by Jenika Snow
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
He put the bike back and turned toward her.
“I cause trouble everywhere I go.” She chuckled, but it was forced, tense.
“No, you don’t. Who is saying shit like that to you?”
“No one.”
“Anyone says something like that, you come to me—I’ll fucking handle them.”
She nodded but didn’t run away, which was a little victory. “I wanted to thank you for the other night, two weeks ago.”
“Why?”
“You helped me.”
“Honey, the doctor helped you.”
“You didn’t give up. I know I’m not the best person that I want to be, but thank you.”
Wow, this had to be the first time Hannah had come to him. “You’re welcome.”
He noticed her hands were shaking.
“You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”
She nodded. “I know that. I’m not afraid of you, though.”
“If you’re not comfortable talking to me, I understand.”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. “Even though I’m nervous, and all I want to do is run, I trust you. I believe that you’ll keep me safe. I want to break this fear, and I want to do that for you.”
Surprise took over. She wanted to do that for him? She needed to do it for herself too, though. Nerd nodded. “How is school?”
“It’s fine. Boring in places, I hate science. It’s not fun at all. Math is tricky but I doubt anything that was easy they wouldn’t make you learn it.” She smiled. “It’s helped me, though, being around others. It’s kept my mind off things.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Damn, he wanted to pull her in close. “So, school is boring.”
“I like English. It’s nice to read, but I prefer to read other books than the ones that I’m supposed to. They’re all boring.”
He chuckled. “You sound like a lot of kids.”
“I wish I was like a lot of them.”
Her response sobered him up. “I’m really sorry I didn’t get to you in time.”
A moment of silence passed.
“It doesn’t matter. You got to me.” She smiled at him, but once again it didn’t reach her eyes.
“How are things working out with your therapist?”
“She wants me to talk about my feelings all the time, which I find hard to do. It’s not easy to tell a random stranger stuff you don’t want to remember yourself.” She tucked some hair behind her ear.
It was the little details about her that stuck with Nerd. He just wanted to save and to protect her.
“No, I don’t imagine it is.”
“But everyone seems to think it’s easy. I should just tell this woman. I don’t know her.”
“She’s a good therapist and has worked with Amy.”
Hannah nodded. “Not everyone needs to talk about what went wrong in their lives. Maybe I’m one of them.”
Nerd stared at her, seeing the conflicting pain reflected back at him. She was hurting so deep, and it scared her.
“Hannah, you’ve got to find what makes you happy. The life you’ve been part of, that’s not going to hurt you anymore. The club, we’ve got your back. We’re going to protect you. You don’t have to worry about talking to someone to make us feel better. Do what you need to in order to put a smile on that pretty face. You deserve it.”
Chapter 4
All Hannah had been able to think about for the rest of the week was her conversation with Nerd. She pictured him in her head, his huge body seeming dangerous, but where it concerned her all he’d shown her was how gentle and kind he was.
Looking up at the front of the classroom she could see the professor’s mouth moving but couldn’t hear the words being said. Hannah was just too lost in everything to focus.
Finally, the class ended and she gathered her items before leaving class. The campus she was on was a small community college in town, and although there wasn’t anything she wanted to be when she “grew up,” she did admit coming to these couple of classes every week helped her feel more confident about herself. It also helped that she was speaking with a therapist, albeit she felt uncomfortable hashing up everything that happened in order to “heal.”
She left the campus, and waiting for her in the parking lot was Amy. With Hannah not having a car or even a license, she had to rely on others to help her through this new journey, but all the old ladies and even the whole club were so kind to her. They were so nice it almost felt as if Hannah didn’t deserve it, not with the stupid choices she made in life and the fact her self-esteem was shit.
She smiled as she got into the car.
“How was school?” Amy asked and started to pull away from the building.
“It was okay.” Hannah didn’t say anything about the fact she couldn’t focus because Nerd had been on her mind all day.
“You okay with going to therapy today?”
Amy asked her every time they were on their way. At first it had been awkward, thinking about talking about the things that had happened, but she was growing more comfortable with it all and she felt as though she was making progress.
“Gregory is really great,” Amy said of her own therapist, the one she still saw for her own issues. Amy had talked about what had happened to her, and how Joker had been there for her. That was how Hannah felt about Nerd, but she was too afraid to say anything, too afraid of how it made her feel, even.
“Jamie has been really helping me, I think. She takes her time and doesn’t force me to move in the conversation.” But she thought about Jamie, and how Hannah didn’t really feel comfortable fully divulging everything. True, speaking about her issues even to a stranger felt as if it helped, but there was this tightness in her skin that had her not revealing all of her secrets.
Amy nodded, her focus still on the road. “That practice is fantastic. What I’ve seen, at least. I’ve never had a session with Jamie, but I’ve spoken to her in passing when I’m waiting to see Gregory and she seems nice enough.”
