by Paul Neuhaus
He blinked at me and replied, “I know, but can you explain to me what’s going on?”
I laid flat in the bed and glared up at the ceiling, going over quick ways I could bring Elijah up to speed. Seeing no alternative, I dove in. Well, actually, I didn’t dive in immediately. There was an outstanding issue that needed to be addressed. “If you come to me, wanting to have a serious conversation,” I said. “Have the decency not to come dressed as a cartoon pony.”
El put his hood down sheepishly. “Oh. Right. Sorry.” At least he no longer had ears and a mane, so that helped.
“What’s your life been like since you told me Addie was pregnant?”
Not expecting the conversation to be turned in his direction, he thought for a moment. “Like a lot of other guys, I guess. Suburban. Not rich, not poor. Failures and successes.”
“Yeah, I heard about the pet synagogues.”
He ignored the interjection. “A daughter I’m proud of. A spouse that grew more and more distant. Actually, scratch that, she became distant almost immediately and stayed that way.” He paused, trying to find the right words. “So, obviously, Addie isn’t who I thought she was. Or even what I thought she was. Can you tell me what she is?”
“You remember my back story, right? I’m from ancient Greece and I’m thousands of years old and all the tales you’ve heard about gods and goddesses are all true.”
He nodded. “I was unlikely to forget that, yeah.”
“So, there was this god Hermes. He ran messages back and forth between Olympus and mankind. You know the drill. Anyway, Hermes had an affair with a nymph. A nymph who was two gyros short of a combination platter. This affair produced a daughter. The daughter, unfortunately, takes after her mother. Her name is Adrestia, although you know her as Addie.”
“I know but how—”
“Let me get this out so I can go to sleep. And, you better let Squire and everyone else know that, unless this building is on fire, I am not to be awakened until I awaken on my own. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“So, Adrestia, Hermes’ daughter, grows up and her particular idiom seems to be umbrage. She gets offended; she takes revenge. She’s the Beatles of getting even with people—whether they deserve it or not. Thousands of years ago, I got between Addie and a boy she fancied. And, when I say, ‘got between’, I mean in the most innocent way possible. But, in Addie’s melodramatic mind, I fucked him eight ways from Sunday and poisoned his mind against her. To be honest with you, until I saw Addie again, I’d forgotten about the whole thing. But she hadn’t. And when I say she hadn’t, I mean she carried a grudge for thousands of years, tricked you into impregnating her, and forced me into a fifteen yearlong funk.”
That last bit gave him pause. “Is that really what happened? The part about the funk?”
“Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head. I’m starting to think it was a decade and a half of unwarranted self-abuse, and I need to be ashamed of it.”
He chose—wisely—not to tug at the thread. Instead, he wanted to give me a summation to verify he had it straight in his head. “So, bear with me. You and I had what I’d call an almost perfect love affair, but because you crossed a goddess thousands of years ago that love affair was broken up in the name of revenge. And, because of that, we’ve been apart all this time, I have a daughter who was an accident but whom I love, and I have a wife that’s a full-blown psychopath.”
“Sounds about right, yeah.”
“Wait. I wasn’t finished.”
“I’m sorry. Go on...”
“As a result of drunken sex with said psycho goddess, my daughter has divine powers too. Apparently.”
“That’s right. You’ve got it.”
He sat in complete silence for almost a minute and then he did the same thing I probably would’ve done had I been in his position. He stood up, put the chair by the dresser and made for the exit. “Okay,” he said. “I gotta mull this over. We should probably talk about, you know, other stuff, but my head’s too full. See you in the morning.” He left, shutting the door behind him.
I was relieved he was gone, but also content that we’d gotten some of the talk out of the way. I smoothed the covers out, stretched to my full length and closed my eyes.
Another knock came at the door.
I put my pillow over my face and screamed into it. Then I put the pillow aside and said, “Go away!”
Through the door, came a small voice. “Dora? Can I talk to you?” It was Keri.
Just as I thought, Maybe I should let her in, Hope whispered, “Maybe you should let her in.”
