by Will Pearson
If it weren’t for the dangerously explosive nature of Pop Rocks and the counterfeiting encouraged by $100,000 bars, Singapore’s classification of gum as the most evil substance on the face of the earth might come off as, oh, a tad eccentric. The ban, imposed on all citizens and tourists in 1992, emerged as a result of lawless gum chewers depositing their wads on train doors—delaying the transit system when the doors couldn’t fully close. Before the laws were (sort of) relaxed in May of 2004 (permitting gum to be sold through pharmacies only, to those with proper identification) any person trying to enter Singapore with more than a few sticks could be fined $6,173 and embarrassingly locked away in jail for a year, causing those striving for a dangerous prison persona to cringe when asked, “Waddaya in for?”
HAIR LOSS
(and the magic of neutering!)
USEFUL FOR: barroom banter, conversing with bald people, and making friends with women in your Lamaze class
KEYWORDS: Rogaine, Propecia, or toupee
THE FACT: Believe it or not, the secret to baldness was discovered at a mental institution, where patients were regularly getting “fixed.”
As late as 1942, male patients in some mental hospitals were castrated to quiet them. As a result, Winfield State Hospital, a mental hospital in Kansas, became a good place for Yale anatomist James Hamilton to conduct a study of castrated men. One day, one of the patients who had been stripped of his manhood received a visitor, his identical twin brother. Dr. Hamilton was struck by the fact that the brother was completely bald, while the inmate had a full head of hair. Could testosterone have something to do with baldness, the researcher wondered? To investigate this possibility Hamilton got permission to inject the castrated man with testosterone. Within six months the mental patient became as bald as his brother who had been progressively going bald over a twenty-year period. Unfortunately, the baldness was irreversible, but Dr. Hamilton had demonstrated clearly that testosterone levels could be linked to hair loss.
HAM
(as in Al Jolson, the biggest one of them all)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, wrap parties, and in the middle of really bad shows you wish to God you could walk out on
KEYWORDS: show stealer, prima donna, or saving grace
THE FACT: Lots of performers have been labeled “World’s Greatest Entertainer.” But Jolson really, really believed it.
Born Asa Yoelson, Al Jolson was known for hijacking the action in the middle of shows, ad-libbing, or just stopping to talk to the audience. During a 1911 performance of the critically hated Paris Is a Paradise for Coons (title not edited for political correctness), Jolson stopped and asked the audience if they’d rather hear him sing than see the rest of the play. They roared their approval, and Jolson ditched the whole program and took over. From that moment on, no one else could really share the stage with him. Unlike some on this list, however, Jolson can be forgiven somewhat for his huge ego; from most contemporary accounts, he really was the greatest in the world. Despite the enormity of his contributions to stage and screen, Jolson’s image remains a political hot potato because of his use of stage blackface (considered repellent now, but pretty acceptable at the time).
HANGOVERS
(and the easiest cure on the shelf)
USEFUL FOR: barroom banter, 21st birthdays, and convincing coworkers to go out on a work night
KEYWORDS: what’re you drinking, I am so hung over, or I’m never doing that again
THE FACT: If you avoid whiskeys, and stick to the vodkas, you’re bound to feel better in the morning.
Ever wonder what causes a hangover? It isn’t the alcohol in the beverage. Not the alcohol that most people think of, anyway. The alcohol that intoxicates is ethanol, but the stuff responsible for the hangover is a byproduct of fermentation known as methanol. Dark wines, cognac, fruit brandies, and whiskeys contain the most methanol, while vodka has almost none. Enzymes in the body convert methanol to formaldehyde, which causes the symptoms. These enzymes actually prefer ethanol as their meal—hence the “hair of the dog” treatment for hangovers. Taking another drink provides the enzymes with ethanol, and while they gorge on this, the methanol is excreted. In the doses found in beverages, methanol may be annoying but not dangerous. In high doses methanol can intoxicate and is sometimes passed off as regular alcohol by bootleggers, and in such amounts it can be lethal.
