by Tiffany Foxe
She grabbed her phone and rang her up. It rang and rang as she anxiously waited. It went to voicemail. She hung up and tried texting her.
Just want to know you’re ok.
She didn’t get a response.
Elsa received the texts and the phone call, but she didn't want to answer. The last night she spent with Alice was too intense. She had never felt so strongly for anyone before, and the whole situation terrified her. Everyone she had ever been with she had no problem never seeing, again. She just wasn't that interested, plus she enjoyed the freedom of living on her own. Everything was on her own terms. With Alice it was different. She couldn't stand to be away from her. She craved to be near her, with her, and she savored every little moment, every little glimpse of her enormously. Every second they spent together was exhilarating. She was more than smitten. She was lovesick.
Yet, her father was right. She knew she couldn't feel this way. Alice was leaving in a month and that would be that. Her heart ached at the thought of it. She had to get her out of her head. She had to let it go. This nauseating, exhilarating, anxious, momentous feeling had to go.
She grabbed her keys and left the house.
***
Elsa leaned against the bar top as she ogled at a beautiful woman ordering a drink.
“Hey. How are you?” she asked with a sly grin.
The woman blushed. Elsa was obviously checking her out, and she felt flattered by it.
“Fine. You?” she asked, shyly.
“Better, now,” she responded as she straightened up off the counter.
“Care to join me?” invited the slender brunette.
Elsa joined her at a table where they drank and chatted.
“Want to come back to my place for a drink,” the brunette finally offered.
Elsa smiled.
The woman opened the door to her apartment and put up her purse and coat. Elsa strolled in, surveying her surroundings. The woman sauntered confidently over to Elsa and began kissing her. Elsa kissed back. The woman cradled Elsa’s face in her hand. She began motioning toward her bedroom as they kissed. Elsa stopped and took a breath. She grabbed the woman’s hands and pulled them away from her face.
“How about a drink?” she asked nervously.
The woman grinned seductively and gave her a peck on the cheek. She walked over and poured a glass of wine and handed it to Elsa. Elsa clasped the glass in her hand and took a long gulp. She smiled awkwardly at her companion. The brunette, flattered by her guest’s apparent nervousness, strutted over and took the glass from Elsa. She took a sip while she checked out her visitor. She set the glass down on a table and leaned in to kiss Elsa. Elsa pulled away before the woman could reach her target. The woman smirked. She grabbed Elsa’s jacket collar and pulled her into the bedroom, kissing her along the way. Elsa stumbled reluctantly with her, unsure of herself. The woman fell back onto the bed, yanking Elsa down with her.They kissed as the woman caressed her hands up Elsa’s back. She grabbed her jacket and began pulling it off. Elsa pulled away and began to sit up. This didn’t feel right. The woman decidedly pulled her back down and rolled over on top of her. Elsa watched, paralyzed, as the lady straightened up and took off her shirt and bra. Elsa looked away and gulped.
“I can’t,” she said.
The woman looked down at Elsa, puzzled. Elsa got up from the bed and walked toward the door.
“I don’t understand,” said the woman.
“I’m sorry,” she said and left.
She spent the night alone in her own bed staring at the ceiling. She was too distraught to sleep. All she could do was think of Alice. She didn’t like this feeling, this need from someone, yet she couldn’t ignore it.
The next day she went over to her friend Linn’s house.
“I think I’m in love with Alice,” she confessed.
Just saying it felt like a weight off her chest.
“The American?” she chuckled.
“God, Elsa!”
Elsa rolled her eyes. Linn scoffed.
“You’re serious?”
“You were the one saying I should settle down.”
“Yeah, with someone who will actually settle with you. Not leave in a few weeks.”
“You and my dad,” compared Elsa.
Linn gave an awkward chuckle.
“Oh, he knows, too.”
Linn’s eyes grew wide.
“Wow! You are serious! Well...you know how to pick ‘em. A million fish in the sea and you choose the one that you know won’t stick around.”
