by L A Cotton
“Doc has arranged the ultrasound. Are we good to do it now?”
“I...” Screwing my eyes shut, I inhaled a deep breath. I’d imagined this day. Not because I wanted kids anytime soon, but because when I looked into the future, I saw me and Nick with a couple kids. A girl with blonde hair and blue eyes just like me, and a little boy who looked just like his daddy with dark unruly hair and brown soulful eyes.
Grief pinched my heart, mourning for the life I’d never have.
The life he’d thrown away, and for what?
“I feel like I’m grieving for him,” I admitted. “For my dreams. Is that normal?”
Nurse Mandy wheeled a chair to the edge of the bed and helped me into it. “I’d like to tell you it gets easier, doll...” Her words trailed off. “Let’s give it a minute and I’ll wheel you down to the ultrasound technician.”
“I still can’t believe this is happening.” I swallowed the tears threatening to fall.
“One step at a time,” Nurse Mandy’s voice was soft, comforting, but it did little to ease the storm thrashing inside me. “Let’s just take this one step at a time.”
THE ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN’S room was small, equipped with a bed, various computer screens, and trolleys full of medical supplies. When she’d wheeled me inside, Nurse Mandy had asked me again if I was sure I didn’t want someone here with me. I’d assured her I didn’t, but now I was lying on the bed, with a dollop of cold gel on my stomach, and something more than just butterflies in my tummy, I wasn’t so sure.
In a different time and place, it would have been Nick here with me. He would have held my hand and whispered words of comfort into my ear while we waited for the technician to do whatever it was she needed to do.
“Okay, Summer, shall we take a look?”
“I, uh, I guess.”
The woman, who according to her name tag was called Sheryl, gave me a reassuring smile. “It’ll feel a little weird, but it shouldn’t hurt.” She pressed the probe onto my tummy, rolling it around in the gel, her eyes fixed on the screen. I’d seen pictures of baby scans before but never so up close. Nothing stood out to me. Until I heard it.
Thud thud thud.
“Good,” Sheryl said. “We’ve got a strong heartbeat.”
A heartbeat.
My baby had a heartbeat.
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or puke all over her hand.
“Would you like to see your baby?” she asked, and I nodded, unable to formulate a reply as tears rushed up my throat.
Your baby.
“Okay.” She pushed the screen slightly to save me craning my neck around to see. “This is your uterus.” Her finger ran around the dark smudge, lingering on a lighter shape. It reminded me of a fava bean. “And this little thing, is your baby. From looking at your measurements, I’d say you’re about nine weeks pregnant.”
“Oh my god,” I breathed through the tears streaming down my face.
“Here.” She offered me a box of tissues. “It can be quite overwhelming.”
Pressing my lips together, I nodded.
“Do you have someone outside I can get for you?”
“No.”
“Doctor Narfaris explained you weren’t aware you were pregnant?”
“I had no idea, I’m on birth control.” And I hadn’t had a break last month, wanting to avoid my period over the summer break. Nick had taken me to Disney... it had been a surprise. Now I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been a guilt-trip.
My chest constricted, squeezing the air right out from my lungs.
“It happens. Let me get you cleaned up.” She hit a few more buttons on the screen and then removed the probe from my stomach and handed me a wad of paper towel. “Would you like me to print out a picture for you?”
“Y- yes please.”
There was a knock at the door and Nurse Mandy stuck her head into the room. “How are we doing?”
“Almost done, just printing Summer a picture and she’s all yours.”
I knew medical staff were supposed to remain professional, but I was grateful for Nurse Mandy’s support. If my cousin, Lo, hadn’t already been back at college with Maverick, I would have called her and asked her to be here. She’d been there with me before. But that was before she and my brother were official. Now, involving her would no doubt involve him, and I wasn’t ready for him to know.
I couldn’t ever imagine being ready.
