Susie’s brain no longer registered Rachael’s words. It was awash with memories. They aren’t mine, she screamed silently. And all that loss and betrayal. Hannah loved Freddie so much, but it hadn’t been enough. She’d lost him. She knew she’d never be good enough for him. But he made her believe him. All his declarations of love, reassurances, promises for the future. But then he betrayed her with Prudence Argylle. It hurt so much. And now George had …
‘It’s why you were obsessed with George Silbury.’ Rachael’s words were just sounds being added to the excruciating blur that was now her head.
‘It’s why you couldn’t help but hurl yourselves into each other’s arms. You have found each other again. You are drawn together like magnets. George has to be with you because you were Hannah. You have to be with …’
Susie’s brain somehow snatched onto those words. George had to be with her because she’d been Hannah.
She made her eyes focus. Rachael was looking at her desperately and with such pain and concern in her eyes. Susie cried out, ‘George has to be with me because —?’
‘Do you see, Suse? Because he was Freddie and you were Hannah. Do you get it? He recognised you as Hannah and …’
She had the answer. She actually had the answer! If she embraced Freddie and Hannah, if she accepted what her body and soul were screaming at her, then she had finally found the answer to that constant, plaguing question: why me? Why would George ever choose me? She didn’t even need to believe Porsche’s assertions. Because she had it. The answer.
He had no choice.
George gave up on ringing the buzzer; nobody was answering. He let Tom, Dick and Harry at the door. It took one unified kick. He bounded up the stairs, letting them do their stuff on the next door. Indicating they remain at the building’s entrance, he made his own way through to the flat.
He hammered on the door refusing to give airtime to Hannah and Freddie, despite their desperate attempts to be heard.
‘Susie!’ he yelled. He tried to rein himself in so he sounded less … psychotic? ‘Susie, sweetheart. Please open the door. I need to put this right. Please …’
The door was unlocked and swung open. Cassie. George gulped. He … he … he … Kathryn? And … and … she’d … she’d killed …
‘Sweet Jesus!’ her words were agonised and snapped him out of wherever the hell he’d just been. He finally focused on her face. Cassie’s haunted face. His sister, Cassie.
‘Not you too!’ she cried frantically, shaking her head. ‘You remember? I promise I’m not bad now. It wasn’t me, it was Kathryn. Please understand …’
George was not going to deal with whatever the hell was going on right now. He was going to sort things with Susie and then … He heard her.
‘I need to go away,’ she sobbed from somewhere inside the flat.
He was immediately through the door and crossing the room. Cassie kept trying to get in front of him and now Rachael was there and … and … A maid? He thought she’d been … The name was just there, but he couldn’t …
He ground to a halt. Scenes were flashing through his brain. Memories? But not his! What the hell was going on?
Susie’s sobs refocused him. The sound of her crying was killing him.
‘Get out of my way. NOW!’ he demanded.
‘You need to listen to us first,’ Cassie pleaded. ‘I’m so sorry. For everything. But you and Susie have found each other again. Even death couldn’t separate you. We’re working to keep you together now, but Mic—’
He didn’t have time for whatever crap Cassie was spouting. ‘Get out of my way, Cassie. Nobody is going to stop me seeing my fiancé when—’
‘Fiancé?’ Cassie gasped, as she rocked on her feet. He instinctively reached out, but she’d steadied herself. ‘Rachael. Did you …?’
‘We’re screwed! Totally screwed,’ Rachael declared with conviction. ‘It’s all playing out!’
George had had more than enough of this. ‘Out of my way or you both get plastered over the door.’
With that they moved aside and he was left with the door.
Susie stood braced against the farthest wall. She heard George out there, but didn’t know how to face him. This was too painful as it was. Because none of it mattered any more. Whether he believed her. Whether he’d betrayed her with Porsche.
