by Karen Clarke
The lifeguard hadn’t been patrolling the coves that day. If he had been – if he’d called the coastguard straight away – maybe the man wouldn’t have drowned and I wouldn’t be standing here, too terrified to move.
The arm appeared again, small and white in the midst of a circle of boys, the sound of their laughter distorted by the water.
My body lurched into action. I tripped through the shallows towards the gulley, the blood roaring in my ears. The water was higher, round my knees, my thighs. ‘Hayley!’ People turned, their faces a blur as I thrashed past, a few startled shouts as I splashed water in their eyes. ‘Where is she?’
Marianne was there, unfamiliar with her hair turned dark by the water and slicked to her scalp, her mouth a circle of shock. ‘Beth!’
‘Where is she?’ I could hardly get the words out.
‘What?’
I took a breath, dropped, and suddenly I was underwater, pressing air out through my nose, eyes stinging and burning as I held them wide open, looking for a small body at the bottom of the pool. All I could see were several sets of spindly legs treading water, and a young girl swimming towards me, hair trailing around her like fronds of sea grass.
I shot up like a scuba diver, gasping and rubbing my eyes, hair clinging to my cheeks like seaweed.
‘Beth, what on earth’s wrong?’
I felt the weight of Marianne’s hand on my shoulder and shrugged away, heart drumming in my chest. ‘Hayley,’ I managed to choke out.
‘Mummy, you’re nearly swimming!’
I prised open my chlorine-rinsed eyes to see a blurred version of Hayley in front of me, head and shoulders poking out of the water, her eyelashes spiky and wet. I blinked, trying to rearrange my face. ‘There you are!’ It was an attempt to sound spirited, as though we were playing a game, but came out sounding mangled. ‘I couldn’t see you.’ I was starting to shiver, my body juddering with a life of its own. I wanted to grab Hayley and run, but knew she’d be scared if I didn’t act like myself.
‘Mummy, you look funny.’ She doggy-paddled closer and patted my cheeks with wet hands. ‘Your hair’s drippy.’
Charlotte joined her, bobbing like a seal, her eyes wide and curious.
‘Go and play,’ I said to Hayley, catching her hands and kissing each in turn. ‘I just came to chat to Marianne.’
As they flipped away, agile as fish, I turned to meet Marianne’s worried gaze. ‘Don’t,’ I said through chattering teeth. ‘I know they’re safe with you, I just … I couldn’t see her, that’s all.’
‘Look at where you are.’ A smile broke over her face, which was damp and blotched with freckles close up. ‘Beth, you’re in the deep end.’
Sensation came flooding back. The deep end wasn’t that deep in the junior pool, but the water felt like a belt around my waist. I waited for panic to rise, but felt nothing beyond a bone-deep relief that my daughter was safe. ‘I couldn’t see her,’ I said again, eyes pinned to where she and Charlotte were swimming together, arms cutting through the water.
‘This is good, Beth.’ Marianne tipped onto her back and pushed away, towards the girls. ‘Maybe you should book some lessons,’ she called. ‘You’re stronger than you think.’
I stared after her, rubbing my upper arms, which were rippled with gooseflesh. Had Marianne sneaked Hayley out of sight as a test, even though she knew how terrified I’d be? Terrified enough to come looking?
I had to get out, even though it meant ripping my eyes away from Hayley for a few moments. The water felt weighty, but pushing through it wasn’t hard after all. It was just a pool, I reminded myself. There weren’t any giant waves waiting to enfold me; just ripples and eddies around my hips and legs.
I risked a glance up and caught Vic’s eye in time to see him gesture that he was coming down. He must have seen what happened. There was no sign of Pam, but as I looked for Marianne and the girls, I thought I glimpsed Matt, heading through the swing doors to the exit. My heart bumped. It wouldn’t be him, just someone with a similar gait. He didn’t come here when it was my turn to bring Hayley, and anyway, he’d be preparing for their trip to France tomorrow.
