by R. J. Groves
James was next: “Emma.”
Then Alice again: “Aimee.”
This wasn’t a surprise since the two of us were often told that we’re the fittest, fastest, and simply the best girl players of any sport, particularly soccer, that this school had. So, unless one of us got captain and was the first to choose in an all-girl’s game, we always ended up on opposite teams.
“Kane.”
Pain shot through my chest. There was no chance that he would end up on the same team as me. How could he even be here, playing this sport on this field with my group? I could feel the heat radiating from his body as he stood behind me, my body shaking. I wasn’t paying any attention to who ended up on what team. All I knew was that both Aimee and Renée were chosen for Alice’s team, and I got stuck with him on James’ team.
“Okay, two laps of the oval for a warm-up,” the teacher yelled after the teams had been chosen.
No matter how hard I willed, my legs would not obey. I saw Renée and Kane running ahead of me – together. Aimee rushed over to me, grabbing my arm gently.
“Are you all right, Em?” she asked.
I looked at my best friend, one of the few people I knew I could not live without. Someone I knew was going to be with me through every course I took, every up and every down. Someone who would be there to make me laugh, to be a shoulder to cry on. I couldn’t wreck this day for her.
“I’ll be fine,” I said, hoping that the more I said it, the more likely it would be true. “Thanks, Aimee.”
With that, we both started running to catch up with the rest of the group, becoming the head of the stampede before the end of the first lap.
The whistle blew.
Immediately, the soccer ball was passed to me. I began running the ball down the field, Aimee trying to get it off me. We both laughed as we provided equal competition for each other. Skilfully, I turned to her side, dribbling the ball around her. She let out a moan of frustration as she chased after me.
“Damn it, Emma! Give me the ball! You’re going to lose it!”
Ouch. I quickly glanced at who said it, even though I already knew. Kane was running within passing range to my side.
“Not this time,” I muttered, kicking the ball with absolute force, scoring our team a goal.
Every time the ball was passed to me, with Aimee trying to steal it, I ran it down the field and scored a goal. And before each goal, he said the same thing: “You’re not going to make it! Pass me the ball!” But I wouldn’t, and I wasn’t planning to.
Once again, I had the ball, Aimee attempting to steal it. After getting past her again, something – rather, someone – skidded towards me, knocking my feet out from under me. I looked up in time to see Kane jump to his feet, run the ball down to the goal and shoot. Our team rejoiced. He got a goal. But not only did he get a goal, he also stole it from me – his teammate! I couldn’t take it. I ran towards where he was slowly walking back, a huge grin plastered on his face.
“What the heck were you thinking?” I yelled at him.
“I was thinking that you were being a ball-hog and should let someone other than yourself score a goal for once!” he yelled back.
“That’s not the point!” I threw my arms in the air. “You stole the ball from me – I did not pass it to you!”
“You weren’t going to!” he retorted. “I was free and I was calling to you to pass the ball to me and you completely ignored me!”
I could feel my body shaking now.
“There was a reason for that,” I said through gritted teeth.
Realisation crossed his face. I guessed he figured that I was, in a way, mildly getting him back for what he did to me.
“Oh, and don’t you care about what happened between us?” I added. “Did that just never happen? Do you honestly think that everything is just like nothing happened – that I’ve forgotten about it already?”
“Emma, you know I care–” he started.
“Do I? Do I really?” I continued. “It certainly doesn’t look like you do when you’re off flirting with the new girl.”
Instantly, I regretted saying this. Not because he looked surprised or in any way hurt by this, but because I heatedly referred to Renée as “the new girl” and announced it for all to hear with her standing no more than ten metres away from us. He was silent for a moment. It was then I realised that everyone – including our teacher – was standing still, watching our argument. I flushed red, my body shaking all over. I turned back to look at him; he had noticed everyone was watching us too, and remained silent.
I felt tears welling up. I looked to where Aimee was and started to run in the direction of the girl’s bathroom. At this exact moment, I was too upset, too hurt, to know exactly where they were, but I continued running in the direction I knew they would be. Eventually, I found the girl’s bathroom and, as I rushed to the end cubicle, I realised that I had become one of those girls. The girls who get upset at school and the first place they go is to the girl’s bathroom to lock themselves up in the end cubicle and cry. I never thought that I would be doing that. But I was. Sitting in the end cubicle crying – just like them.
“Emma, please?” Aimee was standing just outside the cubicle I was crying in, leaning against the door.
Even though she was my best friend, I stuffed up again and, as I thought before, I still didn’t want to completely ruin this day for her. I couldn’t reply to Aimee without being interrupted by sobs. Even though I could barely understand what I was saying, I knew that she could. She always knows what I say and she often knows what I’m thinking. I heard the bathroom door open gently.
“Is she okay?”
I recognised the voice immediately. The voice that, you would expect, should hate me by now but was, instead, the voice that was asking how I was.
“Emma, are you all right?” Renée sounded worried.