He’d only ever been with her because he had to be. He’d been compelled. It wasn’t free will. He would never have chosen her. And she loved him too much to let him throw his life away on some ridiculous link to the past which had only materialised because of Rachael’s insane mumbo-jumbo. Hannah and Freddie be damned.
And there he was in the doorway and she was sobbing again and couldn’t stop. Freddie. He had been Freddie, but, oh God, now he was George and she loved him so much. Her whole being reacted to him. She battled the urge to run into his arms and be held against him and never be let go.
‘Susie, sweetheart,’ he said in a voice brimming with emotion as he closed the distance between them. It was no longer dead and expressionless. It sounded full of love.
She shook her head and her hands went up to stop him. He came to a halt less than a foot away and the distance between them was excruciating.
‘Don’t George,’ she managed to get out. ‘I’m going away. This isn’t right and—’
‘Isn’t right?’ he declared in complete disbelief, shaking his head furiously. ‘You’re NOT going away. You are NOT leaving me. You vowed. We vowed.’
He reached his hand out to touch the side of her face. She wanted the contact so much, to lean her cheek into his palm, but turned her face away instead.
‘I believe you about the photos. I always believed you. It was just seeing them. You should never have seen me like that and I will never forgive myself. And Porsche. It was evil lies, sweetheart. I’m going to sue her to kingdom come. I don’t know what she’s playing at, but clearly needs help. How could I ever be interested in her when I have you?’
He sounded so sincere. But it no longer mattered.
‘Look at me, Susie. Look into my eyes and see I’m telling the truth. I’ve never lied to you and never will.’
She couldn’t. She avoided eye contact. She had to. Looking into them would destroy whatever strength she was attempting to muster. He gently raised her chin while turning her face. His touch zapped that haunting loss and betrayal, but the relief was miniscule. She was losing George for real. Perhaps she knew now how dying might feel?
He moved closer because his breath caressed her face and his scent filled her lungs. ‘Please, baby,’ he begged in a voice so anguished it was impossible to resist. She tried so darned hard too.
And … Oh God. Their eyes connected and everything started slotting into place. The power of those eyes. And she knew he was telling the truth. It was plain as day. It was impossible to deny. But no matter how right this felt, it couldn’t be. She wrenched her eyes away.
‘Do you believe me, sweetheart? Tell me you believe me.’ His mouth hovered just millimetres from her lips.
If she just moved forward a fraction she could experience him one last time. She could surrender to what her whole being craved. But she mustn’t. She raised her hands and pressed them against his chest, forcing herself to push him back. She shook her head. ‘I believe you, George, but us together isn’t right. I’m going to—’
‘Isn’t right?!’ He thought she believed him, so how the hell could not being together be right? There had never ever been anything so right. She had been Hannah. Incredibly, he knew that now … Freddie’s Hannah. But this was Susie. His Susie. He’d never been more certain of anything in his life.
‘I love you, Susie. And you love me. I know it. Tell me you don’t love me. Go on! Tell me!’ And it will kill me Susie. Please don’t.
‘It doesn’t matter!’
she cried. ‘You only think you love me. It’s all to do with Hannah and Freddie, don’t you see? I had them locked away, but they were real, George. Real. ’
Hannah and Freddie. So she was experiencing all this, too. This was doing his head in.
‘You’re only with me because of her. Hannah. You’re not with me because I’m Susie Morris but because of some completely crackpot past that crashed into your life as soon as Rachael got into your head. The two are confused. But I’m going to put it right. I’m going to bow out so you can lead the life you should have been leading before she screwed you up and made you remember something you should never ever have remembered.’
She was talking rubbish and he couldn’t take any more. He closed the gap between them and grasped her shoulders. ‘Hannah you say. Yeah I remember too. And it’s a hell of a lot to take in. But don’t you dare insult me by saying I’m with you because of Hannah!’
Her eyes widened. He’d shocked her with his outburst. Good because he had to shock her out of this terrifying talk. If she thought he was going to let her walk away because they remembered what happened in that room, remembered what … what appeared to have happened in the past, she was insane. Even more insane than he currently felt.
