by Ella Grey
“But you don’t really have to be involved. You can still be a good friend, you still are a good friend.”
Leah nodded and looked away, although she still wasn’t quite sure how to get her feelings across without sounding silly. “It’s just … oh, I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, and after all this time, it’s not as though I can do anything about it but –”
“But?” Olivia waited patiently for her to continue.
Leah grimaced. “At Amanda’s tonight, I don’t think it was just the comments that bothered me.”
“Go on.”
“I mean, the talk about how motherhood ‘completes’ you drives me up the wall of course. But then, there’s the basic pregnancy stuff that Kate is excited about, and I can’t join in. I feel like such an idiot when I try to, because obviously I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about and then …” She paused and looked directly at Olivia. “I suppose it might be getting to me a little now that I won’t be able to join in – ever.”
Olivia reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I wondered if it might be that, but I didn’t want to say anything. You’ve always been so … decisive about it.”
“I’m … I think I’m a little jealous, actually,” Leah blurted. There, she had finally admitted it. She saw Olivia give her an encouraging smile. “I swore that it wouldn’t matter. After all, my business is my baby as such, and I have other fish to fry. So, it didn’t matter – not at the time – but now, when it seems that I’m the only one of the old gang not settling down and having babies, I’m not so sure. I think that’s what made me so tetchy tonight. I’m feeling … left out.”
“Hey, I can completely understand that. You were bound to feel that way at some stage and now with Kate, one of your closest friends, going down that road, plus being forced into a roomful of blissfully pregnant women tonight, it’s inevitable that you’d question things. But having doubts about your own decisions doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re wrong. You had to make some tough choices and it’s only natural that sometimes you’d question them. I’m sure Josh, in his quiet moments – if he has them, that is – would possibly question them too.”
“It’s a little too late for that now though, isn’t it?” Leah said sadly.
Olivia squeezed her hand again. “I suppose so.”
20
Despite her friend’s protestations that the decision not to have kids didn’t bother her, Olivia had always wondered.
She wondered if some day the time might come when Leah would regret her decision, and the fact that she had to choose.
She remembered how, when Josh and Leah started going out first; Josh had blown them all away and seemed almost too good to be true. They’d all got on like a house on fire and he obviously adored Leah. Yet, only a few months into their almost fairytale relationship, Josh had dropped the bombshell.
Leah hadn’t been in a serious relationship for some time, so it wasn’t as if the subject was foremost in her mind, but one evening Josh took her out to dinner and told her that he loved her very much, that he could easily see himself spending the rest of his life with her, but that he didn’t – couldn’t – ever see himself wanting children.
Leah had laughed at the time, thinking he was joking, wondering why on earth he had even begun such a stupid conversation. She’d recited it word for word to Olivia afterwards.
“I’ve had some … problems in other relationships,” he’d said. “And I just wanted to come clean and let you know exactly how I feel about it before we go any further.”
By his face, Leah had known that this was no joke: Josh was deadly serious. His face was solemn, his clear blue eyes thoughtful as he tried to explain his feelings.
“It’s something I’ve known for a long time – something I’ve always known, actually. I like babies and kids and I love my nephews and my little niece, but I also know for certain that I don’t want a kid of my own.”
“But how can you possibly make a decision like that at this stage? You never know, you might feel differently in a few years’ time.”
Josh shook his head. “I’m not getting at you in particular, but why do people always assume that you don’t know your own feelings about something like this – that you might change your mind? From as young as seventeen we’re all expected to make decisions as to what university we’ll go to, or what career we’d like. If you can be trusted to make a life-affecting decision like that at such a young age, then why not this?”
“Yes, but that’s completely different, you could easily change your mind and –”
“Leah, I won’t,” Josh took her hand and looked deep into her eyes. “I’ve had plenty conversation like this with various women over years.” He smiled when Leah raised an eyebrow. “I know how that sounds too. But this is the reason. I care about you a lot, I think we could have a future together, so I think it’s only fair that you should know everything about me, so that you can make an informed decision.”
“Decision?”
“Yes. Because if you keep going out with me, thinking that maybe my feelings will change, then you’ll be kidding yourself from the word go, so there’s little point in our going any further with this. I won’t change my mind, believe me.”
Leah breathed deeply. “You’re really serious, aren’t you?” she asked. “But why?”
He shrugged. “I don’t really think there is a reason as such. Cowardice could be one of them. Another is the fact that I enjoy my life and I enjoy my lifestyle. I’ve never had any great desire to repopulate the universe. I don’t buy into the fact that’s it something we all ‘have to do’.”
“And what about your parents – your own upbringing?” Josh’s dad had worked hard at building up his business and as a result he now owned one of the most successful DIY chains in the country. Leah knew that the two didn’t exactly see eye to eye at the best of times, but still that didn’t really give Josh enough justification to never want a child of his own.
