by Amber Garza
As I neared it, my stomach twisted. I never knew what to expect when I got home. When I lived with my grandparents, home was a safe haven. A place where I was comfortable and content, and I always knew what it would be like. I’d get home and Grandma would be cooking dinner. Grandpa would be outside gardening or inside watching TV if it was late or dark. But with Justin, there was no telling.
When I opened the door, I steeled myself for the unknown. Just as I had suspected, he had a girl in here. But at least I didn’t walk in on anything. They were both fully clothed, sitting on the bed talking. This was new. And I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Also, a little surprised.
“Charlotte, right?” I asked as I set down my bag.
“Right. And you’re Cooper?”
I nodded. It was the second time Justin had brought Charlotte over, and it made me wonder if he had already met a girl he was willing to commit to. After all his talk about playing the field and hooking up with as many girls as possible, it seemed odd. Then again, some guys just liked to talk, but they didn’t really back it up with their actions. Maybe Justin was one of those guys.
“Hey, man. Practice go well?”
Another shocker. Justin didn’t normally ask me about practice. “Yeah.”
“Cool.” Justin stood up. “Charlotte and I were just about to take off. Wanna join us. We’re meeting some friends to grab a bite.”
“Nah. I’m good.”
Justin chuckled, glancing over at Charlotte. “Dude’s probably gonna spend all night on the phone with his girlfriend. I swear he has a vagina. One of these days I’m gonna check to make sure he’s really a dude.”
I rolled my eyes. Charlotte’s eyebrows knit together. She was probably wondering what she was doing with such an idiot. Hell, I was wondering the same thing. I didn’t know Charlotte that well, but she seemed like she could do a whole lot better than Justin.
“Yeah, just try to sneak a peek and see what happens,” I said.
Justin guffawed. “I’m just messing with you, man. Trust me, I’m not gonna look at another guy’s junk.” His arm snaked around Charlotte’s middle. “I’m not that kind of guy.” He lowered his gaze to Charlotte’s chest. “But I’ll gladly check out your junk anytime.”
She smiled coyly, and I shook my head. Maybe I was wrong. Clearly they were right for each other. After they left, I hit the showers and changed. Then I texted London to see if she wanted to skype. She answered almost immediately with a yes and a smiley face. Heart flipping in my chest, I pulled out my laptop and pulled up skype. After logging on and connecting, London’s face filled the screen. She wasn’t wearing her wig or my hats. Instead, her short hair was down, tucked behind her ears. I was glad that she was feeling comfortable enough to leave it exposed. After all, there was no reason to cover it up. She looked beautiful.
“There is my gorgeous girl,” I said, leaning my head back on the wall and adjusting my position on the bed. The laptop bounced on my thighs as I moved around.
London smiled. “Did you just get back from practice?”
I nodded.
“Looks like you didn’t get kicked out of your room this time.”
“No. Justin went out tonight, thank god. After the brutal practice I had, I needed to change and shower. And, more importantly, I wanted to spend some time alone with my girl.”
London’s eyebrows knit together, and I realized I’d said too much. “What happened at practice?”
Clamping my mouth shut, I wished I could shove the words back in. They just sort of spilled out. London did that to me. She made me feel so comfortable I didn’t think to filter my statements. But the last thing I wanted to do was cause her to worry about me. Besides, this whole thing with Ace was nothing I couldn’t handle.
“Nothing. Just worked hard.” I rolled my shoulders as if to demonstrate how sore I was. “College ball is a lot different than high school ball, that’s for sure.”
“Wish I was there to give a massage.” London grinned, a sparkle in her eyes.
My insides churned. London rarely tossed out flirty or seductive statements like that. Usually it was me talking like that. The novelty of it made it that much more sexy. God, I wanted her here with me so damn bad. I would give anything to feel her fingers on my skin, to feel her hands on my body. My skin buzzed at the thought.
“Baby, you have no idea how much I wish you were here.”
