She frowned, looking away from me.
“It’s OK if you say that I am. I need to know what you think of me.”
She shook her head. “If you want a quick answer, no, you’re not. I’ve seen cowards. You have a unique type of bravery. I saw it on Bodens Gate. You want to run, but you stay. You do everything you can to get away from a fight, and then you risk everything. Thousands would have died without you, including us.”
I shook my head. “I just did what had to be done. And I was scared the whole time.”
She chuckled. “You know what you just did?”
“What?”
“You just gave me the definition of a hero.”
“I’m not a hero.”
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “Real heroes never believe they’re heroes.” She glanced at her watch. “I’m sorry. I need to get back in there. We can talk more after the party or tomorrow.”
“Thanks.” I smiled at her and was almost going to tell her what I had planned for the morning, but I could feel her urgent desire to get back into the office. I chewed my lower lip, undecided.
“Something else?”
“No, just…Don’t make any plans for tomorrow, you or Dad.”
I felt her banging around inside my skull. It was painful.
She closed her eyes. “Damn it, Dusa. Why can’t you ever do things the easy way?”
I felt the tenderness and exasperation in her. I shrugged as she closed the door with a slam.
I put the throw I was wearing back on the couch, walked outside, up onto the one-meter board, and off the end without breaking stride. I let myself sink to the bottom and just sat there holding my breath. Sam came down after a few seconds and pulled me back to the surface.
“Should have left her down there,” my best friend told him. “Look in her head. It’s full of cobwebs and spiders right now. A little hypoxia might help her reset.”
I stuck my tongue out at her. “Mom knows about the wedding.”
“You told her?”
“No, she just reached into my brain and pulled it out, like she was yanking a pair of socks out of a drawer. I don’t know how she does that.”
“It’s because you just leave your emotions lying around where anyone can see them. I’ve tried to teach you how to block, but…”
“I know. I’m hopeless.” I rolled my eyes and ended up staring at Sam. Gentle blue eyes stared back at me, more amused than sympathetic. “Hi there,” I told him. “We’re getting married tomorrow.”
“So I’ve heard. I have reservations at the Weatherford for tomorrow night if you’d like to join me.”
“Yeah, joining sounds really good.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.
Winona sighed. “Thank you so much, Samuel. You just made the cobwebs ten times worse. I’m going back inside now to find somewhere that’s more than twenty meters from here.”
Winona was in the family room reading when Sam and I finally made it back to the house an hour later. Sam went downstairs to get dressed and I sat on the tile floor next to Winona.
“Sorry, Winn. I’ll try to control myself better, I really will.”
She glanced at me from her pad. “I don’t believe you can do it, but thanks for saying you’ll try. So, you’re all done teasing him with your mostly naked body for now?”
“For now. He’s the only person that’s ever been attracted to my mostly naked body. Let me enjoy the feeling while I can.”
She stared into my eyes, shaking her head. “Idiot.” She turned her attention back to whatever she was reading.
“It’s true. Sometimes I get a sense of what I look like through his eyes and it’s not what I see in the mirror. I’m not pretty or cute. I’m built like a stick figure with…” I glanced down at myself. “No, pretty much just a stick figure. I have to get by on my personality and wit.”
“Good luck with that. At least you’re intelligent. What is your ranking going into finals next month? Twenty-third out of seven hundred-fifty, I believe. And number three in engineering.”
“Says the woman who’s number one in our class.” I smiled and rested my head against her arm, knowing my hair was still wet and cold. “I’m so proud of my Winona.” I kissed her hand.
She looked down at me and I felt something almost making it past her block, something like pain. She frowned and tapped my watch. “You still have it?”
I nodded and undid the band, pulling a small clear envelope from under it that held a lock of Winona’s hair. “Knowing it’s there helps more than you know. You told me that this contains a piece of you, your wisdom and strength. I don’t know how I could have survived the last year without you.”
She turned back to her display pad, but her eyes were closed. “Go get dressed, stick girl. The caterers will be here soon and I want to get a head start on the snacks.”
“OK. But you have to save some stuffed jalapeños for me.”
My house was full of people that I did not know, and Dad was determined that I meet all of them. It made me realize how little I knew about his life. So I smiled, shook a lot of hands, and let people stare at me, even though I hate that. I snuck off to sit with Winn and Sam as soon as I could.
“Do all geologists know the same half dozen jokes?” I had brought Winona a fresh glass of wine and she took a sip before answering.
“You mean like the one that ends with ‘subduction leads to orogeny’? Or ‘coprolites happen’?”
“I think there are at least six that feature coprolites.” Sam leaned over, looking into my glass. “What are you drinking?”
“Iced tea.”
“That’s my Mala Dusa.” Winona was proud of me.
We sat talking quietly for a few minutes, enjoying being out of the main swirl of the party. Then Marcus found us. He sat at our table, greeting us with a too loud, “How’s the conspiracy going? Ready to spring into action?”
“No conspirators here,” I assured him. “We’re just enjoying a quiet drink and some stuffed jalapeños. Try one?” I pushed the plate toward him.
