“Ah.” He glanced at the others. “I’ll return shortly, Kirin.”
Kirin glanced at Ell and snorted. “Make it quick.”
Niall led her to the edge of town, not stopping until they were among the huts of the grays. “You didn’t go into the calming pool with the others.”
Ell took several deep breaths, wondering what she could tell him. Best, she thought, to keep her opinions about the shaptis to herself. “You said fini shouldn’t have to go in the pool. Are there places where they don’t?”
“The invaders have proven that.”
Laughter bubbled inside her, and she couldn’t hold it in. “They are not fini!”
“They look like you.”
“They don’t act like us, speak like us. They’re…free.”
He cocked his head. “When Elder Morgan asked about them, you acted as if you didn’t know anything.”
She tried to shrug it away. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“So, you do know how many there were?”
“I didn’t count them.”
“Did they hurt you?”
And if she listed the shaptis who’d hurt her more? “Mostly, they hurt the shaptis and laughed.”
He frowned hard. “They’re brutes.”
True, but she didn’t want to speak about them at the moment. “Do you know others like me, who’ve been away from the pool?”
“Ah.” He opened his mouth, closed it. She wondered if he knew that his emotions were as clear as a summer’s day. “No, but I don’t think that the fini should be mindless, and I’m not the only one.”
Ell fought not to droop. He couldn’t help her. No one could. “Maybe I should give in.”
“No!” He grabbed her shoulders. “Some of the shaptis don’t believe fini are even capable of thought. You could show them how wrong they are.”
She’d only had days of free thought, and she might be smarter than him. “If they wanted us to think for ourselves, do you think they would have created the pools in the first place?”
He held up a finger. “The shaptis didn’t make the pools. The aos sí did, and no one has seen them in a very long time.”
The aos sí, who caused such fear, even in shaptis. “If you tried to make the fini think, wouldn’t the aos sí come back?”
He paused. “Well…”
“Most shaptis don’t want thinking fini.”
His mouth turned down. “How many shaptis could you possibly know?”
She began to list them, trained to never forget a name. After about twenty, he waved for her to stop. She quirked an eyebrow as she’d seen shaptis do. “Would you like to hear what kind of attention they all like?”
“I didn’t realize fini had such wonderful memories.” He didn’t seem pleased, and she wondered if he was thinking of any fini in particular, maybe one whom he’d been less than kind to, though she was certain the fini had never complained.
“Never mind,” he said. “You can be the symbol for those of us who want the fini to think for themselves.”
“Your dead symbol.”
“I wouldn’t let anything happen to you!”
She frowned, very bold, and wondered at the change in herself. “You can’t afford to worry about me when the invaders might come back.”
The air left him. “You’re right. Maybe now isn’t the best time.”
But what other time was there for her? “I can’t stay here. Fini don’t pretend, except when ordered to by a shapti; we weren’t made for it. I can’t keep acting as if I don’t see everything around me.” She took a few deep breaths, fighting tears. If a shapti was to see, even from a distance…
Niall moved to embrace her in the same way she had embraced many weeping shaptis, but she moved out of his reach and flicked her eyes back toward town. “Shaptis do not comfort fini,” she said.
He dropped his arms. “Fini don’t move away from shaptis, either.”
She wanted to scream and pull her hair. “I could wander off if I put on the gray.” The thought made her clutch her robe tighter, clinging to the white. “If I had a scar…”
His mouth dropped open, revealing teeth that weren’t as sharp as Siobhan’s. “You can’t! You’re so beautiful, Ell.”
“All fini are beautiful.”
“You’re…” He wiped his lips. “You’re beyond lovely. Your face is perfect. I can only imagine that your body is, too.” His gaze went roaming as if he’d lost control of it.
She narrowed her eyes, another useful expression. “Is that why you’re so interested in me?”
“I only want to help you.” His cheeks tinted with anger, but soothing him was the last thing on her mind.
