Death Sucks

by Andrew Mallen

  “Don’t say that Len, you don’t know that.” Roger took Lenny’s small hand in his own. “There is one thing I need from you before you do this though.”

  “Let’s hear it.” Lenny was willing to compromise.

  “Marry me,” Roger demanded.

  “Big guy’s a romantic,” Jackie whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

  “Sure is,” Bobby agreed.

  Lenny perked his eyebrows inquisitively.

  “She said you two are meant for each other,” Bobby replied.

  “She’s right!” Lenny cried as he stood, circled around to Roger, took his unshaven face in his trembling hands and kissed him long and hard.

  “That a yes?” Roger asked breathless once they parted.

  “No! It’s a hell yeah!” Lenny howled.

  “Tomorrow night?” Roger pushed.

  “Tomorrow night!” Lenny cheered.

  “I‘ve never been to a gay wedding,” Jackie clapped, overjoyed.

  “Me neither,” Bobby replied.

  Lenny’s eyebrows demanded information.

  “She’s super excited. She’s clapping,” Bobby informed the beaming couple.

  “We gotta call everyone. We need a minister, flowers, food!” Lenny went into overdrive.

  “No Len,” Roger stopped the madness before it picked up speed. “Just you and me.”

  “Just you and me?” Lenny asked, his planning abruptly ended but not his happiness.

  “Just you and me. This is for us, not for anyone else,” Roger spoke from his heart. “No crowd. No fuss. Just us.”

  “You and me,” Lenny whispered tenderly, tears welling in his eyes.

  “Bobby can be the minister,” Roger said and lovingly wiped a tear from Lenny’s pimple scared cheek with one finger.

  “What?” Bobby yelped, sabotaging the moment.

  “You’re as close to a priest as we got buddy. You got the robe and the thingy, all you need is a weird hat and you could be the pope.”

  “That’s blasphemy!” Jackie cried with toothless anger, she was as wrapped up in the love fest as the lovers.

  Bobby didn’t bother forwarding her thought. “I guess I can handle it but it won’t be legal.”

  “Legal dude?” Roger looked at him dumbfounded. “Did you really just say that?”

  The irony wasn’t lost on Bobby who burst into a fit of laughter at his own stupidity. Lenny, Roger and Jackie joined him. On the couch in the living room Jordan shook his head, he’d never understand grown-ups, dead or alive.

  18.

  While Bobby researched the finer points of his new calling as an impromptu minister, the future newlyweds researched the even finer points of murder. Under the watchful glare of Lord Vader the game room was silent apart from the clicking of keys and the whirl of the powerful laptop’s fan motors. Bobby was as nervous as a virgin on prom night. Lenny and Roger were as giddy as his date.

  Dinner was Lenny’s choice, considering it might be his last it was only fair. He ignored Roger’s recommendation for Chinese and instead ordered an extremely expensive sushi platter from the poshest place in town. Suited in matching silver tuxedos they’d bought for the wedding that never happened because they had both been shot by a possessed police officer, a little tidbit they left out of the note sent to all the would-be guests, they ate slowly, savoring every morsel of the overpriced fish. The dead hung out upstairs, giving them as much privacy as they could.

  “Do you think it will work?” Jackie asked, she was a nervous wreck.

  “I hope so.” Bobby couldn’t and wouldn’t make any promises.

  “Those two, they got something, they’re right for each other, ya’know. I want to see my Wendy, I want me and my baby to get to her but I don’t feel right letting them risk so much us,” Jackie confessed.

  “We don’t have any other options.” Bobby hated himself for what he’d pushed them to.

  “You…the Reaper that shows up…are you going to kill him?” Jackie asked.

  “Or her. Yes.”

  “But what if they’re like you, what if they don’t belong in hell either?” Jackie posed a question Bobby hadn’t thought of.

  Bobby didn’t reply.

  “You could give him…or her a chance, maybe they’ll be on our side,” Jackie pushed.

  Bobby heard the good in her but couldn’t abide by it. Surprise was his best chance at winning, and he couldn’t risk losing that advantage.

  “You can’t,” Jackie saw the dark truth in his eyes.

