by Charity B.
“And I need to make sure I heard you correctly. What did you say?”
He swings his legs off the lawn chair and rests his elbows on his knees. “You know, I still make myself come thinking about the way her body felt when I pushed into it… the memory of her tears moistening my cock as I shoved it between her lips…” He tilts his head and stares right into my eyes as the fireworks boom and crackle above us. “Is that what you want to know?”
“It tingles! Is it supposed to feel like this?” I sit on my hands to keep myself from scratching it.
“Yes, it’s a face mask, don’t touch it.” She pulls my hair up into sections and wraps them around hot rollers before putting it all inside a scarf. When she’s done, she picks up a case filled with nail polish. “Here, pick one.”
I fumble through the colors until I find a pearly pink one that I like, then I find a golden glitter one and I can’t decide. “Can I have two?”
I’m so excited. I’ve never been to a fashion show, and even though Sasha isn’t showing any of her clothes, she went to school with one of the designers who will be.
She smiles at my choices. “Very cute. Ooh, I might wear the gold one too. Remember, if anyone compliments your clothes, tell them they were designed by me, alright?”
I nod. “I promise.” Finally, she takes the junk off my face and I touch it. “Whoa, it’s so soft!”
She’s wiping her own off as she looks in the mirror. “Mmm, I know, it feels so good.”
Once her face is clean of the mask, she spreads my fingers out wide so she can paint my nails. She does them all pink, except for my ring fingers, which she does with the gold glitter.
Staying perfectly still, I keep my hands on the vanity so I won’t mess up my polish before it dries. I watch as her slender fingers maneuver around her light blonde hair.
“I can’t believe you talked Alex into having Toben over. What I would give to be a fly on that wall.” Rolling the ends of her hair onto the curlers, she laughs, “Actually, scratch that. It’s probably going to be extremely awkward.”
“It really bothers me that they don’t like each other. They both mean so much to me, I want to be able to spend time with both of them, together.”
“I get that, but you need to accept the fact that they might not ever like one another. If you ask me, I think you’re lucky they tolerate each other.” I shrug. Even if she’s right, to me, it’s worth a try. The last curler goes in her hair and she inspects her work before coming at me with a set of tweezers. “Now, hold still. I’m going to clean up your brows.” She places them against my skin and stabs me with them.
“Ow!”
“Really, Tav? You want my brother to do all sorts of fucked up shit to you and you’re moaning over an eyebrow hair? I don’t think so. Now sit still.”
I frown at her, even though I endure it until she’s done. She holds up the mirror for me to see, and they do look nice. I don’t know if it’s worth that, but they look nice.
Even though it feels like she goes over the same area five hundred times with makeup, when she’s finished and I see myself, I feel like I look much prettier. My skin is highlighted and glowing, and she did such a good job with my hair. I buckle my shoes and stand up to look in the mirror. My reflection is so cute that I smile. I really like this outfit.
I hear Timothy’s voice as we walk down the stairs, and when we turn the corner, I see him smiling at us. “Well, look at you two!”
Lex’s face is exactly what makes all this getting ready worth it. His smile is sweet and aroused as I walk up to him. He cups the base of my neck and whispers in my ear, “You look fucking incredible.”
I press my thighs together at his words, and my cheeks feel warm. “Have fun with Tobe.”
He makes a partial effort to look enthused. “I’m sure I will.”
We go outside to Timothy’s SUV and Todd turns on the radio once we’re all inside. Even Timothy sings with us and Sasha starts dancing in her seat urging me to join her. The music and everyone’s enthusiasm makes my stomach feel like it has a heartbeat.
We drive through a parking garage as Sasha points at people and tells us about their clothes. I’m so glad she made my outfit, so I know I’ll fit in.
She loops her arm through mine as we get out of the car and walk across a big parking lot. The closer we get to a large building, the more people we see and the more interesting their outfits become.
