by H P Steven
“Yeah,” Hannah yelled back. “Where are you?”
“I’m sitting on the toilet, ha ha. Do you need me to come along?” I asked.
“Nah, should be fine.”
“Okay, I need to head down to the overlander soon. If you want someone to walk with?” I asked.
“Nah, should be fine. I’m heading out now.”
“Okay I’ll catch you later.”
I hear the front door close moments later and I drop my towel and climb beneath the water. I thought to myself. Stuff it I’ll head over now.
Washing myself down quickly, I get out , dry off quickly. Chucking on some clean clothes and grabbing my keys and heading out to the train station. I quickly text Greg.
Hey bro be there with in thirty mins, fire up the coals :-)
Heading down Putney hill the town is still jammed with people everywhere. I saw Mike talking to Hannah outside of Sainsbury’s, but I turned into the train station and just waved at them.
Heading to Greg and Linda’s I got off at their station. Ilseworth. I walked around the corner to discover they’re both sitting in the pub. The Woodlands Tavern, waiting for me. As I walked in I noticed Iva walking up to me saying.
“Up unky Phi, up!” Iva giggled.
“Ha ha, she’s getting better,” I said, to Linda laughing and picking her up Iva
who proceeds to wipe her snotty face on my cheek. Great kid, just what I needed to start my day with.
“Ha ha, it’s okay” I told Linda
“My nieces do the same thing.”
“Here’s a napkin bro,” Greg announced, handing me a napkin.
“Thanks man, how are you?” I asked wiping the fleecy snot bubbles from my cheek. Still smiling at the look on Linda’s face. Linda still looking at me with surprise and shock. “It’s okay.”
“Hey do you want me to take her home?” Linda asked Greg.
“You guys don’t have to leave, we could have lunch here if you like,” I replied.
“Nah we’ve got the BBQ started and just popped over to get some wine and beer,” Greg said. “Linda wanted to take Iva for a walk,” Greg added.
“Ah cool, I’ll pay for the beer and you can get the wine, bro,” I suggested.
“Sounds like a plan,” Greg agreed.
I gave Iva a kiss on her cheek and poked my tongue out at her and hand her back to Linda.
“Hey, if you guys are here who’s taking care of the BBQ?” I asked.
“Ah, we’ve got Linda’s brother here and a friend of hers Lacy. She’s single as well bro,” Greg declared.
“Just what I need bro. Another woman in my life,” I joked.
“Oh something to tell us Phil?” Linda asked.
“Maybe,” I replied.
“So she got a name bro, or does she have a penis?” Greg asked.
“Funny one, Linda has Greg always been this funny or did he become funny after he met you?” I asked. She laughed it off before I replied. “I met someone last night and spent the night with her. The only penis she had was the one stuck in her back, while she was trying to sleep. That lives between my legs,” I joked.
“Oh, that’s more than we needed to know bro.” Greg laughed.
“Hey is that the one you met in Croatia?” Linda asked.
“What? How do you guys know about her?” I asked, them both. Both now looking at me waiting for me to say something, I let them know. “No. That’s Anna, whom I met in Croatia. She had a family thing in NZ and I haven’t spoken to her. Apart from a couple of texts and a brief moment before she left,” I declared.
“I met Kalliope last night at Hannah’s work function and we hit it off. So, I don’t really-know what’s happening there either. I’ve basically stuffed up, haven’t I. But, that’s enough about me lets go get our grub on.”
We left the pub. Carrying wine a carton of beer, and a little girl poking her tongue out at me.
“If the wind direction changes you might be stuck like that Iva,” I joked. Iva just laughed it off and snuggled her head into her mother’s shoulder.
“So what’s happening with you two, set a date yet?” I asked.
“Greg’s got to ask me first Phil,” Linda replied.
“Come on bro, we’ve only had the one kid. Travelled the world together and have two properties, one in each hemisphere. I really don’t want to rush into anything.” Linda and I, both laughed.
“Fair enough bro,” I replied.
“Hope you’re hungry?” Linda asked me.
“I could eat, had a massive breakfast and Hannah told me off. But it made me even hungrier.” I joked.
