“Isn’t Victor with you?”
Damn Victor, who hasn’t left the downstairs dorms for days, always there like a sticky plaster, staring at Naomi like she might shatter into dust in front of his eyes if he doesn’t hang around to prevent it. Or whatever he does. He’s just… always there.
“Of course, he is, he’s just gone over there, to the party to help out with something. He’ll be back.”
“Cool,” Oskar says and stares at the screen. He can’t even remember what he is watching.
“You know I’ll always be here for you.” She shuffles over, patting his leg, trying to catch his eye as she keeps talking. “Even if you pretend to ignore me and sulk because I haven’t been around much this week. I’m always here for you, and you are my best friend. I mean that. I’ve never met anyone who has been as nice to me as you have. You understand me, and help me, you are always right there when I need you and I love you for that. You have made me realise that it’s fine to be broken. We are all broken in one way or another, and we can still live our lives and sometimes even be happy. Just a little. Small glimpses of good times. You know? Even when things are dark, sometimes things are really, really good. You taught me that. Remember?”
“Yeah.” It makes him smile, the bullshit he’s made up to make her feel better. But it’s kind of true. There have been good times. Some really good times.
“Remember when we passed that first exam, and everyone here was drunk and you and I went out and sat on that park bench and ate an entire tub of ice-cream?” She smiles, patting his legs gently through the duvet.
“Yeah. I felt sick. But it was a good night. Just you and me and the stars.”
“And two litres of raspberry ripple.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to go out to the kitchen and make soup. Feel free to come join me if you need me. Otherwise I will leave you to yourself. You are good, aren’t you?” She still looks concerned, despite the smile on her face. “Everything is good, right?”
“Yeah.” He smiles. “It’s all good.”
“You know you were invited, we all were. They want you to be there. You do know that?”
“Night night, Naomi. Happy New Year.” He’s rolling his eyes. Being a dick. Again.
“I’ll leave you in peace.” She smiles. “Happy New Year, sweetie.”
The click of the door closing behind her, makes him let out the breath he’s been holding. His shoulders relaxing again. Just him. On his own. It’s true. It’s fine.
Well, it may not be perfect, but Erik is not here and his stomach hurts when he lets himself think about it all.
Everyone is out there celebrating the end of another year. Everyone.
Except Oskar. Who is currently lying here trying to justify his, frankly, shitty behaviour.
Erik doesn’t deserve this, and he doesn’t deserve Oskar’s pathetic panic-stricken moments of self-doubt where he threw the brand new jumper, that he had picked out himself, in the bin, instead of getting dressed and walking the ten minute or so stroll to the building where the student party of the year is taking place.
Erik.
Fuck, he loves Erik so much that it’s pretty much paralysing him, lying here in a sweat-drenched heap hoping that Erik will have a good time and frankly forget that Oskar exists.
Because the sheer thought of leaving the safety of his bed right now, and going to a party is just making Oskar want to fold in on himself with fear. Loud music and people and dancing and drinking and strangers and expectations and everyone looking at him wondering why the hell he is there? He never goes to these things. Ever.
Anyway, Erik said it was okay, that he would miss him desperately and there was nothing that he wanted more in the world than having Oskar in his arms at midnight, but that he was the host and organiser and had to be there to supervise the fireworks and changing over the beer kegs and toasting and all the stuff that goes hand in hand with a party. Like the music curfew and the fact that the hall needs to be emptied, cleaned, and secured in time for the Security patrol at 3 a.m. And the Police licence states no alcohol to be served after 1 a.m. And it’s all Erik’s responsibility. He needs to be there, and somewhere in the back of Oskar’s mind he cringes at himself.
He should be there supporting him. He knows that, and he does a silent scream into the room and throws the duvet off his pyjama-clad legs.
He was going to wear the cat-onesie, just to make himself feel better, but the minute his hands had touched the softness of the fabric, he had pretty much freaked out.