Elsa sighed and rolled her eyes.
“I didn’t plan this,” she argued.
Elsa sat there, feeling defensive and broken. Linn looked sympathetically at her friend.
“Honey, we never do.”
***
Alice opened the front door. Elsa stood, downcast, in the doorway.
“Hey!” Alice said surprised.
It had been four days since she had seen or heard from Elsa. Elsa looked back at Alice with despair.
“What’s wrong?”
Elsa gave a brief nod as she bit her lip. She looked on the verge of tears. Alice looked on, puzzled, as she open the door wider to allow Elsa in. She entered and walked straight to the opposite end of the room. She looked out onto the porch that had a calming view of the lake. Alice stood in wonder. Elsa turned and crossed her arms. She looked distraught. Alice walked over to her.
“Is everything okay? Where have you been?”
Elsa stood anxiously staring at the ground. She couldn’t look her in the eye. Alice stroked her fingers through Elsa’s soft, golden hair and swept it back out of her face. Alice dipped her head down, trying to meet Elsa’s gaze. She wouldn’t look up. She gently touched her chin and lifted her head. Their eyes met, searching the other’s for understanding and reciprocation. They leaned into each other and kissed. Strongly and passionately their lips smacked together as they wrapped their arms around one another.
***
The two lay tangled in each other and the sheets. Alice rested on her back, coddling her lover as she stared at the ceiling. She oozed contentment as she brushed her fingers up and down Elsa’s arm. Elsa rested her head on Alice’s shoulder and snuggled close beside her. She gazed out onto the lake, dreading the secret she had to get off her chest. The moonlight waltzed upon the frigid water. She lifted her head and looked at Alice.
“I have something to tell you,” she said timidly.
Alice tilted to get a better view of her. Elsa hesitated to speak as she ran her finger along the center of Alice’s chest.
“Last night...I was with someone else.”
She tried to read Alice, but she gave no inkling to what she thought. Elsa slowly continued.
“Nothing happened,” she urged.
“I mean, we kissed...but…that’s it...basically…” she said unsure in her choice of words..
She felt like she was digging a hole and she’d die in it if she couldn’t somehow dig her way back out. She still couldn’t figure out was Alice was thinking. Was she mad? Hurt? Indifferent? She had just had the most life altering, mind blowing night with this woman. A person she had fallen in love with and opened herself up to, and now she was ruining it. Really, she feared she had already ruined it the night before. It was just now coming to delayed fruition.
“But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking...” she added.
“Elsa,” Alice calmly interrupted.
Elsa feared the words that about to spring forth.
“It’s okay.”
Elsa looked at Alice, puzzled. She had expected many scenarios, but this wasn’t one of them.
“We never said we were exclusive. We never said we were anything. And, I’m going home in less than a month.” she added.
Alice smiled as she gently rubbed Elsa’s arm. Elsa thought about what Alice said. It was true they never explicitly stated they were an item, but they sure acted like it. She wasn’t sure how she felt about this reactio
n. Before having told Alice, she would have jumped at a “get out of jail free” card, but now she felt a bit undervalued and underappreciated. This was coming from the woman that she couldn’t get enough of, whom she wanted nothing more than to spend every waking minute with. Elsa thought her heart would break just from the thought of her Alice with another, and here she was being told it was okay for her to do the same.
She placed her head back on Alice’s shoulder so Alice couldn’t see her misery. She looked back out at the moonlight, striving to preoccupy her mind with something that didn’t pull at her heartstrings.
“Although…” said Alice. “...personally, I’d prefer if we weren’t seeing other people.”
Elsa’s heart eased. She allowed a tiny smile and wrapped her arm around Alice.
“I missed you,” said Alice as she gave her a big squeeze.
Elsa melted into her lover.
They slept cuddled in each other’s arms.
Alice awoke to find Elsa smiling at her, her arms draped about her torso. She smiled back. They kissed.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” said Alice.
