Tears sprung to my eyes and my throat felt clogged. “I can’t do this,” I managed to say. Holding my dress over my breasts, I nudged Shoshanna until she moved a knee, and I could stand up.
Once on my feet, I turned toward them, my eyes cast down, unable to look directly at either of them. “I can’t do this,” I said again. “I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”
Before either of them could respond, I rushed into the ensuite, shutting and locking the door behind me. Then, I sank to the ground, wrapped my arms around my knees, and sobbed.
Chapter Fourteen
JC had always been good about giving me space when I needed it, but only for so long. He’d be knocking on the door sooner rather than later. So I only allowed myself a brief cry before I picked myself off my feet and tried to repair the damage the breakdown had done to my make-up.
About ten minutes later, I heard his gentle rap. “Gwen, baby?”
There was no question or request. Just my name and the endearment, and I was sure he was probably as confounded about what to do with me as I was.
I wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I needed to get out of there.
Forcing the fakest smile I’d ever worn, I pushed the door open. The door to the hall was still closed, but JC was the only one in the room. I saw enough of him in my periphery to know he was once again fully clothed, which was good because it meant we could be gone quickly. What he was thinking or feeling was a mystery, however, since I refused to look at him directly.
“Can we go?” I asked, fussing unnecessarily with the buttons on the front of my dress.
“Of course. But, Gwen, should we talk?”
I’d started heading toward the door as soon as he’d said we could leave, so my back was to him when I said, “Not here.”
My palm closed around the knob, but just as I started to open it, his hand landed flat on the oak of the door and pushed it closed. “Hold on a sec.”
“JC, I said I don’t want―” I jerked at the shock of his fingertips at the back of my neck. Immediately, I felt ashamed when I realized he was simply fastening the button in the back.
“Just wanted to make sure you were put together,” he said softly. His fingers lingered, and the hot exhalation of his breath told me he was standing closer than I’d realized.
It took all my will not to melt into him. I felt like shit and wanted his comfort.
I also wasn’t sure I deserved it.
So I steeled myself and stayed stick straight, my shoulders stiff. “Thanks,” I mumbled, opening the door. Just. Had. To. Get. Out.
I walked at a clipped speed, my head down so as not to make accidental eye contact with anyone. I couldn’t deal with human interaction. Even the innocent brush of a shoulder as I slipped past a body on the stairs made my stomach tighten. I didn’t even want to imagine how I’d react if I bumped into Shoshanna.
God, I’d die of humiliation if I saw her.
The thought made me hurry even faster.
At the bottom of the stairs, JC caught up with me. I only knew because I felt his reassuring hand at the small of my back, a pressure I could recognize with my eyes closed.
“Go ahead and go. I’ll take care of getting our things.” He’d spoken too quietly for me to detect the underlying tone. The gesture was thoughtful, but maybe he was as embarrassed about my behavior as I was and wanted me out of sight.
Whichever it was, I was grateful. “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” Without waiting for his response, I pushed through the crowded foyer and escaped to the hallway. There were a few people out here as well, people who seemed to be coming instead of going. Luckily the elevator was only a few short yards away, and, when the doors closed, I was the only one inside.
Alone, I blew out a long stream of air and hugged myself around my waist. There was a lot I needed to think about, a whole hell of a lot to examine, but if I did it now, I’d fall apart. I concentrated on watching the numbers change as the floors passed.
Eighteen, seventeen, sixteen.
Did people know what happened?
Don’t think about it. Twelve, eleven, ten, nine.
Was JC super mad at me? Did I just ruin my marriage?
A new sob caught in my throat.
One.
The doors opened, and I felt another rush of relief that there wasn’t anyone in the lobby besides the doorman, who was too busy playing with his phone to notice me. But now I had to wait for my husband and I had no phone of my own, no numbers to watch change on a digital screen, and lots of buzzy buzzy noise in my head, begging for attention.
I paced, counting the steps it took to get to the other side of the lobby and back to the elevator. Twenty-seven to get to the outside doors. My stride quickened on the way back and it only took twenty-four. Back to the outside doors was twenty-five.
Just as I pivoted to make my return, the elevator doors opened, and there was JC, looking as sharp and handsome as ever, his expression tight, his hair a mess from...well, probably from someone running their fingers through it. Had it been him? Had it been me?
Fuck, had it been Shoshanna?
I was too wrapped up in the answer to remember to bow my head, and our eyes caught. His features softened ever so slightly, but his mouth stayed tight. Was that regret? Pity?
I didn’t want to guess almost as much as I didn’t want to know.
My gaze dropped to my feet and stayed there until he’d walked the twenty-seven/twenty-five steps to get to me, then I pushed through the glass door out into the spring night.
