by D. J. Manly
Angelo's eyes opened up and he looked at him.
"Don't say things you don't mean," he told him in a low voice.
"But I do mean it. I..." he smiled. "Never mind. Come on, let's take the car and go get your bike and then we'll bring it back here. Will you drive it?"
"Ya, okay, at least I'll try," Angelo nodded and went to get out of the car. Tony reached over, placed a hand on his arm and then kissed him. It was a tender, good morning kind of kiss. It lasted far too long.
Angelo smiled at him, dazed by the kiss. He was exhausted, he had a headache and he needed a shower, but he couldn't remember being happier in his entire life. God, it was a feeling that frightened him.
* * * * * *
Christmas Eve was to be an exciting one. Drake was having his house professionally decorated for the festivities, and Johnny, after four months in the hospital, was finally coming home.
Tony sat at his uncle's house on the morning of Christmas Eve with a cup of coffee in his hand. The decorators had come and gone. Soon the caterers would be here. Drake had invited almost two hundred people tonight. It was to be some party.
He had spent a great deal of time with Drake lately, trying to get to know him better. He hadn't given up on his desire to sleep with him, but he had put it on hold for a while. His few attempts had gotten him nowhere, and he didn't want to piss him off. He discovered that Drake was a fun guy to be around. He liked to joke and tease, and he was dead serious about his music. He was teaching Tony how to play the guitar.
Tony did attempt to question him about his relationship with his father a couple of times, but he got nowhere fast. Drake didn't seem to want to even discuss his childhood. There was a lot of pain in his eyes at times. Tony backed off.
Today, Drake was in a great mood. His brother was coming home from the hospital. The house looked wonderful with its eight-foot white Christmas tree decorated with real candles and red satin bows. There was garland draped over the sweeping staircase and mistletoe everywhere. There were tons of brightly wrapped gifts under the tree and the new CD was on sale in time for Christmas, which would definitely ensure its success.
Sophia had gone Christmas shopping with Pepi that morning and he was alone with his uncle, who was still in his robe at ten in the morning. He had spent last night helping him wrap gifts, and it had been fun. His grandmother had baked Christmas cookies and they had all decorated them. Pepi, Mac and Aunt Janet had come over later as well. Only Angelo stayed away. He was working.
It seemed that Angelo worked all the damned time lately, and he seemed distant after that night with Luke and Frank. With Christmas coming up, Company Angelo was booked solid. He wasn't even going to be able to attend his dad's Christmas party, which disappointed Tony.
Tony looked at his uncle now. He was opening his mail. He looked happy and relaxed and young. His long dark hair kept falling into his eyes and he pushed it away. The long, tattered blue terrycloth robe made him look sexy, even if it was the most un-sexiest piece of clothing he had ever seen. He threw his legs up on the coffee table and opened another card. "Shit, I get so many I don't what to do with them all," he was saying.
"Open some, will ya?" He reached around and pushed a bag toward him.
"Are these cards from fans?" Tony gasped.
"No. My fan club handles those. These are just from people I've known, worked with, met. Show biz people, celebrities."
"Wow, this one's from that actor...eh...Kyle Montrose. Shit. What do you want me to do with them?" Tony asked.
"I don't know. Maybe put some on the mantle. Get some tape or a string and put them around somewhere."
"Uncle Drake," Tony said suddenly, finishing off his coffee. "Is Dad happy?"
"Your dad?" Drake looked over at him. "Why do you ask?"
"How come he's alone? How come you're alone? Do you think I'm going to end up like that?"
"I wasn't always alone and no, I don't think you'll end up like that. Now, I'm going to take a shower and get dressed. Do you want me to drive you back to your aunt's later?"
"Ya, okay. It was fun last night, thanks."
Drake went to take a shower.
Sophia came home a few minutes later with parcels.
She was tired. She sat down beside her grandson and kicked off her shoes. She explained her exciting yet hectic morning shopping. "It's madness to go shopping today."