This confused me. Why should she be worried when I said that about her? Especially after I’d made it so clear that I was talking about her. I saw the look on her face after I said what I did – hurt, rejection – but here she was, acting like I didn’t hurt her at all, like it didn’t matter. I bit my lip as I held in another sob, fresh tears falling down my cheek. I saw Aimee’s shadow move away from my cubicle door and I heard her speak quietly to the girl who apparently still wanted to be my friend.
“Renée, please don’t take this the wrong way,” she said. “But I need you to go outside and continue with the game. Make sure nobody comes in here, all right? I need to talk to Emma alone.”
I was silent; my best friend, in the nicest way possible, just sent someone out of this room so that we could have privacy. I knew then that I could do nothing without the girl who is my best friend. And I knew that Aimee would always be my best friend, that we would still be inseparable even when we were elderly and in a nursing home.
“Oh.” Renée sounded disappointed for a moment. “Yes, sure, I will do that. Come and tell me if she needs anything, all right?” I heard the door close and saw Aimee’s shadow return to the cubicle door.
I bet you can’t wait to get back to him, can you? I thought. Even though nobody could hear, I knew that it was harsh. But I also knew it to be true. Aimee returned to try and persuade me to open the cubicle door.
“Emma, come on! Please open the door,” she said.
I pulled myself together enough to assure her that I was still alive and capable of talking.
“Aimee, I’m fine. Just go have fun. Don’t worry about me,” I sobbed.
She sighed and, when she spoke again, Aimee’s voice was firm and desperate.
“Emma you’re my best friend!” she said, frustration in her voice. “I can’t not worry about you, and I’m not leaving, so just open this damn door!”
“What if I don’t?” I said.
I knew that I was too upset, and she was too worried, for either of us to find any humour in this.
“Emma,” she said seriously. “If you don’t open up right now, I
am going to either climb over it, or crawl under it. It’s your choice. But either way, you are going to have to put up with me.”
I knew she wasn’t joking. It was something that she would do – that both of us would do – just to comfort the person behind these dull green doors. Sighing, I opened the door and, without saying anything, she pulled me close to her, her arms around me, holding me tight while I cried on her shoulder. This was the girl who is my best friend. The one person who was and always would be there for me whenever I needed it.
We stayed like that for who knew how long. But for that moment of my best friend comforting me – the moment of silence despite my uncontrollable sobs – time had no part in my life. It’s moments like those that have been imprinted in my life.
The memories that, when everything else was gone, would stick with me forever.
Chapter 3
Without trust, it’s impossible to hurt.
I bolted upright. Once again, I had remembered the words he said. What he did to me, along with what he had been doing the past week and what he said to me the day before. I felt damp from a mixture of sweat and tears, exhausted from the same thing happening every night since the breakup. It started off with me waking up five or so times each night to now only waking up once or twice. Was I finally getting over him?
I sighed, dropping back onto my bed, glancing at my alarm clock in doing so – 5:26am. I was going to meet up with Aimee later for our usual Saturday tradition. I tried to get some more sleep, but laying under all the blankets that were on my bed and already being covered with sweat made me feel like I was in a sauna. I crept out of bed and walked quietly over to the window, forcing it open as soon as it was within arms’ length. It took a little bit of effort to push it open, but that could just be because I was already exhausted from the taunting nightmare.
The breeze that soon filled my room was beautiful, refreshing. I stood motionless in front of the open window, my eyes closed. I thought about where I would go if I had the choice to go anywhere, just to get away from this mess. I would go to the beach. Yes – the beach at sunrise, when no one was there. I would sit at the water’s edge alone, my feet immersed in the cool water itself. I would have my eyes closed and would feel the swift wind jostle my straight brunette hair. I would hear the waves crashing against nearby rocks and feel the gentle cool spray against my legs. The scent of the salted waters would surf the breeze, filling me with rejuvenation and enveloping me in a sweet entrancement. I wouldn’t need warm clothing. Despite the coolness of the wind and the waves, the sun would be rising and refreshing, sending its loving beams of light and warmth to settle upon my skin and be absorbed by the soft light sand around me. Nearby, I would hear seagulls calling. In the distance, I would hear marine life splashing, showing off. Yes, this is where I would go. This is where I wanted to be.
Another gust of wind burst through my window – how nice it felt against my sticky hot skin – rustling papers behind me. I felt compelled to know what papers were thrown across my room, whether they were newsletters from school, notes to myself reminding me of plans, my assignments, or just plain paper from my printer. Out of curiosity I turned around, only to notice a trail of small, palm-sized notes spread across my bedroom floor. Another gust of wind blew in through the open window, scattering the notes even more, gathering more from the collection under my bed and blowing one of the neatly folded, yet worn, notes against my left foot. I was shaking – I knew what they were, but I felt like I wasn’t controlling myself, that I couldn’t stop what I had already begun to do. I gave in, kneeling down on the cool floor, the note in my hand. Hesitantly, I opened it.
My dearest Emma,
I know that we are sitting right next to each other right now, but I needed to talk to you and Mr. C. isn’t exactly lenient today.
Wow, I always thought you were beautiful, but – looking at you right now – it was definitely an understatement. You are beyond beautiful. Your brown, silky smooth hair. Your bright ocean-blue eyes. Your AMAZING smile. I can’t help but think I’m dreaming. I love you.
