by Selena Kitt
‘Stay away from me!’ She stretches her hand out in front of her. Her wild eyes are hard with anger.
‘What’s happened? Are you OK? Are you hurt?’ I move a step closer.
‘I. Said. Stay. Away.’ She pronounces each word slowly and coldly, and it freezes me in my tracks.
Thoughts process through my mind at a hundred miles an hour. Has Theo’s dad come back and threatened her? Has there been a robbery while I’ve been gone? Is it another panic attack? Something worse?
‘Grace! Tell me what’s happened?’ I run a hand over my hair, feeling helpless.
She narrows her eyes. ‘What did you do, Ben?’
I frown. ‘I don’t understand. What do you—’
‘What did you do!’ she yells, her eyes emanating pure venom. ‘Tell me what you did! You killed someone!’
Her words knock the breath out of me. My guts clench with icy fear.
She knows. Somehow, she knows.
This is it. The end of everything important to me. Everything that’s good in my life. I can’t escape the truth anymore. My world’s about to implode, and I can’t do a damned thing about it.
‘I’ll tell you, Grace, but will you please let me hold your hand?’ I plead, tears pricking my eyes. After this, it’s over, and I have to touch her one last time.
‘No.’ She glares at me, the anger and hurt flashing in her eyes. ‘Just fucking tell me!’ The hatred in her voice just about breaks me in two, her words suffocating me.
I slump onto a chair in front of the counter. The same chair I sat in when I first started working here, after worming my way into her life. I thought I was helping her, but I got it so wrong.
So sickeningly wrong.
I shouldn’t have got involved like this. Knew it was crazy. Breaking all the promises and rules I’d made myself, but I couldn’t help it. There was something about her. Something I just couldn’t stay away from. I loved her from the beginning, even before I could put a name on it. Even before I knew I was capable of it. I wanted to be worthy of her. Tried desperately to be, but deep down I knew it would never happen. The time we’ve spent together has been the best time of my life. Ever. And all I’ll have now are the memories.
‘Please believe me, Grace. I never meant to hurt you.’ I stare at my hands but don’t really see them. Instead, I see the images in my head. Think how I can possibly explain this. There’s no easy way, but I can’t avoid it any longer.
‘Just. Fucking. Tell. Me!’
So I take a deep breath for courage as the words tremble on my tongue. Then I tell her everything I’ve been trying so hard to forget.
‘When I told you about Mia, I didn’t tell you the whole story. After she was raped, I was so fucking angry. Since she didn’t want me to tell anyone about it, I kept it all inside. I felt useless. Pathetic. Like I could’ve done something to protect her. I failed her, Grace.’ I sink my head in my hands and close my eyes, seeing Mia’s face. ‘She told me who the bastard was. He was in her class at uni. He’d been to our house when they were doing some studying together. At first, I wanted to kill him. I was so angry I wanted to kick the shit out of him. But I didn’t. I let it fester away inside, not knowing what to do. I tried to get Mia to talk to someone, and she wouldn’t. I tried everything I knew how. And then she finally couldn’t cope with the guilt and shame anymore.’ Tears slide down my cheeks now. I can’t hold them in any longer. Don’t even have the energy to try. ‘After she killed herself, it made me realize I’d failed her a second time. I couldn’t change her mind about how she felt. I couldn’t get her through it. I watched her slip away from me, and I couldn’t stop it.’
Grace sniffs. She’s crying, too. ‘So what happened?’ Her cold voice sounds like she’s a long way off. A million miles away from me.
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands. ‘I lost the plot for a while. I trained for fights like a mad man. I wanted to exhaust myself so I could sleep and not feel anything. Not think about anything. And when that didn’t work, I started drinking. Six months after Mia died, I was in a pub near where we lived with some mates. I was pretty drunk. On the way home, they left me to stop at a kebab shop, and I carried on walking. That’s when I saw him. The fucker who’d done this to her.’ My jaw trembles.
‘Oh my God,’ Grace says in the darkness.
