by Leisa Rayven
Hardest question in the world to answer. I want to say “Yes” but I swore to never lie to her again.
“I don’t know.”
She nods and comes over to hug me. “That’s what I thought. Let me just say, if he does hurt you again, I’m going to knee his balls so far up into his body, they may never come down.”
I squeeze her. “If he hurts me again, I’ll totally let you.”
“Good.”
Thinking about Ruby makes me long for her. If it wasn’t for her and Tristan, I would have become even more of a basket case than I already am.
“Is Ruby still in your life?” Dr. Kate asks.
“Not as much as I’d like.” And I miss her every day. “Just before graduation, she got pregnant. Her boyfriend was an Australian businessman she met the summer before senior year. He asked her to marry him, and after graduation they went to live in Sydney. Now they have three kids and are sickeningly happy.”
“Does she know Ethan’s back in your life?”
“Yeah. We talk online.”
“How does she feel about it?”
Whoo boy.
“When I told her I’d agreed to do a show with him, she thought I was insane and bitched me out for a good half an hour. Then, when I told her he’d apologized and wanted me back, she threatened to jump on the first plane out of Oz to beat the crap out of him. When I told her how hard he’s worked on his issues and how different he is, she went quiet for a long time.”
“And now?”
I take a deep breath. “She’s glad I’m getting therapy, and she’s cautious about Ethan. Very cautious, but she wants me to be happy. She thinks I should make him jump through hoops before even considering taking him back.”
“Does she believe he’s different?”
I shake my head. “She’s dubious.”
“Why?”
“Because he convinced us he’d changed before.”
He walks toward me, looking smug. Well, more smug than usual. Beside me, Zoe and Phoebe have gone mysteriously silent. I turn to see them watching him with their mouths open.
I can hardly blame them. Every time I see Ethan striding toward me, it’s like the world goes into slow motion. I have no doubt he affects other women in the same way.
“Christ, he’s hot,” Zoe mutters under her breath.
It might make me a bad person, but seeing Zoe drool over the man who only has eyes for me makes me all kinds of happy.
“Morning, boyfriend,” I say, a little too loudly.
When he reaches me, he murmurs, “Good morning, girlfriend,” before cupping the back of my head and drawing me in for a kiss.
All thoughts of Zoe and Phoebe are immediately forgotten. Actually, all thoughts that don’t revolve around how amazing his mouth is are also forgotten.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you two,” Avery says beside us. “I just had breakfast, and I don’t need to see that. I think I liked it better when you were broken up and would just passive-aggressively eye-fuck each other all day. There was definitely less visible tongue. Get a freaking room.”
“Good idea,” Ethan says. He grabs my hand and pulls me down the hallway toward the makeup room, then shuts the door and pulls something from his bag.
He holds it out and says, “Happy birthday.”
I’m surprised he remembered. And pleased. I wanted him to remember without reminding him. As petty as it sounds, he’s passed some sort of boyfriend test.
Having said that, I eye the thing in his hands dubiously. It looks like a tornado of paper and tape got caught on something kind of rectangular.
He shrugs. “Yeah . . . so, I suck at wrapping. I’ve been trying to hide it from you, but . . . there it is.”
I smile and rip the paper off. Inside is Ethan’s old beaten copy of The Outsiders.
“Oh, wow.” Knowing how important this book is to him, a lump forms in my throat. “Ethan . . .”
“Wait,” he says and opens the front cover. “Look.”
On the title page there’s a message: “To Cassie on your 21st birthday. Ethan tells me you’re a very special young lady. I hope your future is as bright as the sun. Stay gold. Warmest regards, S. E. Hinton.”
“Oh my God.” I look up at Ethan. His amount of smugness is now off the charts. “You got her to sign it for me?”
He nods. “Emailed her over the summer. She was really nice and agreed to sign. I mailed it to her a few days later, and she sent it back within the week.”
“Over the summer? But . . . we weren’t even back together then.”
He pauses, sheepish he just gave himself away. “I know. But I wanted to be. I couldn’t stand the thought of getting through another year without you.”
“What if I’d said no?”
He shrugs. “I would have still given it to you. It’s your twenty-first birthday. It’s special.” He kisses me gently, so open and relaxed. “You’re special.”
I stroke his face. “This is unbelievable.”
He kisses me again. “So you like it?”
“Like it? This is . . .” I shake my head, trying not to tear up. “This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I love it.” I want to say, “I love you”, but the words get stuck. Instead I kiss him and whisper, “Thank you.”
Maybe I’ve been wrong about him being able to change. Perhaps this second chance is exactly what we need, and it took us being apart to make him realize what we have is more important than his fear.
Whatever the reason, I’m grateful. I feel myself falling for him even harder than before, and right now, I don’t think I could stop myself even if I wanted to.
He hugs me, and I’m glad his T-shirt is black to hide the tears of happiness that bully their way onto my cheeks.
I look over at Dr. Kate, well aware I’m blushing.
She gives me a small smile. “So, for a while, you were happy together?”
