to work through, and the truth was, I doubted I would ever really get over it. The years of abuse I’d received from my father had left me with a scarred soul.
Diesel’s old lady, Ellie, had ordered a bunch of stuff I had asked for. She really came through for me.
I felt bad that for the most part, I had kept my distance from Ellie. It wasn’t necessarily her, I just wasn’t a very social person. Even when I was at the bar or clubhouse hanging out with my brothers, I felt like an outcast. I felt awkward and so different from everyone. I hated to say that I spent a lot of time in my head even when I was around people. But I was thankful that no one had ever made me feel like a freak. No matter how distant I seemed, most everyone in the club tried to include me whenever I was around.
So, yeah, Diesel had got lucky when Ellie—and Fate—had pretty much stumbled into his path. The speck of a woman had room in her heart for everyone and she was there to help out whenever anyone might need it. And I shouldn’t have been surprised that she jumped all over it after I sent Diesel a text asking for what I needed. At my request, Ellie went online and got pretty much anything and everything Allison and Neiryn might have needed. I was just waiting for all of it to be delivered. And at the end of the week, most of it was being unloaded off of the brown delivery truck.
“What the heck is all of this?” Allison said as she came out of the kitchen where she’d been cooking dinner.
I helped the delivery man drag the last huge box into the living room.
“Stuff,” I said giving her a playful smile.
She rolled her eyes at me but I could see the smile that she was trying her damnedest to hold back.
We hadn’t talked about what had happened that first night. I felt bad enough about it and I had spent the week wrestling with myself over it. I tried my hardest to keep my distance. I did my best to turn off the images I had in my head and ignore all the things I wanted to do to her. It didn’t mean that they didn’t pop up, especially when I was alone on the couch with nothing but a quiet house and my thoughts.
I couldn’t figure out what that meant. I felt like a monster and if I really let myself think about it, I started to hate the man I was on the inside.
Allison’s story—her past—was beyond fucked up. How she’d not only survived it but made it out blew my mind. And truth was, watching her you’d never know that she went through all of that. Not that I was saying she was a liar. I believed her completely because there were just some things that you couldn’t fake, and that look that she had in her eyes when she relived her nightmare to tell me about it was one hundred percent real. I knew all too well about shutting down to protect myself. That was what she did then, she shut down.
That was another thing that gutted me about what I’d done. I could have sworn in the moment that she wanted it. I would have backed down if I’d even seen an ounce of hesitation. But there wasn’t. Her eyes and her body showed me everything I needed to know. Or so I thought. And yeah, when I put my hands between her legs, I had found her wet for me, but I knew better. Had I known everything before I would have never gone that far. I would have seen and understood it was the way she learned to deal. The way her body had learned to protect itself.
Just thinking about it made me want to throw up. I’d violated her. There was no other way to put it. Sure, she didn’t open her mouth and tell me ‘no’ or make a move to stop me, but I imagined that she wouldn’t have. I was sure those words held little effect or value for her for the last seven years.
So, I kept my distance. I didn’t touch her. I didn’t try to corner her. I never blocked her escape. I tried my hardest to make her feel comfortable and safe. If I was effective, I had no idea.
But there were moments when I saw her shoulders relax. And my favorite, when she would join me on the couch after she put Neiryn down in his pen to sleep. Sometimes she would lean a little closer to me when we watched TV. Those moments I could tell you everything about her but nothing about what was playing out in front of us. Sure, my eyes may have been glued to the screen but my mind was on her as I watched her out of the side of my eye.
The more the days wore on, I began to find that I had a playful side. Maybe it had been there all along, only I’d never had the opportunity to let it out. Then again maybe it was hanging around a kid so much. Sure, Tank’s kid spent time at the club, but I was never really actively around him for too long. And if I was being honest, I shied away from spending time around Grass. Not because I hated kids, it was more that I just didn’t think I was good enough to be around them. I never wanted my messed up nature to rub off on them. If that even made sense.
“No, for real, Axe. What is all this?” Her face softened as she looked at me and I tried my best not to read too much into it. Though, I couldn’t deny that it hit me in the chest like a ball of fire exploding outward.
“Just some stuff I figured you might need.” I pulled out my pocket knife and sliced through the tape of one of the medium sized boxes.
I could see her eyes flash for a brief second with fear and I did my best to look natural. As quickly as I whipped my knife out, I folded it back up and shoved it into my pocket and out of sight. Her feet shuffled hesitantly towards me as I pulled the flaps of the box open.
I yanked out a copper bottom pot and a cast iron skillet. Then a box of plain silverware and a set of dishes that were all white with a hint of raised design around the edge. I handed her the dishes and moved on to the next box.