‘I tried to ignore him. I tried my hardest, because I knew what would happen if I didn’t. I kept my hands in my pockets so I couldn’t lash out like I wanted to. But he obviously knew who I was. He’d seen me at the house. He walked towards me with this cocky swagger and said something as I walked past.’ I stare at the ceiling as the memories replay in my head in slow motion. ‘I didn’t hear what he said, but I turned around and asked him to repeat it.’ I still hear those words ringing in my ears, see his remorseless face twist with arrogance. ‘He said, “She’s a horny little thing, your sister, isn’t she? She was begging for it.”
‘I couldn’t hold back any more. I swung around and punched him. One punch, that was all it was. My fist reacted before my brain could tell it not to. It was one second where I snapped and lost control. One moment of impact when I stopped being Ben and became a killer. Yes, I hated him. And if I said I hadn’t dreamt about kicking the shit out of him for what he’d done, then I’d be lying, but I never would have done it. And I didn’t even get as far as kicking the shit out of him. In the end it was just one punch.’ I shake my head, trying to clear the picture swimming before my eyes. ‘He landed wrong. Hit the kerb with his head. It was a fluke punch. He died, Grace, I killed him. I was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and served three years inside and two years probation.’
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Grace
I wrap my arms round myself to try to control the shaking. My head screams, He killed someone. He could hurt you, too. He’s violent. Dangerous. Just like Theo!
‘You lied to me,’ I shout, shaking my head with disbelief as the tears stream down my face. ‘I was completely honest with you. I bared my soul to you. My deepest, darkest secrets. You knew things about me no one else knew, and you lied to me!’
He stands, his shoulders drooping. The tears in his eyes match mine. ‘I’m so sorry, Grace. I knew what would happen if I told you. I couldn’t bear for you to look at me the way you’re looking at me now. I knew you’d leave me.’
‘Well, you took any choice away from me, didn’t you? Just like Theo did.’
He takes a step back as if I’ve physically hit him.
‘You need to get out,’ I scream. ‘I can’t be around you. You should’ve told me this in the beginning, before…’ I can’t even say the words, but I think them.
Before I fell in love with you.
‘I thought I knew you, but I don’t. I don’t know you at all,’ I spit out. ‘Everything has been a lie from the very beginning.’
He flinches.
‘What, was I just some pet project to you? Someone you could rescue to try to make yourself feel better? Some twisted experiment to try to redeem yourself for what you did? Is that what we were?’ I clench my fists at my side, my heart beating erratically.
‘No! It was never—’
‘I gave you my heart. I slept with you! After everything that happened, do you know how much it took for me to do that? I let my guard down with you because I trusted you! Do you know how that makes me feel?’ I clench my head in my hands. ‘You wormed your way into my life for some sick purpose to make yourself feel better. And it was all a charade.’
‘Not everything was a lie. Not how I feel about you. That was never a lie. You have to believe me. Please, Grace, I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I just wanted to—’
‘Believe you? How can I believe anything you say anymore?’ I hold my hand up to cut him off. ‘I can’t trust you to tell me the truth. Just get out, Ben!’ My voice comes out hard as steel, like a lethal punch.
A guttural cry rumbles deep within him, and I see the raw pain in his eyes. He’s still. So sti
ll, it’s as if the life has been sucked right out of him. ‘Grace—’
‘Just go!’ I’m suddenly overwhelmingly exhausted. Don’t know how much more I can take.
He hesitates, and I think for a minute he’s going to stay, make this harder, but he doesn’t.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’ His voice trembles as he gives me one last broken look. ‘None of it.’
He walks through the door, out of my life, and takes my heart with him.
My head spins. I can’t take it all in. Everything I thought he was has been a lie. He killed someone. How could he do that?
I wipe away the tears roughly and phone Lisa. I really need to talk to someone, and she’s all I have. If I don’t talk, I’m going to fall apart. Splinter into a million pieces.
She answers on the second ring. ‘Hi, Grace, are you OK? It’s a bit late.’
I take a huge sniff. ‘Is it?’ I glance at the clock. It’s ten p.m. Where did that time go? ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
Lisa must be able to hear I’ve been crying hard. My nose is bunged up, my voice croaky. ‘No, it’s OK,’ she says. ‘What’s wrong? You sound awful.’
