by Jack Harbon
“It fucked up my relationship with Joseph, and rightfully so. His younger brother, the one who’d been given the company over him, was now siding with his family and shunning Gloria. When I saw that I had nobody to celebrate with, I realized that I needed to get it together. I needed to get my big brother back. I invited him out for drinks, and…” Arthur paused and squeezed his eyes shut. He turned his head and cursed at himself, his breaths short, as if he was breathless just telling the story.
“For a minute there,” he continued, “things were good. I apologized for how big of an asshole I was. If he was with her, it was obvious that he loved her. The fact that she had no money shouldn’t have mattered. We settled the argument almost instantly. That’s just how it is with brothers. An apology, a shove or punch to the shoulder, and things are okay again. Like they never even happened. We even hugged it out in the middle of the bar. Things felt right. I’d atoned for my sins and we could finally get back to ourselves. We took shots to commemorate the reunion. And then to celebrate my birthday. We didn’t stop until the bar shut down.
“Joseph had to work early that morning, and we didn’t have time to wait around outside for a cab, so I offered… I offered to drive. It was the least I could do, getting him home so he could rest before his busy morning. To this day, I’ve never stopped hating myself for that night.”
Mateo didn’t need to ask what happened. It was etched into Arthur’s forehead. It was laced in the words he spoke, the way his breaths came out irregularly, ragged and labored. Joseph wasn’t with them anymore.
Arthur dug his nails into his palms hard enough to make Mateo wince. It seemed to take everything he had to open his mouth again. “Gloria was pregnant.”
Mateo’s stomach twisted. The room in the air was suddenly suffocating, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe either.
“Joseph had planned on telling me, but we weren’t on speaking terms. I found out at his funeral. Can you imagine your fiancé being killed and finding out that you’d be raising two boys on your own? Twins. Two little boys without a father. She came to my father for help, but he wanted nothing to do with Gloria. He created this entire narrative about her being unfaithful. He denied that those babies were his grandchildren. He threatened her. The woman his son loved. The mother of his fucking grandsons. And I did nothing.”
“I did nothing!” he nearly shouted. Arthur shook his head and looked up at Mateo. His eyes shone with wetness, and Mateo thought about reaching out to wipe them.
“I’ve never told anyone, Mateo. I’ve been so ashamed. I took two little boys’ father away. Their mother...” He dropped the thought. “My father banned me from talking to them. If he found out that I’d been speaking with them, he’d take the company from me. For years, I lived with that guilt. Then one day, I decided to reach out to Gloria. She was reluctant, but she eventually let me help her and those boys.”
“So that money…” Mateo said, piecing it together. “That money and those pictures. Was that for them?”
“Yes,” he nodded solemnly. “She doesn’t have enough money to finish the boys’ treehouse. I send her money once a month. We made the agreement that she’d accept the money if I stayed out of their lives. She wanted nothing to do with our family. I could ease my guilt for ruining her life as long as I never saw my nephews again.” Arthur set his jaw and wiped at the tears that ran down his face. This time Mateo took over. He reached forward with the sleeve of his shirt and dabbed his face clean.
“And the...the gun?” he said after a moment.
“I’d planned on putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger.”
The words were lead in Mateo’s stomach. “Please don’t do that,” he whispered. He turned the man’s head so that their eyes met once more. “Please don’t, Arthur. Please.”
“I’m not going to,” Arthur assured him. “I forgot it was down there until I saw you with it. These past few weeks I’ve thought about doing it, too. I was so close to telling you the truth. This sick feeling about myself was all I could think about. I tried drinking it away, but it always came back. And when I realized that telling the truth would make you and Nicola see me in a different light, I thought about the gun. I still couldn’t do it. Not to you, and not to her. I just want to change what I did.” He covered his face with his hands, his body rocking with sobs.
Mateo scooted closer and put an arm around the man’s broad back. He pulled him close for a hug.
“I wanted to tell you, Mateo, but I couldn’t.”
“I know,” he said, stroking the man’s hair. They sat still for an eternity. Mateo could hear his raspy, shuddering breaths, and it made his chest hurt. He tried to wrap his head around the guilt Arthur lived with, but it wasn’t feasible. There wasn’t enough imagination in the world that could give him even the slightest bit of understanding.
“I’ll be okay,” Arthur said, sitting up. He swiped at his eyes and cleared his throat, topping off the rest of the water in his glass. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“I know,” Mateo said.
“I’ve tried to handle this for so long, but I can’t do it on my own. I was ashamed of needing someone to talk to, and it’s torn me up every second since that night. You made me realize something when you dropped off all the things I bought you.”
“Did I?”
“I would’ve spiraled if you hadn’t shown me the mess I’d become, Mateo. You forced me to see the damage I was still causing. The morning after you left me, I spent three hours over the toilet, sick to my stomach. Purging myself of the poison I’d tried to use as an antidote. I felt like I was dying, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So, I decided to see someone. She specializes in depression and grief.”
A reverent smile tugged at Arthur’s lips. “I’ve been seeing her twice a week, and we haven’t made much progress, but it’s helping me. I don’t weigh a million pounds anymore. I’m not drowning. I’m learning to swim.”
