by Susan Stoker
“Grace-”
“It’s not right that you didn’t know. I wrote you every week. Every week, Logan. I-”
“Grace-” Her name was said more forcefully now, but she still ignored it.
“I couldn’t wait to get out of Castle Rock and come be with you. I had the biggest crush on you in high school and was so excited because I thought you’d finally noticed me. It-”
Done trying to get through to her with words, Logan simply tilted her head up and silenced her with his mouth.
Grace froze for a moment, then melted into him. The kiss, which started out hard and rough to shut her up, changed in an instant to sweet and erotic. Their tongues danced and dueled.
The letters fell unnoticed to the bedside as they made out. Logan nibbled on Grace’s lower lip, she sucked on his in return. When he licked the roof of her mouth, Grace gasped and moaned, moving her hands to the back of his head and tugging on his hair in her ecstasy.
Reluctantly, Logan pulled back, but he didn’t go far.
Grace felt his weight all along her body, his obvious erection throbbing between her legs, his hands framing her face.
“You really are a morning person, aren’t you?”
She nodded up at him, not sure whether to hang on to her anger or be embarrassed.
“I like it. Feel free to wake me up this way every morning,” Logan told her as he rubbed his nose against hers.
“What? By getting pissed and then scaring you?”
“No. With your enthusiasm and passion. I don’t like that you’re angry, even if it’s on my behalf. But I do like that you didn’t hide it from me. No more secrets between us. Okay? I think we both have firsthand knowledge of the damage they can do.”
“I agree.” Grace hesitated, then blurted out impatiently, “Will you read my letters? Seeing what you wrote to me was heartbreaking and maddening at the same time,” Grace told him honestly. “Reading your words in black and white brought home how much I let my parents control me as I tried to get their approval.”
Logan was shaking his head, but Grace continued, “Yeah, I did. I let them control me. Maybe I could’ve broken free of them if I’d stopped caring what they thought about me like you did when you got away from your mom. Maybe not. But I didn’t get the chance. Now is my chance. I want the air cleared between us, Logan. I wanted to be with you so badly back then. And when I finally accepted that you didn’t feel the same way, it hurt, so I turned to what I was used to . . . namely letting my parents make all the decisions for me. Doing whatever I could to get them to show me a shred of affection. The last few years I’ve started breaking free in little ways. I want a clean slate between us, and I don’t think I can do that unless you know what was in my heart back then.”
“There will never be a clean slate, Grace,” Logan said, then quickly followed it with, “No, don’t take that the wrong way,” when she wrinkled her brow in distress. “There can’t be a clean slate, because we have a history. We were friends. Good friends. And I wanted more, but was too chicken to ask you out. I thought I’d have plenty of time, when I should’ve known better. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. I knew it, but ignored it like the stupid teenager I was.”
He leaned down and kissed her forehead before continuing. “We have a history. One that was pretty darn amazing. Amazing enough that I told you I loved you in a letter when we hadn’t ever done anything but brush our lips against each other.” He ignored her blush and went on. “So no, there will never be a clean slate between us.”
“Wow, um, okay,” Grace said, staring up at him, stunned. “No clean slate. I’m okay with that.”
“Good. Now, come on, Smarty, we have a lot to do today. Get showered. I’ll make breakfast. I’ll read your letters. We’ll talk about this week with my brothers and figure out where we go from here. But, Grace, wherever it is, know that I’ll be at your side. You’ve broken free of your parents’ hold, and I’m not letting you go back.”
“I don’t want to go back.”
“Good.” Logan rolled off her and lay on his side next to her, his head propped up on his hand. “Now scoot, before I lose what little control I have and find out what you’re wearing underneath my shirt.”
Grace blushed, but did as he asked. She headed for his door before looking back. “Do you have bacon?”
“Am I a guy?”
She giggled. “I’d love to have a heaping plate of bacon. And scrambled eggs. And toast with a ton of butter and jelly.”
“Then that’s what you’ll have. I take it that’s not what you usually eat in the mornings?”
She made a face. “No. Usually dry toast, an egg-white omelet with spinach and goat cheese, or sometimes a small bowl of plain oatmeal.”
Logan’s face got hard for a moment before softening. “Go, Grace. Take as long a shower as you want. I’ll make a breakfast fit for a queen. Your new life starts this morning.”
“Awesome,” she breathed, smiling widely at Logan as she turned once more to the door.
“And make sure the bacon is extra crispy,” she called out when she was halfway down the hall.
Grace heard Logan’s bark of laughter as she closed the bathroom door behind her.
Chapter Eighteen
Logan cooked an entire package of bacon and fried it up exactly to Grace’s specifications. Crispy, but not burnt. He loved watching her enjoy her meal. She ate daintily, obviously a by-product of the way she was raised, but with a gusto that made him feel good.
They sat on the couch to eat since the table was covered in his papers, but Grace didn’t seem to care. She smiled and laughed as she ate her meal, praising him for how delicious it was. The fact that she could still be lighthearted and sweet after everything she’d been through was a miracle. The more Logan thought about it, the more he realized that he was an extremely lucky man. The past ten years could’ve completely changed Grace’s personality, but by some miracle, they hadn’t.
