by Kiera Cass
“If I get hacked to death in the night, I’m haunting your ass,” he said, obviously to Akinli.
The officer laughed.
“It’ll be fine,” Akinli replied.
And with that, it was settled. I got a few more moments with this wonderful boy.
I figured out that Akinli, like me, must be a guest here. He wouldn’t have to ask permission otherwise. And though Ben and Julie had allowed me to stay, they were nervous about it. After the circus of people left, I didn’t see Ben or Julie again. I think they locked themselves in their room.
I don’t know how long I sat there in the living room, but after the house was quiet, Akinli walked down the stairs. He looked at me with a gentle smile. I remembered that smile.
“I don’t know if anyone told you, but you’re going to be staying here tonight. I hope that’s okay with you.”
I smiled and nodded. As if he had to ask my permission.
“Are you hungry at all?” he asked.
I shook my head no.
“Are you sure? It’s been a long night. You’re welcome to anything here.”
I smiled and shook my head again.
“Okay. But you must be getting tired. I’ll go get something… less…” he waved his hands around in circles looking for the word, “frilly for you to sleep in. You’ll be staying in there,” he said, pointing to a door behind me. He vanished upstairs again. I went to the door and took a peek.
As planned, I was going to be staying in a guest room just off the living room. By the floor boards and where it was placed, I could see this room had once been a porch. Now it was enclosed for some reason or another and a new porch had been built outside it. The room had a large bay window that faced the Ocean. The middle window was wide open. They must have a low crime rate in Port Clyde.
Her waves were quiet. I looked at Her and, like a child, stuck out my tongue. I guess I wasn’t really breaking rules right now, but it was the closest I could get. And She wouldn’t know about it, and it felt freeing. I don’t know if I’d ever done anything for the sole purpose of being spiteful. But then again, I wasn’t staying with Akinli for spite alone. He returned to find me in the guest room.
“This is the best I can do. Julie’s already asleep, and I don’t think much of what I have is going to fit you.” He handed me a pair of boxer shorts that would no doubt need a safety pin to stay up and a green shirt that I guessed was too small for him. Boys never throw away things they should. He closed the door behind him, and I changed into his clothes. I felt strange about that. It seemed inappropriate, but my other option was to wear the dress all night. I couldn’t handle having Her on me right now, and I didn’t want to hurt Akinli’s feelings.
I emerged from the room to find him on the couch where I had been earlier. He was sitting in pajamas of his own and watching TV. Sweet, typical, American boy. I found the paper from earlier and asked for a safety pin, which took several minutes to find. Once I was sure my bottoms were going to stay up, I relaxed a little. I felt exposed like this.
“Do you want to hang out for a little while? Watch some TV?” he invited.
Not knowing when I’d have to leave him, I nodded my head, and we settled onto the couch together. I pulled into a ball to cover myself up; I felt so insecure. He mistook this posture for coldness, so he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and messily spread it over me. The channel was showing a commercial, but even from that I could tell we would be returning to sports. I had never been athletic myself, so I didn’t know much about any sport. I knew lots of guys liked football. Was this the season for football? When the show came back, it was full of giant men in tight clothes.
Akinli noticed my puzzled expression. He laughed.
“It’s a strong man competition. These things crack me up.”
We watched as men carried refrigerators, lifted huge smoothed boulders, and flipped massive tires in strange races. It was truly entertaining. And when the first man came up to pull an eighteen-wheeler into motion from a standstill, I pointed at the television and shook my fingers wildly. I couldn’t believe any human was that strong! I was quite durable, but I was sure that even I couldn’t do that.
“I know, I know!” he cried out. “It’s crazy!”
I nodded my head with a giddy smile on my face. He looked over at me and laughed. This must be what normal felt like. Jillian sometimes made me feel this way, like I was average.
Between the contests, he asked me questions, and I scribbled down the answers. They were easy enough.
“Favorite food?”
