by Selena Kitt
“Liar,” he responds. I pull back and look into his deep amber eyes again. So innocent and naked, I can see that now his walls are down for me. I cover his cheek in kisses, travelling down his neck. His head and shoulders twitch, trapping me, but I keep on licking and sucking on the silky skin on his neck, underneath his ear and where his neck reaches his shoulder.
A groan escapes his lips and his hands freeze on my back. He’s rigid in my arms, clinging to me tightly.
“Stop-I can’t,” he says, gasping for air.
I release my hold on him and look him in the eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“I can’t hold back,” he says, trying his best to avoid eye contact. Looks like the wall is back up.
“You don’t need to hold back.” I try, running my hand through his hair again.
“I can’t do this, not yet,” he whispers.
His statement confuses me, I hadn’t foreseen anything like this.
“You don’t have to. There’s no rush,” I say softly, trying to hide my concern. I smile at him and give him a soft peck on his lips. “You choose, whatever you want to do and when. We can take things slowly.”
Finally he looks back into my eyes. His relief is obvious. But I’m worried now. Where did I go wrong? Maybe he is still too hung up on his ex after all.
“Thanks. I’m sorry about this…” His hand reaches up to caress my cheek with the back of his fingers. “I need you to know, it’s not you. I’m just… I want things to be perfect. This is a huge step for me.”
I swallow and blink a few times, studying his face. He seems genuine. I do hope he doesn’t think I’m a slut, making myself too available to him.
“Right. Well, how about those films then…?” I try to change the topic while slipping off the bar stool. He holds me back by my arm on as I’m on my way towards the sofa.
“I mean it. It’s not you. I just never thought I’d end up here. I’m still sort of expecting that I’ll wake up alone in my own bed with a massive hangover and this will all have been a dream,” he says. “I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”
Regret, me? I shake my head in disbelief.
“Why would you fuck anything up?” I ask, eyebrows raised.
His face falls and he whispers, “I hardly know what I’m doing…”
Oh, damn. He’s nervous! That I can understand. I’m not the most confident person either; sometimes just making a simple phone call can cause me to have a mild panic attack.
“Well, you could’ve fooled me.” I smile at him.
I hand him the remote while we sit down on the sofa.
“You pick, I’ve not seen any of them yet.”
I purposely sit extra close to him, even though there is plenty of space. He presses play and the movie starts, but I’m not even sure which one it is. His warmth right next to me, the memory of our kiss, it all adds up to make me painfully aware of even the slightest movement or sound. His breathing is calmer than before, but he’s still tense, sitting straight with his hand on his thigh.
With both legs folded underneath me, I wiggle back into the plush sofa, brushing against his leg. His arm twitches and he starts to hold his breath. Then he raises his arm and puts it around me. I don’t hesitate to move closer against him and rest my head on his shoulder. I can feel him sigh. Why is he so very nervous though?
I turn towards him and upon finding his other arm, I slip my hand underneath to hold him tight. That was all the encouragement he needed. I’m engulfed in his embrace, pressing myself tightly against his chest. His heartbeat is rapid, in tune with the eerie background music of the film we’re not really watching.
I can feel his breath against my hair. It tickles slightly, putting me even more on edge. But I can be patient for him, I tell myself. With my eyes closed I try to focus on my breathing, slowly and deeply. It’s not really working…
“Why?” His voice interrupts my attempts at calming myself.
“Why what?” I ask.
“This. You, me…” he hesitates.
“I don’t understand. Why not?” I respond.
“I just never had anyone interested in me like that before…” he says, his voice trembling slightly.
“I thought… What about your ex?” I ask, even though I know the answer. I worry that it would be too embarrassing to reveal that I already heard that story from the girls in the office.
“She lied.” He swallows hard. “She never even kissed me once like you have. I should’ve seen it but I just thought it was all I could hope for. When she left, she told me it was all just pretend. Then, I’ve already told you about her and my brother… When she left, I thought I’d lost my only chance to be with someone.”
“That’s why you’ve been upset, even before you found out about them,” I say, holding him tighter.
“Initially. Until you came along and then I couldn’t stop wondering, what if…” His voice is almost a whisper now. His gentle kisses burn through my hair, on top of my head and neck.
“She must be crazy,” I say. I lift my head and am overwhelmed by the sadness in his eyes.
“How could she do that to you?” Holding his face in my hands I kiss him on the lips. My whole being aches to make him see that there is another way.
“And before her?” I ask.
“Nothing before her. I wasn’t exactly popular growing up. Girls weren’t interested. In school they only spoke to me to be introduced to my brother. Same thing at uni…” The way he says it, suggests he doesn’t think much of his brother at all, beyond the obvious reason.
“Oh well, I can understand that. School was pretty similar for me.” He starts kissing me back before I even finish the sentence.
“Last night, you said it was like being fifteen all over again. What did you mean?” I ask.
He hesitates before answering.
