by Holly Jaymes
I downed a finger of the drink. “Yeah, why was that?” I poured another finger and figured I’d save the rest for later when she left.
She simply stared at me. “Why did you even take up with her again?”
“No, Lily. You answer my question. Why do you become a fucking jealous diva at the idea of me and Victoria. Is it her? Is it me? What the fuck is it?” Panic began to spread as I realized that I’d probably just lost the one woman I’d ever really loved. And why? Because Victoria was right, there was something wrong with me and Lily.
“Pax.” Her voice softened and she sank onto the couch.
“What I don’t get is how you and her were such good friends for so long, and yet, this would happen?”
She looked down and shook her head. “Victoria hasn’t been in a long-term relationship ever, that I’ve seen. Most of the men she’s dated doted on her and she gained a great deal from them. And then they were gone. I didn’t want that for you.”
I frowned. “That wasn’t the case six years ago. You weren’t trying to protect me then.”
She shrugged. “Six years ago, it was just a shock and weirdness at seeing my brother and my best friend naked. Since then, she’s been different. She’s driven at her business. Her life is that business, Pax. Just like music is yours.”
I downed my drink. “Are you at all concerned that perhaps you’re wrong? What if she’s all business because you ruined her relationships with men?”
She glared at me. “Only yours.”
I shrugged. “What if I was the one?”
“The one what?”
I didn’t know what I was saying. I knew how I felt about Victoria, but I didn’t know how she felt about me. Well, now I did. She thought I was a fucking loser that betrayed her again.
“The one like Wyatt is your one.”
She scoffed.
“What if she’s my one?”
“Pax. You and her...she’s outgoing, gregarious, tough-”
“Loyal. Don’t forget loyal.”
“And you’re an introvert.”
“You're pulling at straws now.” There was something about it that didn’t feel right. I couldn’t help the feeling that the worst thing in my life had just happened. I looked down into my empty glass. “She was right about Dane. He’s the one that told me to stay married.”
“It doesn’t change that she used you. It’s worse to know that you fell in love with her.”
I scraped my hand over my face. “She’s going to divorce me. All this was to keep me from looking like a fucking rock star cliché, and now I’m going to be divorced less than a month into the marriage anyway.”
“How long were you going to have to run this out? I mean, it wasn’t forever.”
I looked out the window. When I’d walked into the house today, I’d considered forever. “It was going to be one of those things where we drifted apart. Like Mom and Dad. We’d be married, but not live our lives together and then decide to end it.”
“Hmm, so she’d still benefit?”
“So would I.” I sat at the other end of the couch.
She moved to sit next to me. “Pax, come on. You’re a rock star. This is hardly a big scandal and something your fans might like. This won’t hurt you. Men are excused from this type of stuff all the time.”
“Like Trask?” I glanced at her.
She made a face. “Yes, like Trask. Lucky for me, I didn’t care about my career anymore. And now I’ve got a new business, a great husband, and baby on the way.”
I smiled because I was happy for her. “How are you feeling?”
She grinned. “Fucking fantastic.” She wrapped her arm around me. “I want all this for you, too Pax. But Victoria isn’t the one to give it to you.”
I stood as agitation ran through my nerves. Whether Victoria was the one for me or not didn’t really matter at this point. That bridge was burned.
“We’ve lost a friend,” I said quietly.
“Friends don’t use each other.”
I looked at her. “I used her. She let me.”
“Then it’s not using. She didn’t ask you if she could use your stardom to help her business.”
“No. I offered it when I asked her to help me.” That came back to me like a fucking neon sign. I’d said it to her in Vegas when I was asking her to help me.
“You’re having second thoughts on this?” she said.
“We were wrong, Lily. If you can’t see that then she’s right, something if fucking wrong with us.” I needed to be alone. I had to figure out what the hell had just happened. Talking with Lily now, I knew I’d tossed Victoria under the bus again, just like I had last time. Why? Why am I such a fucking asshole?
Lily stood and came to me. “Love was always hard for you.”
I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “That’s just what I’ve always felt about you. Sort of like Victoria, there’s a distance in you. That’s why you’re both so driven professionally.”
“Not with you.” I wasn’t sure what she meant.
She smiled. “No. Maybe it's because we’re twins or maybe because you and I only had each other. Until you stayed in London.”
I shook my head. “You started modeling before then. You were often on your own. I turned eighteen in London alone, remember?”
She nodded. “That’s right. I couldn’t get a flight there in time. My point is, I don’t think you trust in love.”
I was pretty sure I loved Victoria, but then again, if I did, why did I turn on her?
“You can blame Mom and Dad for that. In fact, I’ve always thought that’s why you’ve avoided them,” Lily said to me.
She should have been a shrink.
“Dad told me he and Mom loved each other, but they loved their jobs more,” I said, contemplating getting another drink and another until this nightmare was over.
“I think, although they’d never admit to it, that included us. They loved their jobs more than us. How does one grow out of that and know how to love someone else?” she questioned.
“How did you?”
She shut her eyes and looked down.
My stomach dropped as I realized that the person who helped her learn to love was her best friend. “Aw fuck, Lily. Victoria?”