“I know, I know,” I replied, gathering the blankets around me and opening the door again. This time, it was me that pulled the chair over closer to the bed.
Keri came in, shut the door behind her and sat down. “Thanks for letting me in. I know you’re exhausted.”
“Oh, I’m beyond exhausted,” I said. I was sitting against the wall with my bedding wrapped around me. I decided to save her a little time. “Lemme guess... You wanna talk about suddenly—at the age of fifteen—manifesting powers like you’re some kind of X-man or something.”
“How’d you guess?”
I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t know if I can help you,” I said. “I’m thousands of years old, but I’m still a garden variety human. I don’t have any special powers.”
“Do you know anyone that could mentor me in the ways of... goddess-hood?”
I smiled a little broader that time. “Did you know the word ‘mentor’ comes from Greek myth? Mentor was a guy’s name. He mentored Odysseus' son Telemachus.”
She looked at me blankly. “That’s fascinating. It’s a shame we’re not playing bar trivia. We would’ve totally won the free loaded potato skins.”
“I fucking love loaded potato skins. But let’s table that for now. Here’s what I can tell you... About goddess-hood. The whole Greek myth trip is one hundred percent real. You’re not losing your mind. You’re part human, part goddess. If you want my advice on how to conduct yourself, here it is: lean into the human side. Your dad is a dork-wad, but he’s a dork-wad with a moral compass. Your mother is one of the most vindictive people on the earth, so I’d steer clear. She could mentor you on how to use your powers, but she’d also try and warp you into something you wouldn’t recognize and probably wouldn’t like. Come to think of it, your grandfather—whom you met, but didn’t realize was your grandfather—would be an excellent mentor too—if you take his chronic masturbation and his guilty feelings about Addie out of the equation. I’m not sure where his allegiances lie right now. I don’t think he knows himself. I guess what I’m saying—if I’m even making sense—is, for the time being, talk to your dad. Or any one of the bronies. They’re all good people. And me too, although I’m not saying I’m good or anything. I do promise, that if it’s within my power, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
Keri’s eyes grew huge and filled up with water. “Uh-oh,” she said. “Here come the waterworks.”
“Uh-oh. Come here.”
She came over to the bed and I gave her a big hug. She was a goofy kid, but I didn’t want to see her hurting—and I sure as hell didn’t want to see her newfound powers ripping her off the rails. As I embraced her, she said, “Are you sure you don’t wanna be my mom?”
“I think that ship has sailed biologically speaking. I will be your friend, though.”
She nodded and stood. “I’m good with that. Would you mentor me?”
“How do you mean?”
“Would you take me Evil-catching with you some time?”
I laughed. “Sure thing. It’ll be our fucked-up Greek mythology-inflected way of goin’ fishin’.”
“That. Sounds. Awesome.”
“It’s a date. Hey, I told your dad this already, but I’ll tell you too. After this, nobody else is allowed to bother me. Even if breakfast turns out to be solid gold flapjacks and bacon made of money. I’ll get up when I get up and not a minute soone
r.”
The teenager shot me a salute and put the chair back over by the dresser. She opened the door, slipped through it, and shut it behind her.
“That was nice,” Hope said. “She’s a nice girl.”
“She is a nice girl,” I replied as I rearranged my coverings and settled in for a third time.
Another knock came at the door.
“Oh, my fucking gods,” I said to the ceiling. Then I turned toward the door. “Go away! Pandora died!”
“Dora! Dora! I really need to talk to you.” Was that? Could it be? It was. It was Hermes. How had he known where to find us? How had he gotten past the Neo-Olympians?
“Come in,” I said with a feeling that was way beyond simple reluctance.
Hermes came in, pulled the chair away from the dresser and sat down.
I said something then I almost instantly regretted. “Should I put my clothes on? Are you gonna start playing tug-o-war with cyclops?”
The messenger god scrunched his face as though he’d bitten into both a lemon and a grapefruit. “Gross,” he said. “I would never do that. You’re like part of my immediate family.”
