by Selena Kitt
I hesitated. Here was my chance to back out. Maybe I could tell her I thought Adam looked suspicious, like I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him. That second half, at least, was true. But it might make Mom suspect something and I’d really prefer she not find out the truth. Beyond that, Adam would know why I’d bowed out and he’d already called me a coward once. My pride was on the line. And lastly, that curiosity beast was nipping at my thoughts, asking endless questions. Likely I’d be able to get some answers when we were alone. I shrugged noncommittally. “Sure.”
“Mia, I don’t know what’s been up with you lately, but can I ask you to put in a little extra effort with this guest? He’s a CEO for a company down in Orange County and he’s mentioned possibly doing some retreats up here for his employees. I know you don’t schmooze, but just…you know, turn on your sunny personality. I know it’s in there somewhere.”
“Yeah, sure,” I grunted, already preoccupied with what this run was going to entail.
There was no way I was going to outrun him. I’d seen him move, after all, and he was like a human cheetah. Maybe I could lose him on one of the upper trails, but Mom might get pissed at having her first cabin guest after the renovation dying of dehydration while wandering the barren hills of the Cahuilla Mountains in search of an oasis. Maybe I could get away with just pushing him into a cactus patch.
I resigned myself to the fact that I was stuck with him for the run, but that didn’t mean I had to be nice to him.
We set off along the edge of our property into the long shadows of early evening in midsummer. I had a snakebite kit strapped in a fanny pack around my waist and a six-foot, two-hundred-pound shadow clipping closely at my heels. I scooted over to the far right on the trail, hoping he’d go around and ahead. His legs were longer and his stride much bigger than mine so he’d be free to open up if he were in front.
However, having to stare at his muscular back and rear, his gorgeously cut legs in his running shorts was not my first choice either. I just needed him off my heels.
After a few beats, he moved to go around me but then matched his pace with mine. I was going at a good clip, which ended up being an easy jog for him. He wasn’t even breaking a sweat.
As soon as we were out of view of the house, I stopped, bent, and put my hands on my knees. He stopped, too, and of course he wasn’t even winded. Asshole.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
And I straightened, shooting him a death glare. “What’s wrong? How about you being here in the first place?”
He handed me his water bottle, which I waved away and his eyes took on that mischievous, calculated look of his. “I don’t suppose you’d believe it was a coincidence?”
I shook my head. “Why are you here?”
He took a long swig from his water bottle. “Can’t we at least walk while we talk?”
I dramatically swept my arms toward the path in front of us as if to sarcastically say, “After you.”
He started to walk and he again matched his pace to mine so that we walked shoulder to shoulder.
“I talked to Heath last week,” he said in answer to my question.
My fists tightened at my sides. “He needs to mind his own fucking business.”
Adam shot me a look and then focused again on the trail. We were gaining some elevation now, moving to a higher vantage point where we would be able to look down on the little valley that contained my mom’s ranch and the neighboring properties. At sunset, the sky was incomparably beautiful, all magentas and purples against the ruddy desert sand. I came up here often at this time of day to calm myself, to try and ease my troubled thoughts of the day. I’d been doing it for years. And now I was taking Adam to my special spot. The flame of irritation singed me.
“Maybe he was being a good friend. A concerned friend.”
“What has him so concerned? If he told you that I was shriveling into nothingness up here while pining away for you, then he’s a damn liar,” I said with a bit more heat and vehemence than I would have liked.
He walked for a few beats but didn’t look at me. “Not at all.”
“So what did he say to you?”
“He said that you had moved away. That you were thinking of backing out of your exam.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. Fucking Heath. He had forced this confrontation, preying on Adam’s conscience. Adam wouldn’t even have shown up if he didn’t feel responsible. “And why do you care whether or not I take the test? I thought you were through with me.”
He hesitated. “Maybe I feel responsible for your plans not going through.”
I shot him a sharp look. “Well, don’t. It’s my life, my decision.”
“So you are going to take the test?”
I hesitated, bought time by coughing into my fist. “Of course. I already paid for the damn thing and it wasn’t cheap.” It was true, after all. I’d kept pushing it off but finally decided to commit myself by sending in the registration. The date was getting closer and I still didn’t know if I’d make the trip to show up.
“Good,” he said quietly.
My chin came up. “Yeah, so now that your guilt is alleviated, you can get back to your life down there.” He was quiet, but I just couldn’t shut up. Man, I wish I had shut up. “I mean, your show of contrition is touching and all, but I’ve got other things to take care of around here rather than babysit a fake guest and get my mom’s hopes up that people are actually interested in staying here again.”
He stopped walking and turned to me, clearly insulted. “I was honestly interested in staying here and I am planning a segment hike.”
I shook my head. “You are taking a month away from work and your computer to do that?”
He shrugged. “Maybe I’m taking longer.”
I laughed in disbelief. “And maybe I’m the Queen of England.”
He shot me a heated glare and we walked in silence until he hit the summit of the trail—a ledge that overlooked the valley below us. We weren’t really high up, but high enough to get a nice view of the sunset, the high desert landscape all bathed in angry reds and oranges.
