by Anna Jacobs
He screwed up the piece of paper suddenly and hurled it across the room. But after staring at it for a moment or two, he sighed and went across to retrieve it, smoothing it out.
He had to force himself to tear open the envelope from Mr Kieran, and what he read made him groan.
My dear Fergus,
My wife and I were very sorry to hear of your loss, and will pray for you and your family.
Of course Bram will help you get to Australia. In fact, he’ll be thrilled to pieces about it.
Don’t think you’ll be imposing on him. He’s doing well and can easily afford your fares – all your fares. As I told you before, it’s his greatest dream to reunite as many family members as possible in Australia.
Your letter was very timely, as there was a ship about to sail with the post, so I sent off a letter to suggest Bram gets permission from the Governor to sponsor you and your parents-in-law in the Swan River Colony. I doubt there will be any problem about that, as he will be able to offer you a job and accommodation.
As it happens, my wife and I are visiting friends in England after Christmas and will be travelling there next week, weather permitting. It’ll only mean a small detour to come and see you. Swindon is easy to reach by rail.
We can arrange things so much more satisfactorily in person, and you’ll be able to ask any questions you like. My wife and I have learned a fair bit about the west coast of Australia, because one of my neighbours went over and married a young woman who had lived there for a few years.
Expect us on Thursday afternoon of next week.
Yours sincerely,
Kieran Largan
Dear heaven, what have those women done to me? Fergus thought. For a few moments he couldn’t move, could only sit trying to come to terms with all this. Things were changing so fast. Too fast.
Did he really want to go to Australia? Sometimes he thought he did, other times he just wanted life to carry on here, because he enjoyed his job. He loved working with machinery, got on well with the other men and had the respect of the engineers who were in charge of his work. If he stayed, he could be a foreman one day.
But still, Australia might be exciting and he might find something more interesting to do there, instead of always helping the engineers, when he knew more about machinery than some of them did. Surely they’d be short of good engineers on the railways out there?
He flexed his hands and looked down at them. They seemed to understand machines before his brain did.
He paused in his thoughts, shocked to realise he was coming round to the idea of emigrating. He wasn’t coming round to the thought of Bram paying for him to get there, though, and he never would.
He read the letter again, slowly, carefully.
He thought hard. He knew that if they went, they’d have to sail round the world on a great ocean-going steamship. A tiny shiver of excitement crept down his back at the thought of that. The engine would be far more powerful than a railway locomotive. Would the ship’s engineers let him see it, would they talk to him about how it worked?
He very much wanted to make a better life for his boys, and they said you could do that in the colonies. He’d do anything for them, even accept his brother’s charity.
Belatedly, he added in his mind: a better life for his daughter too … if she survived. Niamh was still very tiny. He couldn’t help noticing that, however much he tried not to look at her. She seemed more rosy these days but you never knew with babies. Their lives could be snuffed out in a blink of the eye.
So could anyone’s life.
He heard the front door open and close, and Patrick’s voice calling out that he was home. Fortunately for him, his father-in-law went straight through into the kitchen and didn’t come into the front room at all.
Fergus felt as if he needed more time to think, so stayed where he was, wondering if he could do it.
He reread the letter, almost knowing it by heart now, and admitted to himself that Mr Kieran seemed happy enough about the request. He’d said Bram would be glad to see his brother. Fergus let out a disbelieving snort at that. They’d never been close before. Why should they be now?
He wasn’t sure how long he sat lost in thought, but eventually there was a tap on the door and his mother-in-law peeped in.
‘Are you all right, son?’
‘What? Oh yes. Just having a bit of a think.’
She came fully into the room. ‘I’m sorry if we’ve upset you, Fergus darlin’. We thought only to spare you the pain of recounting your losses and describing your present situation. You looked so upset when you tried to write that letter.’
How could he be angry with this kind woman? He forced a smile. Well, he hoped it was a smile, though it didn’t feel like much of one. ‘I’m just … surprised. And you’ll be surprised too when you hear what’s in the letter. Mr Kieran is coming to see us, coming here to Swindon, next week. See for yourself.’