The doors are big, and as soon as we walk through them, Sasha hands a man our tickets. He points to the set of wooden doors behind him and when Timothy opens one, it gets so loud. I follow them into a lobby with extremely tall ceilings. I can hear the thump of music coming from the main hall. My purple hair would have fit right in here. I see green, and blue, and even rainbow colored.
Sasha leads us through one of the sets of double doors and the music gets even louder. I have a pang of breathlessness as I look around me. There are HUNDREDS of people all in one insanely huge room. The runway is the centerpiece and is ginormous. Three boys are walking across the long, white stage in scarves and jackets.
Why are they in jackets? It’s burning up outside.
Colored lights are blinking on the white stage and camera lights are flashing on the floor. People are sitting right up next to the stage and continue on back to the top of the room, creating a U shape. I have never seen anything like this and I’ve never seen this many people in one place before.
It’s too loud to speak, so Sasha waves her arm for us to follow her to our seats. I hope they’re close. We go down three levels until we reach our spots. We aren’t on the floor, but I can still see perfectly clear. A whole line of boys, including the ones we just saw, all walk across the runway next to a man who doesn’t match the others, and he doesn’t really look like a model. He’s waving at the crowd, and when they exit the stage, the music dies down and the lights get a little lighter.
Sasha pulls out a paper booklet and leans over next to my ear so I can hear her. “It looks like the spring/summer line by Leonora Synser is going to show next. I loved her swimsuits last year.”
I’m not one hundred percent sure who or what she’s talking about so I just smile and nod as the lights dim. A fun, upbeat song that I don’t know, fills the whole room. A woman comes out and introduces herself and tells us the name of the line is called Lilacs and Lace.
I’ve never seen so many beautiful things all in a row. Every girl who walks out is wearing something even more stunning than the last. There are similarities between each outfit while each of them are unique.
The very last girl is in a magical gown that I can’t figure out how she’s keeping on. The lace climbs up her chest and across her shoulders in a vine. Her hair looks as if there are pieces of lace woven throughout and continues onto her forehead. When all the girls come out again I see more things I like about each of them. The woman lifts her hand in a frozen wave, and I can’t stop myself from clapping. That was so wonderful!
Every line we see has its own style and color theme. Todd and Sasha talk about some of the pieces like they’re boring or ugly. I don’t think any of them are ugly, and I definitely don’t think any of them are boring.
Timothy says he wants to leave a little early to beat the crowd. As soon as we get in the car, Sasha pulls out her phone to post pictures on one of the internet sites she has. She somehow remembers all the designers’ names.
I can’t believe Lex wouldn’t want to see that. Hopefully he wants to hear about it, though, because I’m gonna tell him all about it.
We pull up in the driveway and I jump out as soon as Timothy stops the car. I hope Toben is still here. The kitchen is empty when I run inside.
“Alex?” Sasha calls as she walks in behind me. There isn’t a reply.
Suddenly, I think I hear Blind Mag barking.
“Wait, hold on.” I listen harder and she’s upset. Even though it’s muffled, I can tell there’s something wrong, she never goes crazy like this. I cross the kitchen to ch
eck out back. “Something’s going on with Blind Mag.”
The curtains are partially covering the open back door, so I pull them back and see what has Blind Mag so riled up.
When I watch what’s happening by the pool, my eyes don’t believe it. Alexander’s on top of Toben, and he keeps punching his fist onto his still body.
Sasha’s hands fly up to her mouth as Timothy runs past us.
“Whoa, Alex, Alex! Stop!”
He throws Lex off of Toben and pushes him back. Lex’s shoulders are heaving and he’s glaring at Toben in a way that scares me. He wants to keep hurting him.
I run over to Toben to help him, and I whimper when I see his entire face is bloody. I can’t believe Alexander would do this. The tears sting my eyes from the need to fall.
“Are you okay?” I whisper, and he winks at me. I turn back to Alexander and I hate the fury on his face. “Why? Why did you do this?” I scream at him.