“What do you want to do, today,” asked Elsa.
Alice grinned as she pondered the possibilities.
“Surprise me,” she answered.
Elsa beamed.
“Okay.”
They kissed, again. Slowly and passionately.
“I’ll make some coffee,” said Elsa.
“That’s not very surprising,” Alice joked.
Elsa smiled as she got out of bed and threw on a shirt. Alice watched as she strolled over to the coffeemaker. She radiated beauty and Alice delighted in admiring it. She got up and walked in the bathroom.
“I’m gonna get a shower,” she said.
“Okay.”
Elsa poured a cup of coffee for herself and walked over to the table. Alice’s laptop sat on top. She looked over toward the bathroom.
“Hey, can I use your computer?” she hollered.
“Yeah,” Alice called back from the bathroom.
She grabbed the laptop and plopped in the bed. She sipped her coffee as she meandered about online. She went onto Facebook and looked up Alice.
“Hey, I think I found you,” she called out.
She clicked on the link to Alice’s profile. She scrolled through the pictures. They were mostly of Alice and another woman. She scanned through more photos. It was always the same woman. She looked at her profile information. “In a relationship,” she read. Her heart sank. She sat staring sullenly at the page.
Alice opened the bathroom door. She had already gotten dressed and was drying her hair with a towel. She noticed Elsa’s facial expression.
“What’s wrong?”
Elsa sat in silence staring at the screen. Alice walked over to see what she was looking at.
“What?”
She saw the page with photos of her and Sarah smiling, hugging, and embracing each other. She looked at Elsa.
“You have a girlfriend,” she accused.
Alice stood with her mouth agape. Memories of her and Sarah stared her in the face. She hadn’t updated anything on her profile since the accident. She didn’t see the point. She wanted to keep those memories, preserve that time in her life, to hold onto Sarah. Now, her longing to preserve the past was crashing into the present.
“I can explain.”
“It makes sense...why you were so hot and cold with me in the beginning,” she reasoned.
“I...”
Alice didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t realized she had come across that way. Elsa glared at Alice. She was appalled.
“It’s right there!”
She motioned toward the screen.
“In a relationship,” she read from Alice’s profile.
The tears were flowing now. Alice was taken aback by the sudden change in atmosphere. Everything had been bright and cheerful moments before. Now, she was confronted with something she didn’t want to deal with, something she couldn’t deal with. She stood paralyzed, looking at the screen of photos of her and Sarah. It seemed like another life, now. She felt guilty for allowing herself to feel something for someone else. She had forsaken Sarah.
Elsa tossed the laptop aside and got out of bed.
“How could you?”
Alice tried, but couldn’t bring forth the words. She felt that somehow, saying them out loud made it real, too real. She couldn’t muster the courage to bring them forth, to admit all she had lost.
Elsa threw on her clothes.
“It’s not what you think,” she finally got out.
Elsa stopped and looked at Alice.
“Then, what is it?”
Alice froze.
Elsa grabbed her shoes and keys and stormed out the door.
Alice stood paralyzed. She heard the car crank and ran out the door. Elsa was backing out of the driveway. Alice ran up to the car.
“Elsa, wait!”
She banged on the window with her palm, but the car didn’t slow.
“Wait!”
She tried running with the car, hoping she would stop.
“Elsa!” she cried out.
The car continued down the road. Alice could no longer keep up. She watched the car drive away as she caught her breath. She straightened up as she noticed the car skid from side to side. It waxed and waned, then slid off the icy bridge and straight into the lake. Alice cringed as she watched the car plunge into the water. She ran towards it.
“Elsa!” she cried.