“OK I hate this psychology stuff, and I suppose if you think deeply enough about it, you could say that all of this stems from my background. You know I’m adopted, and that me and my adoptive dad don’t have a terrific relationship. But, Leah, I honestly don’t think that’s it, I don’t think that I’m trying not to repeat the ‘sins of the fathers’ or anything else like that. I’m just making a lifestyle choice, in the same way that some people become vegetarian. Surely I’m entitled to do that without having to justify it?”
“Well, I don’t know if it’s quite the same as vegetarianism,” Leah said with a grin, “but I suppose you are entitled to make your own choices.”
“Exactly.”
Josh said nothing more for a moment and Leah thought about what he had said earlier.
“So, some of your previous relationships haven’t gone well as a result of this?” she asked.
Josh gave a wry smile. “That’s putting it mildly. My last girlfriend Sharon, knew about my feelings on this right from the beginning. So, she accepted it from the outset but I suppose much like yourself, she thought that maybe over time I’d change my mind.” His eyes fixed on Leah’s. “But I didn’t and I haven’t, and I can’t see myself changing my mind – not over time, not now, not ever. I’m certain of that.”
“I see.”
“So what I’m asking you to do is go away for a while and think about it. Think seriously about whether or not it is enough for you just to have me in your life, or whether you want something more.”
“That’s not an easy decision to make, though. I mean, I don’t know where we’re going. I care about you too, but we haven’t been together all that long and …” She trailed off.
“I know that. But I’m mad about you, Leah, more than I’ve been about anyone in a long, long, time. We have a great laugh together, we like the same things, you’re strong, independent, you know your own mind, you don’t take shit from anyone …”
She laughed. “Glad you realise it!”
He reached for
her hand across the table. “Seriously though, this is important. If I had some sort of medical issue or something I would have to tell you straight away. This isn’t a medical problem – as far as I’m concerned it isn’t a problem at all – but it is something that will affect you and your future. If you’re the kind of person that can live with that, well and good, but if you find you can’t, well … I wouldn’t like to hold you back.”
“So what happened, the last time, with that girl? Did she try and change your mind?”
“Not exactly. For the most part Sharon accepted it and we were fine for a long time. Towards the end though, occasionally I would spot her looking lovingly at a cute child in the street, or she’d been watching some sentimental TV show about childless couples or something and then I could almost read what was going through her mind. We were together nearly three years when she decided she couldn’t take it any more. It was as though she hadn’t really thought about it when we got together first – after all we were very young, but then when one of her friends had a baby and she realised she couldn’t ever have one of her own –”
“She realised she couldn’t make that sacrifice,” Leah finished. Josh nodded and she took a drink from her glass.
“So you’ll have a think about it then?” he asked. “A good think about it too – don’t be afraid to get another point of view or discuss it with your friends or anything like that. Don’t worry about breaking my confidence, Leah, because as far as I’m concerned I’ve nothing to hide, and I stand by my decision.”
She nodded. “OK, thanks for being honest with me. And I promise that if I choose to go along with your decision, I’ll be faithful to it. I won’t change my mind. If I decide to respect your choice, then it’ll be my choice too.”
But looking at Leah now, confused and upset once again after having to justify that choice to others, Olivia wondered if her friend’s words to Josh still held true.
21
The following weekend was hot and sticky and Robin cursed the fact that the air-conditioning unit really picked its moments to give up and stop working.
She wasn’t long home from work, the summer heat was putting her in bad form, and she debated whether to make dinner or just phone Luigi’s for a pizza.
There was little point in cooking for herself when yet again Ben was working a late night. Last week and the week before, if he wasn’t working late in the evenings, he was spending extra time at the office doing the American equivalent of a ‘nixer’ in the office.
Robin thought he was taking a chance, as the management of Grafix Solutions would not be impressed to learn that a senior staff member was using company equipment and resources outside of normal working hours.
But Ben was determined to complete whatever project he was working on, irrespective of Robin’s warnings, or indeed complaints. They had been a bit cagey around one another since ‘that’ conversation.
Since then, things had been a bit tense, and Ben had said nothing more about looking for another house. The one they’d gone to see in Bronxville had been snapped up before they’d even had a chance to bid on it. Lately, he was being decidedly cool with her and as he was normally so happy and carefree, Robin didn’t know what to make of it.
To make it worse, they’d visited Sarah and Kirsty in New Jersey the previous weekend and while Robin was playing with Kirsty in the living-room and telling her silly made-up stories, she overheard Sarah commenting to Ben in the other room about what a wonderful mum she would make. Ben had said nothing and quickly changed the subject.
Now, her head snapped up as she heard the phone ring. It had to be Ben, on his way home and asking if she wanted him to bring anything for dinner. Robin raced to answer it.
But the caller wasn’t Ben.
“Hey stranger!” Leah’s sunny tones bounced down the line “How are you?”
“Leah –hi! What time is it over there?” A pointless question, Robin knew, but one she instinctively asked, just so she could picture her friend’s surroundings and get an idea of what she might be doing.
