by Kiera Cass
“Hey!” someone called. They would come to investigate. I dove into the water.
Thank You! Thank You so much! I’ll do anything You want to show You how grateful I am. I owe You this lifetime and the next.
She said nothing in return. She jerked me down so hard I could almost feel the fist around my arm.
CHAPTER 16
The Ocean had guided me to places before, but never like this. It was agitated, quick, deliberate. I wondered if this was what Ifama felt before she died. I assumed that must be what was about to happen. I expected it. I waited to feel it. In my head I quietly rejoiced. At least Elizabeth and Miaka wouldn’t have to see it.
I was surprised by how sharply I remembered the way it felt the day I thought I was drowning. I remembered being in the Sea and feeling the ache in my muscles. I remembered wondering if all my bones were broken from the force of Her waves. The fatigue that covered me and the grainy burning in my lungs all appeared fresh in my memory. I waited for that moment to resurrect itself.
It never did.
For a long time She pulled me, furious. My clothes faded away, and I saw the proof of my stolen identity tear into pieces and sink. The dress that covered me was almost black. It had taken me years to realize there was significance to the colors we wore— they echoed our surroundings. What did black mean?
In my mind, black meant death. She was dressing me for my funeral. As I was wondering this, I felt my neck lighten by just a touch. My necklace broke away from me. I reached into the darkness for it, but we moved so fast I had no hope.
No! No, my necklace.
I held back the sobs. If I had my necklace, I felt like Akinli was with me. It hurt more to have it disappear than it did for me to think about the unavoidable punishment at hand. But She would not slow. She was angry. I didn’t know how much more time I had, so I took the opportunity to speak to Her. I couldn’t say if She would listen, but at least I would say what I needed to.
I’m sorry I disobeyed You. I know why You wanted me to stay away, but it just hurt too much to not know. I just had to see how he was. I don’t know what You saw, but he missed me. He missed me like I missed him. He looked awful.
She was silent.
When I saw how bad it was, I was planning for a way to set him free. Yes, I was going to visit him. But I was going to come in, stay a day and then fake my death. I was going to drown. I swear that was what I was going to do once I knew what he was feeling. He thought I was going to come back to him. I was going to make sure he knew that I couldn’t. I swear, I wasn’t going to stay. I was trying to think of a plan to go back and die to him when I saw him fall in…
Still nothing.
I’m sorry. I am. I guess I should tell You while I’m confessing, I brought Miaka and Elizabeth into this. They don’t know about him, but I got them to go on a cruise with me. I told them I had something I had to do and left them in Florida. As far as I know, they’re still there and clueless.
She didn’t say anything, but I felt Her anger surge. It was one thing for me to make a mess, but to use my sisters to do it was another thing entirely. I was bothered by Her silence more than I had been by Her yelling at me. Once we started our conversational relationship all those years ago, we had always spoken. When I was upset or happy, when She was tired or nostalgic. Everything had always been on the table. It was frightening to finally have something we could not discuss.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I disobeyed, I’m sorry I abandoned my sisters, and I’m sorry I asked You to let him go... But thank You. Thank You so much.
Nothing.
I know You’re going to punish me now. I understand. But still, thank You.
She remained impassive.
I stayed silent while She pulled me farther and farther down. There had been times when I was so miserable about Akinli that I sank deep inside of Her to hide, but I had never gone this far. Schools of fish dodged me as She carelessly tugged away. I nearly hit so many of them. After a while the schools dwindled, and there were only larger, solitary fish swimming around. Then they too were gone. Not much longer after that, I lost all sign of life and light.
I kept blinking, thinking I would soon see something. I kept one arm in front of my face to protect myself from the things I couldn’t see and feared I would run into. The truth was, I probably could have hurt anything I hit more than it could have hurt me, but I was human enough to worry about it all the same. Time and water washed past me. I noticed it was getting cold. Very cold. Not like Antarctica had been, but still. I didn’t know how much more of Her there could possibly be.
Then finally, firmly, I landed on sand.
She finally acknowledged me. I was to stay here until She was ready.
Ready for what, She didn’t say. I could not ask. And then I was alone. I sat motionless for a few minutes. The minutes stretched into hours… at least it felt like hours. There was no sun or moon to guide the time here.
Finally, I stood. For the sake of moving, I walked blindly forward a few paces. I found myself against a wall. It must have been some kind of rock. As I examined it with my hands, I felt how smooth it was— like glass. Maybe the tiny grains of sand at the bottom of the Ocean had polished it. I ran my hands along it a few steps to the right. A few paces along, I found another rock connected to this one at a ninety degree angle. I placed my fingers in the corner. That was strange.
I found that most things in nature flowed and moved with air and tides and land. Things like straight lines were reserved for the controlling nature of humans. God was happy to let the things he created simply exist. When people came across them, they could continue to exist… so long as it was in neatly tailored rows.
This was no mistake. It was not natural. It took me several minutes to navigate myself around the space, but it was clearly a cell. A smooth, small, perfect cell. Apparently, I could no longer be trusted. So I sank back into the sand to wait.