They drove the next twenty minutes in silence with only the soft sound of the radio playing in the background. Amy pulled into a parking spot in front of the modern-looking building and cut the engine. They got out of the car and headed inside, and after signing in they had a seat in the waiting area.
Hannah started bouncing her knee as she stared out the frosted glass window. She couldn’t see anything, but the light coming through cast this oddly-shaped shadow along the wall.
“Hannah?” Jamie’s voice came through, and Hannah turned and faced the woman. She was smiling, her reddish hair in a loose knot atop her head and her bright blue eyes piercing. “I’m ready if you want to come back.”
Amy gave her a pat on the leg, and then Hannah stood and followed Jamie. Once in the room with the door shut, Hannah took her usual seat across from Jamie. The therapist started jotting some notes down, and Hannah tried to clam herself. She was comfortable with Jamie, or at least getting there, but she was nervous about moving forward with her sessions and where the conversation would go. It would force her to speak about the shit that happened, and although she thought about it, hell, dreamed about it constantly, saying it out loud would make it so much more real.
“How are you today, Hannah?” Jamie asked, smiling genuinely at her.
Hannah smiled in return, and it didn’t feel forced but sincere. “I’m doing good. Still struggling with the dreams and the self-confidence issues.”
Jamie nodded. “I know, and that will take time, of course. But you’re making good progress. Healing isn’t an instant fix, but is something that take steps and understanding in order to life with it.”
Hannah nodded. “But I’ve been thinking a lot about Nerd.” Hannah had briefly mentioned the biker to Jamie one session and how good he’d been to her.
“The motorcycle club man that saved you?”
“Yes.” Jamie rubbed her hands on her legs. Hannah st
ared at the woman, her guard still up, that wall to protect herself in place.
“What kind of things have you been thinking?”
She stared at her hands in her lap. “I can’t really explain it, I guess. It’s hard, because a part of me wonders if it’s attraction I feel.” She glanced at Jamie, embarrassed by the admission because it’s the first time she’d said it to anyone.
“Hannah, you don’t have to be ashamed of how you feel. Nerd helped you, is still helping you, through a very difficult time. It’s only natural for us as humans to latch on and grow connected to something or someone that makes us feel safe.”
“It’s hard to be this damaged and want something you know you’ll never have.”
“You’re not damaged, Hannah, and you’re not broken. You can be healed, and that’s what we’re going to work on. It’ll take time, but never feel like you can’t have a meaningful life after your trauma.”
She nodded, knowing Jamie spoke the truth, but also realizing it would take time to fully believe that. She wanted Nerd, wanted to be with him, tell him what she felt, but Hannah was afraid.
“How about for some homework we have you talk to Nerd, tell him a little bit about what you’re feeling? Baby steps, okay?”
Hannah nodded, hoping she was strong enough to move past all of this.
Chapter 5
Later that night, Nerd sat on the sofa, flicking through the channels for something to watch. Nothing appealed to him, and out of the corner of his eye, he watched Hannah. She’d come back from therapy a little different. Amy didn’t seem overly concerned, and no one else had noticed the way Hannah was fidgeting, looking nervous.
“Anything happen today?” he asked, looking toward Amy. Joker was out doing a job for Zeke and whenever he was away, Amy always stayed at the club.
“No. Everything was fine. She saw Jamie and when she came out, she seemed happy, why?”
They were both whispering so Hannah wasn’t aware they were talking about her.
“I don’t know. She seems quieter than usual.”
“Therapists offer up advice and sometimes give direction on where to focus your energy. She may be focusing on what Jamie has asked of her. You could ask her?” Amy smiled at him. “It’s nice that you care.”
“Of course I care.”
“It’s a little more than that. She really matters to you. You remind me a little of Joker. He was very nervous and possessive of me. To this day he doesn’t like that I go to therapy, but he sees that I need it. It has helped me be a better woman for him.”
“You’re a good woman in your heart, Amy. All you’ve done is learned to be patient with that jackass husband of yours.”
Amy chuckled. “I’m going to tell him.”
“I expect you to.” He winked at her and continued flicking through the channels, settling on a horror movie that was so fucking lame. When advertisements started to play within twenty minutes, he left to grab himself a beer, passing Hannah’s table as he went. Nerd paused, and Hannah looked up. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How was college today?”
“Slow, a little boring. I’ve got several assignments that need to be completed which suck, but I’ve got nothing else to do for the rest of the weekend. What about you?”
“I didn’t go to college today, sweetheart.”
She chuckled. “No, I meant what do you have planned for the rest of the weekend?”
“I’ve got some errands to run, probably stick around the clubhouse, do some DIY. Place could use a fresh paint job.” He looked around the clubhouse at some of the paint peeling off the walls.
Usually the guys would take a long weekend to clean the place up, but they’d been slacking off with their shit just lately. With how warm it was, it was the perfect time to get the job done.