“Good bro, cause we had a problem with our freezer so we’ve got a lot to cook,” Greg responded.
“Challenge accepted,” I replied.
“Hey Iva,” I whispered as Linda turned to me, to show me that she had fallen asleep. “Wow, that kid can sleep anywhere.”
“Yeah man, she’s good. We went to Italy when you guys were in Croatia and she was awesome on the flight,” Greg replied. “Slept through most of it, but ran around the hotel when we were trying to check in. Was a pretty flash place and I think a few other people staying their might have said something,” Greg added.
“Though the staff were awesome to us,” Linda declared.
“So tell me about your friend Linda. Just in case it ends badly with these two other ladies,” I replied.
Linda just laughed. “I don’t think so Phil.”
“Fair enough,” I added. As they both started laughing. “Finally, have you guys moved further away?” I asked.
“Nah, it’s just the carton you’re carrying. You’ve gotten lazy since you picked up the pen bro,” Greg joked.
“Oh that makes a lot of sense, but even still. Next time I’ll offer to buy the wine,” I replied turning the corner at the end of their drive way and walking into their backyard.
“Hey you remember Paul aye Phil?” Linda asked.
As I put the carton down on the nearest empty seat.
“Yeah. Hey man, how’ve you been?” I asked Paul.
“Good Phil, still remember the last time we went out?” Paul asked, holding out his hand to be shaken.
“Yeah and I don’t want to talk about it,” I laughed. Clasping his hand in a friendly handshake.
“So did you ever see that married woman you were making out with ever again?” Paul asked.
“Married woman?” Lacy remarked coming out of the house and just over hearing that part.
“Yeah Phil and I were at the Fez Club a few months ago, and there was a bridal party there,” Paul announced.
“Nothing happened and they all lived happily ever after, the end,” I quickly added.
“Oh so you did see her again?” Lacy laughed.
“Yeah once or twice,” I added pretending not to see Lacy giving me a filthy look. “What? You can’t judge me. Till you get to know me, isn’t that right Linda?”
“I want no part of this conversation. I’m going inside to put Iva down for a nap,” Linda replied.
“Ha, can’t be trusted,” Lacy joked, pointing her finger at me.
“Your boyfriends a lucky man Lacy,” I joked. “Anyway my names Phil and it’s great to meet you.”
“Don’t look at me. Nice to meet you too,” Lacy replied.
“All right Greg what needs doing mate?” I asked.
“Um, just set the table I reckon.”
“What table?” I asked.
“The picnic table in the lounge bro,” Greg replied.
“Oh, and here I was thinking we’d be eating on one outside. But all good.”
I wandered in to see Linda and asked her where everything was, so I could set the table. As Paul, Greg and Lacy stood around outside drinking around the BBQ.
Meeting Linda in the lounge. It didn’t take us that long to set up the table.
“Would you like another beer Phil?” Linda asked as I stepped into the kitchen to help carry out a couple of salads.
“Yea
h that’ll be great,” I replied.
As she handed me a beer, and asked, “So what’s the story with Anna, is she a big deal?”
“I don’t know Linda, she’s pretty cool. But I just don’t know,” I replied.
Linda eyeing me suspiciously. “Well, you look different when I mentioned her name.” Linda said.
“Oh okay Linda, thanks,” I shrugged. “Tables set. Hey Linda, what’s happening next weekend for Iva’s birthday party?”
“Um, pretty much a BBQ and a few friends heading over to do pretty much this,” Linda replied. “A bunch of kids and Greg is thinking about getting a bouncy castle for the adults?”
“Ha, that’ll be cool,” I laughed.
“So who you gonna bring?” Linda asked trying to hide the smile on her face horribly.
“Not sure who will be in town,” I replied.
“You’re a shocker,” Linda laughed.
“Yeah but luckily. I’m useless at relationships, but my dance moves smooth it all out,” I joked. Both of us laughed and pushed each other through the gap in the sliding door back outside. “Hey you guys and Lacy the tables set. Have you burnt everything yet Greg?”
“Nah five more minutes’ man,” Greg replied.