HITCHCOCK
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, chatting up film buffs, assistants to stars, and people in the beef industry
KEYWORDS: Jimmy Stewart, Kim Novak, film noir, or cattle
THE FACT: There’s no doubt about it: Alfred Hitchcock was without question one of the towering geniuses of cinema. But like many a genius, he kind of liked to hog the spotlight.
In fact, he was particularly trying for screenwriters, who never felt he properly credited them for their work, and notoriously hard on actors (he was very outspoken in his negative opinion of Kim Novak’s performance in Vertigo). He was even quoted as saying, “Actors are cattle.” The quip stirred up such a huge outcry (actors can be so touchy) that he issued this correction: “I have been misquoted. What I really said is: Actors should be treated as cattle.” Although it began by accident (he was short an actor for the film The Lodger), he soon made it his trademark to appear in his own films, amassing a total of 37 such cameos over his career.
HORSES
(and the guy who sort of filmed them)
USEFUL FOR: impressing students of film and photography, and second-graders
KEYWORDS: animation, early photography, cinema
THE FACT: While June 15, 1878, is probably one of the most forgotten dates of all time, it’s the day that made Eadweard Muybridge the Father of Motion Pictures.
The photographer was Eadweard Muybridge and the horse was Abe Edgington. Muybridge was attempting to photograph the horse running in full stride to see whether all four of the horse’s hooves left the ground at the same time. Placing 12 box cameras, fitted with special tripwires 21 inches apart along the track, Muybridge essentially recorded what was too fast for the eye to see. Not only did this prove that horses become airborne while running, but the camera technique became the foundation for motion pictures. Despite a quick run-in with the law (Muybridge was also known for tracking down a journalist and shooting him for allegedly having an affair with his wife and fathering his son—later ruled a justifiable homicide), Muybridge continued to experiment with motion photography, and even earned the title Father of Motion Pictures.
HUMAN MEAT
(nutrition-wise)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, bachelor parties, and chatting with vegetarians
KEYWORDS: New Guinea, cannibalism, or mad cow disease
THE FACT: You are what you eat. So it stands to reason that if you eat a diseased dead guy, you’re going to become a diseased dead guy. Unfortunately, the cannibalistic Fore people of New Guinea found that out the hard way.
For most of the 20th century, the Fore were plagued by a disease called kuru, also known as the “laughing death.” Kuru, a relative of mad cow disease, paralyzes its victims and causes dementia by literally creating holes in the brain. Fascinated by what he thought was a genetic disorder, scientist Daniel Carleton Gajdusek traveled to New Guinea in 1957 where he discovered that women made up the vast majority of kuru victims. He also noticed that women and children were the ones ceremonially eating the brains and intestines of dead relatives. Gajdusek deduced that the Fore were ingesting the prions, or misshapen proteins, that caused the disease. Gajdusek received a Nobel Prize for his work, and today cannibalism and kuru are all but wiped out in New Guinea.
IMELDA MARCOS
USEFUL FOR: anytime you want to feel good about spending too much on clothes
KEYWORDS: graft, corruption, or 100 percent pure evil
THE FACT: If you want to feel like a natural woman, all you need is a pair of X chromosomes. But if you want to feel like an evil woman, try borrowing a set from Imelda Marcos.
T
he former first lady of the Philippines has a biological makeup that seems like the result of a torrid love affair between Enron and Barneys. In fact, during her husband’s presidency from 1965 to 1986, Imelda and Ferdinand Marcos managed to steal an estimated $3 to $35 billion from the Philippine people by siphoning foreign aid and profits from large domestic companies into their Swiss bank accounts. It’s widely believed that Imelda was the mastermind behind these schemes (her children were once reportedly spotted wearing T-shirts that say, “Don’t Blame My Dad. Blame My Mom!”), and her extravagant ways seemed to support this theory. Imelda is famous for her lavish jewelry and her shoes; she is said to have owned 3,000 pairs, one of which was a pair of plastic disco sandals with three-inch flashing battery-operated heels. Her contribution to her country? $28 billion in foreign debt.
