by Kiera Cass
I laughed.
I don’t know what would have happened if we had been somewhere else in the store, but as fortune would have it, we were by the meats and seafood. Akinli unconsciously swerved and crashed into a tank full of lobster, breaking the glass. The cart tipped, and we both fell to the floor, covering ourselves in water.
Oh, God, what have I done?
“Kahlen?”
Don’t cry out loud! Don’t cry out loud!
“Kahlen, are you okay?”
What was I thinking? That I could do this for years? I can barely make it a week.
“Kahlen, please, are you alright?” Akinli was getting a little hysterical.
“What is going on over here?” A grumpy voice was getting closer.
“Kahlen?”
“Who’s responsible for this?”
I can’t stay. I’ll kill him one day. I won’t mean to, but I will. So stupid!
“Kahlen, please?”
“Sir, did you do this?” the manager asked.
“SHUT UP!”
Akinli yelled so loud the angry manager and all the people mumbling around us silenced themselves.
“Kahlen, can you hear me? Are you hurt?”
No, I wasn’t physically hurt. So I shook my head.
It took quite some time to talk things through with the manager. Akinli had no idea why he’d swerved. I guess he hadn’t heard my laugh, or rather, known he heard my laugh. We hung our heads as the manager scolded us in front of the other customers. We both had to sign wavers clearing the store of any injuries, though we were both fine. The staff was angry that I could only sign my first name. They let us do our shopping, but only with a clerk walking with us. I felt Akinli look down at me again and again, but I was too upset to look back at him.
We were still wet as we drove home. Akinli didn’t turn the radio on this time. We were halfway home before he spoke to me.
“Hey, I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I embarrassed you.”
That finally broke through. I knew I’d been in my own world since I tumbled to the ground in the store. I was rethinking my once-perfect plan. It took me out of his presence, at least mentally, for a while. I didn’t realize he’d see any of this as something that was his fault. I should have known he would take this all on himself.
We didn’t bring the notebook. I needed words right now. I needed to tell him he didn’t do anything wrong. He usually read me so well, how could he be so wrong now? This one really mattered. All I could do was shake my head longingly, hoping my expression would be enough. It wasn’t.
“No, I know I was acting stupid. I don’t know what happened… at all. But I’m sorry I did something dumb that obviously upset you.”
I shook my head more fervently now. He had to know I wasn’t mad. The look on his face showed he didn’t believe me. But once we were home, I’d have paper, and then I could explain…
Explain what? How was I supposed to tell him it was my fault? How was I supposed to explain that I was worried about him? He’d never understand it. I was running out of options. Could I have really been upset with the Ocean over Her rules? Now I knew better.
Akinli and I made our way home without another hint of communication.
We pulled around the corner on the way back to the house and saw another car in the driveway. The moment it was in view, I felt Akinli’s posture change. His back that had been slumped in shame seemed to stiffen up. I heard him mutter “Casey.” I didn’t know who Casey was or what he had done, but apparently Akinli wasn’t excited to see him. My only guess was that Casey was another Evan-type, and that had me a little on edge, too. We pulled up the driveway and came to a stop. He looked embarrassed.
We walked inside slowly. I left a gap between us because he seemed so tense. Once we rounded the corner into the living room, I figured it out.
“Akinli!” she squealed.
Casey wasn’t a he. Casey was a she. A beautiful she. Her long blonde hair draped down her back and reminded me for a moment of how Aisling’s hair always bounced. She had sparkly blue eyes, was slender, and smiled from ear to ear at the sight of Akinli. Without missing a beat, she ran up to him and kissed him on the mouth.
It took an incredible effort not to speak, not to cry. I felt my lips tremble, but I had this act down. A soft smile pushed its way through, composure coming into place like sliding on a familiar coat. I expected him to push her off, but he didn’t. When she pulled away, he looked pained, confused.
“Hey, Casey. What… what are you doing here?” he asked.
“Well, what kind of welcome is that?” she said, her voice mockingly upset. “I needed to talk to you, so I came up for the weekend. Ben and Julie said I could stay.”
He looked over at them. Ben looked amused. Julie looked apologetic. I tried to hide any shock I felt when she turned her eyes on me. I saw her eyes look me over, sizing me up. I was humiliated by the way I must look next to her. My hair was a mess and my clothes were still soaked through. I was dirty from being on the floor and there were strange stains that I guessed came from the lobsters. I saw the confusion in Julie’s face at my appearance, but I didn’t have time to worry about it.
“You must be the girl Akinli found in the woods. You don’t speak, right? Are you deaf?”
“She’s not deaf,” Akinli said with an edge. “She’s in shock or something. And her name is Kahlen.”
“Oh,” was all Casey said.
Akinli turned to me. “Kahlen, this is Casey.”
“His girlfriend. Well, sort of,” she added.
He said nothing to correct this. Akinli was unreadable. Was he upset at me? Or her? I couldn’t tell who the wall was directed at, but he had all but shut down. Whatever was happening, I wouldn’t add to his pain. Akinli already thought he’d hurt me once today. I smiled as warmly as I could and embraced my enemy for the sake of my friend. Casey let out a little “oh” at that, but didn’t reject the hug.
