“Gee, thanks, relationship guru,” I grumbled, standing up and crossing my arms. I suppose Julia did have the experience to dole out advice on guys.
Julia sighed as if this conversation was very difficult for her to have. “I don’t think you realize how incredible you are. You are beautiful and talented and any guy would be lucky to have your attention, but, you’ve crushed on Grayson forever now. I’ve read your lyrics, I know what they’re about—unrequited love and all that.”
“Julia!” I scolded, my face growing hot with embarrassment and anger. I hadn’t known that she had read my lyrics. Those were supposed to be for my eyes only.
“Oh, get over it. I’m sure you’ve read my diary before.” Julia rolled her eyes dramatically. “The point is; you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t play games, someone who wants you and shows it…someone who doesn’t screw with your head. Someone like that total hottie at the door. I approve of this one,” she added with a wink before she danced out of my bedroom.
I checked my reflection in my mirror before I headed downstairs, Stella at my heels. I found Kyle sitting on the porch swing waiting for me. He smiled at me as I closed the door behind me, leaving Stella inside with Julia. I could hear her protests.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Picking you up for band practice.” Kyle’s smile fell slightly, as if his easy confidence was challenged by my unwelcoming stance. He’d probably never had to deal with a girl that wasn’t completely ecstatic to be around him.
“I told you I needed time to think about the fundraiser,” I reminded him. I crossed my arms and leaned against the door.
“I know, but I was hoping you would come anyway. See us play; maybe hearing us will help you decide. We are awesome,” Kyle remarked. He hesitated as if he had something more to say. Running a hand through his hair nervously, he smiled. “Plus…I’d like to hang out with you. We’re going to order pizza afterwards.”
I didn’t bother telling Kyle that I had heard them play many times before—I figured it was irrelevant. He already knew that. Instead, I chewed on my lip as I mulled it over. I had no plans for the night, and I knew I’d likely stay home thinking about Grayson and wondering about what it all meant.
Even though I had no idea how I was going to get over Grayson, I knew that I was done with staying home pining over him. I did not want to be that girl anymore.
“Alright,” I replied, giving him a small smile. “Just let me tell my sister where I’m going.”
Kyle nodded, pleased with my answer.
I stuck my head into the living room. “I’m going out for a bit.”
“Good choice.” Julia grinned from the couch, referring to Kyle.
I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my smile. Julia’s approval made me feel a little better. Still, I hesitated, but I knew I had to give Kyle a fair chance before I completely ruled him out.
After all, I spent all of high school thus far hiding from any guys who could potentially be interested in me because of Grayson. Things with Grayson hadn’t changed all that much; he was still uninterested in anything but maybe a friendship with me. I couldn’t keep waiting around, holding onto the hope that maybe he wanted it and was afraid. That was naive.
Besides, both Aubrey and Julia were right: I deserved someone who wasn’t going to play games with me—someone who wanted me and actually acted like it.
I shook my head, forcing myself to let it go. I ran up to my room to grab my notebook, giving Stella a quick pat before I went back outside. Kyle was still waiting on the front porch. He greeted me with an attractive smile that almost had me questioning my sanity.
I felt no butterflies, no explosion of heat, but there was something there. If I looked deep enough, I could sense a curious attraction mixed with uncertainty.
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at my notebook with curiosity as we walked to his car.
“My notebook.” I shrugged, feeling foolish and instantly regretting my decision to bring it. I figured I could write while I listened to them. “I’ve got some old song lyrics written down.”
“Awesome!” Kyle’s voice was sincere and animated. We drove to Marcus’s house in silence, with me thinking about the opportunity to sing in something much bigger than the town talent show.
“What’s making you hesitate?” Kyle questioned as he parked in Marcus’s driveway. He looked over at me, seeming to really want to know the answer.
My eyebrows creased slightly as I contemplated. “Stage fright, I suppose,” I said finally, although that wasn’t it…not really. I knew the attention that would undoubtedly come with me singing with Kyle’s band at a major battle of the bands would be overwhelming and scary. I wasn’t used to standing out, and I was afraid to stand out. Or worse, I was afraid I wouldn’t, or if I did, it would be because I sucked. I couldn’t voice all my silly fears though, so I bit them back, offering Kyle a timid smile instead.
I opened the door and climbed out of his car. Kyle followed suit, heading to his trunk to grab his guitar case before sauntering up towards me.
Yup, something was definitely wrong with me. How could I not have any desire to be with a guy like him? He was hot, he was talented, and he definitely liked me.
“The guys are in the garage,” Kyle explained, nodding towards the garage door. I followed him up the short driveway, waiting while he knocked once and lifting the garage door enough for us to climb under.
“Oh, she came!” Marcus grinned, sounding thrilled. “Awesome!”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I warned before they could all get over-excited about it.
“Yeah, she’s just here to listen,” Kyle added, looking at me warmly. He nodded towards two stools in the corner. “Take a seat with the rest of our groupies; we’ll get set up.”
Aubrey was grinning wickedly at me from one of the stools. She patted the top of the vacant one, motioning for me to come over.