INFLATION
(Boss Tweed style)
USEFUL FOR: impressing history teachers, corrupt politicians, and greedy capitalists
KEYWORDS: Tweed, overpriced, or overpriced tweed
THE FACT: The undisputed poster child of graft and greed in American politics, Boss William Tweed basically raised corruption to an art form with his (far from ethical) markups.
As a member of New York’s Tammany Hall, Tweed and his cronies ran New York in the Civil War era as their own private money factory. Tweed bought 300 benches for $5 each, then sold them to the city at $600 a pop. And that’s just the tip of it. The building of City Hall was a clinic in graft: the city was charged $7,500 for every thermometer, $41,190 for each broom, and $5.7 million for furniture and carpets. And although he was crooked as a dog’s hind leg, Tweed does get a bit of credit from some historians for undertaking many important projects that improved life in New York (albeit at enormous financial gain to himself). Tweed’s illicit profits were said to be in the range of $200 million, and that’s in the ’60s—the 1860s! The law eventually caught up with the Boss, though, and he died in prison in 1878.
INSTANT BACON
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, grocery store chatter, and chatting up anyone who loves their pork
KEYWORDS: kosher, pork, or mouth-watering meat in minutes
THE FACT: Any company smart enough to bless mankind with sprayable whipped cream, the sort that touts direct-to-mouth action, has got to know a thing or two about immediate gratification. Or so you’d think.
But sadly, the makers of Reddi-wip were unable to meld their keen understanding of human laziness with processed meat. The way they figured it, if you’re cooking breakfast in the morning and you’ve got a hankering for bacon, why dirty up a pan that you’ll only have to clean later? The solution—foil-wrapped Reddi Bacon you could pop into your toaster, for piping-hot pork in seconds. What’s more, the stuff actually tasted pretty good! Too bad the brains behind the bacon forgot that bacon grease turns to liquid when heated. Tragically, the Reddi Bacon foil wrappers leaked, creating a definite fire hazard, a messy (if not totally ruined) toaster, and a product that lasted about as long as it took to cook.
instant personalities
BEN FRANKLIN loved working in the nude. It’s true: Almost every morning, big Ben would take an “air bath,” waking up early in the morning, stripping down, opening his window for a cool breeze, and then penning his thoughts for half an hour or so.
Talk about a sore sport! Believe it or not, famed Italian artist CARAVAGGIO once killed a man while arguing over the score of a tennis match.
PRESIDENT DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER was an avid golfer and actually had a putting green put on the White House lawn. When a bunch of squirrels damaged his addition, he went “Caddyshack” on them, and issued an executive order to have them expelled.
INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS
(and why Hawaii has ’em)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, road trips, and telling anyone who’ll listen
KEYWORDS: why does Hawaii have interstate highways
THE FACT: While we’d like to believe Hawaii’s interstate highway system exists for the sole purpose of annoying George Carlin, there’s a simple reason behind it.
Like it or not, the “interstate” name is actually a misnomer. The truth is that not all interstates physically go from one state to another; the name merely implies that the roads receive federal funding. As for three Hawaii interstates (H-1, H-2, and H-3), they became Interstates as part of the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and National Defense Highways. The sweeping initiative to build better highways from state to state was actually a defense measure meant to protect the U.S. from a Soviet invasion by making it easier to get supplies from one military base to another. Interstate H-201 (formerly state route 78) joined the other three in July 2004.
IRELAND
(and that whole potato famine)
USEFUL FOR: barroom banter, impressing your econ professor, and chatting up anyone in the baked potato fix-it line
KEYWORDS: potatoes, blarney, or luck of the Irish
THE FACT: You might think of the potato crisis as a punch line, but due to its effects, only half as many people live in Ireland as did before the famine.