He yanks himself free of Timothy and I can tell he’s angry with me too. “You let him into my fucking house.” His face is red with a darker rage than I’ve ever seen on him. “You let your rapist into my MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE?!”
He’s screaming at me and my heart falls, taking my breath with it. Oh no… I look down at Toben. “Oh, Toben. What did you tell him?”
“No, Tavin!” Lex bellows. “Wrong question! The real question is: What didn’t you tell me?”
I don’t know what to say, I just want him to stop the way he’s looking at me.
Scoffing, he shakes his head and turns to walk away. He feels like I lied to him again. I keep thinking he won’t understand, when he’s proved to be more accepting about all of this than I could have ever dreamt up. I need to start trusting him more and maybe he deserves to know.
I leave Toben to follow after him. “Please, Lex, it wasn’t his fault. Logan made him do it… He was punishing us. Toben didn’t have a choice. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t tell you because I just want to forget about it.”
“He needs to leave. Now!”
The sliding door slams shut behind him and I turn back to Tobe. “Why would you tell him that?!”
We’ve never really talked about the effect that day had on our relationship. I’ve tried so hard not to think about it, so I didn’t consider that he did the opposite.
Sasha touches my arm. “Hey, you two need to have this conversation later.” She nods her head toward the house. “You need to go talk to Alex. I’ll give Toben a ride home.” I look at the door Lex just stormed through. “Call me later if you need to talk, okay?” She gives my arm a squeeze.
“Okay.” I hold my hand out to Toben to help him up, before hugging him tight. “I love you. You know that right?”
His lips lift into a half smile. “I know that.”
Giving him a quick kiss, I take a big breath before going inside. Lex isn’t in the kitchen, so I quietly climb the stairs to his room and slowly open his door. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.
“Alexander?” I whisper.
He looks up and as he sees me, the sadness in his eyes transforms back into anger. He shoots to his feet and for a moment, I think he’s going to throw the bottle.
“How am I supposed to be okay with this? He…he fucking liked it, Tavin.”
My own anger climbs up my stomach and bursts through my lips. “I know that! I was there! You have no idea what that was like for me. This is why I didn’t tell you. You can’t possibly get it.”
“You didn’t just not tell me. You lied to me about it.”
“How was I supposed to tell you? I knew you wouldn’t understand, and he’s my best friend. No matter how you would have found out, you still would have freaked. You can’t handle my life, Lex, just admit it!”
He marches up to me and grabs my face. “I love you. Do you get that? The idea of anyone hurting you does things to me, and this was done by someone you call a friend. So yeah, Tav, I am ‘freaked’.”
How can I make him see? My life isn’t black and white. It isn’t even gray. It’s every color of the rainbow.
“He’s wanted to have sex with me for a long time, I just couldn’t. It’s Toben…I couldn’t have something as horrible as sex dirtying our relationship. It was difficult for him, and he still never once pressured me about it. Then one day, I made Logan angry, worse than we had seen in a long time. He knew how I felt about sexual things, especially with Tobe, so that was my punishment, our punishment. It wasn’t Toben’s fault.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want him back in my house.”
“He’s the only reason you ever met me! If it wasn’t for him, I would have killed myself years ago!”
He sighs with frustration. “I’m going to need some time on this one, Tavin.”
“Fine.”
I turn around and shut the door. I understand why he’s upset, I really do, but I’m the one who went through it. If I’ve forgiven Toben, then he should too. He isn’t taking him from me, though. Lex not allowing him in the house won’t stop me from seeing him.
All he’s doing is making things more difficult. If he really wants to be with me, he’s going to have to accept that my life has been filled with men using my body. A lot of men. What he doesn’t see is, in a way, Toben was raped too. He didn’t want to do it that way, he was forced to.