He held out the letter, then remembered that she couldn’t read. ‘Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’ll read it to you, shall I?’
‘Please. Only, could we do that in the kitchen? My Patrick will want to hear it and … Cara is part of it, because when we go, she’ll be out of work, poor thing, so we shouldn’t leave her wondering.’
‘Very well. But if you can make me a fresh cup of tea first, I’d be grateful. I’m parched. Give me another minute or two to pull myself together.’
She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then left, calling to the boys to come down and join them.
When he was alone, he checked his appearance in the mirror. It was the first time he’d really looked at himself since Eileen died. He looked terrible. His hair needed trimming and he was gaunt. He’d have to ask Ma to cut his hair for him. No, he’d go to the barber, get it done properly. And he’d make sure he ate better from now on, even if he had to force food down, which he probably would, because he seemed to have completely lost his appetite.
When he went into the kitchen, they were all waiting for him, Alana and Patrick sitting at the table, the boys standing on either side of them.
Cara was in the background, as usual, feeding the baby under the cover of a shawl. She looked sad and worried, poor thing. She’d had a hard time during the past year, and all in vain because her baby had died. Yet she’d saved his daughter’s life. He owed her a lot for that. Hadn’t even told her how grateful he was.
He accepted a cup of tea and took out the letter, reading it aloud to them slowly.
‘Could you read the letter my Alana sent to Mr Kieran?’ Pa asked.
‘Didn’t they show it to you?’
‘No.’ He patted his wife’s hand. ‘And I’m glad, because I didn’t like sending it behind your back.’
This support made Fergus feel a little bit better. He smoothed out the crumpled copy of the letter, relieved that Ma didn’t comment on its state.
All Cara’s attention seemed to be on the baby, but he’d bet she was listening carefully. He wondered suddenly who would look after the baby while they travelled. There were the two lads to see to as well, and he couldn’t leave everything to Ma.
It was hard not having a wife to rely on for that sort of thing.
Taking a deep breath he started to read the letter, but his voice became choked with tears and he couldn’t get past the first two lines.
‘Let Cara read it. She’s got a lovely voice, so she has.’
Before he could do anything, Ma had taken it out of his hands and handed it to Cara.
He listened as the young woman read the letter again. Ma was right. Cara did have a lovely voice. For the first time it registered with him that it was an educated voice. He studied her as he’d never done before. This was no woman of his class. This was … a lady. He blinked in surprise as the realisation sank in.
When Cara had finished reading the letter, Pa asked her to read it all again, then nodded. ‘I’ve got it fixed in my mind now, thank you, dear. You said it very well. Don’t you think so, Fergus lad?
And doesn’t she read well?’
‘Yes. Very well.’
Pa smiled at Cara. ‘Would you read the reply again now, please?’
‘Just let me move Niamh.’ Blushing, she moved the baby to the other breast, trying to preserve her modesty.
The baby began fussing, not settling down quickly, so Fergus took Mr Kieran’s letter and read it aloud. He wasn’t as good at reading as Cara was, but he was damned if he’d hide behind her skirts about this.
When he’d finished, Pa again asked for a third reading, so Fergus tried to contain his impatience and did as he was asked. He’d noticed before that people who couldn’t read often had excellent memories and he’d bet Pa could now repeat the letter, almost word perfectly.
He waited for comments and got them quickly enough.
‘They’re coming here!’ Ma exclaimed. ‘Gentry are coming to visit us here? Oh, dear heaven, we’ve got to clean the place from top to bottom.’
‘It is clean, woman,’ Pa growled. ‘And anyway, they’re not coming to examine the house but to speak to our Fergus.’
Ma looked at her son-in-law doubtfully. He hadn’t made any comments. What was he thinking? ‘Your brother Bram sounds very kind, wanting to help his family like that.’
‘Oh, yes. He’s a perfect fellow, Bram is. Everyone likes him.’