So this was the girl who supported him for years only to leave over something as silly as his job. This would have been who had his shoes the day I first saw him on the beach. This was the last girl he touched.
As each of these thoughts passed through my head, my heart broke. No one could deserve him, and she would never love him like I did, but she was right for him in a way that I wasn’t.
Julie said she was going to get started on dinner. I motioned that I would help and went to her as soon as I’d changed clothes. I saw that Casey was sitting next to Akinli on the couch, but that’s all I let myself absorb.
I was glad we were working from scratch because it meant there was more to do. I went to start chopping some tomatoes, but Julie stole them and handed me an onion instead. She knew what she was doing, and I gratefully shed a few tears without judgment. Julie looked tense. I felt bad for her. I took my time doing every task she gave me— anything to avoid going into the living room and actually see them interacting. When there was nothing left to do, Julie cornered me near the oven.
“Are you alright, sweetie?” she whispered.
It was a lie, but I nodded.
“Do you want a hug?”
My lips pulled down, preparing for sobs that I wouldn’t allow to come. She drew me in, and petted my hair.
“It’ll be okay. He didn’t look happy to see her. They’ll talk some things out, and she’ll leave. I don’t think she’s going to be able to do anything to change his mind.”
I tried to look like I believed her, but in truth, I was weighing it all in my head. While I wanted him more than anything, I knew I couldn’t stay. If he would take her back, she would be better for him than I would. She could speak to him, grow old with him. He would only ever grow old around me. I wouldn’t mind that so much, but I couldn’t explain that to him.
And he would only ever manage to grow old around me if I didn’t accidentally
kill him. I had been lucky. Twice since I’d come here a sound had escaped: the yelp because of Evan and the laugh for Akinli. Twice in one week. So that meant this family would be in danger from me roughly a hundred times a year if I stayed.
From the second he took my hand in the woods, I feared the moment I would have to leave Akinli. I thought it would be years from now, but that just wasn’t an option. This would be easier, quicker, safer. Casey had provided a timely exit. Now I just had to pray things worked out for them and wait for the right moment.
At dinner, Casey operated quickly so that I ended up sitting far away from Akinli while she positioned herself beside him. She dominated the conversation by talking about school, her plans, and people that she and Akinli both knew. He paid attention when she mentioned his friends, but that was about it. I tried not to look at him. Julie tried to be a gracious hostess and asked Casey questions since I couldn’t, Akinli wouldn’t, and Ben just smirked at the whole situation. When Casey was done speaking, she turned on me.
“You didn’t eat much, Katie, are you on a diet?”
“Kahlen,” Julie and Akinli said in unison.
“Oops,” was her reply.
Akinli went to the counter for my notebook, guessing that I would want to defend myself. I turned to a blank page suddenly realizing that we’d nearly filled the book in the few days we had it.
I’m just not very hungry. Thanks for your concern.
I let her read that and then wrote something for Julie.
What I did have was excellent, thank you.
“Anytime.” She smiled.
“So you can’t speak and you don’t know who you are or where you’re from or anything?” Casey asked.
I shook my head.
“How did that happen? What’s the last thing you remember?” she posed.
At this the whole table looked up. No one had thought to ask me this, at least not so directly anyway. I’d found that telling the truth is the easiest way to remember your story, so I gave them the most honest answer I could.
I can’t even begin to know what it was, but something made me upset. I was scared and sad and angry. So I ran away. I ran and ran and ended up in the woods. Then I heard Akinli. I was worried because it was a man’s voice, but then he looked kind. And here I am.
Julie read this to the room, and Akinli looked touched.
“Am I really the first thing you remember?” he asked timidly.
I nodded. He almost smiled.
“That makes me nervous,” Julie said. “It sounds like someone tried to attack you.”
“Good thing we have these two strong men around,” Casey said, her voice full of implications.
Ben suggested playing a board game after dinner while yet another baseball game he wanted to watch was on. It was all a waste. The only two people really involved were Casey and me, trying desperately to beat the other. It’s probably for the best that Julie won without even trying.
When it was a little after nine, I felt it was late enough to excuse myself. I waved goodnight to the room. I’m not sure if the longing in Akinli’s face was imagined or not. It would be easier to think it wasn’t real. But I gazed at him a few seconds longer than I should have, memorizing his beautiful face, in case it was the last time I saw it. I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I looked out the window at the Ocean. Once I was sure everyone was asleep, I’d go back to Her.
When I heard everyone move upstairs, I threw a little hissy fit under the cover of their footfalls. I was so upset.
I could tell Casey was shallow, no match for his character at all. But Akinli had feelings for her; he would have asked her to leave right away if there wasn’t anything there. Akinli hadn’t made me any promises. I wished I had just one so I could stake my claim, but in the end, it was better this way.
With the footsteps drowning it out, I threw my clothes around and ripped my blanket off the bed. If I could have screamed, I would.