  “I can’t,” Bobby agreed.

  “Why?”

  Bobby explained the simple truth of what was to come, “Reapers are trained to fight and kill Angels. This dude, or whoever comes for Lenny, he’ll be ready for a fight and he’ll have had plenty of practice. I’ve been sitting around here getting soft. I gotta cut him down as soon as he steps out of the portal or else I’ll put you, Jordan, Lenny, Roger, the whole frigging world in jeopardy.”

  “So you just kill him in cold blood, no questions asked?” Jackie clearly didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

  “Yes, cold blood’s all I got.”

  “That’s messed up.”

  Bobby was losing his patience. He stood and went to the printer where the vows he’d composed were being churned from its noisy innards. “Those two have dedicated their lives and maybe their deaths to this,” he said calmly. “If it was just me maybe I’d do it differently but it’s not. It’s bigger than me, it’s bigger than all of us. Yeah it sucks and yeah it’s not fair but if we can fix what’s broken, it’ll be worth it. If we somehow make this thing work, it’s worth killing a thousand Reapers if you ask me.”

  “You’re lying to yourself,” she replied, unmoved.

  Come on lady, give it a fucking rest!

  “Maybe but at this point I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  Bobby held her with his eyes. He knew her heart was in the right place but she wasn’t going to change his mind. She wasn’t going to stop him.

  “I pray to God you know what you’re doing,” Jackie whispered and made the sign of the cross.

  “Do. Pray. Pray hard because we need all the help we can get,” Bobby replied sharply and walked out of the room to find a quiet corner to practice reciting the words he’d worked so hard to write.

  *

  Lenny and Roger deserved better. They deserved a huge hall decorated with beautiful flowers and filled with people who loved them not a townhouse kitchen draped with left over St. Paddy’s day streamers and with a lonely Easter basket of supermarket roses as the center piece. His part, his words, had to be perfect to make up for all that was missing.

  No pressure though.

  *

  Adults were crazy and weird and did a lot of stupid stuff, Jordan had figured that out a long time ago. Lenny and Roger, they were different. It wasn’t the gay thing, he knew all about that kind of stuff but could never figure out why people made such a big deal about it. It wasn’t the white thing either. White people weren’t at all like his friends said they were. Yeah, they were corny and kinda boring but they didn’t hate him. And they didn’t talk shit about black people all the time, even when they thought they were alone. They were different because they were going to do something crazy to help people they didn’t know. People who would never know who they were or what they had done. That was what made them different. That was what made them unlike anyone Jordan had ever met before.

  The wedding was cool. Jordan had never been to one so he paid close attention and tried real hard to figure out what all the fuss was about. His mom and the big guy cried but it was a good kind of crying, happy tears his mom called them. The dead dude was real nervous and he stuttered a lot but he said some rally nice things about Lenny and Roger. He really loved them, you could tell. Not gay love though, family love.

  Lenny and Roger drank champagne and his mom complained about that a lot. She was really jealous because she loved that stuff. He tasted it once, it was like p
iss with bubbles. They all danced to a few really bad songs and they were real bad at it. His mom didn’t seem to care though. She laughed, that was good, she hadn’t laughed for a long time. It was a good night. Everyone was happy which was weird considering they were going to kill Lenny in the morning.

  *

  “You okay honey bear?” Jackie startled Jordan who’d been staring into space from the kitchen archway.

  “Uh, yeah, no worries,” the boy replied without a shred of conviction.

  Bobby and Jackie exchange a curious glance.

  “Tell me,” Jackie ordered.

  “I think I had a dream,” Jordan replied although he wasn’t sure.

  “You gotta sleep to dream baby,” Jackie smiled to hide the cold tentacles of fear that began to wrap around her.

  “I know mom but I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. I ain’t stupid!” Jordan cried, his own fear had him on edge. “It was so real. It felt like…like…scary I guess. I don’t know!”

  “Come here baby, it’s okay.”

  Jackie crouched down and opened her arms. Jordan sprinted into their comforting embrace.

  Man, I want someone to hug me like that.

  Lenny stopped ogling his new husband long enough to notice the Reaper was fixated on something. “What’s up?”