Mateo could see hope in Arthur’s eyes. It replaced the insurmountable regret he’d seen before. Mateo had never seen anything more beautiful than the smile on Arthur’s face.
“I’m so proud of you,” Mateo said quietly.
“It’s nothing yet—”
“It’s not nothing,” Mateo said with a shake of his head. “When Angel passed, I couldn’t even say the word ‘therapist.’ I never saw anyone until college, and I think that if I had, things would’ve been so much easier. I wouldn’t have internalized everything. It takes everything in you to open up to a therapist and realize that there’s no shame in it. You’re stronger because of this, and I’m so proud of you.”
Arthur’s face contorted, and he lowered his head again, crying again. Mateo could only hold him, rocking him back and forth. He’d spent so much time being in Arthur’s position. He knew that what mattered more than words was simply being present.
“I’m sorry I ruined everything we had,” Arthur said. His words were muffled against the fabric of Mateo’s jeans.
“Let’s not talk about that right now,” he said.
“Okay.” There was a pause. “Tell me something that I missed when I was gone, then?”
Where would he even begin? Mentioning the end of his painting lessons made him sad, and even thinking about telling Arthur of his father’s death seemed cruel. From past experience, Mateo wagered that Arthur needed to hear something nice.
With a small smile, Mateo said, “I’m starting school in the fall.”
26
TAKING IT SLOW
“So, he’s not a killer?” Valerie asked. Mateo looked up from the cutting board he’d found in Arthur’s cupboard and narrowed his eyes at her.
“You say that like you’re disappointed.”
“I mean, I kind of...am?” She held her hands up when he started to glare. “Look, all I’m saying is that it was kind of exciting to think that he was out there killing people and making money. It was like a Bond movie or something.”
“James Bond is a spy,
not a hired murderer,” Mateo explained.
“Like I would know. I don’t watch those lame ass movies. Anyways, dating someone like that would be exciting. I dunno. But I guess it’s cool that you two got back together. It’s not like he ignored you for two months or anything...” She twirled her finger in her hair coyly.
Mateo placed his knife on the counter and sighed with exasperation. “Val, stop it. Stop bullshitting me and just say what’s on your mind.”
Valerie let her dark hair unwrap from her fingers and put her hands on her hips. “Fine, I’ll just say it then. I think he treated you like shit. I think you’re going back to him too soon. You’re letting him know that walking all over you is okay.” She paused, as if to give Mateo time to say anything. He stood waiting for her to finish.
“Like, I get it, he’s loaded, he’s sexy, and he’s probably amazing in bed, but you’re worth more than that. You deserve someone who realizes what they have. Someone who tries their hardest not to fuck that up. I’m not comfortable with how he treated you, and I’m not comfortable with the idea of you being back in that kind of relationship.”
Once she was finished, he said, “You good?” She nodded. “Alright. For starters, I didn’t take him back. Not yet.”
“You’re having dinner with him tonight.”
“Dinner with him doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him,” Mateo said.
He thought back to the night before. He’d spent it at Arthur’s place, talking until they saw the sun disappear and reappear hours later. At first, he’d been wary of mentioning his father, but eventually Arthur got him to open up.
He explained how he’d discovered Sergio’s body. How he used his Vegas money to pay for the funeral and the new apartment. The two of them talked longer than they’d ever talked before, letting out all of the things they wanted to say to each other in the months that there’d been silence.
As much as he wanted to tell Valerie the entire situation, he’d learned recently that certain things needed to be kept close. He had no right to tell her why he’d been so understanding. Everything involving Joseph and the twins was their secret, and he would honor that with everything he had inside him.
“What about Gino?” she asked.
His talk with Gino had been surprisingly nice. He didn’t go too into detail about why they couldn’t go on dates anymore, but he was pretty sure Gino had some kind of inkling as to the reason. Gino was an amazing guy, but Mateo knew deep down that Arthur was someone he couldn’t replace. They had history.
“Me and Gino are just friends. We’ve always just been friends.”
“Friends that kiss,” Valerie muttered. She rolled her eyes and said, “I’m sorry. I’m being a bitch.”
Mateo shook his head. “I just want you to know that I’m not rushing into things. I’m being careful. Arthur and I got really personal. We told each other things nobody else knows. That’s how good he makes me feel. How safe. And I know you worry about me because this is like the first real relationship I’ve had in years, but I know that I’ll be okay. I’m being safe, and I’m talking it out with him. I’m gonna tell him what I need in a relationship. We’re going slow, okay?”
Valerie still wore a skeptical look but sighed, shaking her head weakly. “Fine. It’s not my business, it’s you and Arthur’s. But I want you to know that if something goes down...”
“You told me so. I know.”
“No. I’m here for you.”
Mateo glanced up to find a gentle expression that showed her true sincerity. He nodded once and turned back to the pasta on the stove. She slipped her bag on her shoulder and let out a yawn.
“Sleepy?” he asked.
“Yeah, I was up late.”
“Doing who?”
