She is plain lazy. This means you may face a number of challenges later as she will be expecting you to bear the majority of responsibilities in your relationship. Such people often have little appreciation for what is being done for them; a woman with such attitude will not make it in the US. Many such women quickly return to their home country – no matter how hard you try to please her, there always will be “something” she doesn’t like. If you notice such an attitude, you will need to set things straight from the very beginning, and if she doesn’t make any changes, you might have to reconsider being in this relationship all together.
She has no respect for you and is not serious about your relationship. A woman in love tries to please her man, to make his life more fulfilling, to keep him happy. If she does not put effort into improving your communication through learning English, she might not have strong feelings for you. Again, if you have any doubts, you need to have a serious discussion about what is happening and make corresponding decisions.
I am not suggesting that you dump your Russian girlfriend or interrogate her weekly if she hasn’t learned the language in two months. Learning a foreign language is not always easy – some people simply do not have an inclination for languages; women after 40 have an exceptionally difficult time with this. However, you must at least see that she is trying.
If your Russian bride is studying with a tutor, you may want to speak with her teacher to discuss her progress as well as find out what you can do to help. If she is using some form of language software (Rosetta Stone courses are great – they can help her learn some language basics in 3-5 months!), check out what topics it uses in the lessons and have conversations using the same vocabulary/phrases as the software – you will be able to see how much attention she pays to the lessons, and she will be comfortable because she will be repeating things she already knows.
–––– Resource! ––––
I would strongly recommend for your bride to take a class at the www.UsaLanguageAcademy.com as it developed specifically for Russian women to help them learn English quickly. The program is affordable; it offers learning with a live tutor and a fun way to learn via videos and exercises. This program has been reported to show good results even from people with no language skills or learning talent.
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Of course, you must encourage and support her the best you can – admire her every little achievement, do not be overly harsh or critical when correcting her, and always remind her that you love her. You must be prepared for an adaptation period full of challenges once your Russian bride arrives into your country even if she speaks English well. Several months after my arrival to the US, once I was comfortable with my English, my friends took me to see the musical “Oklahoma”. I really enjoyed the play and thought I’d followed the plot exceptionally well for someone who has not had that much experience listening to American speech. The next year I attended the same play – I was shocked that the script has been changed drastically, altering the entire storyline! I was shocked even more when I was told that it has not changed a bit from the year before – it turned out that I only understood and followed about 70% of the play the previous year!
It is also a good idea to support your bride by learning a few of the words from her native tongue – this will make your communication fun and give her a chance to relax (she won’t be the only one learning something new and making mistakes).
You might find interesting the story of one of my female clients. At first she didn’t learn English because she didn’t have any motivation – there was no man in her life. Once she met a man, she decided that Rosetta Stone software was a good option, her boyfriend bought it for her. Once she had the software, she started having computer problems, all the time. Now, two years later, she speaks very little English, her husband has been learning Russian instead, and the couple mainly communicates in Russian. I don’t know many men who would be so dedicated to their women; her husband is so much in love that he doesn’t care what he must do to keep his wife happy. While admirable on one hand, on another, it is a very dangerous situation – if this man ever feels slightly less affectionate (and he probably will at some point), he probably will no longer want to be so patient and giving. And frankly, I won’t blame him – relationships where one partner always gives while the other person always demands never work.
At the same time, I can tell you dozens of stories when women arrived to the United States knowing just a few words of English, yet within a few months they were fluent enough to be able to communicate and understand native speakers. Being immersed in a foreign language environment puts the learning on an entirely new level - there are no translators to rely on, many things can be explained (on paper or by pointing) for easier understanding, and there is simply no other choice! Hearing television, music, and native speakers in a new language will help your lady adapt and learn the language faster. Additional language learning activities, such as English as a Foreign Language classes and various cross-cultural activities, can help build your sweetheart’s confidence and gain necessary practice of a new tongue. Such programs will not only assist her in learning the language, but help your Russian bride make friends as well.
Learn to speak Russian English
It is a challenge to communicate with a Russian woman who doesn’t know English, but it is an equal challenge to speak with a Russian woman who speaks the language. You must realize that most Russian people learn British English. It doesn’t seem like a big deal until you find yourself in an awkward situation. During my first year in America, I once had the audacity to ask a young gentleman in a library for a rubber. I didn’t understand why he gave me an awkward look, mumbled something unintelligible, and left the table rather quickly… until someone explained to me that “rubber” in America means “condom” (what I wanted was an eraser!).