His tone was so sarcastic, she looked at him in surprise. ‘Do you dislike him?’
Fergus sighed. ‘No. Of course not. It’s just, well, we aren’t close. When I look back, it seems we were always trying to outdo one another when we were young. I’m taller than him, and I sing a lot better. He’s cleverer than me with the reading and writing. Or at least he was when we were lads. I’ve probably caught up with him now.’
But it was Bram who’d won the battle to build a good life, well and truly won it.
‘Things will have changed between you,’ Ma assured him quietly. ‘You’ve both grown up, faced problems, had your sorrows. You may find you get on really well now. And even if you don’t become close, he’ll still help you, because you’re family. That means so much.’
‘He’ll be helping you and Pa as well, even though he may not realise it till Mr Kieran’s letter reaches him. I hope Bram won’t mind that.’ Fergus shrugged his shoulders. ‘Ah well, I’m hungry. Let’s get our meal.’ That would shut everyone up, he hoped.
Cara stood up. ‘I’ll put Niamh down and help you, Mrs Grady.’
Ma looked at her closely. ‘Are you all right, dear? I know you’re worrying about your future, but I’m sure we won’t be leaving for a while. Well, we can’t, because Niamh will still need feeding. And we’ll help you find another job before we go. We won’t leave you in the lurch, not after you’ve saved our baby’s life.’
Fergus hadn’t seriously considered how Cara would manage after they left. He hadn’t been thinking clearly about anything much, except doing his job, getting through the funeral and keeping an eye on his boys. Now, he felt like a man just starting to wake up on a cold and wintry morning, a man who didn’t want to get out of bed but had to.
He watched the two women get the meal on the table. He watched Pa sit holding the baby, beaming down at her. And his eyes kept going back to Cara. He couldn’t help noticing how pretty she was. Not just pretty, elegant, even in her shabby, worn clothes, hair of a near auburn shade, blue-grey eyes that looked out at the world with intelligence. She wouldn’t bore her husband with foolish talk. She was wearing one of Eileen’s dresses. He remembered Ma giving it to Cara, saying it was warmer than her own thin, shabby garments. He recognised the dress, but it didn’t look the same on her. The garish trimming was gone. Cara must have altered it. He didn’t think it’d had a frill round the bottom before, either, but she was taller than Eileen.
He smiled faintly. That was the sort of structural detail he noticed. He didn’t know whether a dress was fashionable, didn’t really care, but he noticed how its parts were put together.
The front of the dress looked clean, as if it had just been washed. Eileen had always spilled food down her clothes, or torn them in her hurry to do something. She’d never looked neat, not even on their wedding day. It had amused him then, but later it had irritated him.
Why was a woman as pretty as Cara, an educated woman who could write as neatly as any schoolteacher, acting as a wet nurse to his daughter? He tried to remember what the midwife had told him, but he couldn’t. He hadn’t really taken it in. At the time, he’d been raw with guilt and anguish.
He’d have to ask his mother-in-law to remind him about the details.
He saw Cara smile across the room at the baby, a quick fond look. His baby daughter. She might have been the infant’s proud mother.
He hadn’t even picked Niamh up yet, didn’t really want to touch her, but he was glad the child had someone to care about her.
The thought came to him again: who’d care for Niamh while they travelled to Australia? And after they got there?
Ma was a bit old to be looking after two lively lads and a babe in arms, and what did he know about caring for a baby?
It was a good thing Niamh had Cara to love her. Maybe … he cut off that thought. It was too soon for thoughts like that.
But it wouldn’t go away.
On the day before the visit from Mr Kieran and his wife, Pa said to his son-in-law, ‘I need to speak to you, lad.’
Ma looked at them both sharply from across the room, but didn’t say anything as Pa led the way into the front room.
‘I’ve been thinking about what will happen to Cara after we leave,’ Pa said abruptly. ‘I’ve grown fond of that lass and without her help, we’d have lost our darling Niamh.’
