by Ann Aguirre
“What do you think the abbot will say? Will he take the order and withdraw?”
“I hope not. We need their support. But I can’t keep pretending that I haven’t changed. Feigning piety is worse than forsaking my vows.”
“That’s…a harsh way to put it,” she said.
“It’s the truth, kit. I’m not simply changing my life path. When I pledged to the order, it was for life. But don’t think I do this lightly. You should know damn well how much I’ve struggled.”
“You’re not doing this just because we kissed, right? I won’t tell anyone. Surely you can do penance or whatever—”
“I guess you didn’t hear me properly. That’s not the life I choose, kit. You were right when you said I had to come to you freely.”
With that, Callum swung her up in his arms and settled into the chair where they’d cuddled before. The feeling had more layers now, more hooks and ties to bind him closer, as if the quick, soft rush of her breathing also filled him with air. Joss snuggled into his lap without resistance, and she tucked her head against his shoulder in a gesture so natural that he had no idea how he’d lived without this before.
“Would it be better if you don’t tell him right away? Everything is a mess right now, and I—”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be judicious in picking the moment, but I won’t have you feeling like you need to be ashamed either.”
“The brothers will think I’m a complete vixen,” she muttered.
“That’s true enough. Only a complete vixen would tag along to a battlefield. You nearly scared me to death, kit. I’ve made peace with the prospect of dying for Burnt Amber, but when I realized I might take you with me…” Callum shook his head and shuddered, rubbing his bearded jaw against the top of her head. This woman was so impulsive. “Promise me you won’t do that again.”
“Do what?”
“Take such a risk.”
“Sorry, I can’t promise. If you need me, I’ll be there. No matter what.”
When she put it that way, he couldn’t even chastise her. Not when she was the reason he’d evaded that Gol trap. “I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I’m pretty sure we’d lose the war if you weren’t here.”
That was plain candor. Though he had been skeptical at Daruvar, her nightly performances had boosted the men’s morale considerably. It was like they were all fighting smarter and harder to protect the beautiful cat who had unexpectedly arrived amid a bunch of surly bears. And now, she’d taken to the field, quietly saving his ass when his own common sense failed. He still craved her like the most powerful drug, but the initial rush had faded, leaving exhaustion and tenderness in its wake.
Just then, Joss let out a ridiculous yawn, and she was so fucking adorable with her face scrunched up, mouth wide open. “I need to sleep. This will keep?”
“You read my mind.”
Callum rose in an easy motion and set her on her feet, but she surprised him by tugging him toward the bedroom. “It’s not forbidden anymore, right? I mean, technically it is because you haven’t talked to the abbot, but you’ve chosen me.”
“That I have.”
“What I want right now, more than anything, is to curl up in your arms and get some rest.”
Gods, how could she get sweeter? If she kept saying such things, he might die of it. Some cautious, fearful part of his mind whispered that it was always good in the beginning, but that soon enough, she’d run from his obsessive tendencies. With effort, he silenced the doom-calling prophet that lived in his head.
“Let’s wash up as best we can and do exactly that,” he said softly.
“You’re willing?” Her delight was heady, more powerful than mead or wine.
“Ah, kit. We’ve barely scratched the surface of what I’m willing to do for you.”
16.
Joss kept thinking she would wake from this dream.
She’d yawn and stretch and when she opened her eyes, Callum would be gone. All those lovely things he’d said would evaporate like mist on a sunny morning. Only he was still in her bed when she came out of the half-bath. He’d washed up first and he took up most of the space on the mattress, not that she was complaining. None of this seemed entirely real, too much like wish fulfillment.
It was past three in the morning, so they didn’t have too much time to sleep yet she intended to hoard these moments in case something went wrong and the order took him away from her. She ran to the bed, strangling a small, gleeful sound when he pulled back the covers. He wasn’t wearing much, just his underwear, and surprise trilled through her. On some level, she expected him to keep being distant and difficult. Joss stole little glances in a secret, visual feast, taking him in as much as she could before he flicked off the light.
“That’s enough,” he said in a teasing tone. “You’ll have more chances to see what’s beneath my clothes.”
“Are you sure?”
“About letting you see me naked? It’s not a conundrum. Come to bed, kit. My arms are empty, and I’ve been waiting for you to fill them for half a lifetime.”
Quickly Joss peeled her shirt off and slid into bed without requiring a second invitation. A pleasant shock went through her when he settled her against him. Gods, but he was big, and when he spooned up behind her, she sighed in pleasure. A reflexive shimmer of arousal coiled through her, but it was mostly an echo of unspent energy. He stroked a calloused hand down her arm.
“I know. But when we take the edge off, we’ll do it properly. Nothing hidden or hasty about it. Promise me something?”
“Anything,” popped out before she could think better of it.
“Don’t get over me. Don’t change your mind about this. Because I’m not sure I could survive the loss.”
Her entire body reacted to those words. “I only said that because I didn’t want to be pathetic, chasing someone who has no intention of being caught.”
“Scant good running did me. No matter where I went, there you were.”