“Yes. Really happy. At least, I was. Looking back, I realize it was only for a few months. Not long enough.”
She writes in her notebook. “When did things start to change?”
My tension starts to rise. “I don’t know the exact moment. It happened gradually.”
“Did it have a specific trigger?”
“Connor.” I’m getting short with her, so I try to calm myself. I’m angry with Ethan, not her. “Every time Connor was around, Ethan would shut down and tense up.”
Dr. Kate crosses her hands in her lap. “Cassie, tell me more about Connor.”
I pause for a moment. “He was open. Sweet. Caring.”
“Handsome?”
“Yes. Very.”
Dr. Kate nods. “No wonder Ethan chose him to be the focus of his aggression and insecurities. The mammalian brain doesn’t always work logically when it comes to a perceived threat. In Ethan’s mind, Connor had the potential to steal you away. His primitive instincts would have reacted to that.”
“So that’s why he turned into such a caveman every time Connor was around?”
“Sadly, yes.”
I clasp my hands together and squeeze. “Unbelievable.”
Dr. Kate pauses. “How’s your anxiety?”
“Getting up there.”
“So his jealousy upset you?”
I sigh. “At first I found it attractive that he was so possessive. But then . . .”
“It got worse?”
“Yes. When we got back together, he really did try to not let on just how bad it was.”
“Did he succeed?”
“Up to a point.”
“Which point?”
Sweat breaks out on my forehead. “Graduate Showcase. Senior year.”
Erika opens the large file on her desk and hands out stacks of paper.
“Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, the Senior Showcase is only a
couple of months away, and these are your assigned scenes. If you haven’t already submitted which monologues you’d like to perform, please do so ASAP. Remember, this showcase will be viewed by producers, agents, sponsors, and important industry professionals. Make it count.”
I nibble at my thumbnail. The Senior Showcase scares the crap out of me. If you do well, you can fast-forward straight into a professional career. If you don’t, you need to wade into the world of endless cattle calls and auditions. The pressure to be good is kind of ridiculous.
“Did you hear about what happened last year?” Miranda whispers. “Nearly half the class got offered contracts for shows all over the place.”
“Like where?” I whisper back.
“L.A., Toronto, London, Europe, San Francisco . . . even Broadway. Shit’s serious, man.”
As if I wasn’t nervous enough.
I’m just about to demolish my other thumbnail when Ethan grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine. “Quit it. I like you with fingernails.”
“I’m freaking out.”
“I know. Stop. It’s infectious.”
“Do you think we’ll get a scene together?”
“We’d better. I’m never as good as when I’m onstage with you.” He squeezes my hand, and smiles.
God, I love him. Still haven’t told him that, of course. Still waiting for the right moment.
Erika gives us our scene allocations and says, “Now, I’ve thought long and hard about these groups and pairings. I’ve tried to give you all scenes in which you’re working to your strengths, but I also need you to show your range. Therefore, some of the scenes you’ll have performed before, but some will be new. You’ll all perform three scenes and two monologues. One of your monologues must be Shakespeare.”
I look down the list. Ethan and I will be doing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Thank God. Something I know I’m going to nail. Ethan and Connor will be performing their scene from Enemy Inside. No surprise there. They were excellent.
It’s interesting to see that Ethan is paired with Jack for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. I’ve never really seen Ethan do comedy. I’m excited for him.
My other two scenes are new: Jean Genet’s The Maids, with Zoe and Phoebe, and something called Portrait, with Connor.
The scripts for all the excerpts are paper-clipped to the rehearsal schedule. I’m already familiar with The Maids, so I flip through Portrait to see what it’s about.
I only get two pages in before stopping short.
Oh, God. No.
Ethan is going to lose his shit.
Dr. Kate takes off her glasses. “I take it the play had some controversial content.”
If I weren’t so tense, I’d laugh. “You could say that. But I think if I’d been paired with anyone but Connor, Ethan wouldn’t have cared so much.”
“His reaction was extreme?”
A chill runs up my spine. “Actually, no. It wasn’t the reaction I’d expected at all.”
He’s quiet. And still. The thought of him ranting and raging was bad enough. This is so much worse.
“Please say something.”
He blinks.
The energy in the room is beyond tense. I want to touch him, but I have no idea how he’ll react.
“Ethan, it’s no big deal.”
He frowns and nods.
“I mean, Erika said she wouldn’t make me do it, but it’s what the script calls for, and I don’t want the producers or directors to think I’m a prude. I mean, it’s not like everyone is going to see them. My back is to the audience for most of it. The only person who can really see them is just Connor.”
He laughs, short and bitter. “Just Connor.”
“I can wear pasties.”
“What the fuck are pasties?”
“Sticker things that cover my nipples.”
He laughs again. “Oh, well, that’s okay then.”
I drop my head. I almost want him to yell. That would be easier to deal with than this quiet, sarcastic fury.
“Ethan—”
“No, you’re right, Cassie,” he says and holds up his hands. “It’s no big deal. My girlfriend is going to be topless in front of hundreds of people, but the only person who’ll get a good look at her boobs is the one guy who’s probably been beating off to images of her since the first day they met. No big deal. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“You don’t. So he sees my boobs. So what? You’re shirtless with him in your scene too. Hell, he kisses your damn chest.”