You will find that Russian women often use literal translations of Russian terms or try to translate words that have a very specific meaning in Russian with no analogous terms in English. To help you eliminate some of the confusion, I offer you the list of the most common words and phrases that can help you gain a better insight into Russian mentality and understand what your lady actually means.
Create a family – literal translation from Russian which means “to get married”. This does not necessarily imply children; it is acceptable to use this term to talk about the husband and wife only.
Strong family – literal translation; means a close family with harmonious relations which can withstand any challenges.
Create a cozy and comfortable home – refers to home improvement activities.
Close people – literal translation of the term used to refer to people who are special in one’s life, someone you care about.
To become closer – literal translation of “get to know each other better”.
Favorite man – the man I love or care for.
Real man – a man who is strong, reliable, a good provider, who can defend the woman and take care of her; someone with whom she can feel delicate and feminine.
Financially secure – this term seems to scare men quite often because they mistakenly think that a woman is looking for a rich husband. To be financially secure to Russian women means to have a stable job, a stable income with the help of which a man can provide for his family.
Provide for materially – has the same meaning as “financially secure”.
Well-to-do person – this term is used when talking about people of the upper class.
Without bad habits – refers to someone who is not a drunkard, who does not smoke or do drugs.
Active rest – literal translation for “outdoor activities”.
Communicative – means “sociable”.
Middle education – refers to high school studies.
Higher education – literal translation for studying at a university.
Looking for the second half – literal translation of a phrase meaning that a
woman is looking for a partner.
Gay – a good ole British term widely taught to be used to describe someone cheerful or happy.
Intercourse – a British word meaning “contact”, “communication”.
Sexual – most Russians use this word when they mean “sexy”.
Intelligent – one of the most commonly misused words to describe an intellectual (or, according to the Russian language, a well-educated person with good manners, an older meaning in Russian referred to someone with a higher social status).
Manly – means “masculine”.
Womanly – incorrect term for “feminine”.
Orderly – when used by Russians, normally means “decent” or “faithful”.
Pedagogical – usually refers to universities/establishments where one receives a degree to become a teacher.
Shaping – usually refers to fitness programs which help women improve their physical shape by toning every part of the body without becoming buff.
Sporty – means “athletic”, “physically fit”.
Proud – often means someone who is confident and independent.
Strong – is often used to define character quality of someone who is strong-willed as opposed to describing physical attributes.
Machine – often is misused when talking about a car, a vehicle.
Purposeful – misused to describe someone who is goal oriented.
From dating to marriage
You will never know what it takes to help someone adjust to a new culture unless you go through this process. I went through this experience when my mother and my brother moved to the US. At that time, I learned that adjustment process of young people is very different than that of someone older. Basically, it is like raising a child. You will have to be patient (very patient!), learn not to get frustrated, and take things as they come; you must understand that issues arise for a reason, and the only way to fix things is to explain to your bride the way things are done in your country. Raising your voice or getting frustrated will not help her understand things better or faster and can make her regret moving overseas in the first place.
You might think you wouldn’t do any of these things, but consider this: while you were away from each other, communicating through emails, video chats or on the phone, you were in your own space, in your comfort zone. Even if you had misunderstandings or disagreements, once you disconnected, you could cool off, get yourself together, shake off all negativity and tension, and speak calmly the next day once you’ve had time to think about the situation and to miss your sweetheart. Now, if there is any conflict, it will be in your face; you will not have time to be away from each other and will have to deal with problems right away.
You must also be prepared that your usual routine will be disturbed. Even if you think you are ready for it, you might not be. Suddenly things will be done differently than you are used to, your wife might do things you don’t understand or don’t like, and you will have to adjust to her presence as much as she will have to adjust to yours (even if you love each other very much!). However, all of that will come after several days of euphoria of finally being together after the long wait.
Cultural 911: helping your Russian bride adjust
When you marry someone from your own country, you have similar traditions; you are familiar with the same books, music, holidays. When you marry a woman from abroad, your outlook on life, values, and habits will most likely be completely different. You will be able to learn something new, come to appreciate things you have in your life, and discover a whole new world thanks to learning about new culture and lifestyle. This will make your relationships more rewarding and stimulating, yet, it will also require more patience and understanding from both partners, as not being able to understand your partner 100% can be frustrating.
The first and most important thing to remember is that you are the only person your lady knows in the new country. This will require additional patience and understanding on your part as some traditions, habits, and information might be completely new to your sweetheart.
As you go through your day, just try imagining that you see everything around you for the first time: you would have no idea what each store is, what kind of food is served in each restaurant, how to get to certain places, etc. This is pretty much what things will be like for your wife when she moves to your country. There will be many things she has never seen, things she has no idea about, and you will be responsible for explaining them to her and supporting her as she learns.
