by Matt Cowper
Deathrain crouched down beside the maniacal couple and pulled out a knife with a serrated edge. “I said I’d let you both go – if you answer our questions. If you don’t….”
“Never sold! Never had!” Balderdash screamed. “Can’t make, can’t buy – not enough Washingtons, Jeffersons, Lincolns, Hamiltons—”
“I get it,” Deathrain snapped. “You couldn’t afford it – or so you say. But a little bird told me you sold some to a man down at the docks a few weeks ago.”
“That?” Balderdash said, wiggling his nose. “Not null-raxite! Something else!”
“What?”
“A few bags of poisonous confetti.”
In a blink, the knife was an inch from Balderdash’s cheek.
“Don’t lie to me,” Deathrain said.
“Not lying!” Balderdash said. “Guy I sold confetti to mentioned null-raxite, but only in passing! Didn’t mean anything! I sold confetti! Never had null-raxite!”
“Why were you selling this confetti?” Deathrain asked.
“Needed money to support my darling,” Balderdash said, reaching up to pat Vivian on her arm. “By myself, don’t need much. But with Vivian – want to treat her like a duchess. More than a duchess, a—”
“Oh, babe,” Vivian said softly. “You try so hard….”
“Who’d you sell this confetti to?” I asked.
“A new villain – calls himself Party Animal,” Balderdash said. “He needed gear. Felt bad – I am now supposed to be a vigilante, a sort-of good-guy. Sort of – shortly. Shouldn’t be selling things to villains. But I must keep the coffers full.”
“What do you know about the null-raxite bomb that killed Neptune?” I asked.
“Nothing!” Balderdash said. “Never had null-raxite, told you over and over and over, and would never kill Neptune! Obvious someone gave Gray Squirrel that bomb, but who? Who? Who? I’m clueless – I am out of clues, depleted.”
“What do you know about Gale Force?” I asked.
“Him?” Balderdash said. He wiped some blood and sweat from his face as he considered. “A supervillain. Very nasty. Teamed up with him a few times. Why do you – how – why do you ask me this?”
“Is he involved in this murder?” I asked.
“Unknown. Very much unknown.”
“What about Befouler?” I asked.
“More unknown non-knowns.”
“Who do you think killed Neptune, then?” I asked.
“I’ve considered that for many, many, many hours,” Balderdash said. “And I’ve come to the conclusion that – I don’t know! Too many variables, can’t keep track of them all! Who did what when, and why? Gah! Too much!”
“He doesn’t know anything else,” Deathrain said, rising. “We’re done here.”
“Will you leave us alone now?” Vivian whispered.
Suddenly the knife was gone and a pistol was once again in Deathrain’s hand. She aimed it at Balderdash’s quivering head.
“Deathrain, what are you doing?” I said, stepping towards her.
“Stay right there,” she replied. “You can’t stop me from pulling the trigger – might as well save your energy.”
“You said you’d let us go!” Vivian cried.
“Yes, I did,” Deathrain said, “but I also promised myself I’d kill everyone who was involved in this…incident.”
“You don’t want to do this,” I said softly.
“I figured you’d throw out that cliché,” she scoffed. “I’m a goddamn assassin. I kill people, and I lose no sleep whatsoever over it. I do want to do this – and I will.”
I could see her finger pulling back the trigger. Balderdash closed his eyes and started sobbing. Vivian wrapped her arms around her beau. I bent my knees, preparing to dive at her, though I knew anything I did would be far too late.
“Do not kill the Dasher of Balders,” Dak said weakly.
Everyone turned to my God Arm. There were a few points of orange and brown within the black and gray; he was recovering, but slowly.
“What did you say?” Deathrain asked.
“Though this mortal’s modus operandi has changed, he is still destructive,” Dak said. “I would not have his life ended prematurely.”
“Sorry, Dak, but I made a promise to myself,” Deathrain said.
“Dakroth’gannith’formaz cares naught for your vow,” Dak said. “I care only for destruction. Let him live, or I will be irate.”
Deathrain lowered the gun slightly.