“I can’t believe you didn’t warn me,” I half-whispered, half-hissed as I sat down.
“Sorry.” Aubrey shrugged, not looking sorry at all. “I didn’t really know it was happening anyway. I wasn’t planning on coming, then Marcus mentioned pizza. I’m literally just here for the pizza,” she added, her gaze sweeping across the room to rest on Marcus’s face.
I snorted, watching the guys set up.”Yeah, just the pizza.”
Marcus was sitting on the stool in front of his drums, warming up while Kyle plugged in his guitar to the amplifier. Cam was ready to go, grinning at me while he showed off a little on bass.
I shook my head, smiling as I opened my little notebook and started reading through all the song lyrics I had ever written. Some were better than others, some were downright ridiculous, but one stood out. It was actually the most recent.
I read over the words again, my finger on the water mark from one lone tear that had managed to land on the page. I had written it the moment I got home from work after the party, after Grayson had dropped me off. I could feel Aubrey’s gaze on the paper, and I knew she was reading along with me, but I didn’t mind.
You’re Not With Me
All I want to do is hold you
But you’re never there to touch
If I could wrap my arms around you
You would feel a little too much
The feelings scare you inside
So you run away
Run from yourself
To an uncomplicated day
I touch your face
You back away
I kiss your mouth
You cannot stay
With me.
You’re not with me
I am with you
Why can’t you see?
I’m in love with you
Your heart is dark
But I love it anyway
I feel a spark
Even when you stray
You’re not with me
I am with you.
Why can’t you see?
I’m
in love with you.
I open the door to my heart
Come inside I say
We will never be apart
It’s a brighter day.
You’re not with me
I am with you.
Why can’t you see?
I’m in love with you.
“That’s beautiful,” Aubrey said, taking my hand and squeezing it. She knew exactly who it was about without asking.
“You girls ready?” Kyle asked, breaking the quiet moment Aubrey and I were sharing. I looked up and nodded, smiling to hide my heartbreak. Aubrey squeezed my hand in comfort again. Kyle tipped his head curiously, not buying the smile. Before he could walk over to ask me what was up, Marcus started to count down.
“Three, two, one…” he said, before entering into a rhythm on the drums. The fine hairs on my arms rose when Cam and Kyle joined the melody.
We listened to them play five songs that they had written, impressed with not only the lyrics but their talents. A lot had changed in the past year. I couldn’t help but remember the last time that I attended a practice to watch them play. They weren’t as good as they were now, and they certainly didn’t take it as seriously, either. Band practice was really them goofing off on their instruments and flirting with the girls they invited.
But now it was different. They took it seriously; they had realized they could be something so much more than just a high school garage band. They were putting an effort into it, and they were seeing results.
What kind of doors could open for me if I chose to accept Kyle’s invitation? He took his music seriously, and his band was his life. If he saw a talent in me and wanted me to collaborate, that was huge.
I mulled over it all while I listened. At the end of practice, Kyle looked at me dead on. “So?”
“So…I think my answer is yes,” I said, meeting his steady gaze. My heart was pulsing with fear and apprehension.
“Awesome.” Kyle smiled as if he had known my answer all along. “Let’s celebrate. Who wants pizza?”
Chapter Five
I AWOKE TO STELLA’S hot breath on my face as she panted. I opened my eyes only to be greeted with her large tongue licking my face. It was almost a morning ritual, her wake-up call. I groaned, shoving her away from me as I pulled the comforter up over my head.
My alarm clock went off, alerting me that I officially had fifteen minutes to get ready for school. I got dressed quickly, barely seeing what I selected until I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, applying a little mascara. I had chosen one of my favorite camo tops, and paired it with a well loved pair of jeans. Good enough, I thought, running a brush through my tangled hair.
“Everly! Are you up?” my mom called, her voice distant from behind the closed door.
“Yeah!” I answered, tossing my brush down on the counter and opening the door. Mom was standing in the doorway with a coy smile on her tired face.
“There’s a boy here to pick you up for school,” she said, giving me a curious, bemused look as she leaned against my door frame. Her arms were crossed. “This isn’t the same boy that was over the other night, though…”
If it wasn’t Kyle, it could only be Grayson. That thought made my heart skip a beat with nervous anticipation.
“Mom, I told you. Kyle is a friend of mine, we’re in a band together. There’s nothing like that going on between us,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“What about this boy?”
“I don’t even know who’s here,” I countered, walking back in to my room to snatch my bag from beside my dresser. I could hear Mom following close behind me on the stairs. I sent her a look, warning her to stay back.
I waited until Mom disappeared into the kitchen before I opened the door. My eyes were greeted with the sight of Grayson’s back. He was looking toward the road, his hands in his pocket. He turned when he heard the door open, offering me a reserved smile. I raised an eyebrow curiously, tilting my head in unspoken question.
Over the last few weeks, I hadn’t really seen Grayson. We had a few classes together, but aside from a sparse, tight-mouthed hello, he barely spoke to me and he kept his eyes to himself.