“Oh, that.” He averts his eyes from mine. “I liked one of the girls in my class then. She seemed nice, had only just joined the school that term. The others used to call me names but she never did. Then one of the others told me that this girl liked me and wanted to be my date for the upcoming school dance but was too shy to say something herself. In the end it was just a set-up, a joke. They were all in on it.”
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I whisper, pressing my cheek against his and putting my arms around his neck.
“Never mind, that was a long time ago. But…” He takes a deep breath. “I still don’t understand why you like me.”
“What’s there not to like? You’re kind, caring, honest, you have a great sense of humour, you’re really smart-” I start.
“None of that explains why you would want me as anything other than a friend,” he interrupts me.
“You’re strong, and don’t seem to care what people think, loyal, I feel like I could trust you with anything…” I continue.
He shakes his head. “Hold on. Take a good look at me and back at yourself. Why would you want to be with a guy like me? You could have anyone. Richard has been-”
“Don’t start about him, he’s uber-creepy! Never in a million years would I ever consider…” I shudder instead of finishing that sentence. Just thinking about him makes my skin crawl.
John just looks at me with an amused glint in his eyes and a smile playing on his lips.
“Ha, you really hate him, don’t you!”
“Is it that obvious?” I ask, grinning back at him.
“My point still stands though-why would you ever like a guy like me?” he asks.
“I thought I had just made it clear that you do appear to be quite a catch.” I innocently bat my eyelashes.
“You know what I mean… look at you, you’re absolutely stunning and I’m…” He gestures down at himself, and it’s obvious where this is going.
“You’re a big guy, so what? I don’t mind,” I respond. Sweetheart you have no idea how much I don’t mind.
“You’re odd.” He sighs
and pulls me back into his arms. “But I’m glad for it.”
The movie is still on, preparing for its climactic finish where the main character stabs everyone in a wild frenzy using a huge kitchen knife.
“Which movie was this, anyway?” I ask as the credits roll. He just laughs in response.
At last, he sounds happy, at ease. I cuddle up even closer. God knows just being this close to John has me all hot and bothered. But at the same time it’s a revelation how amazing it is to just sit here, enjoying each other’s company and innocent affections. Where did all these feelings come from in such a short time? I’ve never fallen this hard for anyone.
“Oh, shit. That Christmas do, that’s tonight isn’t it?” I remember.
“Right. Fairly stupid timing for it if you ask me. Were you thinking of going?” he responds.
“Well, I thought, with me being the new girl and all, maybe I should show my face for a bit…”
“I guess,” he says.
“You weren’t going to?” I ask.
He shrugs.
“Well, I was sort of hoping you’d be my date… I mean, if you feel like it.” I say.
“What, officially? Like, you want to be open about it?” He sounds surprised.
“Unless it makes you uncomfortable. I’d ask if there was a policy against that sort of thing, but I’ve been hearing plenty of talk to suggest there isn’t.”
“Me? Hell no. You do realise people will talk,” he says.
“Where would Sharon and her gang be without fresh gossip?” I smile at him.
“Richard will be pissed,” he remarks.
“That’s his problem then.”
We sit quietly for another minute or so.
“You are serious, aren’t you?” John asks.
“About?”
“You really don’t care what they’ll say?” He still sounds unsure.
“I don’t even like any of them. Out of everyone in the office, I’ve only ever cared about what you think of me. It wouldn’t cause you any trouble, I hope?” I ask.
“No, no trouble. This is just unexpected, that’s all.” He shakes his head a few times. “I still don’t know what I ever did to get you to like me.”
“I have an idea what you can do now to get me to like you even better,” I say with a naughty smile. I move back and lie against the armrest of the empty half of the sofa, motioning him to come closer. He does until he is right on top of me, on all fours.
“Kiss me again!” I whisper. His eyes darken as he rests on his elbows either side of me. I kiss him hungrily, our bodies pressed together and his lips on mine. I’m sandwiched between the sofa and his soft bulk, so excited I can barely breathe.
He stops and starts to lift himself off me.
“I’m sorry, I’m crushing you…”
But I don’t let him go and pull him into me once more.
“You’re not,” I gasp, “I love this.”
It doesn’t take much to convince him and our mouths merge, tongues entwined, in the most mind-blowing kiss I have ever experienced. For someone who’s supposedly not had a lot of practice, he sure knows how to kiss. My fingertips run up his arms simultaneously, teasing against his bare skin under the sleeves of his t-shirt, up to his shoulders and over his shoulder blades. His skin so smooth and flawless I wish I could taste it.
I can feel him shudder under my every touch, involuntarily grinding up against me. His arousal is blatantly obvious, pressing rock hard into my thigh. I was already breathless and now he has reached a similar state, his lips finding my neck, impatiently kissing and sucking in between ragged breaths. I writhe underneath him, rubbing my thigh against his hard cock. He moans into my ear, with such a deep, sexy voice.
“Ohh, I can’t…” He stops mid-sentence, while I just hang on to him, feeling every single muscle in his back tense up together underneath my fingertips. I lift myself up against him as far as I can manage. He starts to twitch and shudder, and I just hold on, biting softly into his neck, enjoying the last primal groan that escapes his lips before he sinks into me, slowly relaxing all over, pinning me into the sofa cushion under his full weight.