Cake. Any cake! Desserts in general.
“I can respect that. Cake is a good one, brownies, too. Mmmm.” I nodded in agreement. “I’m more of a pizza guy myself, though… Okay, favorite color?”
I like blues.
“Really? I was expecting pink. I thought all girls loved pink.” I rolled my eyes. He laughed. “Okay, I’m wrong. I got it. Well, I guess you were wearing blue when I found you. Did you pick out that dress?”
I didn’t know how to answer that one. “No” would have been the honest answer, but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to remember that detail. Then I wondered if I should be able to remember that I liked cake. I would have looked lost in thought, which I suppose is how I should look. This was going to be complicated. I shrugged.
“Fair enough. I like blue, too. What else… oh, favorite season?”
Autumn.
“Why autumn?”
I guess, I had to think a moment, I like the change. That everything is supposed to be dying, but it looks so lovely. And it’s predictable. Winters can be too cold or springs too wet or summers too dry, but falls are always beautiful.
“Wow. I like the way you said that. I think I feel the same way, but I wouldn’t have known what words to use, you know?” He smiled at me. “If you like fall, you would love it here. It’s amazing! I hope you get to see it.”
I felt strange at that. Was he planning to keep me around that long? He looked like he was almost blushing.
“Umm... what else? Do you like music?”
We passed the time so easily, I didn’t notice how late it had gotten. I didn’t need sleep, but I knew he must. So I pointed to the clock, to myself, and then to my room, letting him off the hook.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s about that time.” He seemed as hesitant to leave as I felt.
“Are you scared at all? Will you sleep okay? I could stay up while you slept if you want.” He misread the shock on my face. “I mean, sorry, I’m not trying to be creepy. I just figured you had a really bad day, and it might be hard to sleep alone.”
I didn’t know how to look helpless on purpose, so I looked hopeful and used my hands to express that he could come along.
I knew I was in trouble. I was already attached to him. Everything about him made me comfortable, and it couldn’t last. I knew that. I still had nineteen years to go. In nineteen years he would have a wife… maybe a family. Should that knowledge hurt me so much so soon? This would be short-lived. But I had no guarantee I would ever get to feel this again, no matter how long I lived after this life. So I took every second I could.
He pulled a cushy chair up near my bed. I crawled under the covers and faced him. His mouth pulled into his signature smile. I reached my hand out for his, and he took it. I squeezed it tight and looked at him with a gratitude that I hoped he would see.
Either he could see it or was a mind reader. He said “anytime.” He had no idea that I wasn’t thanking him for temporary quarters. What I was thanking him for was a chance to feel something I had been waiting for a hundred years. Even if it only lasted a night, even if I was the only one who felt it, I was grateful.
I feigned sleep, and after a while I heard him move. He was standing close to me, I could tell that. I could hear him breathing. What was he doing? And then I
felt his warm hand touch my forehead. And then my cheek. I held my act steady though his touch made me feel more than awake.
“Where in the world did you come from, you beautiful, silent girl?” he whispered. I felt him linger over me. It probably should have bothered me, but instead I tried to mentally will him closer. After a moment, I heard him slowly creep out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
I waited a few minutes. I heard the springs on the couch protest his squirming, but after a few moments he settled, and the whole house was quiet. I waited. His light snores carried into the guest room. I tiptoed across the floor and opened the door. I sat in the doorframe and watched him sleep. The steady movement of his chest was comforting. I must have stayed there for hours. I couldn’t pull my eyes away. It was like staring at a piece of art or the stars in the sky. I just had to watch him. What if he changed in the night and I missed it? I was perfectly comfortable propped up against the doorframe, spending a night silently close to Akinli.