“I had friends. You were always a loner. But,” she put her hands on my shoulder and gave me a shake. “Victoria was my friend. A good friend for a long time, but she has baggage too. Her mother was all about superficial shit and Victoria lives like that too. Her life is all about appearances. Check her Instagram, you’ll see what I mean.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, we’re the ones with baggage, Lily. And we’ve just destroyed the one woman who’d carry it to the ends of the earth.” I headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to find Victoria.”
“What? Why? What are you going to say?”
“I’m going to tell her that I love her and ask her to stay married to me. And if you don’t like, Lily…” I tossed my hands up. Then I walked out the door and prayed I wasn’t too late to turn things around.
She probably headed home, but I took a chance that she was at her sisters. I pounded on the door, ansty to fix things with her.
“Jeez, you’re going to wake up the dead.” Allie’s eyes widened. “You’re not wanted here, Paxton.”
“Please, I have to talk to her.” I’d beg and grovel if I had to.
She turned her head to the side. “It’s the asshole.”
I pushed my way in, hoping when she called the cops it wouldn’t be my father who arrested me. “Victoria, please. I’m sorry.”
She sat on the couch with a glass of water or maybe it was vodka. Her eyes were red and if I lived to be a hundred, I would never forgive myself for the pain I saw on her face.
“What do you want, Pax?” All the vigor had gone out of her voice as well.
“I love you.” I figured I’d lead with
the big stuff. “When I got back I was going to tell you that.”
Behind me, Allie made a scoffing sound.
“I don’t believe you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have doubted me or accused me of using you. Of calling me a mistake again. Or an accident.”
“You’re right. I don’t know what happened.” I wanted to blame Lily but I knew this was my doing. “I fucked up. Tell me what I can do to make it right.”
She stood. “Nothing.” She looked like a shell of a person and I hated myself for being the cause of it.
“You should go, Pax,” Allie said.
“Victoria, please.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll still stick to our deal. Unless you think my honoring the deal is a way to help my own business, in which, I’ll file papers tomorrow.”
“I don’t care about any of that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I find a way to earn a second chance.”
She patted me on the chest. “You had your second chance, Pax. I’ve been twice bitten, now. I’ve learned my lesson.” She left the room, heading up a short hallway.
I wanted to hold her and make her change her mind, but it was clear, she meant it when she said she was done with me. It was a loss that would live with me forever.
Chapter 23: Not a Nightmare
Victoria
I woke up reaching across the bed for Pax, except he wasn’t there. I opened my eyes, not recognizing the room. Then the day before came rushing back to me. I’d woken that morning feeling so happy and then Lily arrived, accusing me of using Pax’s celebrity to expand my business. I was so shocked at her attitude. It felt like she was a completely different person. I might have coped with that, had Pax supported me. But he doubted me too. He turned everything that happened as part of some crazy plot. Did he really think I was that conniving that I could manipulate him into doing my bidding?
Except no...he’d come to find me. Begged me to give him another chance. I love you. God how I’d wanted to hear those words. But last night, I knew I couldn’t trust him. Not again.
I turned my face into my pillow and started to cry again.
“Hey, sis’.”
I sniffled as I lifted my head. “Hey. It wasn’t a nightmare.”
She sighed with sympathy. “No. I’m sorry. I brought you coffee.” She set the mug on the side table. “Do you want to do something today?”
I shook my head. “I think I’ll drive home. I still have stuff at the cabin but I don't need it. It’ll remind me of him anyway.”
“Well, I do have an extra toothbrush in the bathroom for you. And a brush.”
“You’re the best, Allie.” I sat up and hugged her.
“So are you. And Lily and Pax are jerks for not realizing what a wonderful friend they had in you.” She stood. “I’ll let you get dressed.”
I went to the bathroom and nearly startled myself when I looked in the mirror. I looked hideous. I should take a picture and post it on Instagram. “Life married to Pax Ryder”, I could say. “#stupidlyfellforhimagain”
I cleaned up and got dressed in the same clothes I’d worn the day before. I’d just made it back to the bedroom when I heard a knock on the door. I figured it wasn’t Josh, because he lived there and he’d have a key. Plus, I didn’t think his shift was over.
My heart blipped thinking maybe it was Pax looking for me again, but I quashed down that tiny, traitorous kernel of hope. I wouldn’t fall for him again.
“You have some nerve,” Allie said with venom in her voice.
Shocked by her tone, and thinking maybe it was Pax, I peeked out the door of the bedroom. Not Pax. Lily.
“Is Victoria here?” Lily asked.
“Why? You want to dump on her again? I can be just as mama bear with my sister as you are with Pax, although the difference is, she does need to be protected from you. You’ve fooled everyone, haven’t you? Does Wyatt know about you?” Allie said. I had to hand it to her. For being a sweet shy one, she knew how to be a mama bear for me. “After what you did to my sister, you think I’m going to help you hawk your stuff?”
“I’m here to try and make it right.”
“Too little. Too late.”
For a minute, Allie just stared at Lily, and I could see Lily getting more and more uncomfortable. I wondered if I needed to intervene. Lily and Allie were sisters-in-law. I didn’t want to get in the way of their husbands’ relationship or cause strain at family meals.