London’s facial features smoothed out, and she stared at me wearing a pensive expression. Biting her lip, she leaned forward a bit, her face becoming larger on the screen. I straightened my spine. “When are you gonna tell me what’s really going on, Coop?”
I swallowed hard. “What are you talking about?”
“C’mon, I can tell something’s up. Why can’t you share it with me?” Her eyes crinkled around the edges, worry etching her features.
My chest tightened, and I wondered what scenarios had been running through her mind as she tried to guess at what was wrong with me. By attempting to protect her, it seemed I’d done undue damage. “You’re right. Something is going on. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner, baby.” Her chest heaved as she breathed raggedly, and her eyes widened as she waited for me to finish. It made me feel like shit. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m just sorta having issues with this guy named Ace. He’s one of the other pitchers – the fourth starter.”
“Ahh.” Understanding washed over her features, relief evident in her eyes. Man, I should have come clean sooner. I needed to start putting London’s feelings ahead of my own damn pride. As much as I tried to convince myself I kept silent as a way of shielding her, I knew a lot of it had to do with my ego. I didn’t want London to think her man couldn’t hack it in college. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged. “Didn’t want to worry you.”
“I’m your girlfriend. It’s my job to worry. Isn’t that what you tell me?”
Chuckling, I shook my head. “Damn, I had to fall in love with the one girl who actually listens to me.”
“What can I say? It’s my gift.” She cocked her head to the side and raised a brow. It was so damn cute and coy, it made me want to kiss her so bad. Man, it was torture to know I couldn’t touch her. That damn screen between us taunted me.
“Well, you don’t need to worry. I’ve got it all under control.”
“I’m sure you do.” She smiled. “Ace is just jealous right now, and he probably feels a little slighted since you got the third starter spot. But you’ll win him over with that famous Cooper charm. I’m sure of it.”
“You are, huh?” I loved the way she believed in me.
“Yep. Positive.”
“How can you be so positive when you don’t even know the guy?” I prodded, a smile playing on my lips.
“I don’t need to know him. I know you.” A strand of hair slipped out from behind her ear, and she swiftly tucked it back in. I longed to be the one doing that for her. Longed to touch her silky hair, to feel it between my fingers. “I mean, you won me over, didn’t you?”
“I don’t think that’s a fair comparison.”
“Why not? I certainly didn’t want to like you when we first met.”
“But you just couldn’t help yourself, huh?” I teased. “You couldn’t control yourself around me.”
Giggling, London rolled her eyes. “I think it was the other way around.”
“Hey, I’m not denying that.”
She shook her head. “You’re crazy.”
“Crazy about you.”
“Wow. That was probably the most clichéd thing you’ve ever said. Like I think that line has been in every single romance novel I’ve ever read.”
“Then I take it back,” I said.
“You do?” She flashed an amused grin.
“Yeah, because what we have isn’t a cliché, and it sure as hell isn’t fiction. You and me. We’re as real as it gets.”
CHAPTER 7
London
This couldn’t be hap
pening again.
It just couldn’t. There was no way.
A few days ago I’d been on top of the world. Things were going well with the paper. Our first edition had already come out, and we were all pleased with how it turned out. In fact, Mr. Smith even complimented me, stating that it was one of the best issues the school had published. That was huge coming from Mr. Smith, being that he gave out compliments sparingly, and he rarely involved himself in the paper at all. My classes were going well, and even though some of the students still harassed me a little, most of them left me alone. But the main reason I’d been happy was because it was nearing Thanksgiving, which meant I’d get to see Cooper. We’d have an entire week together. Already we’d been discussing all the things we would do. Although Cooper didn’t seem to care about any of the activities I had planned. It seemed he had a one-track mind about what we would do when he visited.