They laughed at shared memories from high school, and Logan could feel the electricity between them, stronger and deeper than it had been back in the day. Every time their eyes met she blushed but didn’t look away. They were building their relationship anew each time they made eye contact.
When they’d finished eating, Grace looked at the stack of her letters sitting on the coffee table and then casually informed Logan, “I’m a bit tired. I’m going to take a short nap while you read through my letters. Okay?”
“You don’t have to go.”
She shrugged. “You gave me privacy to read yours, it’s the least I can do. Besides, I’m embarrassed. I was eighteen when I wrote those.”
Logan stood and gathered her into his arms. He was getting used to her in his embrace. He liked it.
Pulling away, Logan looked into her eyes for a long time. She looked worried and shy at the same time. Logan let her off the hook, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable than she already was. “I’ll come get you when I’m done. Yeah?”
“Yeah. Sounds like a plan. You’ll know where I’ll be,” she said with a saucy grin, leaning up and kissing him on his chin.
She walked away and Logan stared after her even after she disappeared down the hall, his thoughts all over the place. Relieved she was safe. Happy she was with him. And anticipating getting to know her better.
Logan went back to the couch and picked up the packet of letters. He slowly pulled the faded pink ribbon until the bow came undone. Unlike his letters, there were no postmarks to tell him which came first. He decided to start at the top, figuring Grace most likely kept them in order.
His name was on the front of the envelope, and her return address was penned neatly in the upper left-hand corner. Seeing her writing for the first time since high school, he recognized it and mentally kicked himself once more. Her flowery feminine writing was nothing like the ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ block script that was on every single one of his returned letters. One more mistake to put on his plate.
The letter wasn’t s
ealed, and he pulled out the folded piece of paper carefully, not wanting to wrinkle it or do any sort of damage to it whatsoever. Grace’s cursive filled the page, and even without reading a word, Logan knew her words were going to break his heart.
Logan,
I can’t wait to get your first letter. I can’t imagine all the interesting things that you’re going through at Basic. I know it’s hard. We talked about how you’d get yelled at and have to work out all the time, but I just know you’re going to be great. You were born to be tough, and I’m so proud of you.
Logan took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling for a moment to get control of his emotions. Damn, he hadn’t even made it through the first letter and his chest already felt tight and the back of his throat burned with unshed tears.
He looked back down at the letter, cleared his throat, and continued reading. It went on and on about how she’d be starting classes that summer up in Denver, and how she really wanted to major in marketing, but her parents thought it would be better for her to go into office administration. She babbled on about the weather and other local gossip about people he’d long forgotten about. The last paragraphs of her letter struck him hard.
You’re so lucky you got to get out of here. I know your mom was horrible to you and your brothers, and I’m so glad you were able to get away from her. My mother doesn’t hit me, but she can be really mean sometimes, and she’s never been satisfied with anything I’ve ever done. When you graduate from Basic and your other training, if you still want me to come out to wherever you are, I’d love to. I can continue my college classes anywhere. I’m sure the credits will transfer.
Logan, I’ve admired and looked up to you for years. You have to know that. While we might not have been boyfriend and girlfriend, I’d love to give us a shot.
Stay safe. Looking forward to your letters.
Grace
The letters got somewhat easier to read after that first one. There weren’t as many emotional pleas for him to write her. They were more of a diary of her days. How her classes were going, how she hoped he was doing okay. They got shorter and shorter as time went on. Grace had more willpower than he did, though, because she’d written him for a year and a half after he’d left. He’d lasted less than a year.
Her last letter made him ashamed that he hadn’t put aside his own hurt feelings and acted like the man he should’ve been.
Logan,
Today it’s been eighteen months since you left. I honestly thought you were serious about wanting me to come be with you, but obviously I was the stupid one. My mother tells me all the time that I have no common sense, and I guess she’s right.
I finished my first year of college, and when I got my final grades, I immediately thought of you and how you’d laugh that I got all As . . . except in Western Civilization. So much for being a smarty. Lol. Of course my mother wasn’t amused and was so disappointed in me. She grounded me for two weeks. It wasn’t so bad. I didn’t have to eat dinner with my parents and have to deal with their disgusted stares.
I hope wherever you are, you’re happy and safe. I see all the time on the news about soldiers being deployed, and I hope if you ever have to go overseas and fight that you’ll come back safe and sound.
A guy in one of my classes asked me out last week and I told him no, but then got to thinking . . . why? Why not accept? Because I was waiting for you. I wanted my first real date to be with you. But something my father said to me tonight finally sank in. He told me to get myself together because you aren’t coming back. You left Castle Rock and had no plans to ever come back. He told me I reminded you of all the bad memories you had here and that was why I’d never heard from you.
So tomorrow, I’m going to find that boy and tell him that I accept. I’m sorry we never had a chance to see what we might’ve had.
I hope the Army is all you wanted it to be and that your brothers are doing well. I miss the Logan I used to know, but then again, maybe he never existed in the first place.