Shaking his head he spoke more gently. ‘I’ve only just remembered. Half an hour ago, Hannah and Freddie meant nothing to me. So explain to me why I’m with you because of Hannah? I fell in love with Susie Morris. You! And how could I not? And I’ve fallen deeper than I ever thought possible. But now I’ve found you, don’t ever think I’m going to let you just walk away. And as for having me lead a different life? I don’t want a life without you. Not because of the past, but because I can no longer live without you. Are you hearing me here?’
He was missing the point. He felt this way about her because of Hannah and because Rachael had …
‘Tell me you don’t love me!’ he demanded again.
She couldn’t do that. And he knew it. But neither could they carry on something where he had no free will and …
‘Are you only with me because of Freddie?’
How could he possibly ask that? Surely he knew how she felt about him, how this was destroying her?
‘When you tell me you love me, is it Freddie you’re speaking to? When you shout at me, is it really at Freddie? When we make love, is it Freddie you’re thinking of and I’m just a body that you can use and—’
‘How could you?’ Susie cried, raising her arms to shrug off his hold on her shoulders and with the intention of pummelling his chest. She found her wrists grasped gently in his hands. How could he possibly ask her that? ‘I love you!’ she cried. ‘You George. You are everything and this is killing me. Freddie was someone Hannah loved, not me! You’ve always been George and—’
‘So, explain to me,’ he interrupted softly, moving closer again. ‘Just why you can love me as George, and I can’t love you as Susie?’ He gently shook her wrists. ‘What is different here? It works both ways. You aren’t making any sense. And I know this must be doing your head in like it is mine, but Hannah and Freddie aren’t us. Me and you are us! Freddie and Hannah were nothing to me when I fell hook, line and sinker for you. I didn’t even know of their existence. So, tell me Susie!’
He was twisting things. And she was getting really confused.
‘Tell me, baby,’ George whispered, freeing her hands to so gently push a lock of hair away from her face.
She shook her head and the tears ran anew. She hadn’t thought of that. She thought she’d found the answer to that question that kept replaying in her head: why me? But if she could love him as George, could he love her as Susie? She wanted to clutch on to it, but it was all so confusing.
‘So you believe me about the photos and Porsche?’
She lamely nodded. She did. She one hundred per cent did and even her head wasn’t doing its betrayal stuff.
‘And you love me as George, not Freddie?’
She bit her lip and nodded again. He was George. Her George.
‘Then what is the matter here? I don’t know about you, sweetheart, but I’m really struggling with all this stuff and could do with a hug. I’m forcing myself not to take you into my arms and never let you go, but I need to know you want to be there. We can get through anything. I know we can. But we can only do that together.’
Susie raised her eyes to meet his and as they locked, he started breathing again. He drew her into his arms, clutching her to him so tightly. He would never let her go.
‘I love you, George,’ she sobbed, wrapping her arms around him, too. ‘So much. It hurts so much. I’m sorry. I got so confused and thought I’d found the answer and then there was Freddie, and Freddie betraying Hannah, and everything Porsche said, and it all got such a mess and—’
‘Ssssshhh,’ he whispered, kissing the top of her head. She loved him. That’s all that mattered here. Whatever else was going on, they’d sort it. Together. Nothing was going to separate them. He had to believe that.
Especially when right now his fear of loss had reached terror status.
He tightened his arms around her. It made no sense. It would appear he now had an answer as to why he’d been haunted by fears of losing Susie. Such pasts couldn’t but haunt. Yet …?
Susie’s hips moved against him and he needed no encouragement. As she pulled his head down his lips crushed hers in a demanding frenzy which she matched. Each and every uncertainty that had threatened them needed to be pounded into oblivion. Every one of his fears needed obliteration. She was his. His.
And he was going to reassure them both.