He’s a shit person. A shit person. He is letting his fears control his life when his heart should be right in there beating the shit out of his fears.
Which means he lets his body fall back onto the bed with a not-so-silent scream.
“Dude.” The voice outside the door is not kind. It’s kind of harsh, even though he knows that Mathias is a nice person. Well, was. Because people are supposed to knock and wait, but Mathias kind of knocks and opens the door at the same time, and then just walks in and plonks himself down on Oskar’s chair like he owns the place.
The way Erik does. They are truly all steeped in the same mould, these boys upstairs.
“Dude…” Oskar whines.
“I know what you are doing, and yeah, Erik told me not to go get you, because you have some kind of messy anxieties about parties and things, which is like totally unfounded, but, yeah, I can respect that.”
He’s confusing, Mathias. Always talking with lots of extra words thrown in that make very little sense, yet, he’s kind of honest. Speaking his mind. Always saying a little too much. Oskar likes him. He likes all of the guys upstairs, he thinks. He’s barely spent much time with them, but they greet him with high fives and hugs and treat him like, well, like everyone else.
“I just don’t like them.” Oskar sounds like a child. Whining and whinging and he really doesn’t want to go to some party. This bloody party. Can’t people just leave him the fuck alone?
“This is not about the party,” Mathias says sternly, leaning forwards onto his knees. “You know that, don’t you? I don’t give a fuck about the party. To be honest I would rather be with my girlfriend, but she had a family thing and I wasn’t invited, which kind of sucks, yeah? So, I am here, making the most of it. It’s a good party, and it would be even better if Erik smiled once in a while. Do you see what I mean?”
“No,” Oskar says, stubbornly.
“You’re a dick,” Mathias says, looking like he means it. Which makes Oskar kind of freak. Just a little bit.
“I know,” Oskar almost whispers.
“Yeah. You are. I should be grinding on the dancefloor with my free beer, instead I am sitting here getting pissed off at my best friend’s boyfriend, who should be at said party holding his hand and making him smile and giving him smoochy kisses at midnight. But you are making him sad and sitting here on your own instead. It’s pissing me off. More than missing out on the grinding and beer. There are some hot girls there, not hotter than my girl, because trust me, my girl is haaawt, but yeah.”
“He’s busy and I would just be in the way, and then I would stand there like an idiot and not know what to do.”
“Hell no, you would be out on the dancefloor dancing with me, I could show you off and teach you some moves. The girls would love that. You and me grinding to some beats and Erik would get well jel, and come and drag you away. You see? He is standing there in his poncy suit looking a million dollars, and all he does is stare at his phone, hoping that you will come and hang with him. Hug him, you know, he’s really touchy-feely, Erik. He needs lots of hugs.”
Mathias let’s out a resigned laugh. Almost like he knows that he has hit a dead end.
“Erik loves you,” he says instead. Like he’s instantly changed from some kind of half-pissed-off cool dude, to someone who looks far older and far more serious than a couple of minutes ago. “Erik isn’t made of stone. He’s really insecure and scared deep down. I know, because I talk to
him. He’s not at that party to get drunk and score girls. He’s there because this stuff, organising big parties and getting people together, and, yeah, basically making people happy. That is the shit he is good at.”
“He’s a people person,” Oskar blurts out.
“Yeah, he is. He’s also someone who loves you. Do I have to say it again?”
“No,” Oskar stutters, “I know.”
This is getting awkward. Mathias sitting there on the chair in his suit. Oskar half thrown on the bed in his sleep gear. And the uncomfortable truth that is like a white elephant in the overcrowded room.
“Do you love him?”
“Of course, I do,” Oskar says, with a little bit too much irritation in his voice.
“Good answer, because if you had said that you didn’t, I might have had to give you a lecture on being the shithead of the century.”
“I love him,” Oskar almost shouts out. “So, shut up.”
“Then why are you not plastered to your boyfriend’s back, hugging the shit out of him and kissing him at midnight?”
“I don’t know!” Oskar screams.
