“Sorry,” he said, “got dust in my eye.”
“Ah yes, the barn district is known for its dust, sir.”
“It is?” Gappy replied. “I hadn’t noticed. Well, no, I’ve not heard of this person you mentioned.” He turned to Tootz. “Have you heard of him?” She gave Gappy a knowing look and shook her head.
“That’s the thing that’s weird about this,” the officer said while tapping his pencil on his pad of paper, “none of the officers have either, but supposedly he’s the guy that reported this accident.”
“Interesting,” Gappy said, licking his lips.
“If only these Dark Halflings would speak up, we could get to the bottom of this.”
“Mummin’ fummin’ that’s the fummin’ guy, ya fummin’ melroon,” Grumbles said irritably.
The officer leaned in and spoke out of the side of his mouth. “Definitely a head injury on that one.” Then he leaned back again. “Anyway, if you hear anything, please call the station and let us know.”
“I’ll do that, of course,” Gappy replied.
The officer stepped back and looked over the wheely engine. It wasn’t a make that was common in these parts of the Underworld for certain. While there weren’t many wheely engine collectors out there, this Troll appeared to be appraising the vehicle as if it were up for auction.
“Haven’t seen one of these in years,” he said. “It’s a Tink Bolt GT, is it not?”
“Yes, sir,” Gappy said with a shocked smile.
“Nice ride. Much better than the LT model. That one hardly had any pep.”
“This one zips at a good pace.”
The officer nodded then leaned in and studied the front of the car for a moment. “By the way, don’t know if you’re aware or not, but you’ve got a dent on the front of your car and it’s covered in white paint.”
Gappy coughed for a second as he looked over at the side of the white truck that they were pulling back up onto the road. It had a matching dent on the front side of it.
“Uh…must have been when I hit it with the paint can the other day. I have to get it touched up. Can’t be driving a gem like this around for long with a blemish like that, eh?”
“Definitely agreed. Nothing worse than a slip-up like that.”
“Right.”
“Mummin’ fummin’ arrest that fummin’ Gnomein’, will ya?” Grumbles said just as one of the emergency technicians gave him a shot that cause him to stagger slightly.
“Sad,” the officer said, looking back at Grumbles. “Hopefully he’ll mend up nicely. They took quite a spill.” He took a deep breath. “Well, sir, sorry to have taken up your time. Have a nice day.”
“You too,” said Gappy before slowly driving away.
The rest of the trip was quiet. Gappy kept checking the rear-view mirror, fully expecting to see lights following him at any moment.
Tootz carried a half-smile the entire time, signaling to Gappy that she’d known that something nefarious was definitely going on, but she said nothing. He was glad for that because he truly had no interest in explaining.
MAIDEN VOYAGE
Shrit came out to meet them as they pulled up the driveway. The Orc was wiping his hands again with one of Gappy’s bedsheets. He was also wearing the same set of clothes he’d had on since the two had met. Interestingly, though, Shrit was never noisome. If anything, he always smelled freshly washed.
“Did you hear about the accident on the main highway?” Shrit asked. “It was on ElfRadio.”
“ElfRadio?” Gappy said.
“Yeah,” Shrit answered. “You know, that UnderNet radio station.”
“I know about it, sure, but GnomeRadio is better.”
“Not as many stations,” Shrit countered. “Anyway, they said that there was a white truck with a bunch of Dark Halflings in it, and—”
“We saw it, Shrit,” Gappy interrupted. “Passed it on the way back.”
“Oh.”
Gappy quickly moved to change the subject. “How’s the building coming along?”
“Good,” Shrit said, walking in to the barn to show his handiwork. “I’ve got most of the framing done and have installed a few lines for electrical, too. Was thinking to tap into the city’s water and sewage system, if you’re all right with that?”
“Actually,” Gappy said, “it would be great if you could connect my house to it as well.”
“Already planning on it,” Shrit said with a nod. “Was also thinking to set up a media room just outside of my living space. Just an area where we can watch movies and eat pizza, you know?”
“And they call me industrious,” Gappy said with a laugh.
“Speaking of which,” Tootz chimed in while tapping on her watch, “I have a meeting in an hour that I have to get back to.”
“Right, sorry,” Gappy said. “Sure you don’t want to watch, Shrit?”
“No, thanks,” the Orc replied. “But, hey, if anything happens, well, it was good knowing you.”
Gappy sniffed and shook his head.
The Whirligig was just as he had left it that morning, but the way the sun was striking off its edge made it look majestic. He felt an enormous sense of pride, and he hoped that pride would surge even higher when he took the machine into the air. There was bound to be at least one problem, though. There always was.
He set about doing a full check of the entire craft before starting the engine. It was one thing to fail on something hidden, but it was inexcusable for a Gnome to fail due to a lack of checking the basics. The thought of torch-hose gas leaks came to mind.
The nose was sealed tight since he’d used overlapping metal mixed with rivets and stitch-welding; the legs, though light, were steady and balanced; and the tail section was firmly set as he pulled on each of the blades to make sure they were sturdy. The main compartment’s window was sealed with rubber edges to keep it in place. It was made of a pliable plastic material that was lightweight and nearly unbreakable. He climbed up a little ladder that allowed him to access the main blade system, then he reached out and gently pushed each one to ensure they were solidly in place. All that was left was to check each gauge and start up the engine.