“Please,” Lily finally said. “I just want to get to the truth.”
“Okay, let’s talk about the truth. Did you tell Pax about the time Victoria stood by you, no questions asked, when you were accused of cheating with Trask? She believed you, Lily. She’s the only one who did.”
Lily flinched.
“When you needed a pregnancy test and couldn’t get it yourself because of media exposure, who bought them and drove hours to get them to you? Who sat with you while you took them and supported you when Wyatt thought you were lying?”
“Allie-”
“Are you having a paternity test? Maybe you should. I mean, when the tabloids find out you’re pregnant and do the math, they could very easily speculate that Trask is your baby’s father-”
Okay, that’s enough. I didn’t want Allie to fully go to the dark side. I’d nearly done that and it had made me sick to my stomach. Allie was a nicer person than me, so I couldn’t have her lose that part of her. Not for me.
“Allie.” I stepped out into the hallway. I looked at Lily and wondered what had happened. “I don’t know what I did to make you think I’d betray you-”
“You stole my brother.” She said it, but she didn’t have a lot of oomph around it. It was almost like she recognized it was a dumb reason.
“But I didn’t. He chose you.” I cocked my head to the side. “Maybe that’s it, huh? When it comes down to it, you two chose each other.”
“Someone needs to warn Wyatt then,” Allie quipped. Allie and I weren’t twins, but we sure thought alike a lot.
“I love Wyatt,” Lily snapped.
“And I loved Pax.” I let out a breath because I knew this would be fruitless. “I’m going to get my things and head home.”
“Wait. Victoria. I...I was wrong. I just...I don’t know what happened. When I think of you two...You’re mine. He’s mine. You’re not each other's, and I know that sound ridiculous.”
“But I’m not yours.” Her word sat like a bitter pill at the back of my throat. “You think I’m your friend because I want to use you. that’s what you said.”
Her face squicked up and she bounced slightly like she was frustrated that she couldn’t find the right words. “I wish I could blame hormones--”
“Hormones make you grumpy, not a hater,” Allie said.
“This isn’t an excuse. I know I was wrong, but you know that growing up, my mom was too busy to really be a mom, and my dad was here. Pax was all I had. Until you. I didn’t want you two together and then cut me out. Or something. I don't’ know, maybe I need counseling. I’ll do it if it would help. You’ve been the best friend to me. Better than I deserve. I know that. I want a chance to prove I can be a good friend too.”
“What about Wyatt?” Allie asked.
“What about him?”
“You said all you had was Pax and Victoria. You didn’t want them together because it would leave you out. You don’t seem to mind leaving them out to be with Wyatt.” Allie had a point, but it didn’t matter. She’d betrayed me just as much, maybe even more since we’d been so close for so long. I didn’t want that in my life.
“It doesn’t make sense, I know.” Lily looked at me with pleading eyes.
“Then how do you know you wouldn’t go bonkers again,” Allie continued to push.
“Allie. It’s okay. I appreciate your coming by and apologizing, but you’re right I deserve better. I wish you and Wyatt all the best--”
“Don’t Victoria. Let me make this right.”
“And I know you and he will be so ha
ppy with your baby. Now, I’m going home.”
I went to the guest room, pulled my purse together, and when I’d heard Lily leave, I exited, said goodbye to Allie with a long hug, and then drove back to Los Angeles. I had two hours to purge both Pax and Lily from my life.
Chapter 24: Undeserving
Pax
I’d always thought I was a decent person. I wasn’t one of those rock stars that got drunk and tore up hotel rooms. I didn’t fuck all the groupie women. I played music for charity events. But the truth was, I was an asshole. At least where Victoria was concerned, and I truly couldn’t figure out why I’d completely blown up the one relationship that I’d desperately wanted.
“Do you suppose you’ll shower today?” My mother’s voice came from the kitchen area where she held a mug of coffee. I sat at the window overlooking the ocean with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey where I’d pretty much parked myself when I arrived here several days ago when Victoria, rightly, sent me packing.
I wanted to blame Lily for all this but it was my fault. Still, I ignored all of her calls.
My mother sighed. “Have you just started drinking today or have you not finished from when you got here two days ago?”
Perhaps I would become a cliché rockstar after all, drinking my life away.
She came over and sat in a chair next to me. For a moment she said nothing. “When your father and I broke up, it took me two weeks before I could even pretend to act normal. Heartache is a bitch.”
If I felt like this, I could only imagine how Victoria felt. The fact that I’d made her feel this sort of pain increased my guilt. I took a swig of my whiskey to try to burn it away.
“Do you think I’m incapable of love?” I asked.
“What?” My mother’s voice seemed truly shocked at the question. “No, Pax. Of course not. I think of all of us, you’re the most loving.”
I glanced at her with a ‘don’t lie to me’ look.
“I’m not just saying that because I’m your mom. I believe it. But I also think that you’re careful and not one to easily let someone in. I suppose that’s my and your dad’s fault.”
I turned to look back over the water. So many times over the last couple of days, I wished a tsunami would roll in and suck me out to sea.
