by JA Andrews
‘Jenny, all I can say is that I’m sorry. Can we talk about this later?’
I’ve been thinking of nothing but this business meeting all day. I’ve rehearsed my pitch to perfection. I expected Jenny to have made her own meal and to have left me to throw something in the microwave later. I’m meant to be having a business dinner this evening. I don’t want to be late.
‘Things are going to get better, Jen,’ I say as I watch her swig back the glass. ‘I do want the best for us all, even if you can’t see that. You and Daniel mean the world to me. I love you both.’
‘Fuck you,’ she mutters, sounding half tipsy, ‘I don’t want to stay trapped in this house like it’s a prison. I should be supported by my husband. Daniel asks for you all the time. I keep telling him Daddy’s at work.’
‘There’s no point in me talking to you if you’re getting drunk, is there?’ I snap because I have to vent my frustration too. ‘Why don’t you have an early night and stop comparing our life to all those mummy bloggers on the internet? Just saying.’
I look at my phone to check the time as I rush through the rest of my dinner. I should have been in the shower five minutes ago, yet this awkwardness between us continues. I can’t stay here all night arguing.
‘I do love you. You do know that, don’t you?’ I ask. ‘I couldn’t do this without your support. I want you to understand that I am trying, really trying, to improve our lives. Tell me that you understand.’
‘I don’t understand you at times like this,’ Jenny slurs. ‘We have a beautiful home, a beautiful son, but I miss you. I miss the way we used to be.’
‘What are you saying?’ I ask, concerned, biting my lip to hold back. ‘Do you still want me?’
‘Admit it,’ she says, letting go of the empty glass, ‘this is hardly a happy marriage, is it?’
I look down at my mobile phone, then look up again at Jenny. I have very little time left to keep explaining myself. She is right that we were never like this in the beginning. Jenny was more bubbly when I first met her. We used to go out clubbing; sometimes, at weekends, we would even go to the casino in the early hours and get wasted. Jenny never questioned anything I said. I never had to prove myself.
‘I know that things between us have been a little tense, more so recently…’
Jenny shakes her head and walks away from me.
‘You don’t understand anything I’ve been saying, do you?’ she asks, interrupting me as I try to explain. ‘Everything I’ve said to you means nothing, doesn’t it?’
I look at her, confused, thinking I had made myself clear enough.
‘You’re drunk,’ I reply. ‘Why don’t we talk about this again in the morning?’
‘I’ve given up talking to you,’ Jenny replies, putting her hands on her hips in disgust. I know exactly what is coming next. ‘I’m going to have an early night. You just do what you’ve got to do. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’
Jenny walks past me, and although she is in one hell of a bad mood, I can tell she’s already calmer than earlier. She finds it better once she has got the worst of it off her chest. I listen, and appreciate everything she does for our son and me.
I have a good feeling about this new contract.
‘I’ll be back tonight,’ I explain, while Jenny holds on tightly to the bannister as she makes her way up the stairs. ‘Thank you for understanding. I will make it up to you, I promise. I will change. I’ll make it up to you.’
Jenny stops about three-quarters of the way to the top of the stairs, removes her hand from the bannister and turns her head to face me. She looks emotional and I can see she is tearful. I’m nervous about what she is about to say next.
‘I’ve decided to go and spend a few weeks with my mother in Leeds,’ she announces. ‘I’m going to ask work for the time off when I’m next in, and I’ll take Daniel with me to Leeds. It’s for the best. I need some time away. It will give Daniel a chance to see his other grandparents too.’
‘No, you can’t do this to me,’ I respond. My raised voice startles her. ‘Please, not now. At least wait until I secure this contract. I could come with you.’
‘I need some time out,’ Jenny replies, the tears now streaming down her cheeks. ‘I need a break. Not just from you but from everything that’s going on in my head.’
‘Please, Jen, I’m begging you. Don’t take our son to Leeds?’
Jenny wipes the tears from her eyes. I watch her take a breath and I am suddenly concerned about our marriage. I wasn’t expecting this tonight. I have a million different thoughts and outcomes racing around my head. I’m desperate for this contract, but I’m staring at my wife who needs me by her side. I have to take a chance and make my way to the hotel.
‘Have you been seeing other women behind my back?’ Jenny blurts out. ‘Are you heading out now to see some bitch I don’t even know about?’
The disappointment is like a knife through my heart. I feel a lump in the back of my throat. This is the first moment since we’ve been together that I have considered she could possibly leave me. Jenny has never been like this towards me before nor questioned my commitment to her.
‘No,’ I reply firmly, looking her directly in the eyes. ‘I’m not seeing other women behind your back. I’d never do that to you. Why would you even ask me that?’
I’m shaking with fear. I remind myself that Jenny will forgive me when she’s sobered up. I know she’ll understand when I explain it in more detail. I don’t have time for this now. I’m going to be late.
‘Your mother saw you at a hotel,’ Jenny replies, looking distressed and uneasy. ‘You never mentioned anything. Don’t forget that I know you – I remember what you used to tell me about the women you met before me.’