Gappy motioned Tootz to stand back as he set the ignition to prep. The lights all came on and various needles danced into their expected positions.
He grabbed the goggles from the tools compartment and slipped them over his head before taking a deep breath, giving Tootz the thumbs-up, and turning the ignition switch from prep to on.
The sound of whirring filled the air as the rotor started spinning. Gappy’s heart raced with excitement. The blades began picking up speed, causing the grass around him to bend with the rush of wind that blasted the area. Tootz kept backing farther away until she was able to take her hand off her hat. Good thing, too, since she probably would have been knocked from her feet as the blades continued speeding up.
Pop!
Gappy didn’t like the sound of that. He glanced from gauge to gauge, trying to spot the source of the problem as the rotor shut down and the blades began slowing their spin.
“Dang it!”
Gappy jumped from the pilot’s seat and moved to the back compartment, opening it up and looking inside. He ran through each of the wires while the blades continued slowing down. Everything checked out, but there had definitely been a popping sound and that was never a good thing.
That’s when he remembered the aloofenator.
He reconnected the primary access panel and tightened the screws before jumping back to the front console. Sure enough, the aloofenator’s fuse was knocked out. He had a feeling that the settings were off. Fortunately, he had purchased fuses in bulk.
“What happened?” Tootz asked from the side of the craft, indicating that the blades had slowed their spin enough for her to not be blown over by their force.
“The aloofenator,” Gappy answered as he replaced the fuse, “just as I’d expected. Always seems to be the problem whenever I use them, anyway.”
“Then why do you use them?”
“Because they’re half the cost of the bingtekler. It’ll be fine, I just have to tweak the sensitivity.” He pulled forth a tiny screwdriver and tweaked the main setting. “That should do it.”
“What happens if you’re in the air and it blows out again?”
Gappy sat back and looked at her. “Good point.”
“Wouldn’t it be smarter just to use the bingtekler?”
“Probably,” he said with a sigh. “They’re just so pricey.”
“Can you truly put a price on safety?”
“It seems that the aloofenator people think you can,” Gappy stated. Tootz gave him a look that spelled disapproval. “Oh, fine,” Gappy said as he reached into the front console. “I only have two of these though. If it blows out …”
“Then that means something else is wrong and you won’t be flying this beast until you figure out exactly what that is, right?”
“Right,” he said, reaching back in to remove the aloofenator and stick in the bingtekler. After a quick check on the readout, it said it was on 100%. “Okay, you might want to stand back again.”
Tootz moved all the way down to the barn and pressed her back against it.
He turned the switch to full.
The rotor sounded smoother this time. Obviously he should have used the bingtekler in the first place. It wasn’t like this was some little tinkering project, after all. He grimaced at himself and started running over each readout, doing small calculations and then verifying all the numbers. The blades were spinning much faster now as he looked over at Tootz. She was again holding her hat on.
Gappy pulled his goggles back down, set his feet on the pedals, took hold of the cyclic with his right hand and the collective with his left, and then steadied his nerves.
It was go time.
He pulled gently up on the collective and felt the Whirligig start to rise off the ground. Once he’d reached the top of the barn, he looked over to see Shrit was hanging out the window with a look of terror on his face. Gappy smiled and pulled the collective harder.
Up, up he went, clearing the tops of the trees before he stabilized his height. It was already a very long drop back to Ononokin.
He pressed the left pedal and the nose of the Whirligig started going left. He lifted it and did the same thing on the right.
So far, so good.
Gappy gently pressed the cyclic forward and the vehicle tipped forward and began moving straight ahead. He pushed it a little farther and started moving to the left and right as he got the feel for flying.
Being a Gnome wasn’t always fun, especially when walking through a crowded building that was full of tall people, but Gnomes mastered technology much faster than most races, and that meant that he was able to fly his Whirligig like a pro in no time at all.
He soon found himself laughing heartily as he crossed over the treetops and gawked down at lakes and animals and roads. It was amazing to see the world from this angle. His heart soared even higher than his contraption was taking him.
As he flew over the town of Planoontik, he saw people of all types pointing up at him. Some people ran into the buildings while others ran out of buildings. There was clearly a mixed set of emotions coming from the people below.
Gappy swung the Whirligig around and brought it to full speed back to his barn.
The landing was flawless as he set down in the same spot he’d lifted off from. He flicked off the ignition and waited for the blades to slow down before he jumped free and ran down to Tootz.
She looked amazed, which caused Gappy to pull himself up taller than usual.
“You did it,” she stammered.
“Yep!”
“I don’t believe it.” She looked over at the Whirligig and then back up at Gappy. “You actually did it.”
“I know,” he said with a laugh, “and it was exhilarating!”
“I’m at a loss for words, Gappy,” Tootz admitted. “That doesn’t happen very often, I assure you.”
He bowed before her and then said, “Care for a ride, my lady?”
“Don’t mind if I do,” she replied, clearly not afraid of adventure the way Shrit was.
