by T Gephart
It was all I could say, unable to explain or talk anymore as I pulled my cell from my ear, Troy’s desperate voice echoing my name over and over before I hit end. He deserved more but I just couldn’t give it.
“Megs!” My brother ran into the room with another attending physician, the stretcher behind them rattling into the room. “Stay calm, Megs, we’re going to take care of you.”
Our schedules rarely synced and I wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse that the stars had aligned today.
My head shook as he and the other doctor placed their hands on my elbows as they tried to ease me up.
“It’s too late, I know it’s too late.” My body shook as they helped me to my feet. Blood trickled down my leg as I stood.
“Tom, she’s lost a lot of blood. We need to get her lying down.” The other doctor moved the stretcher closer to me as he held onto my arm.
“It’s too late.” They were the only words that seemed to come out of my mouth.
“Lay down, Megs.” Tom nodded to the stretcher. “We need to move you.”
My legs were on automatic, my body being controlled by the men whose hands were around my arms. I don’t remember lying down, or my back hitting the gurney. The words of my brother and the other doctor were jumbled above me as my eyes flashed open to the passing fluorescent lights in the ceiling. The gentle rocking meant we were moving but I didn’t care where we were going. ER or the parking lot, the end result would be the same.
“Megs, as much as I want to be in that room with you, I can’t treat you. Blake is going to take it from here. I promise you, I’ll be outside the whole time. Can I call Mom and Dad?”
I think I nodded, but I couldn’t be sure; the thought that he would tell them was somewhat of a relief. The words were just too painful to say over.
“Megs.” Tom’s hand stayed locked on mine till they wheeled me into the exam room, “Have you called Troy?”
“Yes.” It was barely a whisper but he nodded so I’d know that he’d heard.
And then he let go. Pushed out and swallowed by the noise as the curtain was drawn behind him.
“Megs! Megs!” I screamed into the phone, my voice getting nothing but air. “Megs!” It was no use. The line was dead, the call —over.
“What the fuck, dude?” Dan killed the sound on the Xbox, the game of Call of Duty we’d been playing, well and truly over.
“I need to get to the hospital, I can’t talk right now.” I tossed my controller onto his couch. So much shit going through my head that I couldn’t even focus on where the fuck I’d left my keys.
“Is Megs in trouble?” Dan got to his feet, throwing his controller to join mine while I patted my pockets like a fucking moron.
“Troy! Let me come with you. I’ll drive.” Dan held up my car keys. The bastards had been sitting on the coffee table right in front of my face the whole freaking time.
“No, I have to do this alone.” I snatched the keys from his palm and sprinted to the door. I had no fucking idea what I was walking into, but I couldn’t do this with back up.
“Brother, do whatever you need to do but for fuck’s sake call me later. Whatever it is.” He called after me as I yanked open his front door, his eyes full of I’ve-got-your-back.
“I’ve got to go.” Were the only words I bothered to give him as the door slammed behind me.
My heart pounded as I jumped into the elevator and hit the button for the basement, the fucker not moving anywhere near fast enough.
“Come on!” My fist slammed against the mirrored wall, willing the metal box to speed the hell up. Every second, it dragged its feet until the steel doors opened at the underground parking garage.
My feet pounded, making my way to my car, cursing the fucking thing for not having keyless entry.
“Fuck.” I fisted the keys to unlock the door.
My hand wrenched at the door, sinking my ass into the driver’s seat before the thing was fully open and shoving the key into the ignition.
The engine roared as I pumped the gas, pulling the door shut as I tried to make some fucking sense of what was going on.
Megs had sounded so calm, so fucking calm it scared the fuck out of me.
My boot hit the accelerator, fishtailing onto the street as I tried to put on my seatbelt with one hand. Getting a ticket, yeah— didn’t give a fuck—too juiced up to focus on anything other than getting where I was going.
Cars jammed on their brakes in front of me, the Lambo hitting a wall of fucking traffic as we pulled onto the main road. “Goddamit.” My fist punched the horn as I tried to weave between the lanes to move this shit along faster.
Nightmare. It was a motherfucking nightmare as the minutes ticked by and I was still no closer to where I needed to be. Drivers beeped their horns and flipped me off as I cut them off, driving like an asshole with a death wish.
I punched it on Madison Avenue, making the turn onto 99th and skidding into the parking garage.
“Hey, buddy, slow down.” The asshole attendant called from his glass box like I give a shit what he thought.
Muscle memory steered the car into an empty spot, hauled my ass out of the seat and got my feet moving to the E.R. Thank fuck for the auto switch that kicked in because my brain had checked out the minute Megs had killed the call.
“I’m looking for Dr. Megan Winters.” My palms slammed on the info desk making the chick behind it shoot up like a Pop Tart.
“Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down.” Ms. Not-fucking-helpful rose to her feet and gave me the once over.
“I’ll calm the fuck down when you tell me where she is.” There was zero chance of me being calm until I found where Megs was and got to see her. The way I saw it, the lady should be grateful I wasn’t tearing the place apart.
“Sir. Please, I don’t want to have to call security; please refrain from using profanity.”