Until the late 1800s, economic crisis usually meant agricultural crisis, with famine a not-so-infrequent consequence. Before the advent of industrial agricultural methods, weather conditions and infestations of various kinds had the power to hold the economy hostage. In 1845 a new fungus that isn’t really a fungus, Phytophthora infestans, struck the potato—the mainstay of Ireland’s food supply. Although the blight lasted only a few years, its effects were far-reaching. As many as 1.5 million died as a direct result of the famine, and many more emigrated in the second half of the 19th century. And like we said, even today only half as many people live in the nation as did before the great potato crisis.
JAPANESE DIETS
(for putting on the pounds)
USEFUL FOR: barroom banter, impressing wrestlers and giving carb counters nightmares
KEYWORDS: sumo, diet, fat, or Weight Watchers
THE FACT: Like nearly every aspect of sumo life, the famed Japanese wrestlers’ diet is based on centuries of tradition. So what exactly makes up this traditional chow?
Oddly enough, sumos put on their enormous weight—700 pounds and more—mostly by consuming a simple diet of chankonabe, a thick boiled stew containing tofu, carrots, cabbages, leeks, potatoes, lotus roots, daikon radishes, shiitake mushrooms, and giant burdock in chicken broth. Some recipes call for shrimp, noodles, raw eggs, or beer. Doesn’t sound particularly fattening, does it? In fact, chankonabe is quite healthy, high in both protein and vitamins. But three factors play into the whole weight-gaining aspect of it for sumo: 1) they eat a lot of it—an awful lot of it, 2) sumo traditionally skip breakfast, consuming most of their calories at an enormous midday meal, after which 3) they immediately take a three- or four-hour nap. As most nutritionists will tell you, skipping breakfast and then sleeping immediately after a meal is a guaranteed way to pack on the pounds.
JEFFERSON
(and the ladies)
USEFUL FOR: making small talk at reenactments and political fund-raisers, and helping debunk anyone who talks reverently about the Founding Fathers
KEYWORDS: Sally Hemings, the Constitution, presidential affairs
THE FACT: Known for his extreme intellect and skills at diplomacy, Thomas Jefferson is truly one of America’s Founding Fathers, but in more ways than for his patriotism.
Considered a loving and faithful husband to Martha during their ten years of marriage before her death, Tom Jefferson was actually a bit of a tom cat. While on a trip to New York in 1768, John Walker asked Tom to look after his wife and that he did, literally. Later in 1786 as ambassador to France, Jefferson fell deeply in love with Maria Conway, the wife of portraitist Richard Conway. Legend has it that one day, while walking through the countryside, Tom tried to show off for the blushing (Conway) bride and fell while jumping a fence only to break his wrist. But Tom’s best-known relationship was with Sally Hemings, his slave and his late wife’s half sister. Their rela
tionship went on for 35 years and provided Jefferson a number of heirs. Ironically, Jefferson detested interracial relationships and never gave Sally her freedom.
JELL-O
(and its long war)
USEFUL FOR: impressing biology teachers, six-year-olds, and Grandma
KEYWORDS: Jell-O mold, pineapples, or Bill Cosby
THE FACT: We’ve seen the end of a cold war, Republicans dance with Democrats, little black and white kids walk hand in hand…so why is it that Jell-O and pineapples still won’t get along?
If Jell-O ads and 1950s cookbooks are to be believed, you can mix almost anything with gelatin and have it come out tasty. Ham? Absolutely. Carrots? Sure thing. Tomato soup? Mm, mm good. The only ingredient that seems to be taboo is one that actually sounds delicious: fresh pineapple. Unfortunately, the tropical treat works like kryptonite on Jell-O because it contains an enzyme called bromelain, which prevents gelatin from forming into a solid. But fret not, congealed salad fans: Canned pineapple doesn’t contain bromelain. The canning process heats the pineapple to a temperature sufficient to break the enzyme down, making it oh so Jell-O friendly.
JESUS’ BROTHERS