“Deathrain, I have a high regard for you,” Dak said, “and you, I believe, have a high regard for me. Trust me on this matter.”
Deathrain stared at my God Arm for what felt like an hour, but then she dropped the gun to her side. With a swift motion, the weapon was returned to a holster, and she stood there, arms at her sides, as if she didn’t know what to do next.
“Dak, what was that?” I thought-spoke.
“Gods are inscrutable,” Dak thought-spoke back. “You know this.”
“Thank you,” Vivian whispered.
“Thank you thank you thank you!” Balderdash cried. “I don’t know who’s on your arm, Johnny whose-last-name-I-don’t-know, but he is a splendid person, thing, or idea!”
“As long as you continue to wreak havoc, Dasher of Balders,” Dak said, “you have the approbation of the God of Destruction.”
“Let’s go,” Deathrain snapped at me.
“We aren’t going anywhere,” I said. “I’m going to a hospital, and you’re going back to your assassin hideout and polish your bullets, or whatever you do to while away an evening.”
“Always so fucking difficult,” she said. “Well, I’m going to be difficult, too.”
I saw her right arm fly at me, but I was too drained to block her blow. Her fist slammed into my chin, and I saw a quick burst of light, then I descended into darkness.
Chapter Nineteen
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” the leering, disembodied head of Captain Neptune said. “All these people you’ve angered, all the bumps and bruises you’ve taken, and for what?”
“What…what the hell’s going on?” I said. I was floating somewhere black and cold. I flailed about, but without any reference points besides the large head in front of me, I didn’t know if I was actually moving.
Maybe Dak could whip up something to help me out….
I looked down at my God Arm, but it was gone. Nothing there but the blackness that surrounded me.
“Dak?” I thought-spoke.
No reply.
I felt panic overtaking me. I was helpless, just like I’d been after my flesh-and-blood arm had gotten blown off. No longer a superhuman – just another handicapped guy who everyone felt sorry for.
“Where the fuck am I?” I yelled. “And how are you talking to me? You’re dead! Everyone saw you die!”
“That they did,” Captain Neptune said. “And I deserved it, don’t you think? I was a complete bastard – worse than the vilest supervillain.”
I said nothing.
“Of course you agree,” Neptune said. “This is your dream, and your mind, after all. You created me – I know everything you know.”
“Yeah, you were a bastard,” I said, “but I’m still gonna see this thing through. Julia deserves the truth.”
Neptune laughed. I felt a hundred cold pinpricks. “Then you’ll be joining me in the grave shortly.” His head tilted. “As for my wife – you’re getting very friendly with her, aren’t you?”
“I…that’s all she is, a friend.”
“And a client, of course.”
“Yes,” I said softly.
Another cold laugh. “Exploiting a grieving widow like that – shameful.”
“She came to me! I’m not exploiting anyone!”
“You could’ve shown her the door,” Neptune said. “She clearly wasn’t in her right mind. What about ethics, Mr. Wagner?”
“What about my livelihood?” I said. “If I split hairs over ethics every time a
client walked into my office, I’d be out of business.”
“Maybe you should go out of business. Maybe you should return to superheroing.”
“To hell with that.”
“Oh, you’ve never considered donning the boots and spandex again?” Neptune said. “Don’t lie to me – you can’t, anyway. I know what you know.”
“Fuck off.”
“Or maybe you should turn into a supervillain. Paired with the God of Destruction, you’re ready-made for villainry.”
“No, I—”
“What you are is an average man. Well, that’s what you were, before you bonded with Dak. Now you’re a low-level superhuman, constantly pushed and pulled between two extremes. You don’t know what to do about anything, do you? You think of yourself as a practical private eye, but you’ve turned this case into your own personal crusade. You want Felicia, but you also want Deathrain – and you want my wife. You claim it’s hard to keep Dak in check, but you sometimes grin like a madman whenever he’s destroying something.”
“Shut up! That’s not—”
“Johnny,” another voice said.
“What?” I gasped.
“Time to wake up,” the voice said.
