Death Sucks

by Andrew Mallen

  Bobby thought back to everything that happened, recalling his every move, chapter by chapter, of his life since death. Gordon was right about a lot of it. When he was in Hell, he felt himself sliding toward the darkside. And when he met Maria, he started finding his way back, but love wasn’t part of it back then. When he met her on the side of the Long Island Expressway, what seemed like a trillion years ago, that wasn’t love. A serious case of the hots maybe, calling it love was overkill. “I don’t think I loved her as soon as I saw her,” Bobby confessed reluctantly. “I mean she was hot, ya’know, but calling it love doesn’t seem right. Lust maybe, I guess, but not love dude, that came later. Right babe?”

  Maria said nothing, folded her arms and turned to study the shimmering pond.

  Shit.

  “You did,” Gordon replied matter-of-factly, too matter-of-factly for Bobby’s liking.

  “Really, I’m serious,” Bobby let his mouth take the wheel, taking him down a bad road in a big hurry. “She was all stiff, ya’know, kinda uppity and a real pain in the ass.”

  “Really? Uppity? A pain in the ass?” Maria cried, embarrassment and anger reddened her cheeks. “Nice Bobby, really nice.”

  “Sorry babe, I’m just trying to make a point.”

  Gordon interrupted their squabble, “Love is instant. It doesn’t grow, end, break or fade. It just is. And when it is, it always is.”

  “I’m not scooping what you’re pooping Gordo,” Bobby said, knowing he loved Maria now more than ever and that he’d love her even more tomorrow.

  “Perhaps you refused to see it. Maybe you felt it but did not recognize it,” Gordon explained, kind but stern, leaving no more room for further debate. “I created it, I know how it works Robert. You don’t have to believe me but it is the truth, nonetheless.”

  Bobby got the point and nodded, ashamed to being stubborn enough to argue with God in the first place. “Sorry Gordo, I still got a ton of baggage I need to unload. You do you big guy, I’m just a little bitter I guess, a trip to Hell can do that to a guy ya’know? I hope they all come back to you, I hope they appreciate the awesomeness of what you’ve done for them…the awesomeness of you.”

  Gordon smiled, love and logic did not always see eye-to-eye. He had been a victim to the same confusion with Sin. Love, although a balm for the heart, can poison the mind.

  *

  With the tension fading Bobby posed a far less universally controversial question, “So, like, Maria was into me from the giddy-up?”

  “Oh please,” Maria groaned. “Don’t engage him my Lord, he’s being foolish.”

  “Yes,” Gordon replied, a sly smile curled his lips as the Angel’s complexion burned an even brighter shade of red.

  “I knew it!” Bobby cheered, raising his hands as if he’d just won the Presidency while spinning to acknowledge the silent applause of his imaginary constituency.

  “Really? You’re such a dork.” Maria shook her head, trying her best to look angry but failing miserably, her adoring smile refused to be denied.

  The Angel believed Gordon without reservation. He was the Creator, if he said love was instant then love was instant. She felt something when she first met Bobby. She recalled how he seemed different from the other Reapers. He’d been honest which she’d thought was weird. His awkward introduction, even weirder. He’d been kinda bashful, she remembered thinking it was cute. He seemed so lost and scared, so out of place, so unreaperlike. She remembered pitying him but wouldn’t dare admit it, hearing her say it would hurt him. She’d told him her name, which was huge. It was the first time she had ever broken the Laws and never did again until their second encounter. She always wondered what drove her to go against all she believed in when it came to him. Now she knew. Deep inside she always knew but refused it. Hearing Gordon say it, hearing Him praise it, the feeling at the root of all she had done, she knew their love was born the very moment they met.

  “A dork, that’s radical dude. I may be a dork my 80s princess but this dork is heading to Heaven, right Gordo?”

  Maria turned to the old fisherman, afraid of His response, she had no idea what came next. She was still an Angel and there were still souls to collect. If needed, she would serve. It was what she swore to do.

  *

  Gordon studied them as if trying to memorize their faces. The Angel and Reaper were like no others. They had done what even He thought impossible. Not by saving the faltering worlds He’d helplessly watched slide toward darkness. Not by ridding them of the curse that was Sin. They taught Him something. The two souls who fought for what they knew was right despite the enormity of the enemy they faced and the immeasurable odds stacked against them, had taught him the truth of forgiveness and the incalculable power of love. He would be forever in their debt. A little vacation was the least he could do. “I think you two deserve a break?”

  Maria sighed deeply, her nosed whistled as her breath rushed through it. Bobby’s heart skipped a beat at the sound.

  Oh man, I’m in deep.

  “So like a vacation?” Bobby asked, liking that idea, and definitely in need of a little down time.

  “Yes,” Gordon replied.

  “Is there like a Ritz Carlton up there or a Sandals or something? I’m thinking margaritas and bikinis, turquois water and tan lines! Oh yeah baby, two tickets to paradise! Yes please and thank you very much.”

  Gordon laughed, the Reaper’s joy was intoxicating. “You don’t have to name it,” he explained when his laughter petered out. “Just think of it and you will have it.”

  “Wow, a legit dream vacation, get it?” Bobby chirped, giddy and growing giddier by the moment. “You ready girl? Where to?”

  “My Lord, what about the souls?” Maria asked, looking past a baffled Bobby to Gordon. “I swore an oath.”

  “Relax child, there is no longer a need. All souls will now find their way to me when they are ready.” Gordon closed his eyes, imagining His new world. “Without Sin, without Hell, there is only one place for them to go. All are welcome, all will find their peace with me.”

  “Great!” Bobby didn’t care as long as Maria was free to spend an eternity or two with him. “Sounds like you’re free as a bird babe. Where to?”

