by Saylor Bliss
Let your light shine, baby.
Always & Forever,
Mom
Lucas is standing inside the door staring at me, his bright, soulful brown eyes locked on mine when I lift my head from the tearstained letter in my lap. Everything hits me all at once. I love this man. I love him with every fiber of my being. I love him so much it terrifies me. This is the type of love that destroys everything else in its path, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve already allowed it to consume me, and now . . . now I need out.
“I just . . . I just can't do this. I'm so sorry, but this is not me. You deserve someone so much better than me. I am a ball of messiness. I can't even get my own shit together. I refuse to drag you down with me in this chaos I call life.”
He stares at me for a minute while processing my words. I know I just hit him with a load of shit all at once, but I know if I don't do this now, then I'll never do this. I'll continue on through my life leaning on everyone around me for support and never truly becoming the person I know I am. I feel her buried somewhere deep inside of me, waiting until I'm ready for her to come out. It’s sad that it took the death of my mother for me to reach this point in my life, the point where I’m ready to be better. I have no doubt the road ahead of me is going to be HELL, but I’m ready.
“Charlee, what are you talking about? Don't do this. I know you're hurting, but don't push me away. Let me be there for you. Let me help you. I love you, Charlee. I fucking love you.”
“I can't. I thought I could love you. I thought I could make this work, but the truth is, I can't. I am selfish. I am needy, and I have so many issues that most days, I can't even find the light. I wanted to be the girl who made you happy, the one who you couldn't wait to get home to and tell all about your day. I wanted to be the girl who you shared your life with, but I am not that girl. I can't be.”
I see the moment my words hit him and the way he turns his head and tries to hide the fact that I just broke his heart in two. I hate myself for doing this to him, but it can't be helped. If he loves me, truly loves me, then he will give me this time to find myself. I don't expect him to put his life on hold while he waits for me—the opposite, really. I want him to go and find the path his life is supposed to be on and set me free to do the same thing.
“You can't love me? Or you don't want to?” I hear the anger creeping into his voice now, and it breaks my heart even more, but anger is good. It’s better than pain.
“Both. I just . . . I don't want this. Okay? Please, Lucas. Just let me go.”
Even if I wanted to try to make this thing between us work, I can't. I have to get through this on my own and find myself. I need to be able to say that I am whole. If I stay with him right now, I know he will make me feel better. He will hold me and console me through all of this, but I'll just be using him as a crutch. He will become my barrier against all the things in my life that could hurt me when we should be partners in this together. He should want to stand by my side and hold me when I am not strong enough to stand, but I need him to give me the strength to stand up and fight my own battles, not just hold me while they rage around me. That is why I must walk away.
“Goodbye, Lucas.”
The door closes softly behind me, finalizing my decision. I stand there for a moment, letting the reality of what I just did wash over me. It hits me suddenly, and I reach for the doorknob, ready to snatch it back open and apologize for everything I just said, but I can't. My breath hitches as the first tears fall from my lids. I swipe them away and take a step back, then another and another until I am out the front door and locking Everly’s base into the backseat of my car.
I can't see to drive now. The tears are falling so fast. I hiccup loudly and then choke on the sob that is forcing its way out of my chest. I scream into the silence of my car, beating my hands against the steering wheel until I can no longer feel them, and then I draw a deep breath and start the engine. I can't keep sitting here, otherwise he will walk out and find me, and right now, I am too weak to deny him if he tries to pull me into his arms.
Wiping my eyes one more time, I put the car in reverse and head home. I don't know what tomorrow will hold or how I will even make it through tonight, but I know one thing for sure. I won't shove the pain down. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt. I want to feel it all. For the first time since I was ten years old, I am going to allow the pain to infect me. I let it flow over me and consume me, reminding me that it was all real. And then, slowly, I will move through it. I know it’s going to take time and a lot of work, but I refuse to slip back into the dark, lonely abyss again.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Lucas
I follow her.
There is no way in hell I’m letting her go. I know she is hurting and she thinks she needs space, but I have been there when the grief is swallowing you whole and you don’t know how to deal with it. I know how it feels to just want to get away and not know how.
I can help her.
I will.
She turns off the interstate, and after three more miles, I realize we are headed straight to the airport. She’s planning to get on a plane and leave town for good. My heart breaks.
Not just for us and the fact that she is so willing to leave, but for her and the amount of pain I know she must be feeling right now.
She pulls into the parking garage and I park next to her, jumping out before she has a chance to pull Everly from the backseat.
“I can’t let you go, Charlee.”