“You sound jealous.”
“I am jealous. I hate seeing you do that sort of stuff with another person. Even Connor. But I know it doesn’t mean anything.”
“That’s because Connor and I hate each other! Him ogling you is completely different. You don’t hate him, and he sure as shit doesn’t hate you.”
I sit down next to him. I don’t know what to say to make it better.
He sighs and rubs his face. “Can I at least see the script?”
I hand it to him and watch his face as he skims through it. I know there’s stuff in it he won’t like, but forewarned is forearmed, right?
He gets about halfway through when his frown reaches epic proportions.
He points to the stage directions. “Marla removes her shirt and bra. Christian sketches her, while glancing up with obvious lust. ‘The more I stared, the more beautiful she became. The more I reminded myself that she was married, the less it mattered. She was more than my model. She was my muse.’ He walks over to her. She’s unresponsive as he touches her body. ‘The longer I painted her, the more realistic my fantasies became. Every stroke of my brush made my fingers tingle like they were caressing her.’ He runs his fingers up her side then cups her breasts.”
Ethan shakes his head and takes a deep breath before continuing. “‘Of course, the Marla in my mind wanted me just as much. She did things to me, too.’ She stands. ‘Wonderful things.’ She unbuttons his shirt and caresses his chest. ‘Things that real-Marla would never do.’ She kneels in front of him. The lights dim as she unfastens his pants and begins to pleasure him orally. ‘If only she’d do these wonderful fantasy things. Betray her husband. Let me love her. I could give her so much. A world of beauty, and pleasure, and magnificent art. Everything.’ Lights flash suddenly as he orgasms, then go to black.”
He closes the script and drops his head. “Fuck me.” He’s not angry anymore. Just . . . resigned.
I want so badly to reassure him, but I know that if the situation was reversed, there isn’t much anyone could say to make me feel better. Instead I kiss his cheek, his brows, his forehead, then his lips. He pulls me into his lap and hugs me, and when our chests press together I can feel the too-fast rhythm of fear in his heartbeat.
“Do you want me to tell Erika I can’t do it?” I ask as I stroke his hair.
He squeezes me tighter and presses his forehead against my shoulder. “No. The script is amazing. It’s a great role for you. Awesome role for Connor as well. That’s why Erika chose it. I just . . . I hate thinking of him touching you. Jesus, watching you pretend to blow him is probably going to kill me.”
He leans back and closes his eyes. When I touch his face, it’s hot. I can see he’s trying to defuse his emotions, but it’s not something that’s easily done.
“I wish Erika had cast you instead of Connor.”
He opens his eyes and runs his fingertips over my lips. “Me, too.”
That night, when we make love, he’s different. Rougher. Like he’s trying to fuck the thought of Connor and me out of his brain. Afterward, he doesn’t talk. Just holds me.
The next morning he seems calmer about it all, but I see the haunted look in his eyes. He looks like someone who’s foreseen a terrible tragedy and doesn’t know how to stop it.
I ta
ke in a shaky breath.
“Cassie . . .” Dr. Kate’s voice is quiet. “It’s natural for you to get emotional about these memories. That’s the purpose of these sessions. To expose the triggers for your anger and try to confront them. Letting the emotion out so we can deal with it is part of the process.”
“I just don’t see how he could have ruined us twice. Once I could have almost forgiven, but the second time? Why did he even bother trying again, if he knew he couldn’t do it?”
She gives me a sympathetic nod. “Even the best motivations can be tarnished by hurtful outcomes. Have you ever heard the term ‘unresolved abandonment?’”
I shake my head.
“It manifests in different people in different ways, but is usually self-destructive. For those who suffer from it, it’s frustrating, because they recognize the patterns of fear, anger, and self-sabotage but feel powerless to change them. Sound familiar?”
I nod. “Yes.” Not just regarding Ethan, either. I’ve been feeling that way for years.
“Some try to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, or gambling.”
Ethan used to drink heavily. I lost myself in meaningless sex.
Dr. Kate sits forward a little. “People in these types of cycles think that if they change how they react outwardly, their inner processes might follow suit.”
“Like wearing a mask,” I say quietly.
“Yes. Exactly like wearing a mask.”
I clench my jaw against rising emotion. “Ethan failed our mask assessment. He had to do extra credit to make up for it.”
She pauses. “How successful was he in masking his emotions with you?”
“When I first started working with Connor, Ethan tried to be cool about it. In fact, I think I was more uptight than he was.”
“Why do you think that was?”
“Because . . .” I pick at my fingernails and answer in a near-whisper. “I didn’t want to give him an excuse to break up with me again.”
I don’t look at Dr. Kate, but I can feel her staring at me.
“Cassie, your behavior is nothing to be ashamed of. You were scared of being hurt again. Clearly, Ethan wasn’t the only one affected by abandonment. You’re here because you’re still being affected by it.”
