“You knew there was a chance. You knew there would always be a chance.”
He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I figured there wouldn’t be if we were cautious enough.”
“Well, that’s foolish,” she snapped, her back going ramrod straight, and her hands balling into fists in her lap.
He said nothing.
“You seem angry,” Thea said.
“I didn’t say—”
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s in your silence. It’s written all over your face. You’re unhappy.” Thea choked over the last word.
Still, he said nothing. Please, she prayed. Prove me wrong. Tell me you want this baby.
Wakefield stood. He took a step toward the door, then turned around, looking lost. There was fear on his face, and Thea wanted to scream. She’d never imagined she would see strong, sure Wakefield this way.
“Are you going to send me back?” Thea asked.
“What?” His eyebrows rose in alarm.
“If you are planning on doing that, Wakefield, please just tell me now.”
“No, of course, I’m not gonna do that. Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you’re upset,” she half shouted. “It’s not your child.”
Thea couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears were coming. She pressed her hand to her mouth to muffle her cries.
“It doesn’t matter to me that it’s not my child.”
She looked up at where he stood towering over the table. “It doesn’t?”
“No.”
Still, his posture was tense. His face unhappy. His eyes wild.
“You wouldn’t want it even if it were yours,” Thea whispered, putting the pieces together.
“I told you I didn’t want children.”
She let out a strangled cry. “What would you have me do?”
“Nothing,” he snapped. “Obviously, you’re having a baby, and that’s all there is to it.”
Thea felt her jaw drop. “You’re treating this baby as if it’s an abomination.”
“It’s...” He grabbed the roots of his hair. “I didn’t say that.”
“What’s wrong, Wakefield? Why don’t you want children?”
“Because I can’t have them.” He turned away, hiding his face. “I can’t.”
Thea sat in a daze. What was he saying? Of course, he could physically have them. So, if that was the case, then did he mean he couldn’t bear to?
“Why?”
“Forget about it,” he said.
She slammed her palm on the table. “I will not. I am your wife. I asked you a question!”
Wakefield stared at her, and in his eyes, she felt she was a stranger. Just as he suddenly was to her. Their period of marital bliss was over. Their darker sides were coming out.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I did not mean to yell.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry, too. For not being what you need.”
The statement was a stab into her heart.
“You have been what I need,” she said. “You take care of me. You love me. Is that different now? Will everything really change because I’m having a baby?”
“I don’t know.”
Thea’s shoulders drew back, and she felt every part of her body tighten. “Well, you need to know. You need to figure out what you want, Wakefield. Either you keep me, or you don’t.”
He hung his head. “I love you, Thea. I didn’t expect this, though, and I don’t know what to do.”
Thea caught her tongue between her teeth. Gone was her powerful husband. In his place stood a scared little boy. She could see the fear wafting about him like a cloud. Something terrified him. If only he would open up and tell her what it was.
“You’re afraid of having children,” she said.
“I can’t talk about this now.” Wakefield started pacing.
“Then when will we talk about it?”
“I don’t know.”
Before she could say anything else, he went out the door.
Thea sat in the middle of the room, the lantern light bouncing on the walls and two cold, untouched dinners resting in front of her. Her limbs had turned to wood; her heart was bleeding. And there was nothing to do but sit there and watch.
Chapter 24
giant step backward
24. Wakefield
Chapter twenty-four
The world pressed in on Wakefield from every side. Everything in existence suffocated him as he stalked through the night.
How long had he been walking for? He didn’t know. After leaving the cabin, he’d rushed up the hill, climbing to the very top of the mountain. Once the road ended, he’d started pacing around in the woods before finally coming to his senses and realizing he could get lost out there.
Now he was back in town. Back in front of Outpost. Crossing the quiet road, he went and sat on the bottom step and dropped his head into his heads.
Thea was pregnant.
How could this be? Of course, he understood the way she came into that state. He wasn’t a total idiot.
Thinking about her last husband—even though Wakefield had never met the man—had his blood boiling. From the way Thea had told it, Jeb had done nothing but bring Thea pain. That agony should have ended with his death, but, ironically, he’d left her with a little parting gift.
Wakefield covered his face with his palms and squeezed his eyes shut. Still, it wasn’t dark enough. He wanted to disappear into the blackness, have it swallow him up till he was so lost he couldn’t return home.
A vile thought. That’s what it was.
Babies were good. Children were good. Just not for him.