But two days ago I woke up feeling sick. It was reminiscent of when my illness began – exhaustion, achy, lack of energy. But I convinced myself it was just a cold or flu bug, and I ignored it, certain it would improve. Only it wasn’t. It was getting worse. And this morning Dad called me on it. Apparently, despite my best efforts to pretend everything was fine, Dad had still picked up on the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. And that furthered my worry. If it was so bad that I couldn’t even hide it, then maybe it was serious.
“I’m taking you to the doctor,” Dad said adamantly.
“But I’m not due for a checkup, and at my last one everything was fine,” I argued back, as I attempted to get ready for school. Staring at my reflection, I squinted as a headache pricked behind my eyes.
“And it still might be fine, pumpkin. But it’s better to be safe than sorry.” His tone was firm and held a finality to it that told me I wasn’t getting out of this.
Looks like I was making a trip to the doctor’s. Yippee. If I never went to the doctor again it would be too soon. I felt like I practically lived there for a year of my life. When I fully recovered from surgery, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I thought I was free of waiting rooms and doctors’ visits. Free of being poked and prodded. But that hadn’t really been the case since I still had to be monitored closely. However, that I could deal with. Those visits were scheduled. I could plan for them, gear up and get myself in the right mindset. This was different. This was unexpected. A curve ball thrown at me when I wasn’t looking. A cheap shot. It was underhanded and unfair. The bratty girl inside of me rose up, causing self-pity to gain hold of me. I shook it off, mentally chastising myself. We didn’t even know anything yet.
Before getting cancer there wasn’t much that threw Dad and I. When I woke up feeling ill we always assumed it was just a virus and would run its course. Dad would instruct me to lie in bed and drink plenty of liquids. He’d buy me popsicles and Gatorade, and I’d nestle in bed, grateful for a few days of reprieve from school. Days where I had an excuse to do nothing more than read my books and get lost in fictional worlds. A few times over the years the sickness would get worse instead of better, so Dad would take me in. I would be diagnosed with strep or an ear infection or something – nothing a round of antibiotics couldn’t fix. And within days of feeling better, the illness would be nothing but a distant memory. Certainly not something I would worry about. But cancer had changed us. Now every symptom caused panic. Every off-day a reason for concern. Quite simply, we’d become paranoid. And not just us. It had rubbed off on Cooper and Skyler too. It was like an infectious disease that way.
Speaking of which, I glanced at Dad who was leaning against the wall near the doorway of my room. “Fine. I’ll go to the doctor, but you have to promise me one thing.”
“Okay.” He looked a little wary, but I knew he’d agree.
“We’re keeping this between us for now.” I pushed off the dresser, whirling away from my reflection. “I mean, I’ll have to tell Skyler I’m not going to school, but I can lie and say I have the flu or something. But Cooper never has to know anything.” I bit my lip. “You know, unless….” I didn’t need to finish. Dad understood.
He nodded. “Yeah. I think that’s for the best. He worries so much already.”
His words stopped me cold. He was right. Cooper did worry. But how did he know that? I spun toward him, my eyes narrowed. “What makes you say that?”
Dad’s eyes flashed. His hand flew up to his neck, his hand wrapping it around as he scratched the skin. It was what he did when he was nervous. “Um…well, I just know the guy. Plus, you’ve told me that he worries.”
“Dad?” I pressed. “Have you talked to Cooper lately?”
The flicker over his features betrayed the truth. Dropping his hand, he sighed like he’d been caught. “He called me one night. It was the night that Mr. Smith asked you to be the newspaper editor. Apparently he’d been trying to get ahold of you, but you weren’t answering your phone.”
I nodded, remembering. “Yeah, he did call multiple times, and I did sense something was off when we spoke.”
“He forgot you had a meeting at the paper, and so he started thinking the worst and sorta panicked, I guess,” Dad explained. “He felt embarrassed, so he asked me not to say anything. He meant well, pumpkin.”
“I know. I’m not upset or anything.” I ran a hand over my head. “It just confirms my decision to not tell him anything yet.”