“About eleven – Josh is out, and I’m here on the couch, stuffing my face with Pringles and watching a Sex and the City rerun, so obviously I thought of you and how I haven’t been talking to you in about …oh, I’d say it’s nearly two months now. Did you get my message from before?”
Robin felt guilty. She did get Leah’s message – weeks ago – but in truth had completely forgotten to call her back. “I’m sorry – things have been manic.”
“I can only imagine,” Leah said dryly. “All the shopping, and the movies, and the theatre and all that …”
“Hey, it’s not quite like it is on the TV shows, you know,” Robin laughed, “We do actually do the odd day’s work here too.”
“Don’t ruin all the glamour for me,” Leah scolded. “But seriously, how are things? You and that fine Irishman still going strong? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Robin Matthews – I really don’t know how you manage it. Probably the only decent single man left in the country and you have to nab him.”
“Ah, he wasn’t in the country at the time,” she chuckled. “And he’s great – working late.”
“Working late in that sense? That doesn’t sound like Ben.”
“No, working late in the actual sense,” Robin said, feeling a bit foolish for allowing Leah to plant a previously un-thought-of idea into her brain. Not that she would be malicious, but now that Robin thought of it, what else would her friend say to something like that?
There wasn’t a chance that Ben would … was there? Robin shook her head, and resolved not to think about it.
“So how’s everything with you?” she asked, changing the subject.
“Great, we’re all fine. Did you get those photos I sent you of Andrew’s wedding, by the way?”
“Yes, she looked amazing.” Typically, Amanda looked every inch the radiant bride on the day and she and Andrew looked very happy together. Robin had been invited to the ceremony but she couldn’t get the time off work. At least, that was her excuse. “You looked stunning too – and I loved Olivia’s dress.”
“Yeah, she’s looking great, isn’t she?”
“So are you?” Robin continued. “Josh is still as gorgeous as ever. How are things going with you two?”
“Fine.”
Immediately, Robin sensed a slight hesitation in her voice. She knew, of course about Josh’s kids thing and wondered if Leah was having second thoughts. Her friend had always insisted that she’d love a family, but then had settled for having the man of her dreams instead. Josh seemed lovely and she hoped he and Leah were OK.
Weird, Robin thought, that she was going through a similar situation at the moment, although in her case she was being the reticent one.
But when Leah explained all about Andrew’s involvement in her business, and that Josh seemed a bit put out about that, and the fact that she would have to work around the clock to get the store open, Robin realised she’d been wrong.
“So, do you the rest of you see much of one another these days, what with Kate pregnant and Olivia busy with her little girl …” she trailed off, wondering if the others were still as close as they had been all throughout college.
She was no longer part of that ‘gang’, no longer a paid-up member of the close-knit group after that last summer together. Leah kept her updated but Robin now felt very much detached from them all.
They were once as close as a group of friends could be, but now over time, distance and circumstance, the once-formidable strength of the friendship had been irrevocably fractured.
“Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you,” Leah cried then, and Robin could almost picture her large dark eyes widening in anticipation.
“What?”
“You won’t believe it, but Amanda is bloody pregnant too.”
“Wow! Is she thrilled?”
“Well, of course, she is,” Leah replied. “Sure, won’t all the attention be on her and you
know our Amanda – she’ll only be too happy to lap it up.” She giggled. “You should see her, Robin – she’s so funny. Barely a few months gone and she’s walking around, supporting her back and waddling away like she’s carrying a sack of potatoes. I’m telling you, she’ll milk this for all it’s worth.”
Robin burst out laughing, recalling how little patience Leah had for Amanda’s theatrics. She could imagine Amanda doing just that too, not to mention bending the ear off everyone she knew about how ‘dreadfully wearying’ it was being pregnant.
Despite her airs and graces, or even more so because of them, Amanda’s antics could be hilarious. Robin could afford to be more gracious about how the girl had treated her in college, now that she was thousands of miles away.
“Tell her I said congratulations,” she said. “And say hello to Kate.” She paused slightly before adding, “And tell Olivia I was asking for her too, of course.”
“Don’t you have her number? I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.”
“Oh, I’m sure I have,” Robin said quickly. “I must give her a bell sometime.”
“Do. She often asks about you and I know she’d love to hear how you’re getting on.”
Robin bit her lip. “You should come over some time,” she said, trying to keep her voice light. “Here I mean. You’d really enjoy the city and I haven’t seen you in so long –”
“But when are you coming back here?” countered Leah. “It’s been years now. I know your parents have visited, but don’t you miss home at all? Don’t you miss us? We hardly know what’s going on with you these days.”
“There’s nothing much going on at all,” Robin said, laughing nervously. “I’m sure your own life is a lot more interesting. As I said, Ben and I are working hard at the moment, and that’s about it.”
“Just try and keep in touch more often, OK? You might not miss us, but we miss you, me in particular.”
Robin was touched. “Thanks. And believe me I do miss you, but I have a life here now and this is my home.”