In response, I had thrown myself into hanging out with Aubrey, Lindsay, Alicia, Kyle, Marcus and Cam. The guys were adamant about preparing for the Battle of the Bands in November and I went to band practice every week to sing and find my groove with them. It had been surprisingly easy to merge my talents with theirs, although it did change their general feel and they had to rewrite several of their songs. Kyle insisted that it was for the best though, so I tried not to feel guilty about it.
A couple of times, Kyle had come over after school so we could write the music notes to go along with my lyrics.
In fact, the night before, Kyle and I had perfected the instrumental to “You’re Not With Me”. It had been weird having Kyle sit in my living room, but I was adjusting to his presence. He was respectful of my space, and he honestly did want to focus on the music…for the most part. Sometimes, I would catch him looking at me lasciviously, but he had yet to act upon it.
“Thought you might want a ride to school today,” Grayson responded to my unasked question. As always, my body was overly aware of him.
“Okay…” I said slowly, confused. My heart was still pounding from his mere presence.
“Friends give friends lifts to school, don’t they?” he asked, looking as if he didn’t know. “We’re still friends, aren’t we?”
I nodded, sighing as I adjusted the strap of my bag so that it rested more comfortably on my shoulder. “Yes,” I said finally, nearly sighing. I stepped around Grayson and walked down the porch steps. I didn’t know what he wanted, what he was hoping to achieve. I didn’t understand why he went weeks without uttering a word to me then suddenly wanted give the whole friendship thing a go again. It was disorienting, and I knew if I didn’t tell him to stop soon, I would crash and burn even harder than ever before.
Only…I couldn’t tell him to stop. I enjoyed when he showed up; I enjoyed what attention he could give me. I craved it. I was addicted to him. It was pathetic. I was pathetic.
I opened the passenger door to his truck, jumping inside and closing it before he could catch up. I stared ahead, trying to calm the pounding of my heart.
“So, what did you do last night?” Grayson asked, trying to start a conversation with me that wasn’t full of tension and awkwardness. I played with a strand of my hair, taking time to consider my words.
“I hung out with Kyle.” I didn’t expect him to care.
Grayson’s gaze slid across the cab and came to rest on my face. His jaw clenched as if this news upset him, but he held back on admitting it. He nodded instead, looking back out the windshield as he started the truck. I felt guilty, sensing that I had hurt him.
But you didn’t, because he doesn’t want you, I reminded myself coldly, forcing my gaze away from him.
“What did you do?” he asked, his words sounding almost pained despite his attempt at remaining stoic.
“Stuff.” I shrugged, chewing the inside of my lip as I studied him. I watched his fists clench tighter to the steering wheel. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something then thought the better of it. “What did you do?” I added, trying to keep my voice causal.
“Stuff,” Grayson replied, with the same amount of vagueness I’d given him. I shot him a look, raising my eyebrows pointedly. “I hung out with Katrina,” he clarified, almost smiling.
Hearing her name stung, smooth and sharp. I frowned, then I started to laugh. I clenched my stomach, leaning forward as my eyes watered. Grayson stared at me, looking almost startled. A smile snaked its way to his lips, and he tried to contain it to no avail.
I ran my finger under my eyes, careful to not smudge the mascara. I stared at him for a moment as he drove, the seriousness of my thoughts gaining control while my laughter faded away.
“Why are we doing this?” I asked, sighing.
“Doing what?”
<
br /> “Making each other jealous,” I clarified, shaking my head slightly as I smiled.
“I’m not jealous. Are you?” Grayson asked, amused. The smile faded from my lips. I turned my head away from his prying gaze, staring out the window in stony silence.
Grayson was quiet for a bit. I could see his gaze alternating from me to the road. Finally, he sighed deeply. “Okay, fine. Maybe I am a little jealous.”
His confession surprised me. “Why?” I whispered.
As I waited for him to answer, I took the opportunity to study him…and to ponder upon what made him so appealing to me. It wasn’t just his looks, although he was very handsome with his strong chiseled features and the way his dark hair fell into his burning icy blue eyes. It was the raw, dangerous edge of his untouchable secrets. I wanted to know what made Grayson tick. I wanted him to let me in.
“Because I don’t trust Kyle,” Grayson replied, his tone cold and dismissive. I opened my mouth, about to point out the fact that his opinion of Kyle had nothing to do with jealousy, but thought better of it. Instead, we drove the rest of the way to school in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said once Grayson parked his truck in the student lot. I went to open the door to get out, but his voice halted me.
“Everly,” he said softly, my name a caress on his lips. I turned to face him, my breath catching in my throat. Grayson was looking at me as if I was the only person he could see. It was how he usually looked at me— the same intensity that had been confusing me for years.
Grayson brought his face closer to mine, his eyes roaming my features, as if he was attempting to commit them to memory.
He looked as if he had a thousand things that he wanted to say, a thousand words that wouldn’t take shape. I wanted him to speak; I needed him to tell me why he seemed so broken and untouchable…why he held me at a distance when it felt like there was something real and strong between us. Why he always disappeared the moment he let me in a little. I wanted him to trust me, to know that I would have his back against the demons he seemed to constantly battle with.
Damaged Goods Page 9