Except for when JC offered to give me his jacket, which I declined, we were quiet on the way home. The party had only been located three blocks away from our apartment, so we walked. The sounds of New York City traffic and the clip, clip, clip of my heels on the pavement made the silence feel less tense than if we’d been trapped together in a car, but it wasn’t enough distraction to keep my head occupied.
What had Shoshanna said? She was surely angry. I’d left her with serious blue balls after she’d been so generous to me.
I was a terrible lover.
The Open Door would probably cancel our membership.
Had JC tried to give an explanation for me? What had he said to Shoshanna? Had their parting been awkward? Had he kissed her goodbye?
The knot in my stomach grew so tight I thought I might throw up.
God, what a mess I’d made.
Inside our apartment, I headed straight for our bedroom, wanting to be out of my clothes. Wanting to be out of my skin. JC followed on my heels, and before I could escape into my closet, he snagged my elbow, his grip firm and anchoring.
“Gwen, if you don’t want to talk, can I say some things?”
I ignored the gentle tug inviting me into his arms. “Can I take a shower first? Please?”
He didn’t answer, and he didn’t let me go. I braved myself and lifted my eyes to find he was studying me with concern.
He wasn’t mad at me. Or he wasn’t as mad as he was worried. Of course he wouldn’t be. He loved me. I knew that. I knew that.
It felt good to remind myself of that.
“We’ll talk after,” I said, my voice softer. “I promise.” First, I had to figure out what I was going to say.
He nodded then, his lips twitching like he wanted to bend down and kiss my head but also wanted to respect my boundaries.
Respect won, and he let me go. “I’ll be here if you need me,” he said as I closed the bathroom door on him for the second time that night.
This time, I managed not to sink to the floor, despite my insides feeling like lead. Mechanically, I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my dress, leaving it in a pile where it fell on the marble floor, then I stepped into the walk-in shower, stood under the hot water, and let my brain try to unwind the tangle that I’d made.
The problem was that I hadn’t made a firm decision to break our rule of no sharing before I’d broken it. Alayna had warned me about that.
The problem was that I was selfish and insecure and couldn’t handle my husband touching another woman, no matter how certain I was of his love.
The problem was that I was too consumed with finding the ultimate erotic high when we’d been perfectly happy with what we’d already found.
The problem was that I’d talked to JC but not really. Not as much as I should have. Not specifically about what might happen if we invited someone else into our bed. Not about whether or not it was something we both wanted. I’d made the decision on my own, and that wasn’t how we worked best. We worked best together.
Oh, yeah. That was it. That last one.
I shook my head at myself, wondering how I could possibly need to learn this lesson again so late in our relationship. It was something I’d thought we’d sorted out and had a firm handle on years ago, when JC had tried to make important decisions about what was best for us without my input and had almost forced me to announce to everyone at our wedding that he hadn’t shown.
He had shown up in the end, with apologies and promises and so much love I couldn’t stay mad for long. I’d reamed him thoroughly, though. And I’d made him vow to never think he could do better alone than we could together again.
He’d spent all the years since making it up to me, and I’d spent just as long reminding him about it, even though we’d long since passed being even.
Now, here I’d done the same exact thing.
Some adult I was.
Well, I could be an adult about it now. This was fixable, and afterward I’d be back in JC’s arms where I belonged.
Suddenly, that was where I wanted to be more than anything.
I hurried through the act of washing my hair and scrubbing clean, and when I was out of the shower, a towel wrapped around me and another around my hair, I skipped my moisturizing routine and padded out to find my husband.
I didn’t have to look far. He was in the bedroom, right where he’d said he’d be, in case I needed anything. He’d changed out of his suit and donned a pair of navy pajama bottoms and was now sitting on top of the bed covers, reading his iPad, the side table lamp the only light on.
He looked up at me as soon as I emerged from the bathroom, and as I started toward him, he set his tablet down, giving me all his attention.
When I reached him, I sank down on my knees on the floor beside him and took one of his hands in mine. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“Oh, baby.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb. “I don’t need an apology. I need to know what’s going on inside that head of yours.”
“You don’t even know what I’m sorry for.”
He looked for a moment like he’d continue his reassurances of no apology necessary, but then, with a sigh, he said, “Fine. Tell me.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you what’s going on inside this head of mine.”
He laughed, his dimples lighting up his entire face. Then he reached his hand out to pull me up on the bed with him. “Come here.”
I came, curling into the crook of his arm where I fit so perfectly. “I wasn’t sure I was into it,” I said, not sure where to start so starting somewhere completely random. “I’d thought about the possibility a lot over the last few months. It had never been something I’d been particularly drawn to, but I really liked the way you reacted when I kissed that girl at the kissing booth.”
“By it you mean a threesome?”
“Yeah, yeah. A threesome.” The word seemed ridiculous when I said it out loud. Like, why the hell did I ever think I’d want that?
I shook my head. “I guess, in a way, I felt like I was the one getting at all of those parties, and you were the one giving. It was my kink to be watched. I pulled you into that without ever asking, and you’d been so generous to go along.”