I grabbed my towel and draped it around me before sitting on the bench, waiting for Vic to appear. Eyes back on Hayley, a peculiar feeling of calm settled over me. OK, so I hadn’t exactly waded into a stormy ocean to save my daughter, but I’d rushed through water to find her, in spite of my crushing fear. As I let that sink in, another feeling rose and dug its claws in. A determination to face whatever was coming and beat it.
Marianne was right. I was stronger than I’d thought.
Swimming pools are strange places. Unnatural. That lifeguard wasn’t really watching what was going on. You have to be alert all the time, but I suppose it gets boring. It was odd, seeing you rush to ‘save’ her. Mother’s instinct, I suppose. I assumed your fear would override it. I was banking on it really. You surprised me. It means what’s coming might be trickier to pull off. Tricky, but far from impossible.
Not long now.
Chapter 21
Vic was unusually terse on the way to my parents’ house for lunch, barely responding to Hayley’s stream of chatter. ‘I wish we could go straight home,’ he said, when I asked him what was wrong. ‘I don’t feel like being sociable right now, and I’m surprised you want to go there after that scene with your brother.’
‘They’ll worry if I don’t.’
He sighed, and I wondered whether he was thinking: Is this how it’s always going to be? Maybe he was hankering after the quiet life he’d had before he met me.
Once at my parents’, he responded in monosyllables to Dad’s questions about his work. Dad was fascinated by Vic’s job, a bit in awe of it too. I knew for a fact he looked online for news of developments in eye surgery techniques and was always impressed when Vic talked about them.
Today, as we sat in a shady area of the patio to eat the picnic-style lunch Mum had prepared, his query about an advance in cataract treatment fell flat. It was obvious Vic was distracted, despite his polite responses. I found myself making up for it by being extra chatty about the art exhibition, but noticed Mum seemed on edge, hardly touching her plate of food. I guessed she was holding back from asking what my visit with Jamie had been about because Vic was there, and she didn’t want to cause a scene.
She perked up when Hayley asked, ‘Can I please have a go at your sewing machine, Grandma? You said I could, if I was a good girl?’
‘Of course you can, sweetie.’ Some of the tension drained from her face. ‘Dessert first, though.’
After we’d eaten a summer fruit pudding, they disappeared inside. When I took our empty bowls into the kitchen, leaving Dad and Vic pondering the likelihood of heavy traffic on the way to Cornwall the following morning, I smiled to see Hayley on my mother’s lap. Mum was gently guiding her hands as they stitched, just as she’d done with me years ago – though the machine she’d had back then had been older, clunkier, and I hadn’t the patience to sit still for long.
‘Look, I’m making an Elsa dress.’ Hayley beamed at me. She was obsessed with Frozen. I admired the bunch of shiny material, my heart dropping as it sank in how much I was going miss her over the next few days.
When she’d got bored of sewing and headed back into the garden to play swing-ball with Dad – he was spectacularly bad at hitting the ball, which made her bubble over with laughter – Mum took me aside under the pretext of fetching more cold drinks.
‘Why were you so angry with your brother?’ she said, as though I was six years old. ‘Why on earth would you think he wants you dead?’
‘Oh, Mum, it was …’ I tried to frame something believable. ‘I got a prank message on my phone that wasn’t very nice and thought it was from him,’ I said. ‘You know what he’s like.’
‘Yes, I do, and you really upset him.’ Her cheeks had gone blotchy. ‘He’s extremely sensitive where you’re concerned, and could do without you accusing him of things he hasn’t done.’
This was new: Mum sticking up for Jamie. With a flash of insight, I saw how it must have been for her and Dad – to go from being ordinary, caring parents with two children who loved each other, to the fractured family we’d become after my accident, the focus shifting automatically to the daughter who’d almost died.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, close to tears. ‘Did he say anything?’
She shook her head, her hair swinging, grey showing at the roots. ‘He stormed out after you’d gone, didn’t even take the bike.’ Her eyes were filled with reproach – an expression I’d never seen directed at me before; the sort of look she’d aim at Jamie whenever he’d prodded at me wanting a reaction, even if it was the wrong one.
‘He’ll be back,’ I said, wanting to wipe the look off her face. ‘Don’t worry, Mum.’
She nodded, scooping some crumbs off the worktop into her hand, which she dropped into the bin. ‘You know you don’t have to go tomorrow, don’t you?’