The car sank beneath the ice cold water. Alice stood petrified. Moments ticked by, but to Alice, they felt like lifetimes. She started for the water and dove in. She was immediately attacked by the pangs of a thousand needles shooting through her skin. She almost gasped underwater from the shock of the cold that enveloped her. She could scarcely spot the car below her. She swam toward it and peered through the window. She saw Elsa sitting with her head slumped to one side, motionless. Alice looked around and spotted a rock on the lake floor. She swam down and grabbed it. She swam around to the passenger’s side and pounded on a corner of the window. She pounded again and again. She swam up and gasped for air. She took another deep breath and dove back down. She curled her feet underneath the car for leverage and to keep from floating away. She grabbed the rock with both hands and slung with all her might. The window cracked, then shattered. Water rushed in. Alice swam through the window and pulled Elsa out of the car. They reached the surface, and Alice took a big breath. Her limbs were numb and her teeth chattered. She struggled to keep Elsa’s head above water as she swam to shore.
Alice pulled Elsa up out of the water and laid her on her back.
“Elsa,” she cried out.
She wasn’t breathing. Alice quickly gave two rescue breaths...Nothing.
“Come on,” she pleaded.
She gave two more.
Seconds went by. They seemed like ages. Alice watched helplessly. Elsa began coughing as water spewed out of her mouth. Alice rolled Elsa on her side. Elsa continued to cough and gasp for air. She took a deep breath. She rolled over and looked at Alice. Her eyes were full of concern. Her blue lips quivered as she watched Elsa anxiously. Alice scooped her up into her arms and held her tightly. She shivered with cold almost as much as from the realization of what she almost lost. Gratitude and dread consumed her entire being as she clasped Elsa against her body and swayed side to side. A tear ran down her cheek.
Elsa loosely hugged her back, wide eyed in astonishment at how quickly her day had changed.
Alice took Elsa back to the cottage and got her in some warm, dry clothes and dried her hair. Elsa couldn’t stop shaking. Her lips were cyanotic. Alice pulled the blanket off the bed and wrapped Elsa in it as she huddled in a chair.
Alice turned the heat up on the thermostat, then she put on some dry clothes, herself. She came out of the bathroom and looked at Elsa. She crossed her arms as she peered at the ground before her. She had lost Sarah to a car accident
, and now she had almost lost Elsa to one. She was the first person since Sarah that she had come to have feelings for. The events that had unfolded that morning made her aware of just how strong those feelings were. She knew she couldn’t bear to lose another love in her life. She felt a tear roll down her cheek.
Elsa hunched over in her chair, staring at the ground. All she wanted to do was leave. She felt foolish and humiliated. The first person she had truly loved had taken her for a ride. She had been played. She was just some little fling on the side for a month or two until Alice went home to her real life. She had fallen hard. She had never had such strong feelings for another. The sting of having those feelings unmatched, of having it figured all wrong when it felt so right, hit her right in the heart. Her father was right. Love is pain and she was feeling it right then with excruciating intensity. She was a fool.
Alice scrambled to gather her composure.
“I’ll call a taxi.”
She went over to her phone and began searching for the number to a cab company.
Elsa’s heart sank even lower. She hadn’t thought it possible. She could’ve died and all Alice wanted to do was get rid of her. A wall of tears surged forth. She fought furiously to hold them back.
“Don’t...bother,” She mumbled.
“You should go to a hospital. You could have hypothermia,” argued Alice. “You’re shaking. You’re lips are blue.”
She walked over to Elsa and squatted down until she was eye level. Elsa immediately looked away, unable to look her in the eye. Alice saw the tears that welled up. She couldn’t stand the sight of it. Her heart ached immensely. She leaned forth and placed her hand on Elsa’s cheek. The tears gushed out, soaking Alice’s palm. She rested her forehead against Elsa’s and placed her other hand on Elsa’s face. Her lip quivered. Elsa quietly sobbed, her breath uncontrollable. Alice wrapped Elsa in her arms. Elsa’s silent tears soaked into Alice’s shoulder. Her sweater muffled the sound of her sobs as Alice stroked Elsa’s hair.
They laid together that night. Each holding the other for warmth, but mostly for fear of what might be lost if they let go.