Seriously. She’s going give me shit over the word fuck? Why the fuck were we talking about what words I was using and not about where the hell my girl was? My fists balled tight to stop myself from ripping the fucking headset she was wearing off her fucking head.
“Lady, I’m not trying to start anything, but my girl and my baby are in there somewhere and I’m not in the mood to be pleasant. So, sorry if your feelings got hurt but I need you to quit eyeballing me and get on that fancy computer and tell me where she is.” My fists primed by my sides ready to punch the computer if she didn’t start giving me answers.
Her hands went to the two-way that was sitting on the desk near the phone, bringing it to her mouth without breaking eye contact.
“Security, we have a code gray…”
No! I could not get hauled out of there. Not without seeing Megs first.
“Don’t call security, please.” I prayed she would give me a chance to explain, forcing myself to lower my voice. “I just need to get to her.”
“This is security, please advise the location of the code gray.” The voice spewed out of the box in her hand.
My eyes flicked to the two-way, then to her. If there was a fucking God, this was when I needed him to get into the game. Every muscle in my body was wound tight as I relied on this stranger to help me. “Please. I’m begging you.”
“Disregard the last transmission. False alarm.” Her eyes stayed locked on me as she lowered the hand-held. She looked like she wasn’t a hundred percent on board with listening to me, but whatever the chance was, I’d take it.
“Thank you. I’m sorry.” I held up my hands in a peace offering and to prove I wasn’t going to bitch-slap her desk anymore. “Dr. Megan Winters.” I said her name slow. “Where is she?”
“Give me a moment.” She sat her ass back down as she hammered the keys on her keyboard.
“She was brought in, but only immediate family can go back through. Are you related to Dr. Winters?” Her face told me she already knew the answer, her fingers easing off the keys and inching toward the two-way.
“I’m her bo
yfriend.”
It sounded so fucking insignificant and didn’t come anywhere near close enough to describing what she was to me. “She’s pregnant and she is losing our baby. I know you have protocol, but I can’t let her go through that alone. I need to be there with her.”
“Sir….” The sorry-I-can’t-help-you, about to be thrown on the end.
“Look, I swear to you, if she doesn’t want me there I will leave. There isn’t going to be a fight from me and you won’t need some asshole rent-a-cop to haul me out, but I can’t wait out here. I need to see her.”
“Please wait.” She sighed and picked up the phone. It was promising but until I was in the same room with Megs, I was still going to be edgy as fuck.
“Hey, are you Troy Harris?” Some blond-headed kid edged toward me.
Not sure if he was a fan or whatever, but there was no way in fuck I was going to do a meet-and-greet. “Listen kid, seriously haven’t got time for this shit right now. I’m not interested in being your big news of the day so please just leave me the hell alone.”
“O-Okay.” The kid shuffled back into his seat like I’d just punched him in the face.
“Troy?” A dude in scrubs came up beside me, his hand landing on my arm.
“Yes. Are you her doctor? I need to get back there.” I wasn’t sure if this was the new person that I needed to be convincing. I didn’t care whom I had to talk to as long as they let me through.
“I’m her brother, Tom.” He tipped his head toward the double doors he’d walked out of. “Take a walk with me.”
We were supposed to have a sit down sometime during the week. Her brother worked crazy long ass days, making it hard to nail him down; so while I’d known about him, we hadn’t done the hi-how-are-yous yet. Not that it mattered now.
“I have to know, man; I need to know she is okay.” My nerves were jangling so much I could barely get the words out straight.
“Megs is resting, they have her on an IV for fluids and some pain meds.” He directed us through a corridor.
“That’s not what I asked.” I stopped walking. I needed to know the truth, not hear shit being sugar coated.
“I’m going to be honest with you, she’s not doing great.”
It wasn’t easy to hear it but at least he’d finally come clean.
“The baby?”
He almost didn’t need to say it; the look he was giving me told me there was no chance.
“I’m sorry. At eight weeks there is nothing we can do.”
It was like a wave washed over me and dumped me on my ass. Or maybe it was a truck that had come and collected me in its grill. My chest hurt so much I was surprised I could still breathe, the lump in my throat also not helping the cause. I blinked fast, my eyes not doing real well with keeping their shit together. Guess they’d been following my lead.
“Can I see her? She can’t do this by herself. I need to be there.” It wasn’t about me anymore, whatever I was feeling, it had to have been doubly worse for her.
“You can go back for a second but if she wants you out, you’re going to have to leave.”
He was talking as her brother, not a doctor and I had to respect that even if it was unnecessary. There was zero chance of me walking away from Megs, but I wasn’t going to let my stupid need to see her make shit worse. I would sit in the waiting room until she was ready but I wouldn’t leave. Not ever.
“I swear to you.” I looked him in the eye and held out my hand.
He shook my hand and gave me a tight smile. “Hell of a way to meet, huh?”
We started ambling down the hallway again, people in curtained-off areas wailing either side of us.
“Yeah— no offense—but this wasn’t how I saw this shit going down.” I shoved my hands in my pocket as he rounded the corner.
“She’s in there.” He stopped short, his chin tipping to the curtain on the right. “Just don’t… don’t expect too much of her. She might not want to talk about it, you have to let her take the lead on this one.”