It took me a while to realize that my cage was not made of rock or stone; it was water. She had fashioned part of Herself into a holding tank for me. The shape of it changed every so often. I would walk along a sharp edge and feel it melt into a curve. The dimensions weren’t always the same either— they ebbed and flowed with Her. Sometimes I would walk right into a wall, not aware of where they were. I contemplated if She would have held me so well if She had not eaten so soon.
I wondered if She was still with me now, if She was so enraged that this part of Herself I was living in was truly separated from the rest of Her. Was She still reading my thoughts? Feeling the confusion as my regret mixed with satisfaction at what I had done? Did any of it even matter anymore?
I couldn’t be sure if She was there or not. I couldn’t feel Her, and She didn’t speak to me. With Her silent and my necklace lost somewhere far, far away from me, I felt truly alone.
My mind flew around as I became deeply paranoid. I knew I was in a cage I couldn’t see. It wouldn’t take much effort for Her to just squeeze these invisible walls together and take me out of existence. I wouldn’t even know it was coming. Even if I had needed sleep, there was no way I could have closed my eyes.
Time passed.
Slowly.
I eventually decided that when She moved to kill me, She would at least let me know.
What I assumed was days later, my eyes started adjusting to the dark. I could make out the shadows of things that swam by. The bodies of these animals were unlike any I knew. Sometimes I would see something that looked skeletal. Their shadows would seem all but transparent, like they were held together by tissue paper. Other times, I would see animals so large, I was afraid they might crush me. But I had my bubble. They all seemed to sense it; maybe they could see it. Either way, they stayed away from it.
I wondered at how powerful this cage was. I didn’t try to damage it. At one point I dug into the sand to see how far down I could feel the edge. B
ut I ran into rock and knew there was no way around Her. I wouldn’t have tried to escape anyway, I just wanted to know.
Time in the darkness was scary for that reason alone: I couldn’t know what was coming. I couldn’t see what was coming for me, and I couldn’t see what was coming for Akinli.
I had saved his life, but for how long? Was She reclaiming what I had stolen from Her while I was locked down here? That was the only thing that made me cry. I could handle the isolation, and I could live with Her hating me. I could take the darkness, and I could bear being punished. None of that touched me.
But I was tortured with worry for Akinli.
I battled it in my head. After enough time had passed that I knew it was close to a week, I had to mentally will myself into believing he was okay. But that was hard. I was confused as to why She would keep me down here so long. The only thing I could think of was that She was trying to keep me away from him. Or rather, from protecting him while She took him.
In my absolute segregation and misery, I lived every mistake of my long life over and over in my head…
My family was a blur now. I knew I had a mother and a father once. I had brothers, too. I knew I had lost them. It was my father’s idea. He was excited about something, and we were all going on a trip to London. He wanted us to be happy. But mother said we should stay behind. We had school and work.
But I begged. I whined that I wanted to see things. I would not relent. I forced the decision by being childish, I could remember that. If I had only been content, if I had only been satisfied, none of it would have ever happened. And now we were all separated from one another.
I had burdened myself with the love of my sisters. I depended on them too heavily. They gave me the connections I craved so much in life. In my more lonely years, I had almost started to believe I was in love with Miaka. And when Elizabeth came along, so new and exciting, I almost believed I was in love with her, too. But that wasn’t real. And in the absence of something genuine, desperation starts to look like love.
I had seen it in the lives of men and women I watched. It’s not love when it’s the only option. I wasn’t in love with my sisters, but I did love them. It was a powerful love. And it was cruel of me to risk them to get what I wanted. Still, as I sat in my watery prison, I knew I’d do it again if I had to.
Spending time with the hearing impaired had seemed like such a brilliant idea, but that was just one more thing I had ruined. I cared about them too much, and I never got to stay as long as I wanted to. I let them be stand-ins for the children and grandchildren I should have seen by now. They were the only ones I could get close to, and I took them like they were mine.
I was greedy.
How could I have been dumb enough to believe that I wasn’t going to be lethal to them? I was always capable of hurting them, killing them. Jillian’s life weighed on me heavier than the thousands of others I was responsible for. Even though it would have happened with or without me knowing her, it was too personal for me to not acknowledge my hand in her death.
By far, the worst was what I had done to Akinli. I had disrupted the path of his life. I hurt his family. I told him I would stay and then abandoned him. I broke his heart. Then, to top it off, I led him to his grave, stole him back from it, and was about to make one or both of us pay for whatever time I had bought him.
I hated that. I kept telling myself it would have been easier if he hadn’t been so wonderful. But, easy or not, I never should have stayed. If my presence in his life meant it ended early… I don’t know what I’d do.
And, though it was not the worst of all these things, I was foolish to think I could have ever been friends with the Ocean. She was an eternal being. She saw everything, endured everything. She would live forever after me. The most we could ever truly be was acquaintances. She was the Queen Bee, I was the worker. There was a job to be done, and I fit the bill. I was young and beautiful— the only two necessary listings on my resume— so She kept me to work. We spoke to one another, but maybe all I ever did was entertain Her. She was busy with things that were important… sustaining rain and currents. She was holding the life of this planet together, for goodness sake. How could I expect Her, someone who could never have an equal, understand what it meant for me to be in love?