It was around four when I heard the Ocean through the window asking where I was, if I was okay. I thought She’d give me more time. I didn’t want to go to Her, and technically this wouldn’t break the rules. She wasn’t giving me an order; this was a friendly inquiry. But I had no desire to be friendly towards Her. I wondered if She would leave me alone if I didn’t answer. Then I wondered if She would look for me in the rain or the fog. I’d have to give Her some kind of reply before She discovered what I was actually doing.
I could move quietly, that wasn’t a problem. It was the house that made me nervous. I decided to crawl out the already open window. I crept across the porch and ran the short distance to the coast. The rocks were a little difficult to navigate, but I found their edge and sat perched for a moment. She was only inches away. Could She sense I was near? I shielded my mind against Her, thinking only of the two words I needed to say. I shoved one foot deliberately into the water.
I’m fine.
I pulled my foot away and ran back to Akinli’s house. She would know I was where She had left me, unharmed, and still obedient. Well, almost.
I managed to get back into the house without being missed. I wanted to go back to my spot by the door, but I didn’t want to risk getting caught. Instead I curled up on the bed, full of thought. Sometimes I slept for the fun of it or to keep the habit because I would need it later. But tonight nothing could calm me. I stayed awake until the sun broke through the night in abundance.
I heard the three of them moving around, but I didn’t want to intrude. They assumed I went through some ordeal, so maybe I should be really tired. I caught bits of their sentences, but I felt guilty about eavesdropping.
“I’ll take Evan out, so it should be fine.” That was Ben’s voice.
“I can pick up a shift for him if he wants; tell him that.” Akinli.
“I’m going out for the day; I’m running errands. Will you be okay with her?” Julie.
“Her name’s Kahlen. And, gee, I don’t know… she is smaller than me… and frightened and alone. Maybe I should call in reinforcements.” Oh, Akinli…
“Shut up,” Ben and Julie said in unison. How cute!
The noise settled, doors opened and closed, cars came and went. After a while, all I could hear was the one person left. Akinli was doing something.
Around eight he knocked on the door and poked his head in. I sat up on the bed, and he said, “Good morning, prom queen.” An homage to my dress, I guessed. He came in with two plates of food and sat on the bed with me while we ate. The food was completely average, which led me to believe he made it. I appreciated the effort.
He told me that Julie and Ben had gone out, but would be back in the afternoon, and maybe we could do something together. He had already called the station this morning; no one was searching for me, or at least, it hadn’t been reported. He couldn’t believe that no one was noticing my absence from wherever I belonged. And then he said something that made the first time we met, the meeting he didn’t remember, make strange, sad sense.
“I hope your family isn’t freaking out somewhere. My parents used to worry about me a ton. When I went off to college, my mom called me every day. She was one of those moms, you know? She took good care of me. I loved her like crazy. My dad, too. It was just the three of us, so we were really close.”
I thought of my parents. They endlessly protected me, their oldest child, their only girl. They kept me out of danger as best they could. The biggest danger of my life had been my own doing. I lost them in the process. And two brothers— brothers I loved— all gone.
“My mom got sick during the fall of my junior year, so I went home. She had cancer, see. And once we were sure of how it was going to end, I had to go home. So I stayed with her and dad and just tried to be as good to her as she was to me.”
Oh, no!
“Dad and I were making plans. He wanted me to go back to school, but I wanted to stay with him a while. I didn’t think it’d be fair for me to just run off and leave my dad alone. Besides, I always liked being with my family…”
He got quiet for a moment.
“Then, Dad was taking Mom in for an appointment. I was supposed to go with them, but something came up. It was stupid. They got in an accident and… well.”
Another pause. A long one. Steady breaths.
“At least I had been preparing to lose Mom, but her and Dad at once was hard.” His voice was strained. He wanted to cry, I could see it. But he wasn’t going to. Not in front of me.
“It’s been four months, and I think about them all the time.” He looked down.
I thought of that day on the beach. He was broken and thoughtful in his suit with no shoes. Four months ago. His eyes stayed focused on the bed or the plate or his foot, anything to keep him from meeting my eyes. He ached. And I understood all too well.