Fuck. He’s behaving like a child and Mathias just sits back with a devilish grin on his face.
“I know, because I used to be just as scared as you. When I was in my last year of school, I had become the ugliest, shyest little nerd of the century. I mean, not just the ugliest, or the shyest, yeah? I had the worst haircut and was really overweight. I had a face only a mother would love, and guess what? Even my mother didn’t get to love me, because she died from bloody cancer when I was ten. My dad raised me, and we spent the next couple of years being sad and depressed on our sofa. So, you see? I wasn’t always like this. Kind of okay, do you see what I mean?”
Oskar just stares at him, like Mathias is speaking Mandarin and Oskar has completely lost the ability to understand what he is saying. Not that Oskar speaks Mandarin. But. Whatever.
“And?” he says. “Sorry about your mum. That must have sucked.”
“I moved in here, and there were these guys who looked like some kind of supermodels, and they all wore cool clothes, and there was me in a cheap supermarket tracksuit and a sleeping bag and nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I spent the first month locked in my room. Worst month of my life.”
“Why...?” Oskar stops. He needs to stop asking stupid questions, because Oskar spent the first month at university pretty-much locked in his room wondering if failure was an option and if he should just give up and go home.
“Why? Because I had spent my entire life being bullied and ignored and things would just go from bad to worse, and here I was at Uni and I had ended up living in the wrong dorm. Because obviously the dorm up there...” Mathias leans forward again, pointing his arms animatedly up towards the ceiling, “...that is the cool dorm, and I belonged in loser-alley. Some basement dorm where the misfits and nerds lived. I didn’t belong and I felt bloody-shit terrified. I wanted to kill myself at the beginning of week three.”
“No,” Oskar says sternly. “Don’t joke about shit like that.”
“Not joking. It was the worst month of my life, I told you so.”
They sit there in silence. The room eating up the oxygen as Oskar’s stomach churns.
“One day Erik caught me sneaking out of my room and dragged me into the common room and sat me down on a chair. Then, he read me the riot act, about stopping the hiding and getting to know the people who would become the most important people in my life. The people who I would remember, who would shape my future and who I would become. He said some seriously weird things about becoming an adult and being a good friend and loving your next-door neighbour, and I remember feeling all kinds of scared and I thought he was going to beat me up at one point. Instead, he made me hot chocolate and fed me biscuits and told me that we were going to a party, and he promised not to leave my side, because he had been here for a year and never been to a student party, and this was the day, the day when he and I grew up and reclaimed being cool.”
“I can believe that.” Oskar laughs. “Sounds very much like Erik.”
“I lost ten kilos in two months, because I was too busy to comfort eat. I was hanging out with Erik and walking and got roped into playing softball and meeting people and I met some great people, and got a haircut and figured out how to be me. I’m not the same person as I was three years ago. I’m someone new, someone who is happy and good at what I study, and I have a beautiful girl who loves me, and I get to have sex and… Dude... I’m happy.”
“And your point is?” Oskar says sarcastically, but Mathias just laughs.
“The point is that Erik? He deserves to be happy too. He made me jump off a cliff, and look where I landed.”
“In my room?” Oskar smiles, as Mathias hurls a stray pen at him.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
“So, I am here to make you jump.”
“Jump?”
“Yeah. You are going to stop being shit-scared of life, and life is going to stop sucking. Well, your life already has, you know, kind of stopped sucking, because you have found someone who loves you. See? And you are now going to go with the flow, and jump off the bloody cliff and come with me to this god damn party, so you can kiss Erik at midnight and not turn into a bloody pumpkin.”
“Why the hell would I turn into a pumpkin?”
“Shut up, Disney, and get dressed.”
Neither of them moves. They just sit there until Oskar bursts out laughing.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Nope. I have exactly one hour and forty-six minutes to keep annoying you with the shitty stories of my previous shitty life before I decide to be happy and not give two fucks about the past. Take your pick. Get some bloody clothes on and let’s go dance, or sit here and let me bore you to tears.”