It took me a second to grasp the change of subject, decipher the anxious groove between her eyebrows.
‘I want to go. I’ll be fine.’ It was hot in the kitchen. I went to the sink and turned the cold tap on, holding my wrists under the stream of water. ‘I’ve told you, Mum, this is the year things change,’ I said. ‘I want to get over being scared of the sea. Or at least put it into perspective.’
Enjoy your birthday, Beth. It’ll be your last.
‘And you’re sure you can’t do that in, say, Brighton. Or Scarborough?’ Her tone was unusually combative. ‘It has to be Perran Cove?’
‘I could probably cope with the sea just about anywhere else,’ I said. ‘From a distance at least.’ I turned off the tap and dried my hands on a tea towel. My senses felt sharper, as if the cold water had entered my bloodstream. ‘It’s Perran Cove that still haunts me, gives me nightmares.’
‘All the more reason not to go there.’
‘Going back is the only way to stop them for good – I’m sure of that now.’
‘But look how you were when we went to St Ives that time, when the counsellor suggested we all go together,’ she persisted. ‘We didn’t get further than the harbour and had to come back.’
‘That was a long time ago.’ I suppressed a shiver. ‘After that, I thought returning there might make things worse.’
‘What if it does?’
‘It can’t do,’ I said. Why were we having this conversation now? ‘It can’t possibly make anything worse,’ I said with more conviction. ‘It’s the right thing to do.’
‘Because Vic suggested it.’
The weighty feeling tightened in my stomach. ‘Please, Mum. I don’t need this, not today.’
She fired me a despairing look and emitted a sigh. ‘Well, you know how I feel about it.’
‘Everything all right?’
We turned to see Vic in the doorway, empty glasses in his hands. ‘Came for a refill,’ he said, looking between us. ‘It’s thirsty work, playing swing-ball. Your dad’s having a lie-down on the grass.’
Mum inhaled, as if ready to speak, then seemed to think better of it. Her lips formed a smile that didn’t crease her eyes. ‘Coming up,’ she said. ‘We were just talking about your trip tomorrow, hoping there won’t be too much traffic on the road.’
She busied herself with clean glasses and a bottle of sparkling elderflower juice.
I met Vic’s gaze, and knew he’d heard every word.
*
Back home, when Hayley was up in her room and we’d wandered into the kitchen, he said, ‘You know, Hayley was fine in the pool. I could see her the whole time.’
I paused, about to spoon coffee into mugs, and turned to look at him. ‘Funny, because you were talking to Pam when I looked.’
‘She was talking to me actually, but I was still looking out and nothing happened until you suddenly went charging through the water.’
So, this was what had been troubling him all afternoon. ‘Imagine if Hayley or another child had been in trouble,’ I said, irritated. ‘At least I did something.’
I thought he might comment on that, even tell me he was proud of me, but instead he looked harassed. ‘Hayley will pick up on your fears if you’re not careful. You’d be better off not going to the pool at all.’
‘We’ll be better off if you don’t come with us next time.’ I switched the kettle off. ‘I can’t believe you’re having a go at me about it.’
‘I’m not having a go, Beth, I just …’ He paused, massaging his forehead with his fingers. ‘I know things have been weird lately, but there’s no point looking for danger where there isn’t any.’
I stared at him, suddenly cold. ‘Do you even believe that someone’s threatening me?’ Before he could reply, I continued, ‘I know none of it adds up to much, just a … a note on my car, a leaflet, that stupid inflatable someone put on the doorstep, but if you’d seen the message I got on my birthday, you’d be taking this a lot more seriously.’
‘You think I’m not taking you seriously?’ He sounded hacked off. ‘I’m taking it very seriously, Beth, but it’s hard to know what else I can do, except wait for this … this unknown person or persons – whoever they are – to come for you, or whatever it is they’re planning. It’s hard for me too.’
‘Well, don’t feel obliged to hang around,’ I bit back. ‘Leave whenever you like, I’ll be fine. And if I’m not, at least you’ll know you did your bit to help.’ I picked up my keys and thrust them at him. ‘You gave me an alarm that’s probably next to useless.’