Had this been why Aesa freed her? Because she was beautiful? “If you really wanted to free fini minds, you would have started with the grays. No one looks at them.”
“I didn’t free you,” he said. “You chose not to go into the pools on your own.” He tempered his tone, casting another look toward the town. “How did that happen, exactly? I saw the other members of your clan. They’re not like you.”
She tried to think of a lie but couldn’t. “I just didn’t go in.”
His mouth turned smug. “My mother called that kind of lie a sunbeam. You can see right through it. It was the invaders, wasn’t it? They stopped you. How? They never came near the pools. The shaptis guarding there would have seen them.”
“I was caught in the town, the one where all the shaptis died.”
“And the others in your clan? If I asked them, with their excellent memories, what would they tell me?”
She tried to contain the shivers that wanted to overtake her, fear and anger mingling together. “You said you wanted to help me.”
“How can I if I don’t know what happened?”
She slid her teeth back and forth, listening to the delicate crunch. “There was an invader, a woman.” Ell thought to say that Aesa had attacked her, but she didn’t even want to think of such a thing. “She made me hide with her, and she protected me from the rest of her people.”
Now he frowned hard. “Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did she see the pool?”
“Yes.”
He tilted his face to the sky and then lowered it, hands on his hips.
“Why does it matter?” she asked. “If the invaders destroy the pool, you’ll get all the thinking fini you claim to want.”
His gaze hardened, and she wondered if she’d pushed him too far, if the shapti in him would overtake the fini. “You can’t all go free at once, Ell. It would be chaos.”
“Only the beautiful ones, then?” She fought not to sneer.
Niall simply glared at her, and she wondered how strong his urge to strike her felt, if it gnawed at him like her feelings did to her.
“Will you tell Elder Morgan?” she asked.
“I can’t without giving you away.”
She kept her voice soft. “And you wouldn’t do that?”
“No.” He rubbed his hands together and stared at nothing. “I’ll have to think on what this means.”
“What must I do?”
He shrugged, just shrugged, and even though she didn’t know how to hurt someone, she was tempted to try. No, who she wanted to hurt was Aesa, for doing this to her in the first place and then leaving her to deal with it on her own. But Niall had come along and offered her hope, and that was almost worse.
“Maybe I should let the shaptis find out and be killed,” she said, and it sounded as petulant as any of Siobhan’s numerous complaints.
“You’re not going to do that.”
“I thought about leaving, but I don’t know how to get past the shaptis guarding the town. Even then, I don’t know how to survive in the open.”
He rubbed his chin. “Sneaking out’s not a bad idea.”
She gestured at the world full of horrors. “What would I do?”
“I can get you out of town, show you a place to hide. After the invaders are tak
en care of, I can talk to other shaptis, get them on our side.”
“Take care of the invaders,” she said. He hadn’t seen them fight, hadn’t seen the shaptis fall and fall and fall. But if the invaders returned, she might find Aesa again. She knew some of Aesa’s language. She could learn more. Maybe Aesa would know what to do with all these thoughts. “How would I survive?”
He smiled as if happy to have a question he could answer. “I can bring you food. I have just the spot in mind.”
He made her wait while he gathered supplies. She stood amongst the huts of the grays and fought not to pace, not to cry, not to rage. When she heard a footstep behind her, she turned, ready to ask Niall what had taken so long.
A female shapti stood there instead, staring, frowning, the lines beside her eyes, slight as they were, naming her elder. “What are you doing out here?”
Ell tried to force a tranquil expression. “Shapti,” she said and knew it sounded breathless. “What can I do for you?”
“Answer my question.”
“A…another shapti bade me await his return.”
“Why?” She stepped forward, looking Ell up and down.
“I do not know, shapti. Can I offer you comfort?”
The elder shapti slashed a hand through the air. “Where did this person go who has you standing out here with the grays?”
“Shapti, I do not—”
The elder slashed another hand and then looked around, fists on her hips. “Get back to town.”