“Oh good, so you’ll be getting next weekend catered then Linda?” I joked.
“Yeah, I’ll do most the cooking I think.” Linda laughed. “But, you’re in charge of the cake,” Nudged me like I should have known.
“Yeah no worries, I’ll slap something together,” I replied.
“She likes Dora the explorer,” Greg declared.
“Who?”
“Dora the explorer!” They all shouted.
“Okay, okay I’ll google it.”
“Yeah no penises for my daughters third birthday cake thanks,” Linda remarked.
“Oh! Was it you who made the 30th birthday penis cake for Greg?” Lacy asked.
“Yeah.”
“That was one of the funniest things, I’ve ever seen and such a great night. Why weren’t you there?” Lacy asked.
“I was on my way to Croatia, so unfortunately had to miss it. But, I’ll be here next weekend to party, for sure,” I replied.
“Yeah, Phil’s a horrible dancer. Tells the worst jokes and has a thing for the running man dance moves.” Greg laughed.
“So please ladies try to resist,” I insisted. Lacy and Linda looked at each other laughing. A little too loudly I thought. “Should be a great day,” I added.
“All right everyone let’s eat,” Greg announced.
“Yip the salads are all on the table, bread, just need the snags and steaks,” I remarked. All of us heading back inside and I fended off Lacy. Laughing, when she tried to tackle me into the doorway. “Where the hell are you from?” I asked.
“Must be a south islander my flatmates the same,” I added.
“Oh yeah, let Hannah and Devin know. They’re both more than welcome to come along next week aye Phil,” Linda responded.
“Yeah, I told Hannah earlier. They still don’t know what they’re doing yet,” I replied sitting down around the biggest indoor picnic table ever. “Oh man, this looks awesome. So what are you guys getting Iva,” I whispered, around the table.
“A colouring book,” Lacy replied.
“Oh wow, a colouring book, what does it come with colouring pens or pencils,” I joked, making fun of Lacy.
“What if it does,” Lacy remarked.
“And Paul?” I asked.
“Um, not sure yet, but I guess a colouring books out?” Paul commented.
“We’ve got the stuff from all the relatives all ready. Not sure, I’ve seen a colouring book?” Linda said to Greg and smiling at Lacy.
“No haven’t seen one just yet,” Greg replied.
“And what are you getting her, oh great gift buyer for the young people,” Lacy teased.
“Well Lace, if I may call you Lace?” I asked.
“You can’t,” Lacy added.
“Okay,” I shrugged. “I plan on thinking up something better than a colouring book. But, I’ll get something sorted,” I said. I mean how hard could it be to buy a gift for a three-year-old.
“Just do the cake and we’ll call it even Phil,” Linda responded trying to steer the conversation away from a colouring book.
Just then, we could hear Iva coughing on the baby monitor. So we were either being way to loud. Thanks to Lacy or we had said the magic word, Dora. And she had overheard it.
“So what have you got on for the rest of the afternoon Phil?” Greg asked.
“Not a lot, might head home and then catch up with Kalliope later on man. Whys that?” I asked back.
“Um no reason, we’re probably gonna have a few here, and call it a night,” Greg replied.
“But hey, I’ll be back next weekend for the party from Narm. Anyway, I’ve still got time for a couple more beers and another steak sandwich,” I added. “So who gets to sleep on Lumpy blue tonight?”
Lumpy blue was Linda and Greg’s fold out futon couch. It was the funniest piece of furniture, any one of us had ever owned. And at least ninety percent of the people they had ever met had probably slept on it.
“I’ll probably head back to Putney when you leave bro,” Paul replied.
“Ah so the lucky winner is, Lacy,” I joked.
“Um yeah, I might as well,” Lacy commented.
Just then Linda walked in with little Iva. Yawning and looking at everyone smiling at her.
“Hey guys, she wanted to quickly say hello. She was standing in her crib staring at me as soon as I walked into the room Greg,” Linda declared, so we all could hear.
“Good luck you two.”
“Ah she’ll be making breaks for it every now and again if she can lift herself up,” I joked.
“Maybe to find her favourite colouring book,” Lacy suggested as we all started laughing.