After a few minutes, Tony sucked in a deep breath and then asked her if she thought his father was happy.
"Of course Johnny is happy. All three of my sons are happy."
"I don't think so, Grandma. I think that Drake and Johnny are especially unhappy. There is so much pain. I don't understand it. Pepi seems affected by it, too, although not in the same way. What was Uncle Drake and Dad like as kids?"
"They were normal boys. I brought them up right!"
She seemed angry. "They are happy. If only they would find some nice woman and settle down. Damn it. They both need that."
Tony said nothing. He knew his dad was gay and Uncle Drake seemed to swing both ways. A nice woman wouldn't cut it for Dad, but he guessed Grandma didn't know that.
When Drake came out, fresh from the shower, he looked so handsome, so much like her Drake that she actually felt her heart skip a beat. She walked up to him and held him. "My baby," she said.
"Mama," Drake protested. "What is it?"
"Nothing. You're so handsome, just like your father."
"Mama, I don't look anything like Papa. I never did."
"I mean...your grandfather, of course. Johnny looks like Papa."
"I look like no one," Drake laughed, grinning at his nephew.
"What have you been telling this poor boy anyway, Drake?" Mama demanded suddenly. "He seems to think my boys are all miserable. Are you unhappy, darling?"
Drake sighed. "Mama, it's Christmas. Forget it. I'm fine, and I haven't been telling Tony anything. Now I'm going to drive him to Janet's and I'll be back later, okay?"
He gave her a kiss on the cheek and left with his nephew.
In the car, Tony watched him as he drove. He was a fast driver but cautious, used to driving in L.A.
When he asked him out of the blue if he and Angelo had been sleeping together, it took him by surprise. He entwined his fingers and grimaced. "Who told you that?"
"No one. I have eyes."
"It was only twice, and I was the one who was the aggressor both times."
"Why?"
"I wanted to lose my virginity, and I was less afraid to do it with Angelo." His face went crimson.
"Why the second time?" Drake asked, glancing at him as he entered the freeway.
"I was stoned and I wanted him. He was stoned too."
"I see," Drake replied.
"It's no big deal, Uncle Drake, really," Tony offered.
"Yes it is. It's a really big deal."
"Why, because we're cousins? Cousins are no big deal compared to brothers!"
"What did you say?" Drake demanded.
Tony placed a hand over his mouth. Dear God. He didn't say that, did he? Dear God.
Drake slammed his foot on the brake and screeched the car to a halt right there on the side of the freeway.
Cars blew their horns as they went by.
He grabbed Tony by the collar. "What in fuck did you mean by that?"
"I know...I know, and so does Angelo," Tony blurted. "You and Dad...you're in love. You even made love once. I know that..." Tony was crying. He couldn't help it.
Drake's eyes were dark with unexpressed emotion.
He started the engine and carefully manoeuvred the car back out on the Freeway.
They drove in silence.
Tony knew Drake was very upset. "Let's go somewhere, talk about this. You need to talk about it. Please, Uncle Drake, tell me how you could be in love with my father when you're brothers."
Drake drove to one of the parks. He pulled the car to a halt and got out. Tony got out after him. They walked for a long time through a wa
lking trail in the woods before Drake said anything.
Finally he turned around and met his eyes. "You'll think we're sick. You'll judge us, and...."
"No," Tony shook his head. "How did it happen? Have you always felt this way?"
"It's madness." He sat down on a bench. "It started long ago and it never stopped. It has destroyed our lives. Your father wants me to overlook the fact that we're brothers, but I can't. He doesn't care. He wants me to be his lover. He wants us to be together. I want that too but I can't deal with it. It's too much for me."
"Did you ever try to..."
"Seek help?" Drake laughed. "There is no cure, Tony. Your father goes to therapy still. We were destined to be lovers, but we were born wrong. We weren't supposed to be brothers. It just worked out that way. It's a curse, and it doesn't matter who I'm with, it never lasts because it's your father I love. That's all there is to it. It will be like that until we die."