“Right. Sorry. That reminds me... A few days ago, when Medea was pretending to be you, she said something lascivious about my tits. That should’ve been a giveaway.”
“You’re right. It should’ve been. I’m a big, pervy creep, but I’m not that big a pervy creep.”
I took a deep breath. “And yet still this is awkward...”
Hermes nodded without reservation. “I know. Of course. That’s why I’m here.”
I sat up a little straighter and put my back against the wall again. “Can you tell me what it is you’re looking to do by helping Adrestia do... whatever it is she’s trying to do.”
“She’s trying to get hold of Pegasus.”
“Right. Good. That part was obvious. You realize this isn’t just a case of your daughter wanting a pony, right? She wants to kill Pegasus—the most sacred animal in all Greek myth—and feed his blood to the Kraken—one of the most, if not the most, despicable monsters from said myths.”
The Olympian squirmed and made a bad joke. “Pony... Giant sea monster... What’s the difference?”
I gave him the stink-eye. “The difference is the giant sea monster’s sole purpose is to break things. The last time he got rolled out, he was supposed to drag the city of Argus under the ocean. I know you divines don’t care about this sort of thing, but there were thousands of people living in Argus and I assume they weren’t especially psyched about drowning.”
“There’s that patented Pandora snark.”
“Don’t interrupt. I was building to a question.”
“Sorry,” he replied.
“Since the Kraken is in no way cuddly and does not give good financial advice, what does Adrestia want him for? More specifically: What is she looking to break?”
Again, with the squirming. “I really shouldn’t be talking about this...”
“Then why’d you come? What’d you wanna talk about?”
Hermes sighed, and his eyes darted as he tried to nail down his own thoughts. “You know Adrestia is my daughter. My flesh and blood daughter. You also know I feel an obligation to her because of the blood bond. On the other hand, I know—just so we’re clear—that Adrestia is crazy. And yet still there’s that obligation. You know me: I pride myself on a certain pragmatism despite my trickster nature. I do my best to course correct my daughter’s behavior but none of it takes. It’s like pissing into the wind.”
“At what point do you put your dick away and stop with the pissing?”
He grinned a little. “I’m starting to rethink that metaphor. But, to give you a straight answer, I don’t know. It’s been forever and, gods help me, I still don’t know. All I can say is, you’re lucky you never had kids.”
“Okay, but why’re you telling me this?”
“Mainly I wanted you to know that, regardless of what happens in the near future, I’m sorry and I wish my real daughter was more like you.”
That was nice and all, but I shunted it aside—because there were bigger issues in play. “Hermes...” I said sternly.
He was cowed despite the difference in our stations. “What?” he said, sounding like a little boy.
“What’s gonna happen in the near future? I need to know. I got people to look out for—one of whom is me. One of whom is your granddaughter. She’s your blood. Does that factor in? Plus, I have a nagging sense of fair play. I wish I didn’t, but I do. What that means is, if Adrestia is up to whack shit, I’m gonna wanna put a stop to it.”
“I know you are, and that’s partly why I care for you the way I do.”
“Hermes, don’t take this the wrong way—I appreciate the nice things you’re saying—but if all you came here to do was drop teasers for nasty shit, I think you oughta leave.”
He winced again and exhaled sharply. “Wow. You would’ve been a lousy politician. There’s not an obfuscating bone in your body.”
“Mama don’t got time for bullshit.”
He stood, placing the chair by the dresser again. He looked like he wanted to say something. He also looked like he didn’t know what it was he should say. He nodded to me and opened the door.
As soon as the door was cracked, I heard a commotion and some loud neighing. I was up and at ‘em much quicker than I would’ve thought possible, my body fired with adrenaline. I grabbed the bathrobe hanging from the lavatory bathroom, dropped my blankets, put the robe on, cinched it at the waist, grabbed Hope and ran out past Hermes. As I went by, I said, “If you care about me at all, you’ll stay out of this—whatever it is.” He gave me a hurt look and I brushed past him into the hallway. The other bedrooms were opening up, too, and all my friends were peeking out, bleary-eyed. “Stay here,” I said to them. “There’s no sense in all of us getting killed.” All of them obliged except Keri. I gave her a sharp look. “No way, young lady. You’re hanging back.”