“Asshole,” she said. “I was studying. Jessie wouldn’t help me study for finals, so I had to do it myself. Took twice as long to get through all my notes, but whatever. I’m gonna kill those tests.”
“I’m sure Jessie secretly hopes you fail.”
“What are sisters for?” she muttered.
“Regardless, I’m confident that you’ll kick those tests’ asses. Wanna celebrate afterwards? They’ll be the first A’s you’ve gotten this semester.”
“That was shady, but yes,” she said, smiling. She dug around in her purse for her keys and headed to the door. “I’m gonna get home and take a nap. Text you when I’m awake. Be careful with him.”
“I will,” Mateo said, exasperation just on the tip of his tongue. “Love you.”
“Mwah,” she said, blowing him a kiss. She reached for the door when it suddenly swung open. “Sorry about that,” she giggled, slipping around Arthur and heading out into the hall.
He closed the door and put his briefcase down. “She was in a hurry,” he said as he approached Mateo.
“Val’s always on the move,” he replied, shrugging with one shoulder.
“What are you cooking?”
“Guajillo and garlic pasta,” he said with a satisfied smile. He turned his head to look at Arthur. The stubble on his cheeks was a clear indicator that Arthur needed to shave again, but at the moment, the slight ruggedness of his appearance didn’t turn Mateo off. At the very least, it wasn’t wild like the last time he’d seen him.
“That sounds good. I’ll set the table,” Arthur said.
The two of them worked on their own tasks silently, Mateo assembling the meal and Arthur setting up for it. He poured the two of them each a glass of water and placed a lemon wedge on the rims of both cups. They were seated and eating five minutes later.
Mateo swirled his fork in the noodles. “How was work?”
“It was work.”
“Seriously,” Mateo insisted. “I wanna know what happened today.”
Arthur picked at his pasta and thought. “Nothing really exciting happened. Stocks went up. We’re almost done with the speaker brick we’re designing. The casinos are doing as nice as ever. Not much to write home about,” he said, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a smile. Mateo had to admit, it did sound like a boring day at work, but he was still interested in knowing.
“That’s good. Better boring than something negative happening,” he offered.
“Glass Half Full Mateo,” Arthur said. “That’s what I’m going to start calling you.”
“I like it,” Mateo smiled. He took a sip of his water. “I’ve got a few nicknames I might start calling you.” Arthur looked up from his plate, waiting for an elaboration.
“Rough and Gruff Arthur with that facial hair,” he said, grinning.
“That’s cute.”
“Suave Suit and Tie Arthur. Million Dollar Arthur. Daddy Arthur.” The last name came out in a quieter tone, like Mateo might be scolded for saying it. The man’s smile only grew larger, and he dipped his head to chuckle.
“You’re gonna get in trouble if you say that last one.”
“Am I?”
“I promise, you will.”
Mateo smirked, pressing one of the prongs of his fork against his bottom lip. Sure, he’d just told Valerie that they were going slow, but it was hard not to slip back into old habits. It was hard not to want everything from before. The playful flirting, the thinly-veiled innuendos, all of it. But he was trying to be strong. If they were going to do this again, he didn’t want to make the same mistakes they’d made before. Things would have to be different.
Arthur still had work to do with himself before Mateo was willing to do anything else. He needed to see improvement before letting down his guard completely and easing back into things. He’d thought long and hard about everything, and though there was still a sting whenever he remembered the isolation he’d felt with Arthur’s absence, he was understanding of it. What Arthur went through was a battle he’d been fighting for over a decade.
“I don’t want to get in trouble,” Mateo said. “Not yet, at least. I just want to talk.”
“What about?”
“Us. Where we go from here.”
Arthur nodded and placed his fork down on the table. “I’m all ears.”
“Okay,” Mateo said. He picked at his pasta for a moment, deciding where the best place to start might be. He settled on the beginning of their relationship. “I don’t want to be your sugar baby anymore. I want to be your boyfriend. And I want you to be my boyfriend.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“I want us to be equals. I want to pay for your food sometimes, just as often as you pay for mine.”
“No more spoiling you, gotcha.”
“Uh, hold on,” Mateo said suddenly. “I never said that. You can spoil me all you want. But you better be prepared to get it right back. Maybe not as much, but spoiling will happen. Guaranteed.”
“I like these terms.” Arthur drank from his glass, holding up a finger while he swallowed. “Are there any other guidelines that I should follow?”
“Honesty,” Mateo said quietly. “Whatever you’re feeling, be honest with me. Even if it will hurt my feelings or make me mad. I’d rather we yell at each other than not talk for months again. And I don’t think you ever would, but please don’t hang up on me when we’re on the phone and in a heated discussion. That’s the worst.”
“No,” he shook his head, “I would never. If you hung up on me, I’d hunt you down and continue the fight.” The conviction in Arthur’s voice made something inside of Mateo want to do exactly that, just to see if he was exaggerating.
“So, yeah. I think that’s it. We’re equals. You’re honest with me, and I’m honest with you. We talk when things bother us, and we spoil each other from time to time. Oh, and we don’t hang up on each other.”