“I’m your destiny,” she said sleepily.
“Gods but I hope so.” His arms tightened on her, and he brushed light kisses against her temples and the top of her head.
So delicious.
As if she had slept with Callum many times before, she drifted off in his arms. When Joss woke, it was late morning, judging by the angle of the sunlight on the floor. And he was still in her bed, sprawled on his back so that she’d crawled half on top of him at some point. Her leg was on top of his, as was half of her upper body. She didn’t move much, just raised her head to study his features in repose.
Normally, he was always moving, scowling, daring the universe to take him on. He looked younger when he was asleep, some of that pugnaciousness smoothed away. His hair was a tangled, delightful mess and she fought the urge to smooth it with her fingers. Since he wasn’t used to being touched, he would likely rouse right away; Joss wasn’t quite ready to let this moment end.
He had rugged features and thick brows, long lashes bleached gold at the tip. His beard, frankly, needed a good trimming but some part of her would grieve over that as well because the wildness suited him. It did overshadow the curve of his mouth and she remembered well the soft scrape of it as they kissed. A little shiver rolled through her at that delicious memory.
Callum opened his eyes, slices of sherry brown that stared back at her in silence. “Planning to smother me in my sleep?”
“Never. I was just sort of…drinking you in.”
He snorted. “As if I’m such a handsome beverage.”
“You are!”
“I know well enough what I am, kit, and that’s not among my qualities.”
“We agree to disagree then.”
“Enough now, stop staring. I need to use the facilities, and you’re making me feel self-conscious about getting up.”
Joss made a teasing show of looking away, but she immediately broke her promise and ogled him as he strolled to the bathroom. Gods, but his back was incredible.
So broad that she could lean her entire body on it, and he would probably never notice the weight. Really, she shouldn’t keep admiring when he’d asked her not to, but damn. That ass, a bubble like no other. It took all her self-restraint to keep from running after him and biting it.
Ten minutes later, he came out with a wet beard, his hair damp as well, and he looked perfect in that dishevelment. Joss imagined sharing a bath in the private tub at the bathhouse, and she tried to rein in her riotous imagination. He doesn’t have time for that. One day, though. When the war is over. She didn’t let herself focus on the possibility that he’d crumbled to temptation under duress, and that when the stress finally stopped, he’d survey the wreckage of his old life and identify her as the bomb that did all the damage.
“I should go.”
She nodded, unable to look at him for the doubt trickling in. “See you later.”
He crossed to her in two long strides and tipped her chin up. “What’s wrong?”
“I guess…I’m not sure of us yet. When you leave—”
“I’m still yours. Just give me some time. I’ll talk to the abbot as soon as possible, but there’s a process, formal steps to be taken and I don’t want us to start out with the shadow of scandal. Will you wait for me?”
Hearing that eased her heart a bit. “Of course. Neither of you have the leisure to take care of…” What would this even be called?
“Laicization,” he supplied. “That’s the term for removing me as a monk.”
“I didn’t know.”
“Why would you?” Bending, he kissed her forehead, and she closed her eyes to savor the pleasure. “I’m off then.”
Joss let him get as far as the door but before he could open it, she raced after him and hugged him hard from behind, resting her cheek against his broad back. “I can’t do this out there. Only in here. So let me take my fill before you go.”
“Such a fierce hunger,” he teased.
“You have no idea.”
Gently Callum pulled her hands free and turned to complete the embrace. A shuddering sigh slid out of her because she still couldn’t get used to him permitting this, easily, openly. Big hands stroked her back in soothing sweeps, and when Joss raised her face to say she was fine now, he kissed her. The same heat from the day before filled her, a luminous energy unspooling between them. He didn’t try to conceal his reaction anymore, let her feel the swelling of his cock as their tongues teased. The kiss bloomed into brightness that left her panting and shivering when he pulled back.
“I feel it too. And I’d much rather stay with you, but right now—”
“We can’t.”
Callum groaned as she stepped away, as if losing contact with her hurt him physically. “Gods, kit. I thought it was tough when I only dreamt of you in my bed.”
She started, heat rising in her cheeks. “Wait, you had a sex dream about me? I wonder if it was as hot as the one I had about you.”
In a wicked whisper, she started detailing exactly how the dream went, what they did together, and how good it felt. She knew it was a bit evil to get him worked up before he left, but it was having the same effect on her too, saying these dirty things in daylight when he was trying to go be upright and dutiful. What was more, monks were waiting for him to lead them. Somehow that only made this hotter.
There’s something deeply wrong with me.
Eyes narrowed, he took a step toward her as if he was about to lose control and carry her back to bed. “If you say even one more word, I may not be able to leave.”
Joss laughed. “Like that’s an incentive to make me behave.”
For a moment, Callum only registered intense lust, but as his brain engaged, he realized she wasn’t simply recounting a sexual fantasy, but his, down to every detail. “When was this?” he demanded.
She paused, probably to think, then she specified the same night. He closed his eyes briefly. He’d heard of mates who could communicate without words, but this was well before he’d made up his mind, more proof that he’d chosen the correct path. Joss was meant to be mine.