“I don’t own a suit,” Oskar starts, but he is already standing up as Mathias slowly rises from the chair.
“Do you honestly think Erik cares what you are wearing? He just needs you there to tell him you love him. Those fucking small words that will make him the happiest man on earth. If I could be with my girl, and tell her those words right now, then I would. But I will speak to her at midnight and she will probably cry, and I will bawl like a baby and snot all over this fine suit. We all have our moments.”
“So… I’m going to this party?”
“Yeah. I’m dragging you there, and you and I are going to fucking dance, and nobody is going to care, and then we are going to have fun and you are going to kiss my best friend, because he’s bloody awesome and I need him to smile. Because it is New Year’s Eve, and everyone should be happy. Especially Erik.”
They stand there again, and Mathias just reaches out and grabs him. Hugs the shit out of Oskar’s awkward body that squirms in his grip, before kind of betraying Oskar by hugging back. Laughing when Oskar doesn’t want to, and relaxing as Mathias lets him go and playfully swats him over the head.
“Get fucking dressed, Høiland. We have a life to live. No one needs to hide in their room. Nobody is going to be spending the stroke of midnight alone this year. That is my mission, and I don’t fucking abandon a mission once I start.”
“I can kind of see that,” Oskar says as he awkwardly fishes the damn jumper out of the bin.
“This okay?” He asks. He’s not sure why. And Mathias just rolls his eyes.
He gets dressed and walks out the door. Laughs, as Mathias loudly proclaims, “It’s a Christmas miracle!!” to the silent corridor. Then Mathias stops and yanks at Oskar’s jacket, shushing silently behind his back.
They stop and Oskar’s neck cranes as they lean back so they can peek into the darkened common room. Because Naomi is moving quietly across the floor, dancing to the silent beat of her headphones. She’s not alone either as Victor’s arm comes into view, grabbing her hand and spinning her around in a circle like an uncoordinated ballerina. Her laughter is soft and quiet, but it leaves a lump in Oskar’s throat.
“She’s happy,” he whispers.
“Yeah,” Mathias replies, letting his chin lean on Oskar’s shoulder. “Everyone deserves to be happy. And sometimes, it’s just meeting that right person that can change your life. Erik changed mine. Then this gorgeous girl completed it. I’m happy. Life’s just easier when you are happy.”
“I think you’re right,” Oskar whispers back. “It’s still hard though. Sometimes I lose my nerve.”
“We all do, but we just need to remember what’s important.”
“You’re a wise guy,” Oskar says quietly, leaning back so he can look at Mathias, who just shrugs his shoulders. “I think I’m lucky.” He says, “I just got lucky.”
“Me too,” Oskar whispers quietly as Naomi gets another spin around in Victor’s arms.
They walk in silence through the quiet streets, where abandoned student dorms are nestled side by side with quirky wooden villas, and apartment buildings where windows are lighting up the night with Christmas stars, and the dull beat of music is pumping from open windows. The temperature has fallen again, and Mathias pulls his woollen hat over his ears as Oskar zips his jacket all the way to the top so he can hide his face in the collar.
“What happened to your dad?” he asks, hoping it’s not too much of a personal question.
“He could have become a drunkard and ruined his life. Instead he sent me to Uni and sold our flat. He now lives in a tiny studio flat and drives a long-distance lorry. He always wanted to do that, and never could, because he had me to look after. Not that he blamed me, but he always told me to go and figure out what to do with my life, and not to settle for mediocre. He said to go chase my dreams, only I didn’t have a clue what my dreams were.”
“And, have you figured out what your dreams are?”
“Nope. Still haven’t got a clue, but I’m halfway through an engineering degree so, whatever. I enjoy it and perhaps I will just get a job and be happy. Or I might just drop everything and start driving a beast of a Lorry around Europe and see a bit of the world. Like my dad.”
In this Bed of Snowflakes we Lie Page 17