‘Work,’ I snap. ‘It’s for work. You know I have to meet clients out and about – it’s what I do. It was probably some tax consultancy conference.’
If she takes Daniel to her mother’s, will she ever come back?
I am torn between doing the right thing and taking a risk.
‘Jenny,’ I say softly while she looks at me from the top of the stairs, ‘get some rest and we’ll talk about it in the morning. I’ll try to come home early or take tomorrow off. I’m already late, and I have to go. If I pull this off tonight we’ll be celebrating.’
‘Whatever,’ she replies. ‘Just go.’
I don’t like upsetting my wife but she’s oblivious to every struggle I face when I leave this house. If I don’t do this, I risk everything.
I grab my jacket, car keys, and head out of the door in a hurry.
Four
Michael
The autumn sunset has darkened the skyline between the time of leaving the house and arriving at the Taverton Estate Hotel for my business meeting. I’m sat in my car while patiently waiting for the right time to make my way to the hotel. I’m nervous too, but that’s to be expected since there’s a lot riding on this meeting tonight. I’ve been given one more chance – one more opportunity to convince someone I am the right man for the job. Tonight’s contract meeting could solve the biggest of all my problems right now. It will buy me some time.
In the twenty minutes that it has taken me to drive through central Westbridge to the outskirts of Taverton I couldn’t stop thinking about Jenny. I am disappointed with myself for walking out on her but – like all our other little spats in the past – it’ll blow over. I’m certain that she’ll calm down in the morning and see sense. I’m not going to allow her to take a trip to Leeds. Instead, I have to show her how much she means to me. I’m going to have to surprise her with a holiday for her birthday, somehow.
This contract will end all of our problems. I need this.
I pull up into the car park, wind up the window because the breeze is too chilly, and look at my watch to check the time. I admire the classic Swiss design. The compliments I receive for such an expensive watch give me a feeling of success. This is a watch I am proud to own, and it’s always a talking point if spo
tted by an eagle-eyed fellow watch lover – but the reality is I’m struggling to maintain this image I’ve created. I do not want to be seen as a failure, nor do I want my family to be destroyed by the downturn in my luck. I can’t let Jenny know the truth. Not yet. Tonight’s meeting could save me from embarrassment and shame so I have to focus and hope that Jenny can forgive me for walking out tonight.
Sometimes you have to keep secrets from your wife, don’t you?
I also think that the psychology of appearances is powerful. The truth is that I’m still paying for my watch on finance because I couldn’t afford anything as luxurious as this outright. Having a family and two-bedroom house to pay for means I need to work hard if I’m to keep the truth from Jenny. It’s all about the plan in my head. I’m confident that I can make it happen. If I don’t, the consequences don’t bear thinking about.
I hope that this new client has good taste and notices my designer suit with my expensive watch during our meeting tonight. I will be subtle and try not to look a show-off – but it’s all in the psychology. First impressions count for everything. It won Jenny over all those years ago. I’m wondering if I have met this client before. I don’t recognise the name – but I thought that setting this meeting here, at this hotel, would be a sign. A lot of big business happens here because the hotel is rural, private and expensive and all the clientele are upmarket. I had to take this chance despite letting my wife down. I did try to explain.
I hate myself at times for what I have put my wife through. We don’t argue all that often, but I know how much she is hurting. I have brief moments of resenting her because of her obsession with social media and living a lifestyle that seems out of reach. I understand that she is frustrated being at home with Daniel on her own all the time, but it’s not for ever. She will have a better job and a better income when Daniel goes to school. I will try, in time, to save more money. It’s not going to happen overnight.
I should do the right thing by texting Jenny to apologise. If I call her instead, we will only end up arguing again. I’ll let Jenny simmer for a while tonight – I might even sleep on the sofa to give her some space. If this meeting is as successful as I hope, then our money struggles should drastically improve. For me, it’s the deal of the year. I love her for standing by me, and at times I probably don’t deserve her. If I can win this contract, secure the extra work, then I will make more time for my family. I have to save our marriage.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I feel the shake of it gently vibrate on my thighs.
‘Please don’t be Jenny,’ I whisper to myself. ‘I don’t want the stress. It could jeopardise everything.’
I pull out the phone, touch the screen to unlock it and see the message. I’m thankful that it isn’t her.
Can we meet a little later than planned at 7.30p.m.?
I reply immediately because I have already arrived and am waiting in the car park of the hotel.
Not a problem. Looking forward to it. I am already here but will meet you soon in reception at the new time of 7.30p.m.
I look back out of the car window to see the hotel. The lower car park is small and packed with cars already so I’ve had to stay further back. I admire the intricacies of the building architecture as the white lighting shines over the arched windows. I see a small group of people walk out of the hotel, and I watch their every move. It appears to be a wedding party who are starting to congregate by the hotel entrance. I try to spot the bride but she must still be inside. This must have cost a bomb at this hotel but then again it’s a weekday wedding so they might have had a cheaper deal.
My wedding day with Jenny was bliss because everything we planned came together with ease – no family arguments and I even managed to get to the church on time having been out all night at the casino with my mates. I didn’t get a wink of sleep but all my close friends were insistent upon one last drinking session. I’ve realised that I hardly ever see them anymore.