“Axe…” her voice held a tone that I hadn’t heard from her before and I was almost afraid to lift my gaze to hers. It was soft and warm, and if I wasn’t mistaken a little sad.
I felt out of my element, so I kept my focus on the task at hand and didn’t stop for even a second. I pulled out new toys for Neiryn out of the next one and set them out on the ground.
Emotions were thick in the air and I wasn’t sure which ones were choking me more, hers or mine.
“Look at me, Axe,” she said, and I froze. My hands still had a hold on a bunch of loose kids books that I had gathered up from the bottom of the box. “Axe.” Her hand reached out and touched mine.
My throat worked down a hard swallow. This wasn’t me. The way her voice called my name made me feel like I was a goddamn hero. But I wasn’t. I was the furthest thing from that. After what I’d done…I couldn’t believe she was even there
next to me, touching me.
I cleared my throat, set the books down on the ground, and stood up. Without even looking at her, I turned and walked out the front door like a damn pussy.
I felt like a giant dickwad. I should have talked to her but I just couldn’t. Instead, I left, knowing that she was insecure on the inside and that she would more than likely take my abruptness to heart, but who could blame her given what the fuck she’d been through.
Fuck!
I knew I had to fix it, but first, I needed some time to think.
I ended up at the clubhouse, no surprise there. It was still early and the place seemed pretty empty. Without even stopping to talk to anyone I headed to my room, grabbed my ax, and headed out back. I needed some alone time and what better way to work through what the hell was going on in my head than getting my frustration out on some wood.
Two hours later, I was sweaty, tired, and hadn’t worked through any of the shit in my mind. I was losing daylight and even I knew it wasn’t smart to swing an ax in the dark. With heavy steps, I retreated back to the clubhouse thinking that maybe hanging out with my brothers would provide enough of a distraction.
I showered, then headed out to the bar area. The club girls, including Jessica, were out in full force even though there were only a handful of brothers there. Crow and Brand were shooting pool at one of the tables, a bad eighties action movie playing on the TV behind them. Dane and Lake were carrying on a conversation, both of their eyes glued to the TV so I could only imagine that they were talking about how shitty the movie was. I chuckled to myself as I watched a few scenes play out on the giant screen. It was really bad.
A few older members were scattered about, their choice of girl for the night hanging off their arms. Jessica sat on one of the couches, her body pressed tight against one of the new prospects.
I took a seat at the bar next to Seven. His hard face glanced over at me and he offered up a chin lift.
“You doin’ alright?” he asked before tipping back his beer.
“Yeah,” I supplied as I reached over the bar and snagged a bottle of water out of the cooler.
“Motherfucker!” Bocca’s normally laid-back voice roared out from down the hall.
I leaned back in my seat just in time to see his computer chair go flying out of his room into the hall, where it crashed into the wall on the opposite side of his door. A moment later, he stalked down the hall, his bulky shoulders pulled up with tension. He met my gaze and I could see the volcano about to erupt behind his eyes. I’d never seen Bocca mad like that before. Sure, the shit we were having to deal with regarding Savage enraged us all, but this was on another level. His head jerked in the direction of Cal’s office and I was off my stool without a second thought.
“The fuck, man?” I asked as I caught up with him.
His chest heaved and his damn body looked like it was vibrating. Damn, he was pissed. He didn’t answer me as he banged on the office door.
“Yeah?” Cal called out and we both entered. “What?” Cal barked.
“Shit. I’m sorry, prez. I can’t believe I didn't catch this before. Fuck. Fuck!” Bocca said, his eyes wild.
“I’m not gonna ask you again,” Cal said and even though he looked calm, I could tell he was a bit shaken.
All these months it was like we were waiting for the next thing to hit us. We’d been through so much and sure, we were getting ourselves together and gearing up for a war to end this shit, but that didn’t mean that something couldn’t happen during that time.
“Someone got into our system,” he all but roared.
Now, I didn’t understand even half of the shit he did, but I understood what he was saying right then and it wasn’t fucking good.
“How long?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” I could hear the anger and disappointment in his voice.
“How the fuck this happen?” I asked.
Bocca paced the small space in Cal’s office. His eyes were unfocused as his hand reached back to free his man bun from the tie thing he used. His hand raked angrily through his hair.
“I got this email. Actually, I’ve gotten a few of them. It was from a company that I order from a lot, offering me a gift card because I’d ordered so much. I mean, it seemed legit, and the gift card was real. So, I never really thought of it before…”
“How many of these have you gotten?” I asked, trying my best to follow along.