I thought about these things over and over again until it hurt. I only cried over Akinli, but I ached for it all. The shame of all my mistakes felt like lead in my bones. I could literally feel my arms and legs move slower from the sadness within me. I would have to carry this. I would have to pay for this. I knew that sins of this magnitude demanded reparation. It was only a matter of time until She, the only judge I knew, would take it out of me.
So I waited.
It got heavier. I felt lower. My body was caving in on itself. For a moment, I thought She was collapsing the walls in on me. But in that moment of distraction, I knew I was collapsing on myself. When the heaviness of all my mistakes felt like they were going to crush me, I turned to daydreaming.
I thought about Akinli. I imagined how it would have been if I could have just stayed with him there on the boat. When he came to, I would have been there, holding him and smiling. He would have kissed me over and over, jubilant that I was back with him for good. When we got back to the house, everyone would forgive me for leaving since I had saved Akinli’s life. Everyone would be happy. Julie would be my best friend. Ben would be like a brother. Bex would grow up adoring me. And Akinli…
A few days later, the neighbors next door would move. When he saw the for sale sign, he would buy it immediately. He would rush back to tell me he bought it for me so we could get married and propose right then and there with a ring as lovely and personal as my necklace had been. We would paint our house in blues and greens and teals. There would be enough rooms for us to have a bedroom to ourselves and then a room for nothing but reading and playing music and then the other rooms we would fill with our family. A big family— just like he wanted.
At our wedding, I would be the most beautiful bride the town had ever seen. And they all would have come— every soul in Port Clyde, even the tourists. And to top it all off, when it came time to exchange vows, I would be able to speak. I wouldn’t need a piece of paper to say the important things like “for better or worse,” or “I do,” or “I love you.”
Hold on… I love you… he said it.
On the boat, when I was holding him, he said it.
He said that he was sorry, that he loved me, and then he asked me to stay. I had been so wrapped up in him being alive, I didn’t even let it register. But now I could hear it playing continually in my head. Akinli’s voice told me he loved me. I felt it in my chest like a bird singing in my heart.
“He loves me… he really loves me.”
My voice sounded cracked when I spoke aloud. And then I heard another sound. A pop.
With that, I was being pulled upward. It wasn’t as hard or as fast as last time. I heard Her call out to the others. They were to come right away. She didn’t specify a location, but Her voice was serious and urgent. They’d be running for a coast by now.
I couldn’t believe She was making them come. She was going to kill me and make the others watch. I cringed. There would be no way to talk Her out of it; I was undeniably in Her debt.
It took a long time for us to reach the surface. I could see the light growing clearer, and it burned my eyes— not in a painful way, but I had to work to make things focus. When we reached Her destination, it took me a few moments to gain my footing on the sand. Powder fine sand. I looked up, and even with the hazy blur of my vision, I knew I was at my island. My sisters were all already there; I obviously had to travel more than they did.
I took my time walking up, not quite over the surprise of Her choosing this location. This place had been a gift. I guessed that it was no longer meant to be that to me. Then, I remembered how secluded I used to feel here. I
f what was about to happen made them cry out loud, no one would hear it here.
My eyes squinted as I looked my sisters over. Elizabeth was standing, looking away from me. Her hands were on her back pushing her elbows out. Miaka was seated, holding her knees to her chest. I couldn’t quite make out if she was looking at me or not. Aisling was pacing. That was how she took in almost everything.
I tried to take their faces in as the light stopped burning so much. I wanted to gaze on their beautiful familiar features. I assumed this would be the last time, it had to be. They were all wearing muted blues, the colors of a hazy sky, not quite gray. These weren’t the colors of my tropical island; these were the colors of Her mood.
I was still in black. This was my funeral, and these were my mourners.
She told us to sit. Elizabeth and I complied immediately, going close enough to sit with our feet in the still waters of the coast, near Miaka. Aisling stopped pacing, facing away from us for a moment. She took a few heavy breaths and shook her head, making her gorgeous hair dance behind her. Then she turned and settled on the sand, but decidedly not touching the water. She was in a foul mood today.
The Ocean was still silent waiting for Aisling before She began. Everyone seemed so tense, and it was about to get so much worse. I wanted this to end soon.
She’s here and settled, I said. The Ocean was displeased Aisling kept her distance, but no matter.
The Ocean apologized to Aisling, Miaka, and Elizabeth for what She was about to ask them to do, but explained that She was at a point where She could not do this Herself. She paused. They all looked at each other, then me. They all knew something was wrong, but only now, at the Ocean’s casual exclusion of my name, were they positive that something was me.
She explained that a year ago I fell in love with a boy.
I looked down. I could feel their eyes darting towards me.
She explained that this was why I had been grieving, not because of Jillian, though that still bothered me. It was this boy who had trapped me in sadness. He was where I had gotten my missing necklace, and he was why I had left Miaka and Elizabeth alone in Florida. She said She had watched him for a long time now and knew that he loved me, too. This only added to the problem.