Life one year to the next seems to pass by so quickly yet having Daniel has changed our priorities. That little man is the boy that turned us into a family. The late nights out – the Saturdays I would spend in the bookmaker’s watching the horse racing and the random pub crawls I used to have – have all now come to an end. I think that both of us took our freedom for granted in our mid-twenties. Being married has changed us both.
Where did it all go wrong?
Jenny, who was Miss Evans up until our wedding day, had spent the whole day before with her parents David and Julie at a rental property on the outskirts of Westbridge. Neither of us had been married before but a church wedding was a huge deal. It was all Jenny had ever dreamed of. I can hardly believe that was five years ago now but both of our families helped with the costs and Jenny had the wedding of her dreams. I didn’t think we’d even be able to find the house deposit but we did thanks to my quick thinking. Risks I took to find more money. I know I can do it again.
Jenny and I met on a dating site six years ago but despite the exchange of a few shared messages we never got around to meeting each other until a chance outing with a mutual friend some months later. The surprise of the circumstances encouraged us to talk and give each other feeble excuses as to why we never pursued any dates. For her, it was the annoyance of being bombarded with constant messages from guys only after one-night stands that drove her to delete her account. However, I felt confident enough to chat to women online but talked myself out of dates because in reality I was looking for a one-night stand. I had good intentions but when it came to the day of the date I had other plans with someone else. I assured her it was nothing personal. It’s not like I stood her up or anything. I just cancelled last minute.
I remember how nervous I was about giving Jenny my number when we met again. I thought she’d think I was that workaholic from the dating site that never bothered to turn up on a real date. She gave me assurances that she’d call me – and I didn’t have to wait long. Jenny called the very next morning to arrange a date. We both met each other a few times – once a week initially until, in a coffee shop, I blurted out an admission that changed the direction of our relationship forever.
‘I’m falling for you big time.’
I watched her face light up. She threw her arms around me and we hugged before kissing each other. With all the hints and signals from our previous meets, I knew she was starting to feel the same way about me as I was her. These new emotions made every day exciting for us both. I knew that she was the woman for me. Jenny was better than all the others. She had class. There was something about her that drew me in and I wanted to spend more and more time with her. I was falling in love.
‘I feel the same way,’ Jenny replied. ‘We’re officially a couple now, aren’t we?’
A few more months of meeting each other followed with Jenny staying round at my flat more and more for longer and longer periods at a time. It was a surprise when Jenny became pregnant but we then got married and bought the house before Daniel’s due date. The three of us wouldn’t have had much room in that small one-bedroom flat of mine in central Westbridge and besides it wasn’t the most desirable of areas for a new family. It wasn’t far from the university so it was full of students and bedsits. It wasn’t practical for us as a new family.
Every now and then I think that a mortgage is a bigger commitment than marriage. On days like today after we’ve argued I imagine all the what ifs.
What if we ever got divorced? What if the house had to be sold? What if I lost everything? What if nothing goes according to plan?
I take another glance at my watch. It’s still too early to stroll on inside. By looking at the distance between the car park and the entrance I guess that it would take me a couple of minutes at most to walk down the winding road. There don’t seem to be any pathways other than a gravelled lane with fields either side where the grass looks like marshland. The wind is starting to pick up but I am thankful it’s not raining.
I can feel the nerves starting to get the b
etter of me and my stomach is queasy with anxiety. I have come well prepared and I have memorised my speech twice over. I have practised my pitch all day. I know that this business could provide long-term financial gain. I am desperate to make this a mutually beneficial partnership that works for us all. I need them to trust me as the best accountant for the job – just as my wife trusts me. I need this deal more than anything.
The wedding party crowds have disintegrated and the silence has become more noticeable. Those whispering voices with the odd cackle of drunken laughter can no longer be heard in the distance. I see the moon in the sky behind the hotel as the night has become much darker. I’m shivering a little now but that could be the nerves kicking in. I know my pitch. I’ve memorised every word. It’s time. I can do this.
I get out of the car, shut the door and press the alarm on my fob. I straighten my jacket while taking in a deep breath of the cold country air. There is a dampness to it. I notice way out on the horizon a mist forming over the fields as the night air sweeps in. As I start to walk down the winding road I can hear a car in the background. It soon becomes the only noise in the distance apart from the sound of the birds as they flock to the trees. The closer I walk to the hotel, the louder the sound becomes. I turn around and hear the sound of my wallet dropping as it falls from my trouser pocket. As I bend down to pick it up I see the beaming lights of a car approaching me. I step off the road and onto the grassy verge as any moment the car will pass.
I open the wallet to see the picture of my son looking back at me. I give a smile, remembering how much joy he has brought to our lives. Despite not seeing him take his first steps or hearing his first words because I was always stuck at work, I still care that he knows how much I love him. After the argument with Jenny tonight I made a promise to be more supportive and to be a better father to Daniel. Everything I am doing now is to try to secure my family a better future. I have to keep trying – but I fear I might lose them both.