Fergus wondered where this was leading. His father-in-law was a quiet sort of man, but when he got an idea in his mind, he didn’t let it go.
‘You never go near that baby of yours.’
Fergus stiffened.
‘So I reckon you should marry Cara, then the baby will have someone to love her and you’ll have someone to care for your daughter.’ His voice became scornful. ‘You won’t ever need to touch Niamh then.’
It took a moment for the suggestion to sink in. ‘You think I should marry Cara?’
‘Yes. It’d solve a lot of problems, that would.’
‘Pa, I hardly know the woman!’
‘You know her well enough. You’ve been living with her for weeks.’
‘I’ve hardly spoken a word to her, and anyway, a woman like her wouldn’t marry an uneducated fellow like me.’
‘Oh, she’d marry you all right. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.’
Fergus was shocked. ‘I’ve never said anything to make her expect—’
‘She doesn’t expect anything. When she came here, she’d lost hope, was a poor, sad creature. But she’s pulled herself together now. And though she was brought up by people with more money than us, she’s not proud. I don’t think she’s had a lot of love in her life. She and my Alana have grown really fond of one another. I’m fond of Cara too.’
‘But … I have no desire whatsoever to remarry.’
‘Then why did you promise my Eileen you’d wed within the year?’
Fergus couldn’t answer that. He’d always prided himself on being a man who kept his word, but lately he hardly knew himself.
‘Are you going to break every promise you made to my dying daughter? If we hadn’t pushed you, you’d not even be thinking of going to Australia, either.’
Fergus felt anger rise in him at this interference, then he saw his father-in-law brush away a tear and his anger began to subside as quickly as it had risen.
Pa continued to look at him, just looked, steadily, saying nothing more. He’d made his point, was leaving it to sink in.
Fergus opened his mouth to reply, then shut it tightly. He went across to stare out of the window. After a minute or two he managed to say, ‘I don’t know what to say … or do.’
He heard Pa follow him across the room and when the older
man put one hand on his shoulder, he raised his own to cover it. ‘I know you mean well, Pa.’
‘I do. I care about you, lad. You’re like a son to me, a true son. But I care about that baby too. She needs a mother, and as far as she’s concerned, Cara is her mother. Niamh will fret for her if they’re taken from one another … and Cara will fret for the child, too. She loves that baby as if Niamh were her own blood. She went out to that farmer’s field the other day, because she had to see where her own baby was buried. She came back looking calmer and Alana says the first thing she did was pick up Niamh and cuddle her.’
Fergus couldn’t find any words, was still shocked to the core by his father-in-law’s suggestion.
Patrick moved away from him. ‘I’ll leave you to think about it. We don’t need to rush into anything, but me and Alana would be very happy if you married Cara. Nothing will bring Eileen back, but we want the best for our only granddaughter.’
Fergus heard the door close and leaned his forehead against the window pane. The chill of the glass was soothing to his aching head.
He couldn’t believe his father-in-law had suggested he marry Cara. And so soon after Eileen’s death.
He couldn’t do that … could he?
No, of course he couldn’t.
Even if he asked Cara, she’d likely turn him down. Why would a lady born and bred, however poor she was now, want to tie herself for life to a rough fellow like him? Why would he want to risk her scorn by even asking her?
But she did seem to love Niamh, and she got on well with Ma and Pa.
No, what was he thinking of?
4
Cara helped Ma get the house ready for their visitors, of whom Ma seemed terrified.
‘They’re coming to help you, so they must be kind people,’ Cara told her several times.
‘But if they don’t think we’re worth helping, what shall we do then? I’ve got my heart set on going to Australia, Cara. I need a new start.’
‘I know. And I’m sure they won’t change their minds about helping you.’
On the day, Cara did the older woman’s hair and then tried to smarten herself up a little. But the blue bodice and skirt looked what they were – shabby and too tight across the breast – even though the outfit was the best she had, of a much better quality than Eileen’s clothes.