Ell’s heart fluttered. Slowly, she started to walk when Niall rounded a corner. He waved but stumbled when he looked past her.
“Elder Lenora,” he said, and his voice sounded almost as tight as Ell’s. “What—”
“Why are you meeting a white robe out among the grays?” she asked.
“I…I was going scouting, and…”
“Fini,” Elder Lenora barked, “come here.”
Ell faced her again, tranquil expression in place. “Shapti?”
“Did he mark you, scar your face or body?”
She let her confusion show. “Scar? No, shapti. Niall hasn’t—”
“That’s enough. Don’t want you to collapse.” She stepped close to Niall. “Some of the younglings think it’s funny to mark the white robes, send them to an early life among the grays. Does that describe you, youngling?”
Color flushed Niall’s pale cheeks. “No, shapti.”
“Good, see that it doesn’t start.” She looked to Ell. “I have a mind to take your pretty plaything away from you. Younglings should learn to go a few hours without shucking their trousers.”
Niall swallowed, and Ell listened to the rush of blood in her ears.
With a last look at both of them, Elder Lenora marched back to town.
Niall sighed hugely. Ell tried to breathe through her disgust. Send fini to an early life among the grays? She fought to keep her breakfast down at the thought.
“Here.” Niall gave her a pack to carry, one just smaller than his own. “We’ve got one last stop to make, and it looks like we’d better hurry.”
Near the gates, Niall ducked into a kennel and emerged with a hound he called Chezzo, a large dog with a ruff around his squat head, the thick fur continuing almost to his broad chest.
Ell watched him warily. The shaptis kept hounds among some of their squads, but she’d never been around them. They were seen to by the grays, as most things were. But as time wore on, and Chezzo trotted amiably by her side, his tongue lolling, she began to relax and even stroke his fur. He glanced up at her calmly, seeming not to care about the differences between her and Niall.
They walked for half the day through the forest, toward the sun. Niall stopped frequently to climb trees and shade his eyes while he peered through crowded trunks. At last, he said, “There it is!” and led her deeper into the woods.
A jumble of rocks jutted upward into a shelf above the forest floor, creating a sandy, moss-covered overhang below. The shelf sported a tree whose roots curled downward, concealing a hole in the rocks.
Niall dumped the pack to the ground. “I discovered this while actually on patrol, when a storm caught me off-guard.” He pointed in the direction of the setting sun. “There’s a creek not far that way. I’ll show you before I leave. Chezzo, seek!” He pointed into the hole.
Chezzo sniffed the ground, wedge-shaped head moving back and forth, snuffling like a bellows. He disappeared into the hole, and Ell waited anxiously, wondering what was supposed to come out.
When Chezzo emerged alone, Niall struck a lamp. “We’re in luck.”
He ducked through the hole, pushing through the roots. Ell followed, her heart hammering. The hole sloped downward before it leveled out, revealing an open space under the ground. Niall had to stoop, but Ell could stand upright. A channel at the opening continued around the edges of the space before heading downward through a much smaller hole.
“This is called a cave.” He pointed to the channel. “That’s where water will run in if it rains, all the way to this small hole at the back. It leads to a larger cavern beneath us, but I couldn’t get down there to explore. And there’s no recent scat, just some old bones, so nothing’s living here. I’m leaving Chezzo to protect you in case something wanders by.”
She’d guessed that. He’d taught her the hound’s commands while they’d walked. “Will he obey me?”
“He seems to like you.”
“How can you tell?”
“You can tell a shapti’s every thought but can’t read a hound’s obvious affection?” He pointed out how Chezzo preferred to walk by her side, how he kept himself between her and the forest and licked her fingers or wagged his stump of a tail at the sound of her voice.
Ell scratched Chezzo’s ears, pleased that he found her pleasing. He would hunt for himself, Niall told her, or he might bring back game. He gave her a quick course on how to prepare an animal, since he often had to do such things on patrol, and she tried to learn, but even he had to admit that she would need practice. Luckily, she had food and water to get her started, and he promised to return often.