I blinked my eyes, and I was back in reality. Of course – I’d been dreaming. I shook off the grogginess and looked around. I was lying on my bed, in my apartment – and Deathrain was standing beside me. She’d changed into new clothes and mask, and was completely healed from our adventure in Razzle Dazzle. All of her gear – sniper rifle, pistols, grenades, wires, binoculars, and a dozen other tools of the trade – was arranged on a table she’d lugged in from the other room.
“What the hell?” I said.
“You’re all patched up,” she said. “Total of forty stitches. I’m sure you feel like shit, but you’ll be fine in a few days. Don’t worry about removing the stitches; your body will absorb them on its own.”
I lifted myself up on my elbows and looked at Deathrain’s handiwork. She’d stripped me down to my boxers, and I could see every cut she’d closed, along with every bruise I’d gotten during our battle with Balderdash. Her stitches were clean and professional – almost the work of an obsessive artist. She’d cleaned me up thoroughly, too; I couldn’t see a drop of blood anywhere on my body.
“You knocked me out,” I said, glaring at her. “What the fuck’s the matter with you?”
She crossed her arms. “I knew I should’ve dropped some poisonous nanobots into one of those wounds.”
“OK, thanks for helping me,” I said, “but you could’ve, you know, gotten my consent, instead of knocking me out and then dragging me back here.”
“I am tired of your fretting and mewling already,” Dak rumbled. “I was having a fascinating conversation with Deathrain, but now you have awoken and ruined everything.”
I looked down at my God Arm. It was swirling orange-brown, like normal. I remembered my dream, and shivered; I was glad Dak was still attached to me, but I certainly wasn’t going to let him know that.
“I tried to get your consent,” Deathrain said, “but, like a moron, you said you wanted to go to a hospital. I wasn’t in the mood to argue, so I just expedited the process.”
“How did you find out where I lived?” I asked.
“Looked in your wallet, found your driver’s license,” Deathrain replied. “You know, some of those coupons you’ve got expired years ago. And who’s the girl in the orange leotard?”
“Uh…none of your damn business,” I said, feeling heat on my cheeks. Why did I keep a photo of Felicia in my wallet anyway? I never looked at the thing – only several times a day.
“She’s your lover, looks like,” Deathrain said, walking to the table to fiddle with her gear. “Is she any good in bed?”
“Again, none of your damn business.”
Deathrain shrugged and walked back over to the bed. “I was just wondering how I’ll compare.”
With a few quick motions, she removed her tank top, camo pants, and mask. I’d never seen someone undress so swiftly. I guessed I shouldn’t have been surprised; the way she handled her weapons, it was obvious her hands were unerring.
She stood there in black bra and panties, regarding me like I was a meal she couldn’t wait to gobble. I stared at her hard body, then looked up at her face. It wasn’t a well-moisturized, well-makeuped face; it was the rugged face of a woman who traveled the world killing people. Her features were angular, her black hair short and spiky, her eyes the color of metal.
“So that’s what you look like under that mask,” I said.
“Like what you see?” Deathrain said.
“I…well….”
“Do not maunder about morals and responsibilities, John Wagner,” Dak rumbled. “It is time to copulate. You should only open your mouth to conjoin it with a part of Deathrain’s body.”
Deathrain’s grin was so incredibly wicked, it doubled the size of my erection. “As usual, Dak has the right idea.”
She slithered on top of me, and we were soon in a tangle of arms and legs – including my God Arm, which was rumbling quite happily.
“You sure did make a lot of noise just now,” I said.
She gave me a playful pinch on my stomach. “You weren’t exactly mute yourself.”
“Well, you’ve got some special moves,” I said. “And very nice breasts….”
“Yeah, you couldn’t keep your hands off them. You were like a teenager getting his first feel.”
“They’re real, aren’t they?”
“Shut up,” she said, giving me another pinch, this one not so playful.
We lay there for several moments, snuggling.
“What’s your real name?” I asked, rolling over to look into her gunmetal eyes.