  “Jordan had a dream,” Bobby answered without turning.

  “A nightmare?” Roger asked.

  “Rog,” Lenny sighed. “They don’t sleep.”

  “Right. Oh shit!” Roger caught on.

  Jackie climbed into a chair between the breakfasting newlyweds and patted her thigh, inviting her son onboard. “Tell us about it baby, tell us what you saw.”

  Jordan accepted the invitation and snuggled against her chest. At the ripe old age of ten it was unheard of but he did it anyway.

  “It’s okay kiddo,” Bobby tried his best Mr. Rogers impression, sounding creepy instead of comforting.

  Jordan gave him a look, the one every kid has in their arsenal, the one that says ‘Don’t feed me that bullshit, I’m a kid not an idiot.’

  Point taken, don’t bullshit the kid.

  Jordan turned back to his mom, the look he gave Bobby replaced by one of love and trust. “So I was chilling on the couch watching that long commercial about the vacuum, the one with the English guy who talks like he’s like the smartest guy in the world. Like, wake up bro you’re a vacuum salesman right?”

  He ain’t smarter than you kid.

  “So the TV just goes blank. I thought Bobby was messing with me again so I checked for the remote and it was right there on the table where Lenny likes it.”

  “Okay,” Jackie said, her smooth forehead giving way to the first wrinkle of worry.

  “What’s going on Bobby?” Lenny whispered, unable to restrain his curiosity.

  “Wait.” Bobby held up one long finger.

  Jordan kept going, his big eyes locked on his mothers. “There was this girl…this lady. She looked real scared, I mean legit scared. She knew my name, it was kinda weird. She didn’t want me to be afraid and she said she had something very important to tell me.”

  Holy shit! It’s her! It’s Maria! It has to be! She came back!

  “She…did she have red hair?” Bobby interrupted, he couldn’t help it.

  “Nah.” Jordan shook his head. “It wasn’t red,”

  Bobby’s lifeless heart sunk like a stone.

  “But she knew your name?” Jackie, seeing the Reaper’s reaction, took up the role of lead investigator once again.

  “Yeah. She was just there, like, kinda floating. She said she needed us to do something, that we had to go somewhere and she’d meet us there. She said she’d bring him. It was kinda freaky.”

  “Holy shit,” Bobby gasped.

  “What? What is it?” Lenny fidgeted like a toddler holding in a long overdue pee.

  “Who’s going to meet us baby?” Jackie coaxed, ignoring the living.

  “Him.” Jordan shrugged. “She just said him.”

  “And where are we supposed to meet this nice lady and her friend?”

  “Maria,” Jordan said with a smile. “Her name was Maria.”

  What the fuck?

  Bobby exploded from his perch on the kitchen counter. “Jordan! Jordan? Maria, did she have orange hair?”

  “Yeah, really long and curly too. Her cheeks had like dots on them, not zits though, those dots really white people have sometimes,” the kid cringed and looked at Lenny when he said zits.

  Red! Orange! Really kid?

  “Green eyes?” Bobby asked, crouching beside Jackie, his eyes level with Jordan’s.

  “Crazy green yo! Probably contacts thought,” Jordan fell into a fond memory. “Wendy was saving for ones just like them, she wanted to look like Rihanna.”

  “Oh no she’s not…” Jackie began but caught herself and lapsed into sorrowful silence.

  “Sorry mommy,” Jordan nuzzled against his mother’s broken heart.

  “It’s okay honey bear, we’ll see her soon,” Jackie said and kissed the boys head as he buried his face in her bosom.

  Bobby wanted so badly to interrupt them, to pull all he could from the boy but he didn’t have the heart. They were still mourning. He had no right to taint it, even if his head was about to explode.

  “What’s going on Bobby?” Roger asked, his own curiosity stoked.

  “Jordan saw Maria. She wants us to meet her somewhere. I think she’s bringing God.”

  “What the fuck!” Lenny screamed.

  “Seriously? She came back!” Roger howled, staring at the empty chair where the ghosts sat.

  “Jordan honey, tell Bobby all about it,” Lenny tried to help things along, unaware of the dead’s tender moment.