“Uh, you think I was just going along because I’m nice?”
I put my hand up to silence him. “Okay, I knew you liked it too, but let me finish. It was still my kink, and as I started studying your reactions to me kissing another woman and the idea of girl-on-girl, I realized that must be your kink. And I wanted to give you your kink more than I wanted to figure out whether or not it was something I was really okay with going along with. Obviously, I wasn’t in the end. When I watched the two of you kissing…” My stomach curled, remembering. I shook the image off. “The idea seemed hot, but the actual doing was...not the same. I’m sorry for that too. For starting something I couldn’t finish, and for not being able to meet your needs the way you met mine, but mostly for not talking to you about any of this to begin with.”
“Gwen?” He brought my chin up to meet his gaze with two fingers, sending the towel that was precariously piled on my head off balance. Wet strands of hair fell down around my face as I gave him my complete attention. “Are you listening to me right now? Because I need you to really be listening.”
“Yes. I’m listening.” My heart tripped in anticipation of whatever Very Important Thing he was about to tell me.
“I don’t care about having a threesome. That’s not my kink. My kink isn’t girl-on-girl, either, though I don’t think there’s a straight man alive who doesn’t think that’s fucking hot, so any hard-ons I get from that are just the nature of me being a guy. You want to know what my kink is?”
“What?”
“My kink is you.” He let that sink in before going on. “My kink is whatever turns you on. Whatever gives you pleasure. My kink is being there when your eyes go hazy and your breath stutters and your toes curl and your cheeks pink. Whatever it is that brings that to you, I’m into it.”
“Really?” I blinked back tears.
“Yes, really.” He thought for a second. “I mean, I’d prefer not to test how far I could go with that because I don’t think I could whip you or hit you or ride you like a horse, and I definitely couldn’t stand another man touching you, which probably makes me a selfish pig, but that’s who I am. You’re mine, and I’m not sharing.”
“That was exactly how I felt about you kissing Shoshanna. I wanted to be turned on by seeing you get some, but all I could think was, he’s mine, bitch. Hands off.”
He chuckled. As his smile faded, he traced the line of my jaw. “Actually, that’s kind of hot. I like being yours. I like being only yours.”
“Me too.” I turned my face to catch his finger between my lips and sucked on it, watching as his eyes grew dark. “Although…” I let his finger fall from my mouth.
“Yes?”
“It was really hot when you both played with my nipples at once.” My pussy clenched at the memory.
“Fuck, that was wicked hot.” He nearly growled.
“And I loved being kissed by you while she did that crazy stuff to my clit.”
“I almost came in my pants when you did. You were so beautiful.”
“I tried to imagine what it would feel like if she was going down on me without my dress in the way. And with your cock in my mouth instead of your tongue.”
His hand returned to my cheek, this time caressing it with his knuckles. “Is that what you want, baby? Is that what would bring you pleasure? We could have a rule that the only person I touch is you.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head for emphasis. “It was fun, but I don’t want to do that again. I like being watched, but I don’t want to involve anyone else again, if that’s all right.”
“Totally all right.”
“But that doesn’t mean we can’t fantasize about it.”
His smile crept slowly over his lips. “In that case, you stroke my cock instead of suck it. So I can watch her head moving between your thighs and see you come.”
“Oh, of course. A much better scenario.”
His hand worked the towel around my torso loose. We both knew where this was going, and I wasn’t going to protest in the least.
“Or,” I said, “You sit like you are now.” Naked, I nudged his legs apart so I could kneel between them. Bending over, I nipped softly at his erection through his pjs but left my but
t up in the air behind me. “And she’s going down on me from behind.”
He reached a long arm around to play with my pussy from that direction. “Like this?”
“Mm hm.” I worked his pants down far enough to expose his beautiful cock.
“Is this her tongue playing with your clit?” He used the pad of his finger to tickle the sensitive bud.
“Mm hm.” This time his cock was in my mouth and the sound reverberated around it, causing it to thicken. God, that made me wet.
“Now her tongue is rimming your pussy.” He traced my hole. “You love it when she sticks it inside too, don’t you?”
I didn’t say anything coherent after that. JC continued to describe naughty images for a while, but his phrases grew shorter until they were just dirty words. Then there were the I love you’s, murmured reverently in my ear. Tomorrow there would be noise and chaos and melt-downs and baby giggles, but tonight there was this. The kinds of words that reminded us where we started and how it was that we came to get all those other wonderful noises in our lives.
And then there were no words at all, just moans and gasps and the sounds of bodily fluids gushing and skin slapping against skin. All those sorts of sounds that accompanied really good sex.
The sorts of sounds we made best together.
* * * *
Also from Laurelin Paige and 1001 Dark Nights, discover Dirty, Filthy Fix and Falling Under You.
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