Love is completely irrational.
As the minutes passed, I grew anxious to get to the Ocean. I would have to confess everything, but I wasn’t afraid of Her reaction anymore. Anything She had for me couldn’t be worse than what I was feeling.
I crept out onto the porch. I kept telling myself it would be better this way. It would’ve had to hurt so much worse if I had stayed for months or years. All of those memories to live with. The night was deep now. No one would see or hear.
Akinli must have left his window open because I heard their voices enter his room. I froze.
“What made you come?” he asked.
“I miss you. I’m willing to admit I made a mistake. I never should have let you go,” Casey replied.
“Let me go?” he said incredulously. I guessed that was a poor description of their last moments together. “Casey, my parents had just died.” His voice broke. “I was just trying to keep my life together, keep my head above water. I just couldn’t stay there anymore. Didn’t you get that? It wasn’t about you.”
My eyes welled up. I wished I could go hold him. He went on.
“I needed to take care of myself. I was alone. I had Ben and Julie, and I thought I had you. But the minute things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you gave up on me.”
“I know, I know. I was way out of line. I didn’t really want to let you go, I just lost my temper,” she said. It seemed to me she should have sounded more repentant than she did.
He was silent. I could hear his footsteps covering the small space in his room.
“Akinli, I came to tell you I made a mistake. You said when you left if I changed my mind I should tell you.” Ah, an open door he didn’t close. He would have done that. He was too kind for her. “Well, I did. We have a long history, and it was wrong of me to throw it all away. Besides, we both know your parents thought we were going to get married and…”
“Don’t,” he cut her off. “Don’t.”
She waited. After a long pause she spoke again.
“Does this have anything to do with that girl?” she spat.
“Kahlen,” he corrected her. “No. Even if she wasn’t here, I’m not sure I’d want to be with you.”
“Ah ha! But she is here, so it makes a difference, right?” she guessed.
“We’ve gotten very close since she came here. I invited her to stay with us. She said yes, and Ben and Julie are all for it,” he told her.
“You’ve gotta’ be kidding me!” she said loudly. Ben and Julie were no doubt hearing all of this as well. “She’s been here, what, a few days? How do you manage to get close to someone who can’t even talk?” she asked, unconvinced.
“You’d be surprised. She communicates a lot. She’s not a complicated person, and if you had paid attention tonight, she was saying lots of things,” he said.
“Like what?” she asked, still doubtful.
“Like she’s leaving this all up to me. She likes me, but she’s not bothered that you came. She wants me to do whatever would make me happiest; if she could say it out loud, she would. I can count on her. She’s steady. If someone came for her and took her away, I’d be her friend. If you ended up in my life, she’d be mine. I can’t say I’d get that from you.”
Wow. He saw right through me. Sometimes, he had me so right. Whatever he wanted, I was prepared to give. Girlfriend, lover, friend, acquaintance… however he wanted me, I’d be that for him.
“Well, if she doesn’t care, and I really do, then you should be with me.”
He snorted.
“I can’t believe this!” Casey squealed. “Are you seriously telling me you’ve got some sort of crush on her? I mean, I know you like to be Mr. Protector and Provider, but think about it. She’s completely mute, and she has absolutely nothing. Well, she has a name. Not even that— half of one. She’s a nobody.”
Akinli didn’t respond. Maybe he had an ar
gument, maybe he didn’t. Either way, it was silent.
She softened her tone. “Look, Akinli, I didn’t come up here to argue with you. I wanted to tell you I was sorry and that I still love you. I know I caught you off guard today, but let’s just sleep on it. We can talk it over in the morning. I really want to be in your life, Akinli.”
I heard him sigh. “In the morning,” he agreed.
“Thank you,” she said. “Now, why don’t you come to bed?” I heard her pat the mattress.
“Wait, we’re not sleeping in the same bed.”
“Actually, I was thinking we could worry about sleep a little later,” she breathed, her words dripping with seduction.
“No. I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” I heard him start to scramble around his room. “You can sleep in here. I’ll take the couch.”
“I don’t think so. She’s right there,” Casey stated, anger rising in her voice.
“I don’t know what you’re imagining I’ll do, but if you don’t trust me, maybe you should leave.” There was no threat to Akinli’s words. He was completely calm. I was proud of him. It was firm enough for her to know he meant it, but gentle enough that she would stay. I heard his door open.
“Akinli?” she called quietly.
“Yes?”
“Do you miss it at all? Do you want things to go back to how they used to be?” she asked, sounding sweet for the first time.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I do miss my life feeling… normal. I miss that a lot.” He paused a moment. “Goodnight, Casey.”
I heard the door close. Casey moved around and then muttered aloud, “Ugh! Even his pillow smells like the fish. This place is a dump.”
I wanted to smack the words out of her mouth.
A few seconds passed, and through the window I heard the door to the guest room open.
“Kahlen?” Akinli whispered. I quickly moved to the end of the porch and jumped off, hiding behind the corner of the house. I heard his hands come to rest on the open window sill.