  “Just give them a minute Lenny,” Bobby advised and winked.

  Lenny got the hint. Roger didn’t, “Spill it little man, we need to know what she told you!”

  Jackie shot him a look that would have made his balls shrivel if he could see it. Bobby shook his head. Roger nodded. Lenny rolled his eyes.

  “It’s okay,” Jordan said softly, emerging from the cocoon of his mother’s protection. “I just got a little leaky, no biggie.”

  “Totally cool bro, I would too, probably a lot leaky, probably more like floody,” Bobby replied.

  “Floody? That’s not even a word yo.” Jordan shook his head as if embarrassed by the Reaper’s stupidity.

  Tough crowd.

  “Sure it is. Floody, sounds right.”

  “No way.” Jordan wasn’t having it.

  “Be nice honey.” Jackie gave the boy a squeeze.

  “I’m just helping Bobby so he doesn’t sound so stupid.”

  Damn kid, tell us how you really feel.

  Jackie shot him with a look he wisely obeyed. “Now tell us exactly what Maria said,” she said.

  Jordan thought about it but recalling the details of a dream, especially one he shouldn’t have had, wasn’t easy. “She said we had to meet her somewhere,” he said. “Something oriental and something about a fork.”

  “Oriental, like China, that can’t be right,” Bobby said as he tried to wrap his mind around the riddle. “Think Jordan, think hard.”

  “Easy Bobby,” Jackie warned.

  “Sorry,” Bobby replied, realizing he’d come on a little strong, maybe a lot strong.

  Jordan waited for Bobby to back off before continuing, “She def said the Oriental thing and something about water and a fork and that we had to be there when the sun chased the moon or something like that.”

  “A fork?” Jackie questioned the odd fact.

  “Yeah, weird right?” Jordan agreed.

  “Is it a clue or a riddle or something stupid like that?” Bobby’s asked as his mind whirled.

  “Riddles? Tell us, tell us!” Lenny cried.

  “Jordan said she told him we had to meet them at some Oriental fork,” Bobby repeated the boy’s strange recollection, it sounded even more peculiar when he said it
.

  “Chopsticks?” Roger spitballed.

  Everyone ignored him.

  “Anything else?” Lenny was hungry for more, he loved puzzles and mysteries.

  “Yeah, she mentioned water too,” Bobby replied.

  “Yeah,” Jordan agreed. “And north, something about north and a truth star I think.”

  “A truth star. North,” Bobby repeated to keep the living in the loop.

  GPS coordinates would’ve been a lot fucking easier sweetheart! Or an address, there’s a bright idea, a fucking address.

  “What star?” Lenny was salivating for more.

  Roger looked as confused as a panicked rabbit surrounded by holes.

  “The truth star, tell Lenny she said it was a truth star,” Jordan knew Lenny was the smart one.

  “The truth star,” Bobby obeyed.

  Lenny squealed, “The North Star, true north, ah…Polaris, that’s its real name.”

  “One hundred points for my brainy hubby,” Roger held up his hand for a well-deserved high five.

  “Really Roger?” Bobby barked.

  Roger lowered his hand and his head slowly.

  “Did what Lenny say sound right?” Jackie asked her son.

  “I guess.” But he wasn’t sure of anything except not liking being in the hot seat.

  “She said north though right?” Bobby verified.

  “Yeah but I don’t know if she meant the star was north or true or whatever?” Jordan explained.

  “North Star. North Fork! Oriental?” Lenny ranted on as his mind connected the fragmented pieces of Jordan’s puzzle. “Orient Point is on the North Fork! That’s it! That’s it, it has to be! It’s all the way out on the east end of Long Island!”

  “Yeah, I think he got it mom!” Jordan cried.

  “Like Montauk?” Roger asked, it was the only town he knew out that way, that and the Hamptons, but he didn’t know if that was a town or a bunch of towns or some other rich people thing.

  “Close but wrong side. The island kinda splits out there, that’s why they call it a fork,” Bobby explained to everyone. “Montauk is at the tip of the south fork and Orient Point is at the tip of the north fork.”

  “Good boy Jordan,” Jackie squeezed her son, as happy as he was to be done with the interrogation.