Grace
Logan didn’t know how much time had passed, but he folded up the last letter and put it back in the envelope. He stacked them all up and carefully retied the ribbon around the entire batch. Standing up, he put the bundle on the counter and made his way down the hall.
Without a word, he pushed open the guest room door. Grace was lying on her side with her back to the door. Logan padded over to the small bed and climbed on. He knew she was awake because she went stiff the second she felt him at her back.
Ignoring her body language, Logan curled into her and put an arm around her waist, pulling her until she was flush against him. He didn’t say anything for several minutes, but sighed in relief when her arm moved and she grabbed his hand to interlock her fingers with his.
Logan finally broke the silence, saying quietly, “I wish I had been your first date.”
“Me too.”
“I fucked up.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Doesn’t matter. I did fuck up. I should’ve made the time to come home and see what was up. Why you were sending my letters back. But you should know, from this moment on, I’m making it my mission in life to make up for lost time.”
Grace turned in his arms and Logan let her. When they were face-to-face, she looked at him with tears in her eyes. Her voice cracked when she said, “We’re different people now than we were then, Logan. We might not even like each other anymore.”
“I like you.” Logan pulled her hips forward until they were nestled together. One hand dipped low on her ass, holding her to him, letting her feel how being near her affected him.
“You just want to have sex with me. It’s a natural reaction. That happens to guys when they’re around women,” Grace told him stubbornly.
Logan shook his head in denial. “Let me guess, that’s what your mother told you.”
She looked up at him with big eyes. “My father.”
“It’s bullshit, Grace. Yes, I want you. I want to bury myself so far inside your body that you don’t know where you end and I begin. But it’s not because you’re simply female. Give me a little more credit than that. It’s because you’re you. You’re my first crush. The first person who saw the real me. I told you things back in high school that I haven’t even told my brothers. We lost a lot of time because of my stupidity and your parents, and I’m not willing to give them even one more minute.”
He watched as Grace blushed, but she didn’t look away. The combination of her shyness and strength was so appealing to him, it made Logan more determined than ever to see where things could go between them.
“Make no mistake. I want you, Grace Mason, but while you’re living in my apartment, I’d like to take things slow. We can get to know each other again. This is not a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I won’t take advantage of you. I want you to be 100 percent sure before we take that step.”
“But you will make love to me . . . right?” she asked, lifting her eyebrows and pressing her hips harder into him as she teased.
He smiled back at her. “Oh yeah. There’s nothing I’ve looked forward to more.” He caressed her lower back and his smile died. “I like to touch you.” Logan demonstrated by caressing Grace’s ass with his hand. “I want to taste your luscious lips again.”
He smiled as she licked them as if in anticipation of his touch.
“I want to touch you and have you touch me back. But until we figure out where we stand, we need to decide on our living arrangements. You can stay right here in my guest room, and we can get to know each other day by day. Or you can sleep in my bed with me at night, and I’ll keep my hands, and other body parts, to myself until you say differently. The speed you want us to move is up to you. Having sex with me is not a requirement for you to be safe. Understand?”
“I think to start, it might be best if I stayed in here for a while,” Grace said uncertainly, picking at an imaginary thread on his shirt.
Logan moved his hand from her as
s to cover her fingers on his chest tenderly. “No problem, Smarty. This room is yours as long as you need it.”
“I’m not a virgin,” she blurted, looking at his forehead, not his eyes. He knew she was still uncomfortable with the conversation, but he admired she was still brave enough to bring it up.
“I’m not a virgin either,” Logan told her seriously.
She giggled at his response, and the sound lightened his heart. “I didn’t think you were,” she told him, meeting his eyes for the first time.
“But I’m also not a manwhore. Believe it or not, I’ve only slept with five women. I know this isn’t the kind of thing most couples talk about, but I feel as though I owe this to you.”
“I’m . . . I’m not that thrilled hearing you talk about other women,” Grace admitted reluctantly.
“And I’m not all that thrilled telling you about them. But hear me out?”
She took a deep breath, then nodded firmly.
“One was in high school. My junior year. I can’t even remember her name now.”
“Ruth,” Grace volunteered immediately.
Logan flexed his arms and smiled wanly at the fact that Grace knew exactly who he was talking about. “I guess. Anyway, If I’m being honest, I was frustrated that I couldn’t get up the courage to ask my tutor out, and figured even if I did, she’d say no because she was so far out of my league. So in a teenage-boy snit, I decided that if you didn’t want to be with me, I might as well be with her.”
Seeing the hurt look in Grace’s eyes, which she tried to hide, Logan hurried on, wanting to make his point. “After I stopped writing you, I briefly dated three women, one right after the other. I was trying to get you out of my system. And I have to say, it didn’t work. The last woman I slept with was three years ago. I hadn’t been with anyone in a couple of years and decided that I needed to at least try to be in a relationship. It was what adults did. They dated, got married, had kids. She was a very nice woman, but after a while, I realized that I didn’t trust her enough to tell her about myself.