“Agreed.” Dad stood tall. “I’m going to call the doctor. Why don’t you lie down and rest?”
“Gladly.” There was nothing I wanted more than to crawl into bed, covers up to my chin. A chill ran through me as I lowered my body down onto my clean sheets. After snuggling in, I pulled out my cell phone and shot off a text to Skyler letting her know that I was staying home today.
Her reply came almost immediately.
Skyler: R u ok?
Me: Yes. Just a virus. No big deal.
Skyler: U sure?
Me: Positive.
I felt bad for lying, but there was no reason to worry her.
Skyler: Ok. Let me know if you need anything. I can bring by soup later.
Me: No, it’s ok.
Realizing that was probably suspicious, I typed quickly.
Me: I don’t want you catching it.
Skyler: Ok. Keep me posted.
Me: I will.
Exhaling, I tossed the phone next to me on the bed. God, I couldn’t even imagine how my conversation would go with Cooper if I texted him. He’d probably jump on a plane today. A part of me was tempted by that. It would be nice to have him by side. The truth was that fear had snaked around my heart and was squeezing pretty damn hard. As much as I wanted to believe the doctors wouldn’t find anything, I wasn’t entirely confident. The symptoms were too similar. I closed my eyes, feeling overwhelmed.
I considered myself fortunate to have beaten the cancer twice already. But it wasn’t easy. Every day I had felt like I was faced with this giant, insurmountable mountain. And each morning I had to choose to climb it. Some days I took it on with strength and vigor, but other days I crumpled at the bottom, knowing that the only way up was to be carried. On those days I relied heavily on Cooper and my dad.
I’ll never forget the first time I relapsed. How disappointed I was. How I felt like a failure.
I didn’t want to feel that way again. And more importantly, I didn’t want Cooper to feel that way. He’d given me his bone marrow, and he was away at college thinking it worked. Thinking I was getting better; that a part of his body had healed me. If we find out that it didn’t, what would he do? How would he feel?
Feeling sick, I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillow. Desperate prayers tumbled from my lips. I just hoped it was enough.
CHAPTER 8
Cooper
I totally choked at practice tonight.
I played like shit, and it was all London’s fault.
She hadn’t been acting like herself lately. Something wasn’t right, and it scared the shit out of me. She’d been distant and standof
fish. When we spoke, she always seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. And we hadn’t skyped in a week. She kept saying that her internet was having issues, but I could tell she was lying. It was clear in her inflections, the way her voice rose slightly at the end of her sentences. Clearly she was underestimating how well I’d paid attention to her. I knew her better than she thought. I could read her like a book. Like those damn books her nose was always pressed in. I’d studied her just as carefully, and I sure as hell knew when she was lying.
There was one other time when she behaved like this, and that knowledge sickened me. It had been both times she’d gotten sick. Twice when she found out she had cancer she’d pulled away from me. Even though she promised she would keep me in the loop when it came to her health, I had the sneaking suspicion she wasn’t. It would be just like her to hide this information from me. She was like that, always trying to protect everyone else, to shield them from her illness. As if it only needed to affect her. As if she could shoulder it alone.
God, she was so damn stubborn.
Sometimes I found it endearing, but not right now. Right now I wanted to know the goddamn truth.
And frankly, I deserved it. This didn’t only affect her, it affected me too. Hell, it was my bone marrow that saved her. And I was her boyfriend, the guy who loved her more than anything. I shouldn’t be kept in the dark. It wasn’t fair.
For the millionth time I wished I was back home. Wished I wasn’t so far away. It didn’t help that Ace was still giving me shit and Justin was still kicking me out of my own dorm room several nights a week. Sometimes I felt like an intruder here. And what London was doing sure as hell didn’t help matters.
Angry, I groaned, slamming my hand into the wall. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure who I was upset with anymore. There were so many suspects – the cancer, London, Ace, Justin, myself, this college, my circumstances.
“Whoa. What’s up with you?”