“It won’t be long,” he said cheerfully. “If the barbarians don’t return within the month, my friends and I will spread the word that fini should be free. Once we have enough people on our side, we’ll produce you to prove our point.”
Ell didn’t know how long a month was. Time had never meant much to her, but now it seemed forever, might take even longer to convince the shaptis to accept her or to convince other fini to do as she did, and all of that only if Aesa’s people didn’t return.
“I think you’ll like it here,” he said. “It’s rough, but it’s pretty comfortable, and I remember feeling peaceful.” He gave her a bright smile.
Despite her skeptical looks, he left quickly after he’d shown her the creek. Ell sat on a rock outside the cave and watched him go, Chezzo lounging by her side. She scratched his thick ruff, and he leaned against her leg. “We might be here forever, Chezzo.” That was if another shapti or predator didn’t find them first. She wondered what Niall would say to Siobhan, if he’d claim Ell had gotten into an accident and been killed. If Siobhan fought him and won, his plans could die with him.
Ell tried her best not to think of that, but there weren’t many good things to ponder. Even a few hours by herself were longer than she’d ever gone. Back in town, she’d felt alone in her own head, but there had always been people around. It had terrified her then, made her think she’d discovered what loneliness was. Now she even missed the shaptis.
When it began to get dark, she spread some blankets in the cave, Chezzo beside her. She lay down and waited for the light to fade. Sleep would keep her from loneliness for a little while.
The darkness grew, but only to a point, and then it seemed to stop. She could still see the mouth of the cave and the pit of blackness beyond. She turned and stared at faint light trickling up from the hole behind her. A larger cavern, Niall had said. She strained to see down the hole, bu
t only faint light shone up at her. Not wanting to blunder around in the dark, she lay down again, stared at the light, and waited for peace.
In the morning, it was still fairly dark inside the cave, but without absolute blackness, she couldn’t see the light coming from below. If she widened the hole a little, she could drop down and have a look, but the way was clogged with mud. She’d have to scrape it out. A tree branch or something would work.
Ell climbed out of the cave, and Chezzo dashed into the woods. He was right. It was too nice a day to be spent cleaning mud from the back of a cave. With nothing else to do, she wandered. Niall had told her that there was a farm not far away, if she were to get into too much trouble. If it became too hard for her, she supposed she could tell the shaptis there that she’d become separated from her clan. Maybe they’d believe her, spare her life. Niall claimed she was beautiful. Maybe she could use that.
Chezzo crashed from the woods to stay by her side as she walked in the opposite direction of the rising sun. She crossed the creek, eating a little food as she walked, and soon after found the edge of the woods.
Fini moved among the fields in their gray robes, bending to poke at the soil with whatever they used to farm. Shaptis milled along the fields’ edge, near a small cluster of huts.
Ell looked at her own white robe, now thoroughly stained from walking through the woods for hours. She wondered if it could pass for gray long enough to speak to one of the others. If she could circle to where the trees stood closest to the field, maybe she could slip among the gray fini unnoticed.
A shapti wandered into the finis’ midst, and Ell paused, watching him. He whispered something in the ear of a gray, and the gray smiled widely, following the shapti into a deep ditch. The other shaptis called from the huts, but Ell couldn’t hear what they said. The shapti with the gray waved at his comrades before he knelt behind the gray and removed a bit of his clothing, just enough to have sex.
Ell’s heart sped, unbelieving. A shapti with a gray? It was…
“Betrayal.” Fini spent their whole lives trying to keep from putting on the gray. She’d always been told that her life was better because she wore white, better because she had a chance to please the shaptis. Other fini were probably waiting in the huts with nothing to do but make sure the shaptis had everything they needed. And now, right before her eyes, a shapti was rutting in a ditch like an animal with one of those Ell had been taught to pity because they would never know a shapti’s needs.
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