I go back downstairs and out to the patio, where everyone besides Blind Mag has already left. I walk over to where they were fighting and my heart aches when I see the blood on the concrete. Falling onto the lawn chair, I look over to see a few roaches on the table. I could definitely go for a joint right now. I scoop them up and tell Blind Mag to come on.
Stopping in the kitchen to give her a treat, we go back up the stairs to go to my room. I snatch my phone off the dresser before falling back on the bed and texting Toben. Lex made his face bloody, which is not going to be good when Logan sees him.
Are you ok?
I hit send and look at the nightstand. There’s a magazine, so I grab it and pull open the drawer to get the papers. I start to break open apart the roaches when my phone dings.
Come on, I can take a few hits. Dude has an arm though.
I smile at the phone. He always acts so tough.
What are you going to tell Logan?
I scrape the secondhand weed into a pile and sprinkle it into the paper before rolling and licking it closed.
Don’t worry, I won’t tell on your boyfriend. I’ll just say I got into a bar fight.
I sigh. Even though I didn’t think he would tell, I still feel relieved at him saying it. I light the joint and take a long pull.
Thank you, Tobe. Why didn’t you fight back? You were just letting him hit you.
Ugh. Pre-smoked weed doesn’t taste the same. It’ll get the job done though.
Because I deserved it.
My eyes burn as I press the palms of my hands against them, and push the ‘call’ button. There’s background noise before his voice wraps around me. “Hey, Love.”
“Tobe…you know I don’t hold it against you, right?”
“I know. I hold it against myself. I should have fought harder, I—”
“You were trying to protect me. I’m older now, I understand it more. Please stop punishing yourself for it.”
He’s silent for a while and all I hear is him smoking, when he says, “I hope I didn’t make too big of a mess of things.”
I lean back and puff on the joint. “He’s really upset. It wasn’t fair of you to spring that on him. If I know Lex though, he’ll come around, eventually.”
“I don’t know about this one. You didn’t see his face before he flew out of that chair like a ninja.”
I groan, “I really wish you wouldn’t have done this.” I can feel the high starting to float over my skin and I just want to enjoy it and go to sleep. “Use ice to get the swelling to go down, okay? Go get high and get some rest. I love you, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I love
you, too. Sweet dreams, Tav.”
“Sweet dreams, Toben.”
Sunday, July 5th
I TOUCH THE EMPTY SPACE in my bed. I thought I was done with the lies and the deceit. I thought I had proved to her she could tell me anything. Maybe if she would have told me herself, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Hearing it from him, the way he told me…I want to kill the little fuck.
I get out of bed and walk past her empty room. I still have the fear of her leaving. That one day she’ll get too overwhelmed and bolt, so when I get to the top of the stairs and hear her talking to Blind Mag, I breathe a sigh of relief.
The dog is sitting on the island as Tavin feeds her bits of her muffin.
“Tavin, don’t give the dog your food.”
She jumps and gives me an unsure expression. I walk over to her and kiss her head before pouring a cup of coffee.
“Are you still mad?” She asks.
I pet Blind Mag and sit next to her, “I have to be able to trust you, Tavin. I have to know what you’re telling me is the truth.” Her head jerks and her eyebrows knit. “You told me over and over that you two had never slept together.”
Her eyes get watery and her little fingers wrap around my hand. “I’m sorry, Lex. I honestly just wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen.”
“But it did happen.”
“You’re right, I should have told you, I…I don’t know how to do this.”
I hold her face so she’s looking right at me, when I say, “No more lies. That’s all I ask.”
She nods and whispers, “I am sorry.”
“I’ll work on getting past this, okay? I do want to understand.” She gives me a sweet smile before she sips her coffee. “So, what do you want to do today?”
She twirls a tendril around her finger and looks up at me with a raised brow. “Can we go roller skating?”
I burst out laughing. “Roller skating? What the hell made you think of that?”
Her eyes widen and she claps her hands together before spreading them out in emphasis. “One of the designers yesterday had all the models on roller skates and it looked like so much fun.”