He glanced at them. “Those are evil incarnate. And you shouldn’t lie to me; you might need my help someday. You are conspirators, and that is not a drink.” He tapped the side of my glass. “Now why, I must ask myself, does the Alice clone wish to remain sober tonight?”
“If I were really a clone of my mother I’d be better at lying, wouldn’t I?”
“Oh, a clever thing for her to say to put me off the scent. I can only think of three reasons to remain sober at a party like this. One, you might be pregnant, but with the way you’re built that would start to show within the first hour. Two, you want to make sure your behavior is appropriate during the party, or three, you have plans for later that require a clear head.”
There was a loud splash and I turned to see that another of our guests had gone into the water.
“I wish people would stop falling into my pool.”
Marcus was looking over my shoulder, squinting. “I think Hannah pushed that one in. A prideful woman, your stepmother.”
He continued. “No one would notice misbehavior on your part tonight, so we must assume you have plans for later. Or maybe for the morning? Ah, I see by your eyes that it is the morning that concerns you.”
“Duse, you may want to close your eyes and put your hands over your ears,” Winona warned me.
Marcus smiled at her. “No distractions now, I’m almost there. Although, it would be easier if we could get a couple of glasses of scotch into her first. I can even guarantee her a clear head afterward, if that’s what’s worrying you.” Marcus reached into his pocket and placed a small red bottle on the table in front of me.
“What is that?”
Sam answered for him. “Nox. It cleans all the alcohol out of your system in less than a second, but you pay for it la
ter. And it’s illegal on Earth.”
Marcus looked offended. “Because Earth is a crappy planet.”
“It’s the coprolites,” I assured him.
He chuckled. “Most of your dad’s friends would think that was the best joke of the night. Now, tell me, what is it you’re planning on doing tomorrow morning?”
He watched all three of us for about five seconds and then his eyes got a little bigger. “My God, do your parents know? That would explain why that walking fossil Ryczek has been so happy all evening, humming to himself everywhere he goes.”
Winona tapped his shoulder. “Teach me, please. I want to learn how you did that.”
I saw his eyes light up when he smiled at her and I suddenly understood what he was doing. “Winona Killdeer, can’t you tell when you’re being played? Marcus doesn’t give a damn about what Sam and I are doing tomorrow. This was all a setup to lure you into going to work with him instead of with Mom. Sam was right about the door into the IC only swinging one way.” I turned on him, growing angrier. “Marcus, who paid for your passage to come to my dad’s party? It didn’t come out of your own pocket, did it?”
He leaned back, looking irritated. “You may not be Alice’s clone, but damn if you don’t cause me as much pain. I would have paid to come here on my own because your father is my friend, but the opportunity presented itself to write it off as a recruiting trip. It was working too.”
“What happened to ‘damn the Union and damn RuComm’? Now you’re recruiting for them?”
“This war has to end, and the sooner the better. Too many lives are being ruined while it drags on. I have my role to play, whether I like it or not.”
I was still looking at him through slit eyes, my arms crossed. “Have you seen my pool? I’d be happy to give you a closer look.”
He stood and handed something to Winona. “The offer stands, Ms. Killdeer. You’d like it on Dulcinea, I can promise you that. And Ms. Holloman…you’d be a valuable asset as well, as much as it hurts me to even suggest it. We’re part of the Union, you know. It’s not as if you’d be betraying anything.” He leaned forward and whispered, “And we wouldn’t care if you were married.”
Sam was looking at me sideways, waiting to see what I’d say.
I locked eyes with Marcus. “Pool,” I told him.
He was chuckling when he left. I put my head down on the table. “I need a drink. Did he leave the Nox here?”
I got to my room sometime around 02:00. We had cleaned up a little bit, helped folks call autocabs, and put blankets over those that were having trouble rising to the challenge of being awake. I was exhausted.
I turned on the light and there was a white dress lying across my bed. I touched it gently, feeling the softness of the fabric between my fingers. I felt suddenly afraid. I had planned on this moment for years, literally dreamed about every detail. Now it was real. In eight hours, I’d be standing in an open field with the sun on my bare shoulders, kissing my husband.
“Huh. This is crazy. What was I thinking?”
There was a German Shepherd dog sitting at the foot of my bed. He hadn’t been there a moment before, now he was looking at me, head tipped slightly and warm brown eyes watching me with concern. I knew he was Tarakana, part of the Merrimac colony, and not really a dog. I sat down on the floor next to him and rested my face against his.
“Little Soul, you want this, I know you do. You’ve waited seven years. We’ve waited for almost twenty-four. It’s time.”
There were tears in my eyes. “You haven’t come to see me in a while.”
“No, the colony on this planet is old and massive. They play the noble and the wicked, feeding equally on both. They tolerate me here and let me do some things, but not others. Sometimes they hinder me. Now it’s time for you and Samuel. It’s time to complete the love you share.”
