by Charity B.
Shaking his head in frustration, he asks, “And how did you find this out?”
I debate lying to him. This reeks of desperation. “I uh…hired someone to look into Tavin.”
His head snaps in my direction to glare at me. “I think I might actually kill you. Do you realize how insane that is? You need to let it go. I mean, God, she’s literally a prostitute. That right there spells disaster. Be thankful you got out when you did.”
“Fifteen years old, Silas. That’s how old she was when she started working. How fucked up is that? Her father is a complete sociopath and there has to be more I don’t know. There has to be an explanation or a reason for why she did it.”
He rolls his eyes as he slaps the steaks onto our plates. “There is no reason. She wanted to get high and she opened her legs for it. The End. You want to believe there’s this elaborate explanation because you see her as something she isn’t. There are no answers, I’m sorry.”
I grab a beer from the cooler and sit back in the booth seat. “How could Sasha let her stay there? With him?”
He slides my plate across the table and sits opposite of me. “Yeah, that part is pretty low. Still, I know the real reason you want to go is to see Tavin, and I’m not letting that shit happen. So forget it. Now let’s eat, I’m starving.”
A sun ray kisses my face, bringing me out of sleep. Toben’s arm drapes across my waist and I smile at the comfort of his shallow breathing on my neck. I’m making Drew angry with my nightmares, so they let Toben stay with me when he can. My fingers trace over his scar that’s like mine.
When you bleed, I bleed.
Rolling over to face him, I kiss his nose and he scrunches it as he cracks open an eye.
“Good morning, Love.” I stretch and it feels so good. It’s one of my most favorite feelings in the world. He laughs as he trails his fingers over my stomach. “God, I miss you. Every morning I wake up without you there, I feel empty.”
He’s made it clear how alone he felt when I was with Lex, and I do feel guilty about it. I knew it would hurt him and I stayed anyway. I never wanted that. I wish he could feel what I did with Alexander, so he could understand.
It’s confusing to love two people. I need another word besides love. What I feel for each of them is so different, that the same word can’t possibly fit both relationships.
Toben wipes my tears and bleeds my blood. He has seen every corner, crevice, and deranged hallway of my mind, body, and soul. He has been my partner through hell, and my safe place when the pain was too much to bear.
Alexander opens me up and pours in new light. He’s the color in Oz. His touch is fire and I could get high on his passion. He makes me want to laugh and sing and dance. I feel beautiful with him. He’s a truly good man and those are so much rarer than you can imagine. His slight accent makes my stomach feel like pop rocks and soda and his smile warms my skin. He takes away the grime and filth and replaces it with peace and pleasure. He gives me hope, but for what I’m not exactly sure.
I betrayed them both. The only two people who have ever truly loved me. I’ve said it a thousand times. I could say it a thousand more and it will never be enough.
“I’m so sorry. For all of it.”
His fingers brush over my cheek. “You can still fix it.”
I can’t give him what he wants. I would rather choke on my own blood.
Hot tears sit along the rim of my eyes. “I’m sorry, Toben, I can’t do it. Not anymore.” I press against him and hold his hands. “Sasha says we can start a new life somewhere once we get enough money and we can do whatever we want. We can have our own life away from him. What if we can really do this? What if we can really be free?”
He lets go of my hands to grip my face. “Why are you letting them fill your head with this bullshit? We’ll never be fucking free, Tavin. We aren’t like them. We can’t be ‘whatever we want’ because it isn’t up to us. We’re his toys and it’s what we’ve always been. It’s what we’ll always be. There’s nowhere else to go and you’re making this harder on the both of us.”
How does he not understand? He of all people? “Please, don’t hate me for this.”
“Oh, come on, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” His lips press against mine before he softly kisses my hands. “I love you more than the drugs in my veins and you know that. Of course I would never want you to have to live this life. It’s the safest option, Tavin. I don’t think it matters where you go, he’ll find you eventually. Then what do you think he’ll do?”