“I don’t know who started it,” he said then, “but we shared it.”
“What are you—oh. Oh.” An adorable flush swept her cheeks. “I see.”
“Enough of your deviltry.” This time, he didn’t let her stop him and rushed into the hallway without pausing to check for potential witnesses.
Renna was some distance down the hall but she headed into the stairwell without looking back. For some reason, that gave him a little prickle of unease. It wasn’t like he could imagine the woman eavesdropping, but come to think of it, he had been noticing her in the vicinity quite often lately. He hoped she didn’t expect him to finish what Beren had started.
Frowning, Callum closed the door behind him and headed for the stairs, only he went up to collect his bath supplies. While he didn’t plan on keeping his relationship with Joss a secret for much longer, he didn’t need a scandal before he consulted with the abbot. His luck didn’t hold; he ran into Andar on the way, and he could tell by the way his brow furrowed that he knew.
“No wonder I couldn’t find you last night. You were with your lover.” It was a neutral word that still somehow felt like an accusation.
Hell. Nothing but the truth would serve. “Things have changed. No surprise, the whole damn world is on fire.”
“So you thought you’d burn as well.”
“Andar.”
The smaller man folded his arms. “This pertains to your immortal soul. Do you recollect what the tenets say about the eternal torture that awaits brothers forsworn?”
“I do, and I don’t give a damn.”
“You left that world because it broke your heart. The order saved you.”
Those were Callum’s thoughts, spoken in Andar’s voice. Everything he said was true, but those truths had no traction anymore. Not since a wildcat proved that she cared more about his life than her own. He couldn’t stand against such devotion when every fiber of him yearned for her in return. To touch her, learn the lines of her body, and breathe in the scent of raspberries when he woke in the middle of the night.
Callum didn’t know if Andar could understand, but he tried. “Sometimes paths diverge, and you could never see it coming yet once you’ve chosen the road, you know it’s right. That’s where I am, brother. I won’t always be a member of the order, but I will always be your friend.”
“Lot of good that does me. Who will I play cards with now?”
“There’s always Jorval. He has no head for gambling. You’ll earn your weight in matchsticks.” They’d never gambled for coin, reasoning that made the small infraction more permissible. Truth was, the long winter made for some boring nights at the monastery. “Does that mean I have your support?”
“Always,” Andar said unexpectedly.
“You were testing me?”
“Of course. If you’d hesitated, I would’ve urged you to reconsider, but you even tried to explain. Normally you’d just scowl and tell me to sod off. This relationship is already changing you for the better.”
Since he was well known for his bad temper, Callum grimaced. “That’s enough.”
“Will you speak to the abbot soon? I won’t be party to—”
“What do you take me for?”
“A man who’s easily seduced, apparently.”
He glared for a second, couldn’t hold the expression and it melted into what he suspected must be a ridiculous grin. “If you think it was easy, you’ve no notion how hard she tried.”
“You’re saying she chased you.” Andar tried to look stern, but suddenly he was grinning too, as if Callum’s mood was infectious.
Funny as this might be, it wasn’t fair to Joss. “In all honesty, it’s complicated.”
“Such matters usually are.”
That was such an encouraging tone that he kept talking. “We resisted each other for so long, but when she said she’d get over me, I almost lost my mind. Letting someone else have her
? No. The mere prospect makes me feel…violent.”
“You’ve already formed a mate bond,” Andar breathed, seeming to realize how deep Callum had fallen for the first time.
“It just…happened. She tried so hard to be my friend, but with a woman like her, it was impossible for me not to want more.”
“Greedy shit.”
“I always was,” he admitted without shame. “Watch that language, brother. The abbot will assign penance if he hears.”
“You should stop calling me that now.”
A twinge went through him. “Understood.”
“Have that bath, Cal. If I can tell that you’ve been rolling around with the beautiful songstress, others will know as well.”
“Everyone will find out soon enough but it will be better if I control the fallout.”
With a nod, he went inside to wash away a night with Joss. On some level, it stung that he had to do this, and it must feel worse for her. But technically, at least, he was still bound to the order. Those ties couldn’t be cut by him simply declaring he didn’t want to be celibate anymore.
The abbot would likely be furious, especially since he’d marched the order to war to support one of their own. Hell, some died the night before, and the old man was probably saying the rites over their bodies. Callum needed to pay his respects as soon as he finished, because those men died thinking of him as a brother. They’d never know that they perished saving an oath-breaker. While he had spoken truly to Andar, this was the only way forward for him now, breaking these promises still stung. At the time, he had meant to live and die for Saint Casimir.
I can’t do that anymore. I’m sorry.
He soaked and scrubbed, hoping the ablutions would scrape away some of the conflict. It didn’t help, but he came out clean at least. Callum dressed quickly afterward, paying as much attention as he ever did to his appearance: none at all. Jere met him on the walk in front of the security building, and he braced for bad news.
“Finally. I’ve looked for you everywhere. I don’t love this low-tech walking solution, so much easier when I could send messages.”