“That sounds like fun.”
“Get back to your work.” He knocked on the table and made his way toward the sofa. Sipping on his beer, he watched one horror movie and then the next one. Several of the club guys moved around him, some staying for a few minutes. Skulls stayed the longest, chatting about the special effects and shit.
“How can you watch this?” Skulls asked.
“You’re just a big pussy. Can’t stand to be scared.”
Skulls shook his head.
Hannah was still working on whatever assignment she had going on. “You know she keeps on looking over at you. I think she wants to talk.”
“Why don’t you fuck off and give her the space to talk?”
“Okay, okay, fine.” Skulls shook his head and left. Hannah stayed in her seat, not moving, and Nerd sipped at his beer, waiting.
He was a patient guy, and he’d gladly wait until she was ready. There was a particularly hot scene with a couple fucking on screen, and Nerd couldn’t help but wonder if she was turned on by what she saw. He didn’t expect anything from her. She was still dealing with her issues, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have desires.
“I’m finished,” Hannah said.
Looking up, he saw her cheeks were flushed and she was smiling. “Great, you want to stay, relax, and watch a movie?”
“Okay, sure.”
She took a seat beside him, and Nerd noticed that she sat really close to him. Usually there was at least another person’s distance between them. This time, she was so close, her body brushed the side of his. To get comfortable, Nerd had no choice but to put his arm across the back of the sofa.
“I had a good day in therapy today.”
“That’s good.”
“She doesn’t allow me to shy away from challenges.”
“She gives you challenges?”
“Like homework. She gives me a suggestion of what she thinks could help me progress and if I do it, I must tell her all about it, how I felt and things like that.”
“Okay.” Nerd frowned. This was the most that she’d ever spoken of her therapy. “What kind of challenges has she given you?”
“The first one was talking with Deanna and finding the strength to talk to the women. Nothing big, just little things, asking how they were or just saying hey.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes. Amy seemed to understand what I was doing, and she’s been a big help. But,” she looked at him, “I don’t know. I feel weird talking to her, to be honest. I feel like something is blocking me from really wanting to open up to her.”
Nerd tensed, not liking the sound of that. “Is it hard to talk to me?”
“No. I find when it comes to you, I can talk to you and I don’t have these crazy attacks. You’re the only one I can talk to. I told Jamie about that, and she said it was because you saved me. You make me feel safe, and she advised that if I do feel like that, then I’m to try to seek you out to help me deal with the panic attack I’m having. It’s a compliment. At least, I hope it’s a compliment. I don’t want to upset you.”
Nerd smiled. “You’re not upsetting me. Far from it. If you need me to feel safe, then I’m happy to be here to help you feel safe.” He gripped her shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze, offering her reassurance. “What is your challenge now?” he asked.
“It’s about you,” she said.
“It is? Wow, what is it?”
Hannah turned toward him, and he noticed her face was a deep red. Was she embarrassed? Upset? He wasn’t sure what was going on, only that he didn’t like the thought of her feeling anything but safe.
“It’s something important, and I don’t know what to say or what to do.”
“Hannah, this therapist can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.”
“I do though. I do want to do this.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.
What the fuck was the therapist doing?
Chapter 6
She was doing this, actually kissing Nerd … and it felt incredible. He was motionless, not kissing her back, but she had to assume he was probably confused as hell as to what she was doing. Finally pulling away—alt
hough it had felt like minutes, she knew she’d only been kissing him for seconds—Hannah looked up at his face. Her cheeks still felt as though it was on fire, but this weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
“I like you, Nerd.” She looked down at the ground, feeling all kinds of embarrassed. When she felt his fingers under her chin, lifting her head up so she had to look at him, strength moved through her. “You make me feel safe, make me happy, and when I’m with you I don’t feel like anything bad can happen.”
“Baby, I promise you I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
She knew that, believed every word he said. Nerd made her feel as if there were possibilities out there. Hell, look at her now. She was in school, and although she was dealing with shit that may or may not ever go away, she was still dealing with it. Telling Nerd how she felt and kissing him, albeit it was only a peck, made her feel stronger. She could do anything, and that made her happy.
This was the first step in making herself whole, and it felt incredible.
Nerd needed to remind himself to go slow, but she was a fragile woman, and she needed time. But there was a part of him that just wanted to ravish her, to let her know she was his and nothing would change that.
He stroked her cheek, looked at the gentle slope of her lips, the way they were redder because of the kiss. He was shocked she’d been bold enough to kiss him, but he was so fucking happy she had. For a long time he’d been waiting, not sure if she’d ever been ready for him to tell her, show her how he felt. And even though a kiss didn’t mean she wanted to be his old lady, the fact she was telling him all of this stuff now made him feel so fucking happy.
“I’m proud of you,” he said softly.
She smiled. “Why?”
“You’re making progress and taking one day at a time.”