The teenager shook her head. “You said you wouldn’t be my mom, so you can’t talk to me that way.”
The two of us burst out of the house. It took us a moment to get oriented, but the renewal of Pegasus’ alarmed nickering drew our attention to where it needed to be. Outside the horse’s corral, a cloud of ominous gray vapor wafted. Meanwhile, Adrestia was coming out of the main house carrying Clytemnestra’s dagger.
The Kraken was hovering on Addie’s left so I went around that side of the paddock. Keri was right at my heels. “Careful,” I said. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
The Wiener girl snorted. “I’ve actually fought this asshole before. Have you?”
“Yes,” I said, and it was the truth. “But I have no intention of fighting him.” My hand went to the stopper on the pithos. I held onto it tight, preparing myself for the exact right moment.
In my peripheral vision, I saw all the exterior lights go on. It was hard to miss. Suddenly, Acadine was lit up bright as day. There were also Neo-Olympians coming out of all the buildings in various stages of undress. I saw Squire exit the main structure, belting an ankle-length robe as though he were going to the end of the driveway to get his paper. A voice from behind me said, “Yo, call your people off! We got some dangerous shit going down!”
I spared a glance over my shoulder. The speaker had been Petey. He and the other bronies hadn’t honored my request to stay indoors. Now I had to worry about four men completely ill-prepared to deal with demigoddesses and ancient Evils. I pointed my eyes forward again, putting it out of my mind. If I worried about everything I had to worry about, I’d never get the job done.
Diagonally from me, Adrestia jumped over the fence without laying a hand on the top beam—an amazing feat of dexterity considering she was carrying a super-pointy dagger. Her intent was obvious—she meant to stab our sacred horse, so the Kraken could drink its blood. Yet another tactical factor I didn’t have the brain juice to think about. I was still focused on nabbing the Kraken. That way, even if Addie killed
Pegasus, the monster wouldn’t be around to enjoy the fruits of her labors.
Behind me, Keri too leapt into the corral like an Olympic gymnast. She made a beeline for her mother. “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” I said, even though I was sure she couldn’t hear me. I turned my attention to Nicky Parsons, AKA Hope. “How we doing?”
“Any time you’re ready,” she replied, as certain as I’d ever heard her.
I slid to a halt in my bare feet and held the pithos firmly under my right armpit. I ripped off the lid and the beautiful suction began. It was finally time to Ghostbuster our semiaquatic nemesis. Meanwhile, the Kraken did something unexpected, heinous and tactically brilliant all at once: It flew in a wide arc away from me, making it so its trajectory into the pithos would carry it above Keri and Adrestia. When it was at the right point in space, it used the last of its energy to dip down and enter into Keri. Keri screamed, and her sclera turned red. She spasmed, clearly trying to fight the demon that possessed her, but the Kraken was designed by Poseidon to wreck ships and rip coastal towns into the sea. The teenager, though she was a demigoddess, never stood a chance.
Elijah, Chad, Tiresias and Petey ran from the farmhouse to the paddock, alarmed but helpless. Squire and his people ran to the paddock in front of them and also stood impotently. Pegasus was neighing, the whites of his eyes were showing, and he kicked at the air.
Meanwhile, something terrible was happening to Keri. Caught between the twin forces of the invading Kraken and the strong attraction of the pithos, she was jerking in the air. The sea monster was able to use her divine energies to resist imprisonment and I was afraid the girl would be torn apart. I was afraid, but I was frozen into inaction. Hope snapped me out of it. “No! Dora! Seal the pithos! Seal the pithos!”
She was right. I slammed the lid back on the jug, and Keri dropped to the ground. She was no longer in danger of being ripped limb from limb, but I knew she was at the complete mercy of the Kraken. Whether she lived depended on his mood. When he left her body again, he could easily destroy her—and I couldn’t imagine a scenario where a monster, driven by such primal forces, wouldn’t end her life when he got tired of her.