Yours always, Kane.
A tear rolled down my cheek, my body heaving as another gust of wind blew another neatly folded note towards me from the collection under the bed. The memory still embedded in my mind, I carefully picked up the next note.
Baby, you know I love you. I would never – I repeat: NEVER – let anything or anyone hurt you. Don’t ever think that I would just stand aside and let them hurt you. No, they would have to get through me first. And we all know how hard that would be. I love you.
΅ ΅ ΅
While I sat comfortably on the grass under the only tree in our front yard, I let my mind wander, allowing the fading sunshine to soak into my pale skin and the light breeze to tousle my hair. I held the novel I was currently reading delicately in my hands and stared absentmindedly at the one fluffy cloud that passed over our house. Maybe moving here was the best thing we’d done in long time. I was still debating internally whether Leverand High was the best choice, but it was the closest and most convenient school that offered my classes.
It was only going to be a matter of time before we would move again, I knew it. We’d always been like that. We grew to know that, for us, becoming too comfortable in any one place would only make the separation harder. My parents even wondered why my brother, Fayne, moved with us this time. He was happy at the last place. He had friends, a good job, was finally of age to go out on his own, and rarely thought of the possibility of moving from there. I smiled at one of my last memories there.
~x o x~
“Pack your bags – we’re moving!” My dad’s voice echoed down our hallway, reaching my brother’s room where he and I were sitting.
Fayne and I looked at each other and smiled. I wasn’t happy here, and moving would mean a new beginning. For Fayne, it simply meant another adventure.
I rushed to my room as my brother bounced off his bed and started pulling out his clothes and throwing them onto it. While I pulled out a suitcase from under my bed and began to pack my clothes, I heard mumbling from my brother’s room next to mine. Out of curiosity, I walked quietly to his room and leant on the doorframe, watching him having a conversation with our mum.
“Sweetie, are you sure you want to come? You’re so happy here,” she said.
He went to his wardrobe and pulled out all of his shirts and started packing them into a suitcase. I caught his gaze as he began folding a fluoro-green T-shirt, and I returned a smile with almost as much eagerness as his.
“Mum, I’m not going to be happy here when my family lives over three hundred kilometres away,” he replied simply, receiving a pat on the face from our mother.
She turned, smiling, our excitement being reflected in her eyes as she left the room to go pack her own things. I walked over to my brother, picked up his singlets and began folding them neatly to put in his suitcase.
“So, you’d miss us, hey?” I asked, nudging him.
“Oh, Née,” he said, poking his tongue out. “I’m not going to have my little sis starting fresh without me now, am I?”
“I just thought you’d be tired of moving. You’ve done it a bit more than I have.” I shrugged.
He put his arm around me and held me close to him.
“Née,” he started. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t go. Mostly because you’re my best friend and I’d miss you, but also because you’re bound to need me there for you and I don’t fancy travelling back and forth.”
He kissed my forehead and urged me on to my room to finish packing.
~x o x~
I blinked my eyes and let out a laugh as the memory found its place in my head, my heart, once again. I brushed the blades of grass, which I subconsciously picked for the duration of my flashback, off my legs just as my brother drove his car into the driveway and walked over to me.
“So, I guess you have officially survived your first week,” he joked, stopping in front of me.
I smiled a t
oothy grin and rolled my eyes.
“Only just,” I replied.
He sighed.
“Yeah, well, I have dinner in the car, so come inside and eat,” he said, stretching out his hand to help me up.
΅ ΅ ΅
Why was I doing this to myself? Why did I continue to provoke the hurt, the pain? By this time, I could barely even kneel, let alone stand. I stretched my arm in the direction I knew my mobile was. I flicked through the contacts, a searing pain racing through me, finally reaching the person I needed with me right now. I pressed dial.
Ring.
My vision was cloudy, my face was wet, and I could almost hear my tears falling from my face and landing on the hard, wooden floor beneath me.
Ring.
I was shaking uncontrollably, the two notes scrunched in my hand, my knuckles white.
Silence.
I could feel my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands while I tried to control myself.
“Hello?”
Finally. The voice was tired, and it sounded like she’d just woken up.
“Aimee–” I gasped, my tears choking my voice.
Beep.
She was gone. No one was on the other end of this call anymore. My body was still heaving. Now I was laying on the floor, tears streaming down my face, my hands clutching tightly but not letting go of the two notes that refreshed the pain and had torn apart the stitches that kept my heart together.
My question was answered. No, I wasn’t over him. Not yet. Not anytime soon. And if everything continued like this, I never would be.
~x o x~
I leaned back against the tree that we liked to call ours, my hands delicately placed in his. The moment seemed to be so perfect, so fresh and innocent, just like it was when we first started dating. Everything seemed so simple – being with him, standing next to him, smiling with him, needing him. Any challenge and difficulty stood no chance when I felt like this. I pulled him closer to me so that our faces were only inches apart.
“So, what did you want to do so much today that couldn’t wait until tomorrow?” I teased.