I press my cheek against his chest; his worn t-shirt is so soft. “I don’t know where I’ll go or what to do when I get there. I just have to try, but I need you…” I have to know, even if I’m scared of the answer. “If I go, will you come with me?”
He doesn’t speak for a long time. I’m about to look up at him when his chest lifts as he sighs. “I know you despise it, but to be honest I don’t mind it much anymore. I get as much pussy and drugs as I want and I can buy pretty much anything. The playdates are just my job. So even though I’m not miserable, I would be without you. I’d leave it all to follow you anywhere, Love.”
His words help untie the knots in my stomach and all the waiting tears fall at once. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I whisper, “Thank you. I love you so much, Tobe.”
“And I love you. More than anything in this wretched world.” He kisses me and rolls off the bed. “I have a Client at one so I need to head out, do you want to do a few lines first?”
I don’t even know why he asks.
“Oh, yes.”
I dry my hair with a towel as I walk out into the living room and see Sasha sitting at the table with a cup of tea. She’s been crying again.
With a pretend smile, she looks up at me. “Hey.” Her brows quickly knit together as she throws out her arm to point behind me. “Damn it, Tavin. Go put some pants on. I’ve told you twenty times already, I don’t like you walking around in your underwear.”
“Drew isn’t even here.”
“I don’t give a shit. Go put on shorts or something.”
I cross my arms and huff at her. Maybe if they wouldn’t keep it so hot in here, I would wear more clothes. I scowl at her when there is a loud knock on the door.
My heart pounds so hard it cuts off my breathing. Did Logan find me?
We stare at each other for a moment before she marches over to swing open the door. A large whoosh comes from my mouth at the sight of Lex’s friend, Silas.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she hisses at him.
“What the hell are you doing with her?” He points at me without taking his eyes off her. “You’re his sister! Can’t you stand by him for once in your life?”
“Silas, you don’t have a clue about what’s going on and neither does he, so just stay out of it.”
I have done so much to destroy Lex’s life. Yesterday, Drew told me that Bjørn and Caterina are getting divorced because of me. I need to know I didn’t do permanent damage and that he’s okay.
“Silas?” His head whips in my direction. Within a single stride he’s glowering down on me and I can feel myself shrinking. “H—how is he?”
The repulsion in his expression flashes to fury as he takes another step closer. “Are you fucking serious? How the hell do you think he is? He’s a wreck. It’s been over a damn week and he’s still constantly trashed. He barely does his job, or his damn hair, for that matter. He’s hurt and confused at how you could do this to him.” The clouds in his eyes clear when he leans forward causing me to take a step back. “You need to stay the fuck away from him, you poisonous whore.”
“Silas Daniel Hamilton!”
Oh. She’s using her super pissed voice.
Standing back up straight, he adds, “And if you decide to keep putting Eric’s cock in your mouth, do it outside of the office.”
You are a poisonous whore.
“Get out,” Sasha grates.
Glaring at me one last time, he spins
on his heel. “I’m gone.” As he walks past Sasha, he drops his voice. “And as long as you are helping that bitch, I’m staying that way.” He slams the door and she throws up her hands.
“Ugh!”
I sit at the table and rest my chin on my fists. “Look at what I’m doing to your life, Sasha. His life. Your parents, your friends, each other. I’m tearing you all apart. Toben’s right. He’s always right. I don’t belong here. This will never work no matter how much I want it to.”
She throws her hand up to silence me. “Tavin, stop it. I don’t need you fighting me, too. The only thing that you’re doing wrong is not telling Alex. He won’t look at you the way you think he will, and he’s a big boy. He can protect himself. God knows he has the resources.”
“I’m sorry, he won’t ever know. You shouldn’t know. I’m not doing anymore to ruin his life and that’s what it would do if I told him.”
“Oh, really? Because you’re ruining his life by not telling him.”
Well we’re going to have to disagree on that.