  Maria tilted her head, pursed her lips and tapped her chin with the pointer finger of one hand, contemplating the endless options for the perfect gateway. Bobby couldn’t take it, not the suspense or her beauty. He pulled the Angel into his arms and kissed her deeply. Resisting its draw, when all she wanted to do was lose herself in it, Maria squirmed free. Flustered and embarrassed, avoiding Bobby’s eyes she found Gordon’s and froze. “Sorry my Lord.”

  “Love is nothing to be ashamed of Maria. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Let it have you. That is what it is for,” Gordon replied, sadden by her guilt and surprised by her ability to resist what he knew she so desperately desired. “And please, Maria, call me by my name.”

  “Oh…okay. Yes my…Esha. Gordon? Esha?”

  Gordon laughed, Maria and Bobby joined him. When they settled Maria surprised them all, pulling Bobby against her, kissing him with all she had.

  I’d go to Hell a thousand times for this.

  *

  “You pick the place Bobby,” Maria gasped when the PDA was over.

  “Ready?” Gordon asked.

  “Um, I have…well, it’s just that,” Bobby stammered, needing to clear up a few minor details but struggling to find the words.

  “Ask your question Robert,” Gordon said.

  “Maybe in private?” Bobby smiled at Maria, who looked utterly confused, then walked a few feet way to wait for Gordon.

  Gordon shrugged, winked at the Angel and followed him. “What is it my son?”

  “So this place, this vacation thing, there’s food and stuff?”

  “Anything you can dream of.”

  “What about, like, beer? I know it’s not wine, I don’t know why I’d assume you like wine, maybe the whole Jesus thing, but I do love a cold brew on the beach, y
a’know.” Bobby was stalling, trying to build up the courage to ask the real question.

  “Everything you want will be there Robert. Anything else?”

  “Well, no…well, yeah…kinda.”

  “Ask Robert.”

  “Oh…okay. Can, um…can you call me Bobby?”

  “Yes. Now stop being afraid. You killed Sin but you can’t ask me a simple question? Come on Bobby.”

  “Yeah, okay… good point.” Bobby nodded, cleared his throat and asked, “Well, I was thinking, ya’know, we’re not married but, like, we love each other, so, maybe…um, if it’s cool with you, and with Maria too of course, no means no, I’m a big supporter of no, big fan of no…”

  “Yes,” Gordon said, letting Bobby off the hook before he stalled himself to death.

  “What? You said yes but…um, I didn’t…?”

  “Yes, you can have sex. I gave every creature all they need for it and none require my permission, no more than they would need my permission to breathe or to eat.”

  Woooooohooooooooo!

  “So yes to sex?”

  “Yes to sex,” Gordon said again.

  “We can do it!” Bobby whirled as if Maria lay naked and waiting. “We can have sex babe!”

  Maria’s face burned as red as a ripe summer tomato but smiled wide despite the revelation’s crude delivery and her man’s lack of tact. Gordon regarded her lovingly, his gaze should have heightened her humiliation but the delight sparkling in His eyes quenched it instead.

  “Let’s get this show on the road!” Bobby cried, running to scoop Maria off her feet, cradling her in his arms and kissing her deeply once again.

  “You’re a fool,” she whispered when their lips parted.

  “Yes I am. Who’s the bigger fool though, the fool or the woman in love with a fool?”

  Maria shook her head and rolled her eyes playfully.

  “Ready?” Gordon asked.

  “Yes,” Bobby barely let him finish.

  “Can you see it?”

  Bobby closed his eyes and pictured an endless sea of clear turquois water. Its sparkling surface rippled lazily in the warm light of a golden sun set high in a vast, cloudless sky. A tiny island, alive with the vivid colors and fragrant aromas of paradise, lived alone on the magnificent sea. Shaped like a waning moon, the inner crescent of powder-fine, white sand curved to shelter the shallows and the stilted cottage standing above them. Linen curtain fluttered through large, glassless windows. Pairs of thickly padded chaise lounges waited on every side of the wrap-around deck. Fishing poles stood beside the gently swaying rope bridge that lead to shore.

  Peace. Beauty. Solitude. And of course, the most beautiful woman in the universe. Yes please.

  “Do you see it?” Gordon’s voice carried on the gentle ocean breeze.

  “Oh yeah.” Bobby could almost smell the salt.

  “Ready?”

  I’ve never been more ready for anything.

  “Let her rip Gordo!”

  “Goodbye Bobby.”

  “See ya big guy, and thanks.”

  “No Bobby. Thank you.”

  The end…

  A WORD

  Dear Reader,

  First of all, thank you for reading DEATH SUCKS. You could have picked any number of fantastic books but you picked mine and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I hope it made you squirm, scream, wonder, laugh out loud and maybe even shed a tear or two. That’s the point, right?

  In my humble opinion the most important person in the literary world is you, the reader. If I’m not writing for you then who or what am I writing for? The money? Surely you jest. The fame? Not I said the blind man. I write because I need to. I write because I love the stories I create and want to share them.

  Your feedback is as vital to a book as sunlight to a plant. Without it, no matter how strong the prose or riveting the plot, the story will wither and die.

  If you enjoyed the book PLEASE let your friends and family know, post it on Facebook and Twitter, tell that guy at work who always has a book in his back pocket or that gal who carries her Kindle everywhere she goes. Submitting an honest review on Amazon is the holy grail of reader feedback and I welcome each and every one with open arms.

  DEATH SUCKS is just the beginning and with your help, dear Reader, I hope to hone my craft and provide weirder, wilder and more entertaining stories for years to come.

  Thanks again,

  Andrew