Adam stood, squinting over the canyon. I glanced up at him, memorizing his handsome face. A dry desert wind blew up here, stirring our clothing and hair. He spoke in a quiet, almost reverent voice. “So since we are going to be on the same premises together for the next few days, and for your mom’s sake, can we call a truce?”
I folded my arms. “I’ll be perfectly nice to you. Just stop trying to get me alone because we really don’t have anything to say to each other.”
“Really. Nothing at all?” he said mildly.
I shifted, hating how petty I sounded. I cleared my throat and looked down. “Except that I honestly hope that you and your family are well.”
He glanced at me and returned to admiring the view. “Thank you. They are.”
I took a deep breath and let it go. “And…I hope you do find happiness. I—I never said that before but I’ve wanted to. I hope…” and my voice died out. I wasn’t going to wish him happiness with Lindsay because, let’s face it, I wasn’t Mother Teresa. I couldn’t go that far.
He turned to me, waiting for me to say more and when I didn’t, he spoke. “Maybe I’m already happy.”
Pain seized me. I couldn’t look at him. “Then great,” I said in a tiny voice.
He turned and watched me closely. “And you?”
I shrugged. “I’m getting there.” Another long pause, then I cleared my throat. “We’d better get going. It will be dark soon.”
I turned to leave but was brought up short when he reached out for my arm to stay me. His touched burned my skin and I flinched. I turned back to him and he said, “I was serious. I took a leave of absence from the company.”
To say I was shocked was an understatement. I opened my mouth and then closed it. “For how long?”
He shrugged. “As long as it takes to prove to myself that I can do it.”
“And how
is that working out for you? Any withdrawal symptoms yet?”
He did not look amused and I realized the inappropriateness of my joke. I looked away. “There you go again, Mia,” I said. “Putting your foot in it as usual.”
He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me. The boyish vulnerability I saw there almost ripped my heart, still beating, right out of my chest.
“I’m glad you did it,” I finally said. “And I’m glad you’re happy. And…” Deep breath, curled fists. “I’m glad you’ve found someone.”
And with that, I turned and started my run. Maybe if I caught him off guard—and while running downhill, I could get far enough ahead of him that I could avoid him for the rest of the night. I soon heard his feet behind me, hitting with regular steps that matched mine.
When we finally hit the bottom of the hill and flat land, he stopped me again. We were both breathing heavily. “Are you?”
“What?”
“Are you really glad I’ve found someone?”
Hell no. I shrugged. There was no way I could answer that question in any way that would preserve my dignity.
“Emilia, I’m not with anyone.”
My breath stuttered. “Excuse me?”
“There hasn’t been anyone since you. I’m not with Lindsay.”
My head spun. “But—”
“I know it’s hard to believe because of what you saw. But I was pissed off, okay? Lindsay had come down to the complex to have lunch, but when my assistant said you were there, I was getting rid of her. I thought you’d come to talk. When I saw that package on the table, well, I wasn’t thinking straight. I did that to Lindsay to purposefully hurt you.”
My breathing hitched. “Mission accomplished, then,” I said in a falsely bright voice. But I was dizzy with the wave of relief that washed over me at that news. I almost toppled. Relief came first, then crackling anger. How many times had I replayed that scene in my mind? How many times had I pictured them together as lovers—each time sinking a knife deeper into my heart? I fought for breath, feeling close to tears again, to my utter humiliation.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, his brow creasing at my reaction.
I didn’t reply. I doubt I could have even if I’d wanted to.
“Emilia—”
And he would have reached for my arm, but I stepped away and ran all the way back to the house with him close behind. I laid it out flat—ran as fast as I could and he stayed on my heels easily.
When we stopped, I didn’t run for the door. Mia the coward would have done something like that. Instead I lingered at the front porch, glancing at the glow coming from behind the blinds in the window. It wasn’t yet dark enough for Mom to turn on the porch light so we were masked in the violet darkness of dusk.
I didn’t say anything but I didn’t move from my spot, either, still breathing heavily. In spite of the churning emotions, I liked having him here with me. It beat the hell out of that distant, empty ache. This pain was sharper, more acute, but he was here. Standing close enough that I could feel the heat radiating off of him in his sweat-soaked shirt.
He took a hesitant step toward me. God, I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to touch him. I turned my face to the side, unwilling to look into his intent eyes. “Hurting you wasn’t the only reason I did it,” he finally said in a hoarse voice.
Pain radiated in my chest whenever I breathed. “Oh?”
“I wanted to prove to myself—and you—that you cared.” He moved a step closer, reached up to run his thumb along my jaw and tilt my head toward him. I backed away and he followed until I came up against the pole that held up the overhang of the front porch. His face was inches from mine and my heart beat on every micrometer of my skin. “You do care, don’t you, Emilia?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed, trying to summon up every ounce of anger and annoyance I felt for this man. But his thumb—that tiny touch along my jaw, shifted to glide over my lips, making me crazy, awakening that deep hunger inside. I cared. Of course I fucking cared. I hadn’t been able to rip my mind away from him in the month we’d been apart from each other. He was the first thing I thought of every morning, the last every night and he slipped effortlessly into most waking thoughts during the moments between.