I loved my brothers something fierce, but it hadn’t always been easy growing up in their shadow. Our family’s past was ugly, and they’d done everything in their power to protect me from that, but this was my burden to bear. My secret to carry. At least until I could figure out what the hell I was going to do.
“Here you go.” The ultrasound technician slid the envelope into my hand and I forced a smile over the tears still falling.
“Thank you.”
“Come on, doll, let’s get you back to your room. Doctor Nafaris would like to talk to you before you’re discharged.”
“I can go home?”
“You can.” She smiled warmly, helping me into the wheelchair. I clutched the envelope to my chest as she pushed me back down the long sterile hall. It still didn’t feel real. And I didn’t know how to feel. No, that wasn’t right. I felt everything, too much all at once. Hurt. Angry. Alone. Scared. Excited.
Love.
God, I already felt so much love for the tiny bean growing inside me.
How was that possible?
But the feeling was bittersweet, tainted by Nick’s betrayal.
“Here we are,” Nurse Mandy’s voice cut through my reverie. “I’m going to see about these discharge papers, okay?”
“Okay, and thank you,” I found my voice. “For everything.”
“Hush now, doll, it’s all part of the service.” She winked. “And remember what I said, God doesn’t send us any trials we can’t withstand.”
Faith wasn’t something I shared with her, but Nurse Mandy’s words made me smile all the same. She left and I slowly pulled out the scan photo, my finger running across the tiny blob.
“Hi, baby,” I whispered, tears pooling in my eyes. “You gave me quite the surprise.”
A baby.
I was having a baby.
Because as I stared down at the grainy image, I knew my decision was made. Regardless of what happened between me and Nick, regardless of what my family thought or wanted me to do, I was keeping this baby.
My baby.
“YOU’RE VIBRATING,” Mom said as she drove us home. After Doctor Narfaris stopped by to ask me to take it easy and arrange an appointment with a midwife or Ob-Gyn as soon as possible, I’d called Mom and told her I was being discharged.
My eyes dropped to my cell phone charging in the console. “It’s Nick.”
“Maybe you should—”
“I’m not ready, Mom.”
“Okay.” She patted my knee as I rested my head against the glass. The vibrating continued and with an exasperated sigh, I leaned over to switch it off when I saw my brother’s name.
“You told him?”
Mom’s cheeked flushed. “He called; I couldn’t lie to him, Summer.”
Rolling my eyes, I snatched up the cell phone and hit receive. “Tell me it’s not true,” my brother Kyle’s voice filled the line. “Tell me I haven’t got to go over there and break his fucking legs.”
“Kyle, please—”
“Shit, Sum, I’m sorry. I didn’t... I wasn’t thinking. How are you? Mom said you fainted. What the hell, Sis?”
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t do that,” he ground out. “Don’t lie to me. I can’t believe he did that—” Kyle grunted, and I heard his girlfriend Laurie in the background. “Laurie says hi and that she’s sorry.”
“Hey, Laurie,” I murmured.
“Seriously though, tell me what you need. Do you want me to come back? I can talk to Coach and—”
“No,” I rushed out. “You don’t need
to do that, I’ll be okay. I just need some time to figure out what I’m going to do.”
“At least you’ll have me and Laurie when you get here.”
“Kyle, I...”
“I don’t like where I think this is going.” He knew me too well. “This is college, your future, Sum. You can’t give it all up because Nicky boy can’t keep his di—Ouch, babe, will you back the fuck up? Sorry, Sis, Laurie is—”
“I have to go.”
“Shit.” Regret flooded his voice. “I made it worse, didn’t I?”
“No, you didn’t. I just... I need time, Kyle.” Mom patted my knee again, and I offered her a weak smile.
“Whatever you say, Sis. But if you need anything, call me, promise?”
“I promise.” We hung up, and I threw my cell phone back into the center console.
“He means well, Summer.”
“I know, it’s just, I need to figure this out on my own.”
“You’re supposed to be leaving next week—”
“Mom!”