“Shit, I’m so sorry,” he finally manages after catching his breath.
“Shh,” I say, “that was so hot! Best kiss ever.” My hands are still under his shirt, caressing his back, circling over his shoulders.
He has moved down a little bit, his face pressed into my chest. I take one hand out of his shirt and put my whole arm around him further up over his shoulder, causing him to nuzzle underneath, hiding. He sighs deeply before speaking again.
“This is what I was worried about, that I’d lose it.”
I lift up my head to reach him, kissing him on his hair.
“Letting go is not a bad thing. Every sound, every movement you made showed me that you want me as much as I want you.”
He remains silent, taking slower and deeper breaths. Finally he lifts up one arm and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles and putting it over the side of his head, covering his eyes.
“You are a bit odd indeed,” he sighs again.
I can’t suppress a smile and respond: “Well, odd or not. You’re stuck with me now.”
Part II.
I.
The room is quiet when I wake up. The TV has gone on standby and it seems to be dark outside. John is still on top of me, breathing deeply and regularly. I stretch my legs as well as I can. I wonder what time it is. John wakes the moment I try to straighten out my shoulders. He lifts himself up until we’re facing each other.
“Seems I fell asleep on you…” He clears his throat.
“Or, I fell asleep underneath you. Not sure who started it.” I grin at him.
I turn my head and glance at the clock. 6:30 p.m. We’d better get moving.
“We’re still going to the party?” I ask.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I think you need a change of clothes, even if it wasn’t black tie I mean…” Still grinning, I point down at the dark patch that has spread from the crotch of his sweat pants onto my thigh.
“Oh, damn. My place isn’t far from here… I can quickly go change while you get yourself ready?” he suggests.
“Sure, I won’t take long though. Give me five minutes and we can stop at yours on the way to the venue,” I say.
He gets up and I rush into the bedroom. Luckily I had already decided what to wear ages ago; little black satin dress, black lace stilettos. I make a poor attempt at disguising the smell of sex that’s undoubtedly hanging around me with some perfume.
John is in the bathroom, tap running. By the time I’m done brushing my hair and slapping on a bit of lipstick and mascara he comes out wearing last night’s clothes.
“Ready?” I say, while putting in the second one of the pair of dangly silver earrings I found on the night stand.
He turns to look at me and inhales sharply through his teeth. His eyes are drawn straight to the plunging neckline of my dress, down over the silky fabric that clings around my curves in just the right places before ending midway up my thigh.
“Wow,” he says finally, “you look….”
“Glad you like it.” I smile at him.
We rush out the door while I’m still in the process of putting on my coat.
I put my arm through his as we walk briskly down the street, battling through the evening chill. But sure enough, we reach his flat in barely five minutes. We make our way up the stairwell to the first floor and before unlocking his front door he pauses and turns to me.
“I haven’t exactly prepared the place for company…”
“Don’t worry about it.” I respond, taking his hand in mine.
He leads me in through the hallway into the living room, indeed the place is chaos. Empty take out containers, bottles on the floor. It’s clear he’s had other things on his mind lately than housework. I try not to be too obvious in looking around and clear some space to sit on the sofa.
“I’ll wait here,
you get changed.” I tell him.
His eyes are darting around the room furiously, the embarrassment written on his face.
“Really, I won’t win any awards for neatness any time soon, my place looks like this too sometimes.” I add.
Finally he moves into the other room and I’m alone with my thoughts.
Considering the state of this place, it’s obvious how much he’s been suffering these past weeks. This realisation hurts. However, I’m also strangely relieved. I clearly was wasting my time worrying about a few dirty dishes in my kitchen this morning. In any case, things can only get better from here.
If only I can get him to come out of his shell a little. He’s clearly quite tense around me, if I can figure out a way to make him feel more at ease… I decide I need to stop letting my own insecurity get in the way and assume he does like me as much as he says.
I look around the cabinet opposite the sofa, it’s as you would expect: a TV, a stereo, some CDs. I get up to look at the painting on the wall opposite the TV. It’s haunting-an empty forest, foggy and mysterious. I lean in closer; it’s as though there is a silhouette behind a tree. It’s unframed, just oil on canvas, his name signed in the corner.
“Beautiful,” I whisper, feeling the texture of the paint underneath my fingertips.
“Oh that old thing,” I hear behind me.
His breath caresses the side of my neck and I feel my skin contract in waves of tingly goosebumps. My breathing stalls as I feel his arms wrap around my waist and lips kissing my shoulder. I turn around to face him, still unable to breathe properly.
“Oh, love the suit,” I say while running my fingers over the collar of his jacket and up over his tie. At work I’ve seen him wear trousers and shirts, but he’s never come in dressed up fully.
“Extremely sexy.” I smile.
He blinks a few times and takes a step back while averting his eyes. “Whatever.”
I pull him back gently by his tie, and chastely kiss his lips before wiping the lipstick marks off. “Let’s go?”