I took a big swallow, once again fighting the lump in my throat. “Dude, she’s had the lead from the start. I’m just the lucky bastard who’s trying to keep up.”
He gave me a nod and then wandered off, giving me the space to do this on my own. No doubt he wouldn’t be far and ready to haul my ass away if Megs asked him to.
My hand hesitated as I pulled the curtain across, the zipping noise on the rail making Megs turn toward me. Her eyes were so red from crying, I didn’t ever think they’d be right again. “Hey.” I pulled the thing closed behind me and took a step inside, my heart fucking breaking with every stride.
“Hey,” she responded, her voice shaky as she unwrapped her arms from around her chest.
There was so much about this situation that I hated. My chest felt like it was tearing in two but the pain that I saw in her, that was the fucking worst. I didn’t even know where to start to make this right.
I pulled up a chair and planted it beside the bed. “I’m just going to sit down beside you and hold your hand, if that’s okay with you?” My hand stretched out and linked with hers.
“Troy…”
There was so much hurt in that one fucking word that I literally hated my own name.
“Megs, we’ve got nothing but time, sweetheart. The only thing I need right now is to be here, we don’t have to talk.”
“I’m so sorry.” She sucked in a breath as her eyes started to leak.
“Sorry?” My fingers stroked the back of her hand. I wanted to hold her but I didn’t dare push it. “What have you got to be sorry for?”
“It was my fault.” She whispered, the torment ripping through her like a freaking knife.
“Megs, no.” This was not going to land on her. No fucking way. “It was no one’s fault. Shit happens, it just wasn’t our time yet.”
“When you told me—that day when you read the report— I wanted it to be a mistake. I didn’t want the baby. What kind of person does that?” Her eyes flooded.
“You were in shock, it was a surprise,” I reasoned. Neither of us had been expecting that the sheet of paper was going to tell us we were about to be parents. Fuck, I’d had to re-read the stupid thing before it sunk in.
“The first five weeks of our baby’s, life I put our baby at risk by not knowing and then when I finally did find out, I wished him gone.” She ripped her hand out of mine and covered her face. “I’m the reason why. All my complaining about morning sickness and getting fat, I had wanted it to be over and now it is.”
“Megs, this isn’t on you. Do you hear me, this isn’t on you.” My feet pushed out of the chair and I sat on the bed, my hand rubbing circles on her back as I tried to comfort her. The pain I’d had before, nothing on what I had now. It killed me that she owned it, like she was in some way responsible.
“I’d changed my mind, Troy. I really did. I wanted our baby and I was sorry, but it wasn’t enough.” She pulled her hands away from her face and looked at me. Her tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes nailing me in place. “God, I’d do anything right now to feel sick again. I would have my head in a toilet all day long if I could just have the baby back. I don’t care how fat I get. I don’t care how our lives are going to change. I just want…”
“Come here.” My arms wrapped around her as she shuffled up the bed, her head buried in my chest as my T-shirt got wet from her tears.
“I wanted our baby. I really did.”
“I did too.” My eyes once again fought the tears but I needed to keep it together. “I love you, Megs. I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” She whimpered against my neck as I stroked her hair.
“Marry me.” I’m not sure why I said it and I knew that putting it out there wasn’t what she needed right now, but the thought of her not being my wife was tearing me apart. For me—what we had—was as real as it got, and going through life without her wasn’t an option. Not now, not ever.
“But there’s no baby now, we don�
��t have to get married.” Her big blue-green eyes were wide as she shook her head.
“Wanting you to be my wife had nothing to do with the baby, and everything to do with not being able to live my life without you.” I tipped her chin, needing her to really look at me. “That hasn’t changed.”
“We were worried that our relationship would be complicated, but every step of the way has been crazy, Troy. We don’t have the best track record for easy.”
Complicated, crazy —none of it mattered to me. “Where’s the fun in a smooth ride? I’d take crashing and burning with you than easy with someone else.”
“I just can’t right now.” Her lip wobbled as I wiped her tears.
“I know, and I’ll wait, but I’m not walking away.”
Forever, I’d wait forever.
The curtain pushed open again, Tom filling the space with his hands still gripped tight around the fabric.
“Hey, Megs, sorry to interrupt. Mom and Dad are here.”
Megs nodded at me him before she looked up at me. “Can you wait outside? While I talk to my parents.”
“Megs, you don’t have to do this by yourself. We can talk to them together.” It wasn’t just me manning up, I didn’t want to bail—not yet.
“I know, but I would rather do it by myself.” She laid her hand on my chest and gave me a weak hug.
No matter how much I wanted to stay in that room, I couldn’t find it in me to say no to her. “Whatever you want, sweetheart. I’m just going to be outside.”
Walking back through the corridor, the space filled with activity. Bodies crashing into each other, doctors and nurses talking over each other but it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t met our baby yet; I still felt the loss all the same.
I pushed through the door that led out into the main waiting room of the E.R., some of the same people were there waiting for their turn. The blond-headed kid I’d blown off was still there too, his ball cap pulled down to cover his eyes.