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I just hate him for this, baby. I know you, Summer, and I know you’re probably thinking of pulling out of college right now; but Kyle is right, you can’t give up your dreams because he broke your heart. There’ll be other—”
“Seriously, Mom, if you say there’ll be other guys, I will lose my shit.”
“Summer May Stone-Prince,” she gasped, as surprised as I was that I’d cussed. But my life was literally falling apart at the seams; she was lucky I wasn’t dropping the F-bomb.
“Can you just not, okay? I can’t think straight at the minute, let alone make any big decisions.”
“Of course, baby, I’m sorry. Take all the time you need.” Mom leaned over and squeezed my hand, but as she pulled into our long winding drive, toward the house, I knew she was right. I would have to make a decision about my future soon enough.
It just wasn’t the one she expected.
Chapter 3
Summer
I kicked my sandals off, letting my feet sink into the warm sand. The sun wouldn’t set for at least another couple of hours, but the temperature had cooled enough to make it comfortable. The bay was quieter now, the groups of kids making the most of their last few days of summer break had moved on to The Shack for food, or someone’s house for a party. I found a quiet spot and sat down, tucking my legs underneath me.
I’d needed this. Space to think. The fresh air filled my lungs making it slightly easier to breathe. Ever since Mom brought me home, my cell phone had been blowing up with texts from my brothers, and from Macey, my sister. I’d kept all my replies brief. Nick had cheated. I’d passed out. No, I didn’t want to talk about it yet. Surprisingly, they didn’t push. If they hadn’t all been off doing their own thing, living their own lives, it would have been different. Part of me was relieved. This wasn’t something I wanted to deal with, let alone try to deal with while they suffocated me with their overprotective big brother routine.
“Summer?”
My blood turned cold as Nick’s voice reached the deepest parts of me. “Go away, Nick.” I refused to look at him, silently cussing my mom who had no doubt caved and told him where I was.
Traitor.
“Please, Summer, we need to talk.” He dropped to the sand beside me, angling himself to me so that I had no choice but to look at him.
“I’m not ready, Nick.”
He looked as broken as I felt. But I tamped down any trace of sympathy. He didn’t deserve it.
“Summer, please...” His finger brushed my jaw, but I jerked away, hardly able to stand his touch.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Tell me what I can to fix this, tell me what—”
“Stop, Nick.” The words came out a pained whisper. “Just stop.”
“I screwed up. I made one bad decision. We can get through this.” He sounded desperate now, his voice raw. “We’ll move to USC and—”
“Is that what you really think of me?” I gawked at him. “You think I’ll just brush this under the rug and paste on a smile and forget that you fucked someone else?”
The word echoed around us. I didn’t cuss. It wasn’t my style. But what other word aptly described what he did with... with her.
“But it’s our dream. You and me and college.”
“No, Nick.” Silent tears tracked down my face. “It was our dream and you destroyed it.” I grabbed my sandals and stood up. I came here for space. A chance to try to process the last ten hours. But now I couldn’t think straight, not with him looking at me like that. Pleading with me with his big brown eyes.
Eyes I’d always been able to forgive.
“Babe, come on.” He leaped up and snagged my hand. “Talk to me. We can’t just throw everything away because I made a mistake.”
“We?” My voice was shrill now. “We’re not doing anything. You did this. You ruined us.” Me. You ruined me.
Before this morning, finding out I was pregnant would have been a huge shock, but Nick would have stood by me, supported my decision about what to do. But now... God, I couldn’t even let my mind go there.
“You have to forgive me. I love you. I—”
“Don’t you get it?” I said, finding my voice. “You betrayed me, Nick. And the worst of it is, I knew. Deep down, I knew something was wrong.” I just hadn’t wanted to believe it.
After graduation, Nick went to work at his family’s company. He’d wanted to save for when we moved to college. But something changed. He became distant. Quiet. But I’d just thought it was because he was working hard and nervous about moving to college.