I took his arm and started writing letters on it with my finger. There was no way I was leaving him to go find paper. It took him a minute to understand what I was asking, but he started mouthing the letters and that helped.
“N-A-M-E-S… names? What? My parent’s names?” He finally looked into my eyes.
I nodded. He swallowed. And then smiled.
“Andrea. My mom was named Andrea. And my dad was Rick.”
Rick and Andrea. The people who had made this amazing person. The people he missed. The people he blamed himself for losing. He cleared his throat, and his eyes fell again.
“Anyway. If your parents or anybody is out there looking for you, we’ll help you find them, okay?”
Me? How could I be worried about me?! I was shocked. He hadn’t led his parents to their death— like I had— but he felt guilty for surviving. And in that moment, I saw what had been bothering me all this time. It wasn’t just that I had become a siren; it was that they died, and I lived.
Akinli and I both made it out of situations that should have left us dead, too. Instead, we just had to live without the people we loved.
And this wasn’t his fault. It’s not his fault he lived. And it wasn’t my fault I lived either. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I had wanted to die, to finally end that battle in my head. I’d been selfish enough to believe I was the only person who had ever felt this pain. But I wasn’t. Here, a normal boy with a real life could feel the exact same emotion. And then, in a completely different train of thought, I remembered Alex. He had survived our sinking ship with six other passengers. What must he have felt the rest of his life? He must have carried my death like a burden when he didn’t have to… Oh, the things we weigh ourselves down with.
I touched Akinli’s knee so he would look up at me. I touched my heart with my right hand and took the same hand and put it on his chest. I wanted him to know that I, all too recently, also knew what it meant to lose someone you loved, that I understood his pain. I wanted him to see that it wasn’t his fault, that he would be okay. A million
things I just wanted to say and couldn’t.
While my hand was still on his chest, he brought his own hand up to hold it. It looked like the toughness that all men are supposed to hold on their faces was breaking a little. His eyes were wet, but he was still refusing to cry.
You don’t have to be like that in front of me.
I didn’t want a façade. I wanted him. But I couldn’t explain that. He seemed to understand at the very least that I sympathized with him. And that was enough.
“Thanks, Kahlen,” he whispered. I forgot what I was even thinking. I loved the way he said my name. We sat there on the bed, just watching each other. I don’t know what my face looked like, but I saw the emotions walk across his. There was sadness, then calm, gratefulness, and then… wonder? It was a beautiful look on his face. I smiled, apparently a little too warmly. He leaned in a bit. I was unprepared, and my body flinched just a little. That small movement was enough to knock the plate, which had been balanced on my knee, onto the floor. It didn’t break, but the noise was enough to snap us both out of the moment.
CHAPTER 7
I didn’t mind that we were stuck inside all day, but Akinli kept apologizing. I liked being alone with him, and I could guess that he felt some of my enthusiasm. I didn’t know how to hide it. I kept telling myself to be careful, that these feelings were most likely one-sided. I knew I was incredibly naïve when it came to romance, but it had felt like he was going to kiss me earlier. If I was wrong, I didn’t want to let myself hang onto that possibility. I repeated what I knew for sure: I was someone he felt obligated to take care of. I was someone he had to keep amused. Those were things that I knew were true.
Still, stupid as it was, I entertained the thought of kissing Akinli.
The reason we were indoors was completely practical. The only outfits I had were men’s boxers or an evening gown. I doubted either would go over well in what I assumed was a small town. I had never heard of Port Clyde before, so it couldn’t be that big. And the view gave me absolutely no clues as to my whereabouts. The road wound into a wooded stretch one way, and houses blocked the curving coast to the other. Across the street were houses similar to the one I was in, backed by thick woods that further impeded the view. An older woman lived in the house directly across from us. She came over with the ambulance last night in tears, worried for either Ben, Julie, or Akinli’s welfare.