“I never said I didn’t care,” I finally said, lamely.
“You never said you did, either.”
My eyes found his, I shivered and he pulled his hand away. “I care,” I whispered.
His head closed the distance on mine and he pushed my head back with the force of the contact. Our mouths met, eagerly tasting each other. My body rose up to meet his, my hands clamping around his neck to hold him to me. With a low groan, he plunged his tongue into my mouth and together our tongues danced. Desire pervaded me, right to the deepest center. I wanted the touch of his mouth, his hands, his body. I wanted the words to go along with them. I wanted to know he cared.
When he reached for my waist, I pulled my head away though everything in me screamed in protest. I put my hands on his damp, hard chest. I wasn’t ready for more. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I needed time to think. Time to breathe.
He was breathing heavily again and his arousal pressed against me. I trembled. My body wanted to answer that siren’s call. Before, I’d only imagined what it could be like between us. But now, I knew exactly what kind of pleasure I could expect in his arms, his bed. It took every ounce of willpower to resist. “You only came because you felt guilty about my not taking the test,” I said.
He hesitated. “No. But it did give me the excuse.”
“Since when have you needed an excuse?”
He shook his head. “I’ve never done this before.”
My eyes held his. “I can tell.”
“Emilia—I owe you an apology for what happened at my office. It was an asshole thing to do and I knew it the minute I did it. And I am so damn sorry.”
I drew in a shivery breath. I was so confused. As usual, Hurricane Adam was stirring up this swirling force of nature around me, catching me up in high-speed winds and dangerous tidal currents. I needed to think about what he was telling me. I needed a quiet place, to be alone. I shook and his arms tightened around me when he felt it. “Good night, Adam,” I said in the quickening darkness.
He paused, then released me, stepped back with clear reluctance. “Good night,” he said in the faintest hint of a whisper.
I fumbled in through the front door on shaky legs, avoiding my mom’s inquiries about the run with a few grunts and “It went great’s.” Then I was off to curl up with a study book on my bed under a bright white reading lamp. I didn’t even pretend to study. There was no way. I immediately tossed the book to the floor and pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes, unable to get Adam’s words out of my mind.
I did care. It was true. And he knew damn well the truth of that. But how much did I care? And how much did he care?
What was this? Could it be…?
No. No, it couldn’t be because I had refused to allow it. He’d hurt me. That stunt with Lindsay had gutted me and that was what scared me most of all. I’d given him the power to do it to me. Loving someone meant giving them the power to crush you—putting the tenderest, most delicate part of yourself in the palm of someone else’s hand.
I dammed the unshed tears under my lids, berating myself for the wimpy crybaby I’d become since this had all started. He had no right to come barreling in to wreak havoc on my emotions like this. Just when I thought I might be able to sort things out. Just when I’d been trying to pull things together, become a stronger person.
He appeared to be doing the same thing with his life—forcing himself to walk away from work must have been painful. It was hard for me to imagine him without his cell phone or laptop. Why had he taken that step? Had he been as affected by our time together as I had? Were these changes in response to what I’d said to him?
I shut my eyes tight, hating this chaos swirling inside me, groping to find some semblance of order. He had no ri
ght at all to do this to me. And how was I supposed to withstand the next six days with him around?
The solution, I decided, would come in being cordial but distant. Keeping him at a distance would protect me. I’d let him get too close tonight but I wouldn’t make that mistake again. I could never allow anyone to have that kind of power over me ever again.
My resolve strengthened and with a sigh, I turned off my light, rolled to my side and lay there for the next three hours, far from sleep.
Chapter Eighteen
After breakfast—during which, mercifully, we did not speak much—Adam got into his new hybrid electric car and sped off toward Anza proper, saying he wanted to explore the town.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what could possibly keep him longer than an hour or so. Anza was a small community perched on the edge of the Cahuilla Indian Reservation. Other than rugged outdoors and the Pacific Crest Trail, which bisected town, Anza had little more to offer the casual tourist. Perhaps I’d get Mom to suggest a visit to the Anza-Borrego State Park tomorrow. That would keep him out of my hair for the entire day if he set out after breakfast.
I helped Mom clean up the breakfast dishes and she had a strange smile on her face. I asked her what was up. “Mr. Drake is a really good-looking man,” she said in answer.
I shot a wary look at her. Had she seen what had happened on the porch the night before? “Yeah, I guess so.”
“You guess so? What, are you blind? He’s, what, almost thirty or so? If he were a few years older…”
Eww. Mom had the hots for Adam? That was gross. “Mom…”
“I’m just saying. If a guy like that doesn’t get your motor running, then maybe you should go back and talk to Dr. Marbrow for a few sessions, find out what’s going on with your natural urges.”
I blew out a breath of disgust. “I refuse to talk about ‘natural urges’ with you. And don’t you dare decide to go all cougar on me, please!”
She shrugged and laughed at me. Shaking my head, I left the kitchen for the stables, ready to throw myself into my work for the day.