“When?” I spat out and he blanched.
“W- when?”
“Yeah, when did it happen?”
“I, uh...” He ran a hand over his head and down the back of his neck. “Shit, Summer, you really want to know this stuff?”
“When?” I ground out.
“It was two weeks ago.” His eyes darted to the ground.
“Two weeks...” It came out small. “But we...”
Bile rushed up my throat and I inhaled a lungful of sea air. “You should go.” I needed to get away from him.
“Summer, babe, come on—”
“Leave, Nick. Now, please.”
He pulled me into his arms, wrapping me into a tight embrace. I slammed my hand against his chest, pounding hard. “Don’t touch me,” I screamed, trying to break free. “You have no right to touch me.”
“Please,” he begged, releasing his grip but still holding my arms. “Don’t do this, don’t—”
“I think she said she wanted you to leave,” a deep voice said, and I glanced sideways to find a guy I recognized from my brother’s class glaring at Nick.
“Little Summer Stone-Prince,” he said inching closer to me. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” my voice betrayed me, quivering. “Nick was just leaving.”
“Summer,” he started, but stopped himself. “Yeah, okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He turned and left, shoulders slumped, fists curled at his sides.
“Thanks.” I couldn’t look at JB Holloway. Of all the people to witness... that, it had to be him. A guy my brother had never seen eye-to-eye with.
“Want to talk about it?” he asked, surprising me.
“No, I really don’t.”
“Fair enough.” He raked a hand through his damp hair, his skin glistening with sweat. I never really knew JB, being three years his junior. But he’d always seemed intimidating. Tall, built, and with eyes that looked right through you.
The way he was doing right now.
“That your guy? Nick Carlton, right?” He flicked his head over to Nick’s shrinking form in the distance.
“He was.”
“Bad break up?”
“He cheated on me.”
JB’s nostrils flared, his jaw clenched. “Fucker.”
I don’t know why but that made my lip curve slightly. “Anyway, thanks for the save,” I said, tucking my hair beh
ind my ear. “I should probably go.”
“You got a ride home?”
My eyes narrowed and his crinkled with amusement. “I might have been your brother’s enemy back in the day, but you’re still his little sister and I’m not a bad guy.”
My brow rose at that. “I’m eighteen. I don’t think you get to call me Rick’s little sister anymore.” My eyes widened, confused where my snarky attitude had come from. I sounded more like Macey or Kyle’s half-sister Kiera, than myself.
His eyes raked down me, slowly coming back to land on my face. “You’re right, you’re all grown up.” A smirk tugged at his lips.
Suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, I wrapped my arms around myself and stepped back. His expression hardened. “Shit, I... fuck. I didn’t mean...” JB rubbed the back of his neck and an awkward silence settled over us.
“It’s fine,” I croaked. “I’ve just had a really bad day. You did nothing wrong, but I should get going.”
“Yeah, okay. I need to finish up here anyway.” He had closed down, but I didn’t have it in me to care. I was emotionally drained, and it had been a bad idea thinking I could come here for some space. It was a public beach for Christ’s sake.
“Thanks again.” Offering him a smile, I turned away and hurried back to the parking lot, half-expecting to see Nick waiting to ambush me. But there was no sign of him.
And I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed.
I DIDN’T GO STRAIGHT home. Instead, I sat in my car, reading Nick’s text messages over and over.
Nick: I’m sorry, it was one time. A mistake. Something that will never happen again. I love you, Summer. I love you so fucking much.
Nick: Please, talk to me. Just let me explain...
Nick: I can’t breathe without you. This can’t be the end, it just can’t. We need to talk about this. Call me, please, I’m begging.
The rest were much the same. He was sorry. He’d made a terrible mistake. He loved me. I felt his pain in every word. His pain. But what about my pain? What about the hole I felt right where my heart was? It seemed unfair that I’d somehow become the villain in all of this because I refused to hear him out.