‘I really need to talk to you.’
She doesn’t question me. Doesn’t ask why. ‘Do you want to come round?’
I grab a napkin from the table and wipe my nose. ‘Are you sure it’s not too late?’
‘No, I’ve got to give Leila a feed anyway. By the time you get here, I’ll be done, OK?’
‘Thanks, Lisa.’
‘No problem, hon. See you soon.’
I hang up and go into the toilet to wash my face, trying to get rid of the streaked mascara. By the time I lock up, my eyes are so puffy and bloodshot I can hardly see. I don’t trust myself to drive with my hands shaking so much, so I walk the few miles. Every step taking me further away from Ben and closer to who knows where.
When I get to Lisa’s, she opens the door, and her eyes widen with sympathy. ‘Oh, my God, Grace, what’s happened?’ She pulls me into a big hug. ‘Is it Ben? Have you had a row?’
‘Is Jack here?’ I take a huge sniff.
‘No, he’s on the late shift tonight. He won’t be back until about one. We’ve got the place to ourselves for a few hours, but he can give you a lift home later if you like. You don’t look in any fit state to drive.’
I nod as she pats my back. ‘I walked here.’
‘Come on.’ Lisa leads me into the lounge. ‘Do you want a drink?’
‘Yeah. Something strong.’
She gives me a worried frown. ‘I’ve got whiskey or brandy if you want that?’
‘Brandy sounds good.’ I try to muster up a smile, but it’s not working. Don’t know if it will ever work again. I kick off my shoes and sink onto the sofa, bringing my knees to my chest and hugging them.
‘Here.’ Lisa hands me a tumbler with two inches of amber liquid in it. She sits next to me, tucks her legs underneath her, and waits for me to start talking.
I swallow a large gulp. The alcohol burns my throat as I stare at the carpet, savouring the pain. ‘I was raped.’
‘Oh my God!’ Her hands fly to her cheeks. Whatever she was expecting me to say, it wasn’t that. ‘By Ben?’
‘No. It was my ex. It happened a little while before you started working at the shop.’
‘I’m so sorry that happened to you, Grace.’ She scoots closer to me and puts her arm round me. ‘I had an idea that some guy had hurt you in the past, but I didn’t know it was as bad as that. I thought maybe he’d cheated on you or something, and you were having a hard time getting over it.’
‘I couldn’t tell you then, Lisa. I hardly knew you. It’s not like you can say, “Hi, my name’s Grace. Nice to have you working here, oh, and, by the way, I was raped.” And I couldn’t even admit it or deal with it myself. I thought it was my fault, you see. And then you found out you were pregnant, and I could never put all this vileness on you.’
‘But you’re telling me now,’ she says softly, stroking my hair. ‘And you’re here late at night, upset, wanting to talk, so I’m guessing something’s happened now to change things?’
‘Ben happened.’ I swirl the brandy in my glass. ‘I was a mess after the rape. I was scared all the time. I couldn’t sleep. I had nightmares about it. The only time I felt relatively normal was at work, like I could put this mask on when I was there.’ I take a sip from the glass. Swallow slowly. ‘I wasn’t coping very well, even though I tried to hide it from the rest of the world.’
‘Well, I’d say you were pretty good at hiding it. I didn’t notice all that. God, I’m a useless friend.’ She shakes her head.
‘I wanted help. I knew I needed to talk about it all, but I just couldn’t pluck up the strength to do it. And then I met Ben when he had that car accident.’
‘Yeah, I remember.’
‘He saw me freak out with a panic attack that first day when we had the water leak in the kitchen. But instead of thinking I was a completely insane, he actually knew what it was and how to deal with it.’ I take a deep breath. ‘It was weird, considering what had happened to me, and how I didn’t want to be around men, but I trusted him almost straight away. There was something about him that felt…easy, safe, gentle.’
‘I know what you mean. He is like that.’
‘And I knew he was a counsellor, so I thought maybe he could help me. He’d already seen me freaking out. He knew I was hiding it, but he didn’t say anything. And he told me about his sister who’d been raped. He said he’d never told anyone about it before, because she didn’t want anyone to know. She killed herself afterwards because she couldn’t cope with what happened.’
‘Bloody hell.’ Lisa bites her lip. ‘We live in such a horrible world. That’s horrific.’
‘He told me that was why he became a counsellor, to try and help other rape victims, because he wasn’t able to help Mia.’
‘That sounds incredibly compassionate of him.’
I shrug. ‘So, that’s how it started. We talked, and I poured my heart out. He was supportive and gave me things to try to help me heal. He started making me change the way I thought and how I felt. He made me stronger again.’
‘He didn’t “make” you do those things. He just gave you the tools to use so you could heal yourself,’ Lisa says. ‘Like any good counsellor should.’
‘Well, either way. I was getting better because of him. He gave me the tools to get my life back, Lisa. In fact, he gave me a new life. One where it actually felt good to be alive. And then…’ I trail off and take a final swig of brandy.
‘And then you fell in love with each other?’ Lisa prompts me.
‘Yes.’
‘Do you want another drink?’ She nods to the empty glass.
‘Yes, please.’ I hand it to her.
When she returns with another measure, I cup the glass to my chest. ‘He was hiding something from me, though. When he told me what happened to his sister, he didn’t tell me the whole story.’ I take a deep breath as the weight of emotions press down on me: sadness, loss, love, betrayal, but most of all anger that everything I thought he was has been a lie.
‘What is the whole story?’ she asks.
I tell her everything Ben told me tonight. When I’m done, I put the empty glass on the floor and wipe away the tears stinging my eyes.
Her eyes shine with unshed tears, and shock is plastered all over her face. ‘If I was Ben, I would’ve wanted to kill that bastard, too!’
‘But would you, really, though? It’s a different thing, being so angry you feel like you want to kill someone, but actually doing it? That’s something else entirely.’
‘When Theo raped you, did you want to kill him? I want to kill him, now I’ve heard what you told me.’
‘No, that was the weird thing. I couldn’t get angry enough with him because I was locked into so much shame and guilt, I thought it was my fault.’
‘But Ben didn’t mean to
do it. I’d say it took an amazing amount of strength and self-control for him not to kick the shit out of him as soon as he saw him. But he didn’t. He kept walking, and it wasn’t until Mia’s rapist actually rubbed Ben’s nose in it that he snapped. Shit, Grace, it was an accident. It was one punch that went horribly wrong. A tragic accident that could happen to anyone—even you or me.’ She stands up. ‘God, I seriously need a drink now, too.’ She takes my glass into the kitchen and comes back with another brandy and a glass of red wine. I twist in the cushions so we’re facing each other, knees to knees.
‘What if there was a guy in the street mugging you,’ Lisa says, ‘and you were trying to hold onto your bag, struggling. Say you pushed him. He falls over, hits his head, and dies. Would that be your fault?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.’ I rub my hand across my forehead.
‘No, it wouldn’t be your fault. And I don’t think this is Ben’s fault, either. He didn’t mean to kill him. He was twenty years old at the time. He’d been drinking and probably wasn’t thinking straight. He was grieving for his sister and feeling guilty that he couldn’t protect her. And then her rapist gets in his face and brags about it, and he just snaps. I’m not saying what happened wasn’t horrific, but he didn’t intend to kill him. He just snapped and made a bad decision. It was a mistake that had tragic consequences.’ She puts her hand on my shoulder. ‘Grace, I’ll tell you something that I’ve only ever told Jack.’ She hesitates and swallows some wine. ‘When I was fifteen, I got pregnant and had an abortion.’
I gasp. It’s my turn to reach out with comfort now and I squeeze her hand. ‘That must’ve been so hard. I’m really sorry.’
She squeezes back. ‘So am I. I was young and stupid. It was a mistake that also had tragic consequences. A few moments in my life that meant I was never going to be the same again. But I was too young to have it. I couldn’t look after myself properly at that age, let alone a baby. So I had to make a choice. A really difficult choice, and I still think about it, especially now, when I look at Leila and it reminds me what might have been.’ She swallows a big gulp of wine. ‘There are plenty of people out there who’d say that abortion is murder. That I murdered someone, too.’