I really like my job. I make my own money all by myself and the best part is there’s absolutely no sex. They can look all day; they still don’t get to touch me. I get to dance all night and I’ve even made friends with a couple of girls.
Sniffing from the coke, I look up at the busted Marvel sign. Some of the red neon letters don’t light up and the B flickers.
MA VEL GENTLEMAN’S CLUB
EX TIC DANC RS
I push open the doors of the club and I am greeted with Alia’s pretty smile.
“Hey, Candy.”
She gives me a quick kiss and holds my hand, leading me to the dressing rooms. I sit on her vanity as she sprinkles a few lines on her mirror, straightening them with her credit card. She opens her purse and takes a dollar from her wallet to roll up. The line vanishes before my eyes. Her nails lightly scrape my fingers as she hands me the dollar, and I bend over to take my hit. The jolt shocks my nerves and the tingles prickle my skin.
Her hand trails across my thigh as she asks, “Do you want to hang out tonight?”
Alia was the first girl to talk to me here and I’ve always thought she was so beautiful. She colored my hair for me so I don’t have to wear the itchy wig and she’s always so nice. Even though she touches me a lot, it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never been touched by a woman and it isn’t the same as with men. I don’t feel dirty when she touches me like I do with the Clients. I don’t feel on fire like I do with Lex, either. It never occurred to me that I could actually long to be physically touched. I didn’t know how much I needed it until now because I don’t remember the last time I was without it.
“Yeah, sure.” The air conditioner blows on my shoulder as she stands in between my legs. She isn’t as tall as Sasha, even though she’s taller than me. Her cotton candy hair is straight and comes right beneath her chin in the front, but when she turns around, it’s super short in the back. Her skin is gold and soft and she smells like chocolate. Blue tipped nails tickle me when she runs her fingers higher up my thigh. Silky lips that taste like bubblegum barely touch mine when her tongue softly dances across them.
“I want to taste you,” she whispers.
I don’t mind the kissing and the touching; I just don’t want anyone…there. Lex is the only one I could ever allow to do those things. I kind of like doing things to her though. It makes her feel good and she’s my friend so I want her to feel good. I hate to keep telling her no, so I help her forget her question by pulling the cup of her bra down and taking her hard nipple into my mouth. Her pelvis pushes against mine as she moans. I think it worked so I bring my lips to hers.
She knows how I feel and she knows I’m not gay. I don’t think I am anyway. It’s only about being touched. She brings my hand over her panties, between her legs. “Will you try?”
“O—okay.”
The lace feels rough in contrast to her smooth skin. I slip my fingers beneath the fabric and they slide over slickness as I lightly rub her clit. Tenderly pushing my fingers back, I find her entrance and dip them in. It’s so warm and slippery. It’s like someone is grabbing and releasing my fingers. Alexander always made it feel so good when he did this to me and he did it rough. I push my fingers deep inside her before quickly pulling out and shoving back in hard.
“Whoa! Relax, hon.” Taking my wrist she guides me. “Try soft and slow. Like this.”
Once I find a tempo she likes, she rocks against my hand. It’s fun to watch her wiggle around because I am making her feel so nice. After I do it for a few minutes, my fingers are soaking wet, her arousal dripping down my hand as she grabs my arm and moans.
“Candy, you’re making me come,” she whispers, as she slides herself up and down my fingers and finishes her orgasm.
The idea of another cock besides Lex’s inside me makes me want to carve out my cunt. Sucking another dick seems less appealing than eating a bowl of tacks. A girl is different. I need to be touched by someone and for now, that’s Alia.
Friday, June 19th
I’m even beginning to depress myself, so I try to enthusiastically agree when my mother calls to invite me for dinner tonight. She’s been through a lot and it’s the least I can do.
She doesn’t get excited about anything, yet she can barely contain her relief when I tell her about breaking up with Tavin. She wouldn’t be quite so happy if she found out where she’s living, nowadays.