“Lucas, what the fuck are you doing? I’m leaving, and I need to you let me go. I told you I’m done. I don’t want you. I don’t want us. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over now and I’m done.”
“No. Fuck that, Charlee. I refuse to let you run away from me. I refuse to let you bury this pain and hide behind anger. I don’t care if you get angry at me. I don’t care if you hate me. Anything is better than shoving it down inside of yourself and pretending it doesn’t exist. It does. And sometimes it fucking hurts. Life fucking hurts. I get that now. You showed me that.
I love you. I love you, and I love that beautiful little girl in there more than anything else in this world, and I want to spend every day of the rest of my life showing you how much I love you, but I need you to want this too.” I pour my heart out her, tears freely falling from my eyes. I don’t care. I need her to see how much I need her.
“I need you to fight for us.”
“Fight for this family and the future we can have together, baby.”
“Please,” I beg. “Je t'aime. Je t'aime, bébé.”
“That’s not fair. You can’t break out the French on me. You know I can’t resist that,” she says, reaching for me. I pull her close and vow in that moment to never let her go. I don’t care what obstacles we may face in the future. We will face them together.
Epilogue
Lucas
Two years later.
She finally said yes. Even after I asked her a dozen times, she wanted to wait until she started her photography career and built a client base. Secretly, I’m so fucking proud of her I can’t stand myself. She had a dream, and she did everything it took to make sure she followed it.
The music starts playing, and my little girl skips down the aisle carrying the soft white pillow with our rings tied to the middle. Following behind her is Ashlin, the maid of honor, and Aaron is my best man. Before I know it, the matrimonial chords are playing and my bride is gliding down the aisle with effortless grace. My heart jumps in my chest when I catch my first sight of her. She looks like an angel, walking with her father by her side. I fight every instinct to rush to her and gather her in my arms where she belongs.
“My God, you are beautiful,” I whisper to her when her father rests her hand in mine. Her cheeks blush a bright pink color that she tries to hide with the waves of curling locks cascading around her face. I refuse to let her ever hide from me again. She is perfect just the way she is. We still have our bad days.
Both of
us.
There are still days where it’s a struggle for me to get up and get out of bed. Having her and Everly in my life didn’t erase the pain of my past, but they did dull it, and their constant presence gives me the strength I need to go on. We are there for each other. Every day.
Forever.
The minister finishes his long awaited duties, and I finally hear the words I’ve longed to hear.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Dipping her back, I capture her lips with mine, sealing the deal. Sparks erupt between us. I want to lift her in my arms and carry her away right this second, but the constant tugging on my pant leg reminds me that I can’t do that just yet. Releasing my beautiful bride, I look down into the sparkling gray eyes of my daughter.
“Can I give Mommy a kiss too, Daddy?”
“You sure can, Princess,” I say, lifting her in my arms and passing her to her mommy. Her chubby little arms wrap tight around her neck before she plants her precious lips against hers.
“I wub you, Mommy”
“I love you too, baby.”
The End.
Acknowledgments
This is my favorite part of the book, the part where I get to give my thanks to everyone who touched me along my journey. So without further ado . . .
Jess, I couldn’t imagine where I would be right now without you. Your encouragement and support have no bounds, and I will forever be grateful!
Amy, girl . . . you know you had to make in here. As the bona fide bestie, it is your right! So thank ya, Sista, for all the midnight phone calls and the endless talks about absolutely nothing! Hah!
Sabrina, chick, you deserve so much more than a comment in the back of a book. This book wouldn’t be where it is without you and all your help. Thank you so much!
Val, my sweet, kitty-loving editor, thank you for chatting with me when my brain wouldn’t shut off and for catching all the many, many, many past/present tense mistakes. I really am trying to do better.
Finally, I need to thank Prism Heart Press for taking a chance on me and helping make my dreams of becoming a full-time writer come true. I look forward to many more years of annoying you with my countless crazy ideas.
About The Author
By day, I am known as Mommy, Wifey, Sister, Bestie. I live off Starbucks and Panera Bread.
I am addicted to both.
I am not ashamed.
They fuel my soul and my body so that by night I can become the person I want to be. Author.
Writer.
Story Builder.
World Creator.
I live moment to moment in this crazy fast world and I cherish every single second of it like it is my last. I wake before the sun comes up every day and enjoy the sound of coffee trickling into the pot as the kids snooze on blissfully unaware until the brilliant sun shines across the horizon lighting my soul ablaze. I love brightness. It consumes me.
You can like her on Facebook here.
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