A burning wound its way up Wakefield’s chest and into his throat. He needed to be there for Thea, to be her rock. But how could he? The mere mention of having a baby had sent him into a panic.
He’d been foolish to think he could avoid having children if he married. He knew that. But it hadn’t been enough for life to prove him wrong. No, it also had a grand sense of humor and brought him a child in the most unexpected way possible.
Wakefield stood and took a step away from the porch. He paused, fingers curling into his palms. He needed to go home.
But he couldn’t.
Thea would never understand. Not only because he couldn’t find the words, but because she hadn’t lived through what he had.
Cursing, he stomped into the street. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a light flickering in one of the windows above Outpost.
Noah.
Wakefield hesitated only a second before going around the side of the building and walking up the exterior stairs. He knocked on the door there.
Right as he was thinking about turning around and going back down the stairs, Noah opened the door, pulling suspenders onto his shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, eyes wide. He leaned to the side and looked over Wakefield’s shoulder, down the stairs.
“Nothing’s wrong with the saloon,” Wakefield said. “It’s Thea.”
Noah’s face fell. “She all right?”
“She’s having a baby.”
Noah closed his mouth, his jaw tightening. “I suppose you’re the only man who doesn’t want to hear congratulations over that.”
Wakefield didn’t answer.
“Get in here.” Noah waved his hand, ushering Wakefield in.
Upstairs had several rooms, all laid out in a straight line, but Noah had always favored smaller spaces and so only lived in one. Wakefield dropped down on the chair near the front windows, but only lasted for a moment before he was up and pacing around.
“It’s her dead husband’s,” he explained, staring at the floor. “She says she didn’t know about it until after she got here.”
“That makes sense.”
Wakefield looked up. Noah had settled back into the other chair. He tilted it onto its back legs, his feet propped up on the windowsill.
“Wish I could be as relaxed as you,” Wakefield said.
He e
xpected Noah to laugh, but he only set the chair down and sighed. “What happened? After Thea told you she’s having a baby?”
“I… left.” He crossed his arms, feeling defensive. “I needed time alone to think.”
“And what are you thinking?”
Wakefield pushed the heels of his palms against his brows. “Tarnations, I don’t know. I’m thinking nothing. I’m only… shocked.”
“How is she feeling about all this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm.” Noah laced his fingers behind his neck, looking thoughtful.
“You don’t have to tell me what an awful husband I am. I already know.”
“I wasn’t goin’ say that.” Noah raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know nothing about being married. You didn’t come here for marriage advice, did you?”
“Course not.” Wakefield sat at the foot of Noah’s bed, where he bent over his knees. “I came here because there’s nowhere else to go in this town.”
“True, the saloon is closed.”
Wakefield smirked, surprising himself. Sitting up straight, he caught sight of the open whiskey bottle on the wardrobe. His mouth watered, and his fingers itched.
Noah followed his line of sight. “Not tonight,” he said. “If you’re gonna break, don’t let it be tonight.”
“Why wouldn’t it be tonight?” Wakefield shot back. “One of the worst nights of my life?”
“Or one of the best.” Noah shook his head. “There are other ways to look at his, Wakefield. You’re having a kid. Someone to take fishing. A little one to play games with. Plus, gals love kids. It’ll make Thea real happy.”
Thea.
Wakefield had thought his heart couldn’t bleed anymore, but he’d been wrong. He hadn’t planned on putting her through all this pain. Sure, he had demons, but he’d figured he would be able to keep them all locked away.
“With the way I am,” Wakefield muttered, “she might up and leave.”
“Is that what you want? You want her to take the baby and go?” Noah gave him a hard look, and Wakefield realized he was serious. He really thought Wakefield wanted Thea and the baby gone.
…But did he?
A guttural cry left Wakefield’s throat, and he jumped to standing. “I should have never brought her out here. What was I thinking? M, married again?”
He raised his hand, ready to punch the wall, and stopped himself in the nick of time.
“I need a drink,” he said.
“No, you don’t.” Noah stood up, grabbed the whiskey bottom from the wardrobe, and put it in the next room. He came back and stood in the doorway. “I know you don’t mean that.”
Wakefield blew out a harsh breath. “Course I don’t.”
“Look...” Noah hesitated.
“What?”
“I know moving on can be hard. Anna left you with a lot to handle.”
Wakefield’s gut tightened at the name. “And?”