Blind Mag and I have recently come to the agreement that we will, number one, just call her plain Mag, and number two, never, ever mention Tavin.
“So, what do you think, Mag? Green or blue shirt?” She cocks her head towards the green and whines. “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too.”
It’s not as if I enjoy having her around, she simply isn’t a complete nuisance.
Heart-Shaped Box plays as I drive to my parents’ estate. Well, I guess it’s only my mom’s now, since my dad recently moved into his own penthouse.
Baker greets me to park my car and I jog up the front steps, right as Bridget opens the door.
“Good Afternoon, Alexander.”
“Hey, Bridget.”
Muffled laughing comes from the parlor and Bridget gestures behind her. “Dinner will be served shortly.”
“Thanks.”
I follow the laughter and as soon as I walk in, four heads turn to look at me. My mother is sitting with a woman about her age, a man who I assume is the woman’s husband, and a platinum blonde, twenty-something girl.
Please tell me my mother isn’t setting me up.
“Oh good, Alexander, you’re here.” She sounds unnaturally chipper as she bounds over to me like she’s about to fucking hug me. How much has she had to drink? She gestures to the young blonde. “This is Emily.”
“Hello. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Emily’s voice volume is at the perfectly polite level and her posture shows etiquette training. Controlling the urge to turn and walk right out, I take her outstretched dainty hand.
“Likewise.”
My mother continues, “And I’d like you to meet her wonderful parents, Mr. and Mrs. Kempt.”
Emily Kempt? No fucking thank you. This is not what I want or need right now. Or ever. She looks like she brings cookies to her church bake sale on weekends for fun. Not my type.
We stand there awkwardly listening to our parents talk for a few moments before Bridget finally calls us for dinner. Because my mother is watching my every move, I pull Emily’s chair out for her and take my seat next to her.
Maybe it’s because it’s been longer than I thought since we’ve been in a social setting together, but it seems my mother has obtained the gift of gab since my father left. Not that I’m complaining, it allows me to sit here in silence and count down the minutes until I can leave, while she carries the conversation.
Glancing down at my watch, I see I’ve been here for over an hour. Their fake laughing sounds like nails in a blender, and if it wasn’t for the alcohol,
I may have shoved a bread roll down Mrs. Kempt’s throat just to not have to listen to her talk about her champion poodle, anymore.
I’m thinking of an excuse to get out of here when my mom pipes up. “Oh, Alexander would enjoy that. Wouldn’t you dear?”
“Uh, what?”
She narrows her eyes while maintaining her unnatural smile. Definitely one of her more terrifying expressions. “I was saying how wonderful it would be if you could take Emily out tonight to show her around Shadoebox. I think you two will find you have quite a bit in common.”
Please. Like what? Having mothers who don’t know when to shut the fuck up? I’m impressively believable when I feign enthusiasm.
“That’s a great idea. What do you think, Emily?”
She smiles and nods. “Thank you, yes. That sounds lovely.”
“Thanks for dinner, Mom. I’m gonna head out.” I turn to Emily and do my best to be polite. It’s not her fault I’m going through this. “I’ll see you tonight.”
She enters her number and address into my phone before I say my goodbyes and my mother walks me to the door.
“I really don’t need you to set me up, Mom.”
She waves me off. “You need to move on from that…girl. You won’t be able to do that without getting back out there, and Emily is a wonderful, young woman. You can’t keep your cake if you eat it all, Alexander.”
I snort. “It’s ‘you can’t have your cake and’—never mind. I get what you’re saying…I think.”
Kissing her head, I bee-line it outside before she gets anymore ‘wonderful’ ideas.
On my way home, I decide to stop in for a surprise visit at one of the local theaters. There have been some management issues and they won’t be expecting anyone from corporate this late on a Friday night.
It’s the busiest night of the week, so I go to the supply room until the crowd thins out between showings. I pull open the door to the back offices and run right into a kid carrying gummy bear boxes stacked three, too high. The boxes along with their contents, fly across the floor.