My darling Angel
No matter what they throw our way, they cannot separate us. Our faith in each other has survived these hurdles and, my sweetest darling Hannah, our love will conquer all.
Your Freddie
Chapter Twenty-Six
‘Have they stopped?’ Cassie asked from the sofa, refusing to remove the cotton wool and earphones from her ears until Rachael nodded and gave the thumbs up.
‘I had no idea.’
‘No idea what?’ Cassie asked, removing the final piece of cotton wool.
‘Susie was a secret screamer.’
‘How could you?’ Cassie cried. ‘I’m screwed up enough as it is without—’
‘Six hours. Non. Stop. I don’t get it. I thought a man needed to recharge after—’
‘Stop! It beggars belief that you can focus on such things with what’s going on right now and knowing what we have to tell them!’
‘It’s because of that I am focusing on such things! It’s got to be the Soul Mate thing. It’s just got to be. I really don’t know it all. It’s logical it carries on into the bedroom, it’s just I had never really considered the details. No wonder I find my connection with Matey so frustrating! I—’
Rachael’s words died and her jaw dropped open. George had emerged from the bedroom. Cassie slammed her eyes shut as tight as they could possibly go. ‘George?’ she managed through her screwed up face. ‘Spare us. Please.’
George cursed, and evidently disappeared, because when Cassie braved opening up her eyes a crack, he was reappearing with jeans on. He sent an apologetic look their way, before heading to the bathroom. Cassie now narrowed her eyes on Rachael. She still sat, jaw hanging. She snapped her fingers in front of her face.
‘I’m a woman,’ Rachael declared, after a single blink of her eyes, ‘and just how else am I meant to react to George Silbury in the—’ She now blinked furiously and turned to Cassie to declare, ‘The stupid thing is he doesn’t hit those parts of me I thought he would. It’s got to be because of Matey, which I must say I find very reassuring. But Flaming Nora, Cassie, I can appreciate what’s before me! He’s stunning! A total work of art. In fact he’s—’
Her words abruptly stopped again as George reappeared.
He glanced their way and hesitated outside the bedroom door. After a quick curse and a hand through his hair, he abandoned the bedroom and strode past them into the kitchen. ‘I need some answers,’ he announced, weighing the kettle in his hand before placing it back on its stand and switching it on. ‘Coffee and answers.’ He turned to face them now, leaning against the worktop, arms crossed over his bare chest. ‘You two are going to tell me everything.’
George took in their uneasy demeanours; in fact Cassie looked ill, but he was not going to be swayed, despite the sense of dread that now sat like a brick in the pit of his stomach. And despite Susie’s no doubt sound advice. Before falling asleep, she’d warned of attempting to get explanations from these two.
But he didn’t have a choice. They definitely knew things he and Susie didn’t. There hadn’t been a hope of his sleeping. His fears were in overdrive … and something felt alarmingly wrong. Incredibly he didn’t think it was the past life stuff, no matter how mind-screwing that was. He and Susie could – would – work through that together. They’d already started. There was something else … And he very much hoped, with the fuller picture, he’d be reassured.
He turned his attention from Cassie, whose look was doing nothing to lessen his concerns, to Rachael.
‘How about you start with that Soul Mate stuff you were spouting when I came out of the bedroom?’ He couldn’t quite believe what he was asking here, but in for a penny in for a pound.
She visibly paled. No wonder with what he’d overheard.
‘Before we move on to … to …’ George knew he was frowning. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. ‘To whatever the hell else is going on here, because there’s something, I just know it.’ He forced himself to look again at his sister. ‘Tell me about the horse …’ George’s voice trailed off. The horse. Unsettled didn’t begin to go there. And Cassie had been avoiding him.
Several minutes later, George slowly smiled. He liked this one. He was so pleased he’d asked about this. So pleased he’d braved talking to them both. This he’d accept. And why couldn’t he? If he was having to believe in past lives, why not Soul Mates?
Romancing the Soul Page 28