Noah made a pained face. “Don’t let the past weigh you down. That’s all I’m saying.”
Wakefield pressed his fist against his mouth. “You make it sound so easy, Noah. You’re young. You don’t know—”
“Don’t do that again. Don’t give me that old patronizing speech. Not now.”
Wakefield ruefully laughed. “What do you expect me to do? I’ve done all a man can. I moved physically. I moved on. I’ve forgotten about her and everything that happened.”
Noah folded his arms across his chest. “Have you?”
“Yes,” Wakefield answered a bit too forcefully.
“If you’d moved on, Thea having a baby wouldn’t cause you so much alarm.”
The truth hit hard, making Wakefield’s bones shake. He inhaled long, thinking fresh air might dampen the pain. It didn’t, though.
“I need to...” Wakefield couldn’t finish the sentence because he didn’t know what he needed to do.
He crossed the room, heading for the stairs, but Noah deftly stepped in front of him, blocking the way out.
“Hey now.” Noah rested his hand on Wakefield’s shoulder. “You gonna be all right?”
“I’ll be fine,” Wakefield said, not making eye contact. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Noah’s lips drew into a tight line, but he stepped to the side, allowing Wakefield to leave.
Down the stairs Wakefield stomped, a roaring filling his head. He knew he could always go to Noah, but Wakefield was a heavy weight sometimes.. He was beyond help. Various people—Noah included—had tried to give him a hand throughout the years. Sometimes their goodwill worked, but sometimes Wakefield ended up not going forward at all, but taking a giant step backward instead.
He already knew tonight would be one of those nights.
Chapter 25
worse than those words
25. Thea
Chapter twenty-five
Thea kept her eyes closed as long as she could. She didn’t want to open them only to roll over and find the other side of the bed empty.
She stayed as she was, resting on her side and squeezing her fists under her chin. Wakefield had not come home after supper, the plate she’d set aside for him left to grow colder and colder.
The birdsong outside the window became louder, and Thea cracked one eye at a time. Slowly, she turned over.
Wakefield’s side of the bed was undisturbed.
Thea bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying out. Where was he? Had he spent the night sleeping outside? Or had he gone to someone else’s? Noah’s, perhaps?
Fear making the hair on her arms stand straight up, Thea threw the sheets off and clambered out of bed. Her fingers shook as she dressed, making it hard to do the buttons on her dress.
She needed to find him, but what would she say once she did? Her attitude the night before had been harsh, but she did not regret it. She was having a baby, whether Wakefield liked it or not. The least he could do was face that fact.
But, instead, he’d run away.
Skipping breakfast, Thea wound her hair into a low bun, pinning it up as she walked outside.
“Wakefield?” she called.
Going around the side of the house, she let the chickens out of the coop and scattered some feed. The sun was rising steadily and the knot in Thea’s stomach continued to tighten. On top of all that, she’d woken up feeling nauseous again, and it was only a matter of time before she was sick all over the place.
Had something happened to Wakefield during the night? What if he had wandered too far into the woods and become lost?
Thea turned her gaze toward the trees behind the cabin. She’d never ventured more than a few yards into them, for fear of losing her way. If a man did get lost in these mountains, what were the chances of him making it back to town?
Thea swallowed, doing her best to keep the fear at bay. She could not let her thoughts stray to the worst possible circumstances. Not yet. First, she needed to make sure Wakefield wasn’t at the saloon.
Not taking the time to go and snatch her sunbonnet, she set off down the road. Her heart pounded, and her chin began to quiver. If something awful had happened to Wakefield, she would be made a widow twice—and with a baby on the way!
God, please bring him back to me, she prayed as she walked for the saloon. Do that, and we will figure everything else out.
The street was quiet, not a soul in sight. Thea did a quick sweep of the area, taking in the clearing where Sunday services were held and the Mullins’ general store. No sign of Wakefield.
Her anxiety climbing, she crossed Outpost’s patio and tried the door, but found it locked. She went to turn away, but the sight of boots through the window made her stop.
Cupping her hands over her eyes to block out the sun, Thea leaned closer to the pane. Not only were there boots, but they were attached to someone’s legs.
There was a man in the saloon. A man laying behind a table.
Terror burst through Thea. Was it Wakefield in there? She couldn’t be sure. It
was too dark inside of Outpost, and most of the man’s body was behind the table. But who else, other than him or Noah, would be in there?
Her Silent Burden_Seeing Ranch series Page 15