I should have been terrified, but I wasn’t. I knew that I was the result of generations of Tarakana meddling, breeding my family like livestock, allowing some to die, and protecting others, all to guide Samuel and Mala Dusa together to create the next generation, another step in whatever Merrimac was doing to the human species. Sometimes when I was at the Academy and no Tarakana were close by, I was terrified. When I was like this, with my face against his and my fingers clutching his fur, I felt proud of the role I was playing.
“Don’t take him from me,” I whispered.
I could feel the colony thinking as one, exploring the twisted paths of the alternate futures. “Protecting him is difficult. He takes too many risks. Many other paths are closed because that one stays open.”
I could see all of the paths in the group mind, and I could see what might happen, all the passages and branches where I was alone forever without Sam, others where my son was alive, and even I was gone. But there was one…
“That one. What about that one? Can it be real?”
“They all can be real, Little Soul. They all are real. That one? Are you sure? The outcomes are uncertain and I cannot control all the variables. Can’t you see that it’s random and chaotic past the first two iterations?”
“Are random and chaotic always bad? No, I can’t see it, but I want it anyway.”
Amusement flashed through him, and the affection for me that troubled him, no, that embarrassed him. Winona thought I was foolish or worse when I told her that Merrimac was my friend. Friend might be the wrong word, but I knew he liked me more than he thought he should.
“How interesting and delightful that you can surprise me. You should sleep now because tomorrow will be a busy day for you.”
“Yeah, busy day. Thank you for being such a good friend.” I rolled onto my side, wrapped my arms around Merrimac, and he sang to me.
CHAPTER 4
THE KILL LIST
“You got that close and couldn’t actually make it into your bed?”
My eyes opened and looked up at my mom. I was on the floor next to the bed, still wearing what I had worn to the party, with a blanket wrapped around me and a stuffed animal for a pillow. I tried to recall how I had come to be there, but there were no memories after I had started up the stairs to my room. Sam had been watching me climb, and the sharp mix of love and lust I felt in him was the last thing I remembered.
“What time is it?”
Sharlot answered. “06:30 and I still haven’t seen you in that dress you had me make. You are planning on actually using it, aren’t you?”
I got up and started to take off my shirt. “I need a shower first. And breakfast. I should eat something. Maybe breakfast first.” I put my shirt back on and sniffed it. “No, I really need a shower. No…”
Mom was watching me, her arms crossed, and smiling softly. “How much did you drink last night?”
I turned to her, upset that such a simple, stupid decision was eluding me. “All I had was tea. Honest. What should I do first?”
“Come here and hug me. Take a deep breath. Better?”
I nodded.
“Come down as you are and eat a quick breakfast. Sam seems to like you all rumpled anyway. Then take a shower and I’ll help you get ready. We have plenty of time.”
Coffee was what I needed more than food, and after the second cup, my brain was back working again. Mom followed me upstairs to help me get ready for my wedding and I tried not to panic.
“What was I thinking? I can’t do this. This is just stupid. I’ll get Sam in trouble when RuComm finds out and I’ll have to pay back thousands that I don’t have.” I had my arms straight up in the air, letting the dress come down over me, my hair still damp from the shower. Mom helped tie the lacy straps around me.
“A little late for second thoughts, isn’t it?” She tipped her head. “Alice’s dress?”
“Yes. You don’t think Dad will be upset, do you? I should have asked him, but I didn’t want either of you to know I was doing this.
Now…” I looked at myself in the mirror, remembering the video I had watched of Dad and my real mom getting married. I looked just like her.
“It was the right choice. You’re going to make him cry.”
“For the right reasons? I don’t want this to hurt him. Or you.”
She kissed my cheek. “For the right reasons. OK, let me see it.” She gestured, wanting me to spin. I could feel her about to cry and holding it back. “My beautiful daughter. I guess your dad and I will have to help you keep your secret too.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. I’m going to get you fired too. Let’s just cancel this whole thing. I don’t really…” I was looking at myself in the mirror, the way the light was hitting the sparkles Mom had put in my hair. Merrimac was singing to me from somewhere far away and I could feel Sam downstairs, excited and worried just like me.
I sighed and turned back to her. “I do need to do this. There’s no choice and it’s the right thing to do. Tell me to be brave.”
“Be brave, Mala Dusa.” Mom smiled at me because she’s my mom and she loves me.
I nodded and sat down on the edge of my bed, pulling on wool socks and my hiking boots.
“Do you have other shoes for the ceremony?”
“Nope, just these. It snowed a couple of days ago and that whole area by the trailhead will be a muddy mess.” I stood and wrapped a long coat around myself while she watched me with her hand over her mouth. “I’m ready. Let’s go do this.”
She giggled and followed me down the stairs.
The area around the trailhead wasn’t as bad as I had expected, which was good, because I was the only one who had thought to dress appropriately for the mud. Father Ryczek was already there, walking briskly down the trail to meet us when our car parked and let us out.
I ran to him, leaving everyone else behind, and kissed his cheek. “Were you up checking out the clearing by the boulders?”
“Yes, and then farther up the trail for almost a mile. You never told me about where you were from. It’s beautiful, like you.” He kissed my cheek. “Are you cold?”
Wandering Storm Page 4