Tony reached out and took his hand. "I feel sad for you, Uncle Drake, and sad for my father."
"Hold me, then," he said softly, gathering Tony into his arms. They sat there on the bench a long time like that.
By the time they reached Janet's, there was a new closeness between them. Mac was there, and he and Drake immediately started discussing the sale of the new CD.
Janet poured them each a drink.
Tony excused himself and went to his room. He heard some noises coming from the room next door so he left his and went to his cousin's. He knocked.
Angelo answered.
"Hello," Tony said. "I didn't know you were here. I guess I should wish you a merry Christmas, since you won't be around tonight."
"Thanks. Same to you." Angelo was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, and he was in the process of cleaning up his room.
Tony stepped inside. "Can I help?"
Angelo moved to get by him, and their bodies brushed close together for a moment.
Tony felt a rush of heat permeate his skin. "Sorry," he breathed.
Angelo looked back at him and smiled. "For what?"
"Being in your way, I guess. So, same place tonight?"
"Nope. A better place called The Crystal Room," he said. He was putting some papers into a garbage bag.
Tony couldn't help but watch the way his damp hair caught the sun from the window or admire the way his body looked even in sloppy sweat pants.
Tony went to slide past him now and as he did, Angelo turned around. They were face to face, standing too close. It was Angelo who reached out and caressed his cheek.
Tony wasn't prepared for how that simple touch would affect him. He closed his eyes, and felt Angelo's chest crushing against his. He was in his arms, and Angelo's mouth was coming down hard against his. It was a deep and well-intentioned kiss, the kind of kiss meant to lead somewhere.
This one didn't. Angelo released him. "Merry Christmas, Tony." He gave him a heart-wrenching smile and then turned back to his chore.
Tony reached for the doorknob, feeling a little unsteady on his feet. "I'm not in love with you, you know," he murmured aloud.
Angelo froze for a moment and then looked back at him over his shoulder. "Good," he said, giving him a brief smile, then turned away again.
Tony left the room. He had no idea why he had said that. He just suddenly felt like he had to. Goddamn it.
He came out here an ignorant little jerk, and asked one favour of his good-looking cousin. He asked him to help him not be so ignorant. He did that.
Now he was free, free to sleep with who he wanted, fulfil every fantasy. He wasn't going to ruin it by falling in love with him. If he was to fall in love with the guy just because...oh, it was stupid. He just wanted him to know that sometimes he said things like the last time after making love in the car, he told him he wouldn't mind doing that every night with him. But people say things in the heat of the moment, didn't they?
The guy did know how to make love. He was damned good at it. He hadn't found anyone quite like him, but that wasn't everything. He wasn't going to be that little jerk anymore. He wanted to be sophisticated.
He was too young to limit himself to just one guy, not when he had just discovered the pleasures of sex.
Angelo had left his room now. He was with his parents and Mac in the kitchen. He could hear them talking. Tony let them be. He was a little tired, so he laid down to take a nap.
The phone woke him. He got up and answered it.
The house seemed empty.
"Tony?" the voice said.
"Dad?" He recognized Tom Newton's voice immediately. "Dad, I've missed you. How are you?"
"Fine. I've missed you too, Son. I just couldn't let Christmas go by without calling. How are you? Tell me everything."
"Dad is getting...well, Johnny Dad is getting out of the hospital today. We're just getting to know one another."
"I'm glad. Are you thinking of staying in L.A.?"
"I was. I wanted to stay with Dad for a while, go to school here."
"I think I should warn you that your mother has other ideas. She's planning on coming out there after you in January. She is determined that you are coming back with her."
Tony sighed. "Oh, no. Can't you stop her? Talk to her, Dad, tell her I..."
"We're getting a divorce, Tony. We're not living together anymore. I'm afraid I have no influence on her anymore."
"Oh, Dad, no. I'm sorry." Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I feel responsible for all this..."