Gappy made sure that she was carefully strapped in before he lifted off again. Then he took her for some sight-seeing, showing her lakes and rivers, all the animals and glens, and then finally did another fly over Planoontik.
“This is incredible,” she yelled and then pointed. “That’s my building!”
“Yes, it is,” he called back. “Oh, don’t you have a meeting?”
“Right, I nearly forgot!”
“Don’t worry,” he said as he lowered the Whirligig to land on top of her office. “I’m assuming you can get in from the roof?”
She guffawed and nodded. “I could get used to this kind of service. That took no time at all. Much faster than the wheely engine.”
“And there’s never any traffic,” he pointed out as the blades died down.
“I think you may have something amazing here, Gappy,” Tootz said, turning to look at him. “Are you sure you don’t want some investment money? It’d only take my attorney a few minutes to screw you ... erm, I mean, to scrape up some contracts.”
“I appreciate it, Tootz, but I’m still going to do this alone.” He shrugged apologetically. “Don’t worry, though, I’m happy to pick you up whenever you want.”
Tootz hopped down from the Whirligig and walked over to the roof access door. She looked back one more time, adjusted her hat, and then went inside.
TAKE THOSE BLUEPRINTS!
Follow me, Scrumptious,” Tootz said as she walked past her assistant’s desk and went inside her office.
“Do you want tea, ma’am?”
“No,” she replied. She did want tea, but this was important. “Just come in here.”
Scrumptious dutifully walked into the office with his notepad handy.
Tootz noticed a number of bandages on his arms and legs, and there were countless welts on his neck and face.
“What happened to you?” she asked. “You look awful.”
“Bug bites, I guess,” he replied. “They itch like mad.”
“I didn’t notice anything last night or this morning.”
“I guess it took a while, ma’am.”
“Hmmm,” she replied as she sat down. “Well, I’m sure you’ll push through.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Actually, it’s imperative that you do,” she stated firmly.
Tootz had not made a career out of trusting people. She knew better than that. They would pull one over on you every chance they got. Her mental vault contained countless examples to prove it. But she knew how to hire people that fit what she needed. Scrumptious, for example, was ridiculously attractive, for a Human, and Tootz did have a thing for Humans, but he was also rather slow on the uptake. This made him useful for handling things that others might question. Sometimes he would inquire about her motives, too, but he was easily confused, and that made him the perfect agent for her iniquitous plans.
The key when working with Scrumptious was directness. She had to instill the importance of something through the tone of her voice and her determined stare.
“I don’t care what you have to do, Scrumptious,” she said quickly, “but I want you to get me those blueprints.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Scrumptious replied. Then he furrowed his brow and said, “Sorry, ma’am, but what blueprints?”
“The blueprints for that contraption that Mr. Whirligig has built. We need to know how he’s done it so we can beat him to market with it.”
“I see, ma’am,” he said with a nod. Then, “Wouldn’t that be stealing, ma’am?”
“Whatever do you mean, Scrumptious?” Tootz replied, settling in to play against her assistant.
“Well, if your company takes the blueprints from his company,” Scrumptious explained with much effort, “wouldn’t that mean that Contraptions, LLC is stealing
from Gappy’s Gadgets?”
“Ah, yes,” Tootz said seriously. “I see where you’re confused, Scrumptious, but I do applaud you for the effort.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“You see, Scrumptious, my company isn’t stealing the blueprints from Gappy’s Gadgets. You are.”
“Oh,” Scrumptious replied as if he’d understood now. “That’s different, then.”
“Just don’t get caught, Scrumptious,” Tootz said seriously. “If you do, I’d simply have to turn you in to the police. It would only be right.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll be careful.”
He turned to head out the door. Even with all those bandages, the man was a pleasure to look at.
NEED MORE HENCHMEN
Huido had been frustrated with Gappy Whirligig before, but now he was downright angry. He couldn’t believe that the wise guy had the nerve to knock his truck full of henchmen off the road. That truck meant a lot to Huido!
At first he’d thought it was an accident, like ElfRadio was reporting. Fingernails was driving, after all. But Fingernails told him what had happened when Huido had gone to the hospital to check on the boys—after first going to the body shop to check on his beloved truck. A few of the other henchmen corroborated the story that Fingernails had relayed, and that told Huido that it was time to turn the screws on the blasted little Gnome.
The problem was that all of his henchmen were in the hospital.
When Huido was rising through the ranks in the Halfia back in Dogda, he’d been hit in the head with a hammer, a block of wood, a crowbar, a fish, countless bricks, fist upon fist … slowly he started to think that maybe all of this had contributed to his difficulty grasping complex situations. That thought gave him a headache. The point was that being thrown out of a truck while rolling down an embankment was nothing compared to what he’d endured over the years.
“Pansies,” he said as he looked back across the street at the hospital where his men lay.
Somehow he had to get this figured out. The obvious method was to grab a knife or a crossbow and take that infernal Gnome for a ride. If it weren’t for the Orc, he’d do just that. There was a big difference between being hit in the head with a brick and being punched in the head by an Orc. Huido could manage a brick.
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 65