“Over the last three years…like five.”
“Okay, so what does this have to do with whatever?” Cal barked and I could tell he understood even less than I did.
“So, last night I was looking through things, checking the security on all the cameras, and I saw a flicker. Normally no big deal, but me being super paranoid and all, I started to look into it. After hours and hours of digging and combing through everything in my system, I found something.” He paused to take a deep, calming breath.
“Look, man, not too much detail, you know we don’t get that shit. Just tell us what’s up,” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder in an attempt to let him know I was there and hopefully calm him.
I could tell he was rattled and I knew he wouldn’t let this shit happen on a normal day. I imagined whoever it was had to be as good as him at that geek stuff. Maybe even better. We needed to find out how this happened and who the fuck it was. Then we needed to figure out how much they knew. This could fuck up our plans for taking down Savage. I could only pray that it wasn’t someone on Savage’s payroll.
“I don’t know who it is. But they got into everything. They’ve been watching us through our cameras. They also have all of our info…everything I’ve ever found out…” His eyes looked to Cal with a deep sadness. “The email is how they got in. It looked legit, it wasn’t until I really started looking and found the one flaw, two of the letters were switched. I can’t believe I didn’t catch it.”
“Isn’t it like a brain thing that when you see shit like that it automatically fixes it, or some shit? Nothin’ we can do about it now, brother. We just need to find a way to fix this, or shut it down, or what-the-fuck-ever you do.” I was trying to be helpful. I was pretty sure I’d heard that first part somewhere at one point in my life.
Bocca’s eyes shot over to me and he gave me a look that let me know he appreciated it, but at the same time, he knew it was no excuse.
“How do we stop them from seein’ or gettin’ more shit?” Cal asked.
“I can shut everything down and install a new security patch. It took me a hot min, but I figured out that every time I updated the security was when I got a new email. I do that and we should be straight.”
“Providing you don’t open any fuckin’ emails, right?” Cal said, his tone was slightly joking but his look was hard.
Cal was a good man despite the rough life he’d led. He was a damn good leader and had one hell of a heart, even if he didn’t show it most of the time. While I knew he was pissed about the situation, and maybe even a little at Bocca, he was like a damn father to most of us. So, he may have been mad and even disappointed but he wasn’t going to cut Bocca down to prove his point.
I believed that was what made him great, he ruled with his head and his heart, not using fear. That wasn’t to say that he couldn’t be downright scary if he needed to be.
“Yeah. No, won’t fucking happen again,” Bocca said, straightening his spine and giving Cal his full attention.
“I’m callin’ church,” Cal said. “We need to let everyone know and figure out how to keep this from happenin’ again.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Axe
Within ten minutes, all of us had dumped our phones into a big crate that was currently sitting locked up in Cal’s office. Bocca would take care of that later as well as collect the ones from all those that weren’t here. We took our seats around the table. Cal included Brand in this one even though Tank was back. I had an idea that there was something going through Cal’s head but now was not the time to g
o asking.
The outrage was thick in the air after Bocca stood and repeated everything he’d said in Cal’s office. To know that someone had been watching us and digging into our shit, for a fucking while, too, put us all on edge. Bocca was still searching, trying his hardest to find out who was behind the whole thing. Even if he didn’t say it, I could tell that whoever it may have been was actually better than him at all that shit.
“What’s the place?” Crow asked after the room calmed down. Bocca looked over at him with confusion plastered on his face. “The email, the place you ordered from. I just want to know what I’m on the lookout for, ya know, if I’ve ordered from there before.”
Bocca’s face actually flushed for a second and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Brand bring his hand up to cover his mouth as if he was trying his best to hide a smile or maybe even choke back a laugh.
Then it clicked in my mind and I almost chuckled myself.
“Uh, I’m sure you haven’t,” Bocca said doing his best to cover that shit.
I knew.
Oh, did I fucking know.
I’d had the misfortune to witness him wearing that shit he ordered.
“For fuck’s sake, man,” Cal said looking at Bocca and pinning him with a look that said he needed to answer.
“Man huggers,” Brand supplied from the corner.
“The fuck?” Cal asked, his brows pinched tight in confusion.
“Banana hammocks, cock holster, brief floss, cucumber smuggler…” Brand went on and the whole room erupted in laughter. Which, given the tense situation, I think we kinda needed.
“Man thongs. Okay, I wear man thongs sometimes,” Bocca barked and we laughed even harder. Then he looked around and busted out just like the rest of us. That shit was fucking funny.
“How the hell you know what he wears?” Tank asked with humor in his voice as he looked at Brand.