“Wow, okay enough about the colouring book,” I insisted. Linda and Greg just laughed. “Let’s have another drink, I got so much on this afternoon. No point trying to write sober,” I announced.
“What do you mean write?” Lacy asked.
“Oh Phil here, got someone to pay him money so he could take the rest of his time, he has left on his working visa off. And sit around and try and produce a book,” Greg responded.
“Yip, and I’ve been writing for years so ever since I got the chance. Just a few months ago before I went to Croatia. I decided to pack in the job and become a man of leisure and write occasionally. It’s been awesome. But it’s been really hard work. I’d already done several chapters and outlined the rest and sent in a synopsis to an agent that set everything up.” I
Making sure Linda knew I wasn’t taking the piss, as I didn’t want that to get back to Audrey.
“That’s cool,” Lacy said.
“Yeah and I’ll get more chances to pop over here and hang out with Iva, and build block castles,” I smiled
“So, what’s your book about?” Lacy asked.
“Oh we’re not allowed to ask,” Linda announced.
“Yeah we don’t want to jinx him,” Greg joked.
“Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Paul mocked.
I held up my hands in defense “Hey I don’t make the rules guys, so don’t try to ask me and just let me write it,” I said.
“So how long you gonna hang around for Phil?” Paul asked. “There’s a train at five, so gives us all a few more hours.”
“How bout we just share a cab, gorse pockets?” I responded. “I need to be home about six, so I can tidy up before heading, well to heading down the hill.”
They all eyed me suspiciously. Till Linda remembered Kalliope.
“So tell us about Kalliope, Phil. What’s she like?” Linda asked.
“Kalliope, is that the married ladies name?” Lacy asked.
“No, Kalliope’s the girl I met at my housemate’s work function. There’s is no married lady, aye Paul.”
Eyeing Paul up like wh
y did you have to open your trap, trying not to laugh. “But we’re catching up tonight,” I added.
“She seems pretty cool and down to earth. Finds me hilarious but what women wouldn’t and is the craziest dancer. Yet she’s really good fun. I also like that she makes me smile and we can have a laugh. Woo hang on, I’m starting to get a bit deep on an empty bottle,” I declared. Getting up and offer to get others another beer. They all said yes apart from Linda.
“Hey Lacy did you want a wine while I’m in the fridge?” I asked.
“No that’s okay, I’ll have a beer with the boys,” Lacy replied.
“Too easy, and Iva, would you like a fruit juice your Highness” I asked.
She laughed at me with her big brown eyes and fell over giggling.
“Linda, fruit juice? It’s yours so I’m offering,” I joked.
“Yeah all right, but not too much. I’ll have a wine later with Lacy,” Linda replied.
“There you go everybody,” I remarked, as I sat back down on the fold out deck chair and opened the beer and took a sip. Suddenly noticing the picture of Greg on a wave in New Zealand.
“Hey Greg, is that the picture I took of you at Jeffery’s bay, J bay? It looks like a massive wave, bro,” I said.
“Yeah, little do people know aye, and I tell them it was a pretty big wave as well,” Greg laughed.
“How big was it?” enquired Paul.
“It was tiny and really close to the beach and just bottomed out to make it look way bigger than what it actually was. I think the waves were about 1-1 1/2 feet that day and this pic makes it look about a decent five foot swell,” I laughed. Both laughing and agreed, “It was a good day out.”
“Jeffery’s bay in New Zealand?” Lacy asked.
“Yeah, we named it after a skiing mate of mine that unfortunately had an accident in Japan, Mark Jeffery.” Greg explained.
“Oh man, we should go out for a surf down in Cornwall soon. Pop down for a weekend. I’ll get to make sandcastles with little Iva it’ll be mean,” I suggested.
“Yeah man, we’ll try and tee something up,” Greg replied.
“Some of us have jobs and can’t just leave willy nilly,” Lacy remarked.
“Oh, so you’d come if we invited you? “I asked.
Who just looked at me silently annoyed.
“Of course we would invite you Lacy. I’ve never met you before but a trip without you wouldn’t be a trip. So what do you do for work?” I asked.