“Deathrain is my real name. There’s another name on my birth certificate, but that doesn’t matter.” The stubbornness of her response made it clear she wasn’t going to tell me, so I rolled onto my back and laced my fingers around my head.
“How are you holding up?” Deathrain asked. “With your injuries, and the sex….”
“I’m aching and exhausted,” I said. “I need to put matchsticks under my eyes or something. You’ve got more energy than a roomful of kindergartners.”
“Healing factor,” she said. “Keeps me spry.” She ran a fingernail along my neck. “You kept up with me, though. I’m impressed. I’d like to see how you function at full strength.”
“What about you, Dak?” I said. “Are you on cloud nine?”
My God Arm was swirling pink and purple, which, of course, meant his realm was gushing and cheering in a festival of love.
“That was quite an experience,” Dak said. He sounded more like an enamored poet than a breaker of worlds. “Deathrain’s fierceness and adeptness astonished me. She is truly proficient in all things. If I feel like this, I cannot imagine the opulent feelings within your being, John Wagner.”
“Yeah, I guess there are some opulent feelings….” I stopped myself before I got too sappy.
The two of us – well, the three of us – lay there, our naked bodies intertwined, as if we’d never separate. The faint sounds of the city drifted into the room: cats meowed in the alley below, and a few cars clunked past every few minutes. Once, I thought I heard a siren, but the night swallowed it almost immediately.
Besides these minor intrusions, our little world was peaceful and comfortable – which was odd, since I had a God of Destruction for a limb, and Deathrain was a world-renowned hitwoman.
I had some questions, though, so I cleared my throat and put my left arm around Deathrain.
“Why did you do this?” I asked.
“Do what?” Deathrain replied. “Fuck your brains out?”
“Yes, if you want to put is so baldly,” I said.
“Because I’m attracted to you. Isn’t that obvious? Or do you suspect I have some ulterior motive?” She slid away from me and sat up cross-legged. “You think I seduced you so I could ply you for infor
mation on Captain Neptune’s murder?”
“It’s possible,” I said. “But I have a different theory.”
“Which is?”
“You’re more attracted to Dak than me,” I said. “We’ve bickered since we first laid eyes on each other. But you and Dak—”
“Of course she is more captivated with me than with your unexceptional mind and body,” Dak rumbled.
Deathrain stared at my God Arm for a few seconds, then reached over and caressed it. The colors within my arm sprang to her touch, and Dak’s rumble rocked the bed.
“Yes, I’m…captivated with Dak,” she said. “No point denying it. But you – that is, Johnny Wagner, sans Dak – you’re right, we don’t understand each other.” She pulled back her hand, and the colors settled down a little. “There’s some of Dak in you, but not enough….”
“Yeah, I’ve always thought Dak influenced me, and vice versa, but it’s hard to tell, and there aren’t many experts in this area – ones I can afford to consult with, anyway.” I was trying to sound cavalier, but Deathrain’s admission stung. Why, though? It wasn’t like we were going to date and eventually get married and have kids. That was impossible – wasn’t it?
“How did you get this arm?” Deathrain said. “I’ve seen some strange prostheses before – including some that talked – but never one like this.”
I fidgeted. “That’s a long story.”
“We’ve got time.”
“Well – alright.” I cleared my throat. “I lost my arm – my real arm – about a year ago. The Power was fighting Queen-Goddess Myrla – you know how strong she is – and one of her eye-lasers went astray. Vaporized my arm.”
“Ouch,” she said. “I’ve gotten my arms blown off a few times. They take a few hours to regrow. Pretty inconvenient.”
“Well, I don’t have a healing factor, obviously.” I thought I sounded bitter and whiny, so I took a few deep breaths before continuing. “So – some bystanders got me to a hospital, and they patched me up. But then they wanted to attach a prosthetic, you know, just a normal old cybernetic thing. I said fuck that. I wanted something more. I wanted to get revenge on Myrla, and maybe The Power too, for not protecting me. I’ve mellowed these past few months, not so angry about it – normal people get caught in the crossfire of superhero battles all the time – but when it happened….”