‘Oh, Beth.’ He reached for me then and I wept on his shoulder, soaking his shirt, but things were strained between us for the rest of the evening. I was glad in the end to escape his company and help Hayley pack for her trip, trying not to think about being without her, playing along with her excitement, and when Vic came up to bed, I pretended to be asleep.
Chapter 22
Hayley was overexcited the next morning, running circles in the garden, Baxter yapping at her heels, trying to grab his tennis ball from her fist.
Watching Matt walk up the path, I felt a nervous tightness in my stomach. ‘You will keep an eye on her all the time, won’t you?’ I said, as he stepped into the hall.
His expression was sombre. ‘No accusations for me this morning?’ When I didn’t respond, he said, ‘Has anything else happened?’
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask whether he’d been at the swimming pool the previous day, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask and risk him saying no. Or worse – threaten to keep Hayley with him for longer than a few days.
I shook my head, not meeting his eyes.
He seemed to be waiting for me to say something else – perhaps apologise, but I wasn’t ready for that. With a frustrated sigh, he said, ‘You know I’ll look after her – you don’t need to ask.’ He glanced over my shoulder as if hoping Hayley was ready and waiting to go. ‘No Vic?’
‘Working,’ I said briefly. In fact, he’d gone back to his place to grab a suitcase and some things to take to Cornwall, after inviting Pam round for breakfast to keep us company – code for keep an eye on Beth – while he was gone.
‘Sure you’re OK?’ Matt narrowed his eyes. ‘You look tired.’
‘Thanks a lot.’ The truth was, I’d barely slept. Apart from dreading Hayley going to France, the upcoming trip to Cornwall was looming larger and larger in my mind.
‘Vic keeping you awake at night?’ Matt gave a sardonic smile. ‘I take it he’s staying over most of the time.’
‘Not now, Matt.’
‘Seriously, Beth, I’m worried.’ His voice turned grave. ‘What’s going on here?’
‘I’m going to miss my girl, that’s all.’ I already felt her absence like a breeze.
‘Come with us then.’ He lifted his chin, his gaze combative. ‘Mum and Dad would love to see you.’
For a second, I pictured their farmhouse, rendered a dazzling white, shutters painted soft blue like the sky in spring. Chickens and ducks wande
red freely in the courtyard, and the nearest body of water was miles away. ‘I’d love to see them too,’ I said, wistfully. I missed his family, the way I sank into my surroundings with them, absorbed into their easy camaraderie, but I couldn’t carry on visiting, even if they’d made it clear I was always welcome. I could hardly take Vic; couldn’t quite picture him squashed around the big table in their kitchen.
‘We’ve got plans,’ I said quickly.
‘Of course.’ Matt’s eyes cooled. ‘Perran Cove awaits.’
I could tell by the twist of his mouth he was angry and trying to disguise it.
‘I’ll be fine.’
‘I hope that’s true, Beth.’ He tested the weight of Hayley’s pink suitcase by the door ‘Feels like she’s packed everything.’
‘She has, pretty much.’
Briefly united, we exchanged wary smiles.
‘Done any painting?’ he asked, unexpectedly.
‘If you mean with the paints you gave me, no. Not yet.’
‘I suppose Vic didn’t approve of me buying them for you.’ It wasn’t a question, and I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I hadn’t told Vic.
‘You have my number if you need anything,’ I said instead, trying not to think how long it would take to drive back from Cornwall if anything happened. ‘If Hayley wants to talk to me, any time, it doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night—’
‘She can call whenever she wants to, Beth, but she’ll be running around most of the time.’ Matt rested his booted foot on the bottom stair. ‘Casey and Ben will be there with the kids,’ he said. ‘You know she loves seeing them.’
Another reminder of what I was missing: watching our daughter play with her cousins, Matt joshing around with his sister and her husband – if he was still capable of joshing. Looking at him now – hair too long, stubble growing into a beard, his eyes shadowed – it was hard to picture the way he’d burst into song sometimes with both elbows raised, hands pressed to his chest, or make up dances, body-popping and shoulder-shrugging, making Hayley giggle.