If you cannot imagine the situation above, imagine this: you see a famous singer/actor you really liked growing up. This brings to your mind childhood memories, old family traditions, how you spent time with school friends. You try to share this with your partner and realize that your words mean nothing to her! Of course, she is glad to see you touched, but she does not understand what the big deal is about seeing some old guy – she has no idea how your family spent time together, she has no idea what school was like for you, she cannot relate to your memories of youth. You try to explain that this person is famous, you can’t believe that she doesn’t know him/her, and all your excitement and the magic of the moment give way to frustration and explanations (as you know, having to explain a joke totally ruins it!).
So, as you see, the first thing you have to store up on is patience. Do not let such misunderstandings upset you. Remember that you and your Russian wife are in the same boat: you are not able to feel why some things matter to her so much, because you do not know her country, her culture. She has her own perception of the world, and, in fact, is facing a much tougher adjustment because she is in a new place; you are still in your home country, where things are familiar to you, everyone understands you, and you have complete freedom of action, while she only has you (and perhaps your family) to talk with and learn from.
A great plus will be to have your family and friends well aware of your decision to marry someone from abroad and use their support in making your girlfriend/fiancé feel more comfortable in a new environment. Making all necessary introductions of people important in your life as early after arrival as possible will be a big plus – but make sure you give her a few days to get on schedule after jet lag and get comfortable enough for such activities. It is also a good idea to explain what is typical in your circle of family and friends – some people have a family dinner every evening to share the events of the day, others meet only at Christmas time, some people’s friends play a more important role in their life than biological relatives.
The first thing you might want to do is give your lady a quick tour of the house, places visited most often (i.e. favorite store, restaurant) or the nearest city/activity center, especially if you live outside of town. This will give her an idea of where everything is located and make her feel more comfortable with the surroundings. A tour of the house might seem like a trivial thing, but it is extremely important in making your sweetheart really feel like it is her home – sometimes, not knowing where one can find trash bags or laundry soap can be frustrating, especially since most women are eager to take on responsibilities of caring for the home and creating a cozy place for the two of you. Remember to show her where toothpaste is and keep Bengay out of her reach!
When preparing for your sweetheart to arrive, you might want to buy her a small present – something that will be uniquely hers (a t-shirt, a basket with toiletries just for her, her own slippers) – to make her feel like she already has presence in your house.
And remember, cultural differences are no reason to panic. There are two simple rules to overcome them and make your relationship grow.
Rule #1. Do your research. If you met a lady from Russia, do some research on Russian culture, traditions, food, and holidays. As much useful information as you might find in this book, it is simply impossible for me to cover everything. You don’t need to become a history buff, but showing that you are somewhat familiar with her country (and that you made an effort!) will make her at ease an
d will simplify your communication.
Rule #2. Discuss cultural things. Talk about your culture, ask about hers, ask questions, and make her do the same, show her photographs that can show what your life is/was like, share music and films that have made an impact on you and which you consider important. Seeing all these things will help your Russian bride understand you, your likes and dislikes, and will create a stronger bond based on things which are important to you. That way, next time you refer to your favorite film, your Russian bride will know exactly what you mean and why you said it. Be patient and communicate openly, and you will be able to overcome cultural differences.
New culture: Russian women and career
Among many, a common misconception some of my male clients have about Russian women is that the latter are not interested in having a career, dream to be housewives, and have no plans to work expecting their husband to take care of them for the rest of their life. This is not entirely true; just as every Russian woman is unique, so will be her needs and wants.
As you already know, most women in Russia have good education (most of them have university degrees) and take it as a given that they must work. It is usually considered a sign of wealth if a wife can stay at home. However, if a woman is ambitious and is interested in having a job not only for money, but also for the challenge, she will not want to stay at home – she might stay at home for a few months while she adjusts to a new culture, but will get bored sitting at home once she has adjusted. This has been true for nearly 80% of my female clients – after all, it takes an adventurous, active, and driven woman to look for a foreign husband and leave her home country, friends, and family.
It is a lot harder for women to establish a career in Russia because of chauvinistic tendencies, although that has been changing in the recent years. However, most vacancies, especially in management, are considered to be a better fit for men. Gender requirement is not considered discriminatory in Russia; women get paid less and have far fewer chances for career advancement. Women who make significant achievements in business have to continuously prove their worth and are constantly challenged by males in the workplace. All of these factors contribute to Russian women not being overly zealous to build grand careers unlike Western women. However, Russian women are generally very hard working, and if they have to work, they will put their best effort to it.
Russian Allure Page 17