"It's not your fault, son. She still loves your biological father," he said.
He talked to his father for another few minutes and then hung up.
He was really bothered by the idea that his mother was coming out here after him in the New Year. Thank God his dad would be out of the hospital. Tony had already discussed the possibility of going to school here with Johnny. He was delighted. Actually, they would both live with Drake for a little while until Dad got strong enough to live on his own, then they would move into his house. He was really excited about that, and his mother could do nothing to change it.
He was feeling pretty bad about his parent's divorce and told Janet about the phone call when she returned from doing some last-minute shopping herself. She was a sympathetic listener as always, and tried to ease his mind by saying that his mother couldn't make him go home if he didn't want to.
At seven, they got ready for the party. He dressed up in his red silk shirt and black dress pants and went to stand in his cousin's room. The room had been cleaned and picked up but it smelled like him, a mixture of vanilla-smelling shower gel and some musky aftershave. He laid his head on his pillow for a second and then scolded himself and walked down the hall to the kitchen.
On the counter in the kitchen sat two little gift-wrapped boxes. One was marked Mom, the other Tony.
His aunt suddenly came out to stand beside him. She wore a simple black dress with pearls and black velvet shoes. She looked wonderful.
"Don't you look nice," she told her nephew.
He returned the compliment. "Mac's a lucky guy."
That pleased her. "What's that?" she asked, looking at the boxes.
"This one is yours, that one is mine. From Angelo, no doubt."
"Should we open it?" Janet giggled.
"Why not?" Tony replied.
He waited for his aunt to open hers. It was a gold charm on a slender gold chain. The charm was shaped like a wedding bouquet. Tears welled up in her eyes.
"My sweet son," she murmured.
"It's beautiful," Tony murmured, tearing open his.
As soon as he looked at it, he closed the box and sat it on the counter. A lump settled in his throat.
"Are you okay, Tony? What is it?" Janet asked.
He pushed the box over to her. She opened it and stared at it. "I don't understand. What's this supposed to mean?"
It was one half of a gold heart welded onto a chain.
"Don't you see, it's half a heart, Aunt Janet. It's a broken heart."
&n
bsp; She shook her head. "Yours, or his?"
"I don't know. Maybe both."
"Are you going to tell me what has been going on between the two of you? I know I've been with Mac a lot, and---"
"Do you remember your suggestion to me that I go to Angelo for help with my...questions about things?"
Tony lifted an eyebrow.
"Yes?" She said suspiciously.
"Well, Auntie..." Tony placed an arm around her.
"Your son was extremely helpful, if you get my drift, and I demanded more help from him than..."
Her eyes widened. "Tony...he's...your..."
"Cousin, which doesn't mean a whole lot to people nowadays. We're only cousins, Aunt Janet."
She sighed. "Okay, you're right. Cousins are...well, I guess it's okay, not the best, but okay. It was just once?"
"Twice, actually, and it would have been more if it was up to me. He didn't want to. It's complicated. I said some things I shouldn't have. I didn't expect it to get too heavy, and I don't know. Things don't make sense. They don't go the way they should sometimes."
"And now?"
"Now I hate him for making me want him, that's all." Tony let out a strangled sob. "It's not love, just lust, but all the same." He reached for the heart and threw it across the room. "He knows just how to get to me. Damn him. I just want to be free and have fun. I'm sorry, Aunt Janet, I know he's your son, but does he have to be so...so...I don't know...so desirable and impossible at the same time?"
Janet shook her head. "We'll have to talk about this later. Let's go. Your dad should be at Drake's by now, and everyone is going to have a fit if we're late. Why does everything around here have to be so complicated? Why can't they be simple sometimes?"
Tony dried his eyes and nodded. "I don't know. Forget it for now. I'm ready," he said, but before he left, he bent down and picked up the charm. He placed it around his neck. He had a feeling that Angelo had the other half.
This concludes Episode Five of The Russos.
Stay tuned next month for the exciting Episode Six:
