by Mike Ryan
Recoil
The Silencer Series Book 14
Mike Ryan
www.mikeryanbooks.com
Copyright © 2021 by Mike Ryan
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
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Cover Design By The Cover Collection
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Also by Mike Ryan
About the Author
1
Everything was pitch black. Recker looked around and couldn’t see anything. Not even a hand in front of his face. Suddenly Mia appeared. It was just her face. She smiled at him. Then she was yanked away, as if someone were pulling her by the waist, though no one was behind her. She kept moving farther away, like she was floating in space. Mia’s arms were reaching out for him, wanting him to grab her. But Recker couldn’t move. She was moving farther and farther away, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He could hear himself screaming her name, trying to get her to come back. Within a few seconds she was gone. She just disappeared into the blackness that was all around her.
Recker’s eyes fluttered open. He didn’t even jump anymore when he had a nightmare. He was so used to it by now that he would just lie there and slowly open his eyes until he got all his wits about him. He looked over at Mia’s pillow and noticed that she wasn’t there. He sat up and looked around the room. Then he remembered she went into work early this morning. He remembered her telling him the night before.
Recker sat there, looking down at the bed, a helpless feeling coming over him. He felt different. It wasn’t the dream. It was something else. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but his body felt tired. He wasn’t sick. At least not physically. It was almost like a hopeless feeling had overpowered his body. But there was nothing going on in his life at the moment that he should have felt like that about. Everything was fine. At least as fine as things could be in his profession. But there were no major issues, nobody he knew was in trouble, and there were no catastrophes in the making. And it wasn’t just because he was tired. He probably got at least six hours of sleep. Well, in between him waking up multiple times during the night, which was his usual. But six hours was more than he usually got. His eyes felt alert. It was just his body that seemed to be lagging.
Figuring he needed to get up and move around, Recker got dressed, then went into the kitchen and made himself some breakfast. He poured himself a bowl of cereal, hoping he would get a little more energy. After getting through half the bowl, it wasn’t helping. He pushed the rest of it away and put his head in his hands. He then sat back in the chair and stared at the kitchen cabinets. Something was wrong with him. He could feel it. He grabbed his phone and checked for messages. There weren’t any. He put his phone down on the table. After thinking for a minute, Recker picked his phone back up and sent Jones a text.
“Anything pressing today?” Recker asked.
Jones answered back almost immediately. “No, why? Something going on?”
“No, I just might need part of the day to take care of something.”
“Take all the time you need. Chris is here. He can handle whatever comes along.”
“If something big comes up, just let me know. I can still come in.”
“Will do. Everything OK?”
“Everything’s fine. Nothing to worry about.”
“OK, good.”
Recker put his phone down for a second, then picked it right back up again. He looked at his appointment calendar. Maybe that was what was bothering him. He had another scheduled appointment with Dr. Penner. He made the appointment weeks ago, and hadn’t really planned on going, but hadn’t cancelled yet either. He put the phone back down and crossed his arms, leaning his chin on his forearm as he leaned on the table for support. He stared at his phone as if he were waiting for or expecting a call, even though he wasn’t.
Recker stayed in that position for a good ten minutes, not moving an inch. His body was feeling tired, like how a person gets when they have the flu, but without the muscle aches and pains. His body didn’t hurt. It just felt heavy. Maybe it was the weight of carrying the world on his shoulders for the last fifteen years. Since his first day in the CIA, he hit the ground running and hasn’t looked back. Between his CIA missions, then almost getting eliminated by them, losing Carrie, then picking his life back up as The Silencer, and all the missions since then, maybe his body was just breaking down on him. He wasn’t sure what else it could be. He had felt tired before. But this wasn’t that. This was… so much more. This felt like something was pressing down on him and wasn’t letting up.
Recker sighed and picked his phone back up again. He decided to go to his appointment with Dr. Penner after all. He grabbed his keys and his gun and left the apartment. He hoped that as he got outside and started driving, maybe the feeling would let up a little. Maybe he just needed some fresh air to relieve the symptoms he was feeling. It didn’t help, though. It wasn’t getting worse. But it wasn’t getting better either.
Once he got to Dr. Penner’s office, Recker sat in the waiting room. His appointment didn’t start for a few more minutes. It was a small waiting room, and since appointments usually lasted a specific amount of time, there was nobody else in there but him and the secretary. Since he had nothing to do but think and wait, he started thinking about his life. Everything that had happened to him, everything he’d been through, and everything that he figured was yet to come. Was it all worth the personal cost and sacrifices that he’s made? He’d never led a normal life, and the chances of him ever doing so were, well… not that great in his mind.
Recker’s concentration was broken as the office door opened up. Dr. Penner stood there with a smile and motioned for Recker to come in. Recker slowly got up and walked into the office, sitting down in the chair in front of the desk. After Dr. Penner closed the door, she went back to her desk and sat down.
“I have to admit that I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again.”
Recker smiled. “That makes two of us. I have to admit I really wasn’t planning on coming back.”
“So why did you?”
Recker looked away toward the window and shook his head. “I don’t know. There’s just a… a feeling I’ve had lately. It’s actually worse this morning. The worst it’s been.”
“Are you physically sick?”
“No. At least I don’t think so. I mean, I was just checked out by a physician two weeks ago,” Recker said, referring to using Vincent’s physician, which he had been doing lately to stay in the shadows. “Everything was fine, no problems.”
“So what do you think’s the matter?”
Recker sighed. “I don’t know. I just… it’s just a feeling. I can’t get rid of it, I can’t shake it, and I can’t figure out how to move on from it.”
“Can you describe this feeling?”
Recker stretched his arms out. “It’s just like… my body feels… heavy. Like I’m carrying around all this extra weight on me and I just can’t lose it.”
“You’ve had this feeling for a while?”
“It’s been coming on for a long time. I feel like it just hit me tenfold this morning, like a ton of bricks. Like I woke up and everything was amplified.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did you have another nightmare?”
Recker snickered. “Listen, nightmares for me are just a fact of life. I’m used to them by now. I don’t think it has to do with that.”
“Maybe it has to do with the secretive nature of your work. The danger that you constantly put yourself in can have a cumulative effect on your mind and soul.”
“Maybe.”
“Are you able to talk more openly about that profession than you did the last time you were here?”
Recker looked at the window again. “Not really.” He rubbed his forehead. “Listen, I’ve, uh, it’s been drilled into my head for the last fifteen years that I have to keep everything inside me. Every thought, every feeling, everything that I know, everything has to be kept bottled up inside.”
“And why is that?”
“Because if something slips out, the slightest thing, the wrong thing, anything, no matter how insignificant it may seem, it could cost you your life. Or the life of someone around you. Or someone you care about.”
“That’s a hard load to shoulder for so long.”
Recker nodded. “It is. I’ve worked all over the world, been put in every kind of dangerous situation imaginable, been shot multiple times, have had people die in my arms, and have had people I loved ripped away from me.”
Though Recker never said the specifics of who he worked for, other than government work, by the way Recker talked, Penner could tell it was likely the CIA he was referencing.
“And yet you’re still giving yourself to that work.”
“It’s the only life I know,” Recker said.
“Ever think of taking a vacation?”
“I’ve taken them before. It’s only temporary.”
“Would you like my opinion on what I think is happening?”
“That’s what I’m paying you for, isn’t it?”
Penner smiled. “No. You’re paying me to get you to open up. My opinion is largely irrelevant.”
“Feel free to enlighten me.”
“I think, perhaps, this heaviness that you’re feeling is your body’s way of telling you that you’re at the end of your rope.”
“Which means what? Retirement?”
“That you give serious thought about taking it down a notch. You can’t keep up this life forever. You’ve travelled the world, protecting everybody, with barely a thought about yourself. A person just can’t give of themselves forever, at least in the dangerous world in which you live, without taking some time to let your body, and most importantly your mind, heal itself. Fifteen years is a long time to do what you do without taking extended breaks.”
“So you’re suggesting that I walk away? For how long?”
“I’m not suggesting anything. It’s for you to say what you do. All I am suggesting, is that you listen to what your body is telling you. If you sit down somewhere, maybe a park or somewhere secluded, a place that’s peaceful, and give yourself time to think and reflect, you will probably come up with your own answers.”
They continued to talk for the next hour, the length of a regular session. It was probably the most reflective about his work, and talkative, that he’d ever been with anybody other than Mia. Though he hadn’t really talked about this latest issue with her. He didn’t tell her how tired his body felt. He knew that would spur a longer and deeper discussion than he wanted to go into with her. After the hour session was over, Recker walked out of the psychologist’s office, still not sure what he was doing. What he did know was that he needed to find a quiet spot somewhere. He needed to think about his future and whether that included a different line of work.
2
Recker had been sitting on the park bench for the better part of two hours. He’d been doing nothing but sitting and thinking, watching kids play by the water fountain, watching couples and friends have conversations with each other, seeing mothers push their children in strollers and other ride-on toys. A lot was going through his mind. Most of which was his future. He’d seen and heard of other operatives in the agency who’d been in the field for a while just coming undone at the drop of a hat, but he never really thought that it would happen to him. And it wasn’t really even him wanting to be done. It just hit him. It must have been his turn, he thought.
Recker was so focused on his own thoughts, and on watching the people in front of him, that he didn’t notice the man walking up on him from the side. The man had Recker in his sights and quickly walked toward him. Recker never turned his head to see who it was before the man sat down beside him. Recker saw the body sitting down next to him out of the corner of his eye and turned his head. He was surprised to see who it was.
“What are you doing here?” Recker asked.
Haley looked straight ahead, focusing on the same things that Recker had been doing. “Figured you might need someone to talk to. Someone who could listen to things.”
“Such as?”
Haley shrugged. “I dunno. Whatever you have on your mind.”
“My mind’s clear as can be.”
“You sure about that?”
Recker glanced at his friend, wondering if he knew something. He didn’t know how he would, though, considering he never said anything about it. “What would be on my mind?”
Haley knew this was a delicate situation and didn’t want to be too forthright or direct. He could already see that Recker had been struggling with this for a while. Maybe Recker didn’t think it was showing until now, but Haley had seen the signs. He’d also seen other agents go through this before. “Maybe… you, uh, need to talk to someone. Like, maybe a professional to help you get through this.”
“Through what?”
“Listen, Mike, for the last few weeks, I’ve noticed a change in you. You’re walking around, looking like you’re carrying a heavy burden, hardly smiling or laughing.”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve never exactly been the prince of jokes.”
“No, but you’ve always been able to have a laugh, or a smile, or see the humor in something when things are bleak. I haven’t noticed that in a while.”
“So?”
“We’ve both seen this happen to people before. You’ve been in this game for a long time. You look like you’re burned out.”
“I’m OK.”
“I know, full speed ahead.” Haley took a few seconds before continuing. “But you know you’re not in this alone. I’m here, Mia of course, David, you don’t have to wait until it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“To get help. Maybe just go somewhere for a few weeks, or a month or two, recharge your batteries. There’s nothing that says you have to be on call every day of your life.”
“I didn’t think it showed so much.”
“Well, you do a good job of hiding it. Most people probably wouldn’t recognize the signs. They would just assume it’s the hazards of the job weighing you down. But I don’t want this to spiral so out of control that it gets worse.”
Recker sighed. “Worse.”
“The last agent I saw this happen to in the field, he was a ten-year pro. He was really good. Maybe as good as you. But I saw the same thing happen to him. We were on a job together, and you could just tell he wasn’t into it as much as he once was.”
“What happened to him?”
“He was killed. We were investigating a factory that we believed was doubling as an illegal weapons facility, and when we got there, we found the guns, and we found a lot more to go with it. His reaction time was slow. Killed right away. I was able to get out of there, but, he wasn’t so lucky.”
“Worried about me having your back out there?”
Haley shook his head. “Not me. Not ever. I just worry about Mia having to say words
over your funeral.”
“That would be tough for both of us. Probably me more, you know, being dead and all.”
“You know what I’m saying.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You talked to Mia about any of this?”
Recker shook his head. “No. If I did, you know, it’s a conversation I really didn’t want to have. Not with anybody, but especially not with her.”
“Why?”
“Because if I talk to her about taking some kind of break, it’s not going to be temporary with her. There’ll be no coming back. She’d want me to just make a clean break from it all. Rip the bandaid right off and slip away. If I say exactly how I’m feeling, and that I want a month off to clear my head, she’s gonna say not to come back. I already know she will. You do too.”
“Maybe there’s a compromise to be made there.”
“You know Mia. You really think if I say I’m tired, tired of all this, and I wanna take a mental break, she’s really gonna be cool with me coming back in a month or two? She’s gonna fight it. You know she will.”
“I know you can’t hide it from her forever.”
Recker sighed. “I know that too. I’m just… I’m trying to do the right thing by everybody.”
“That’s your problem right there.”
“What?”
“You’re trying to do the right thing by everybody and you don’t have to. That’s the issue. You don’t need to try and please anybody but you. The only person you have to do right by is you. You’re worried about letting down David, or putting more pressure on me by leaving, or what Mia’s gonna say, or what she’ll do, or what would happen if you actually took a break, would things get worse, would people get killed because you’re not there, and… and that’s the problem, man. You just gotta stop thinking about all of that. You can’t keep the weight of the world on your shoulders. Eventually you gotta let other people carry their weight. And if they can’t do that… then that’s not on you. You’ve gotta learn to let go.”
