by H P Steven
“Was talking to Phil about his love life.” Linda smiled.
“Wow, that’s a short conversation.” Greg laughed.
“Hey! No your probably right,” I said as I sulked off towards Audrey and Meredith.
“Hey you two, nice to see you again Meredith. I still haven’t heard from your assistant Audrey.”
“Yeah she’ll text you on Monday. We’re about to go say bye to Linda and Greg and head off,” Audrey announced.
Meredith hands, me Iva.
“Nice to see you again as well, here’s the birthday girl. She looks like she wants you to read some more.” Meredith smiled.
“I’ll see you around, take it easy,” I replied heading over to the table with Iva, who’s reaching out smiling trying to grab another Dr Seuss book for me to read to her. Just as she leaned out to grab it. I can see all the parents looked at me possibly wondering where all their kids are.
“Oh no it could be story time again,” I laughed at Greg.
Just as Paul’s missus Kylie walked in through the back door.
“Hey Phil, hi birthday girl,” Kylie said taking Iva from me, giving her a big kiss. “Where’s Paul and Lacey?” Kylie asked.
“Oh, we put them both to bed in Greg and Linda’s bed as they’re both massively intoxicated,” I replied.
“At a three-year olds birthday party?” Kylie laughed.
“Yeah someone had too, I guess,” I remarked just as Greg goes to his room to try and wake up Paul. With Kylie and I following for a laugh. As we opened the door we a greeted with Lacey’s snoring and Paul’s drooling. Not a pretty sight. Funnily enough Kylie thought this was a perfect photo opportunity. Then took one snap of this scene on her phone and luckily sent me a copy.
“Hey do you want a drink?” Greg asked Kylie
“Yeah that’ll be great thanks Greg,” Kylie insisted.
“Be back soon,” Greg replied.
“Hey I’m gonna go back and read to Iva, these two are all yours,” I joked.
Laughing, and leaving the room.
“Funky Phil read this one!” Iva yelled.
As Iva throws a book my way but unfortunately hits a little toddler, who surprisingly starts laughing.
“Wow that was a close one,” I remarked.
As Linda, had just seen what had happened. And now walking towards Iva, who knew she’d done something wrong by the look on her mum’s face.
“Hey Phil, you take her and go read for a while. I’m gonna keep an eye on this one. Who will no doubt will start crying any second now,” Linda replied.
As I took Iva back outside picking up the Dr Seuss book she threw.
While the parents are, all looking at me,
“Hey ladies and gents, I’m about to read to Iva again. If you want your children to join us, bring them over now,” I announced. I’d never seen a bunch of parents move so fast. “But, hey it’ll cost you a beer every fifteen minutes,” I declared.
With them all laughing, and finally agreeing.
“There you go bro,” Greg said handing me a beer. I spent the next hour and half, drinking beer and reading books to a bunch of toddlers. At last count three fell asleep, two pooped themselves and four of them needed changing, not including those who pooped.
Also, that Paul wasn’t happy when he saw the pic. Though I still think the video is a lot funnier. After Kylie showed me what she had done when Greg and I left the room.
It was so much fun catching up with Iva. She licked her fluffy Disney toys, she still used my sleeves as a hanky. The day seemed to drag on forever, so when the parents starting to pick up their kids and take them inside so the guys could take the bouncy castle down I took my opportunity to call Kalliope. Taking my phone from my pocket I noticed the battery was almost flat, so I picked up Iva and took her inside.
“Hey Linda, can I borrow your phone please?”
Handing her Iva
“Yeah sure Phil, it’s just in the kitchen,” Linda replied.
“Ah cheers,” walking into the kitchen to ring Kalliope’s landline phone.
“Hello, happy birthday,” I said.
“Well, hello, I’m drunk,” Kalliope replied. “When are you coming over?” Kalliope asked.
‘Um, I’m a few hours away yet,’ I said.
‘What, why?’ Kalliope remarked.
‘Just helping the bouncy castle guys out and reading to Iva,’ I said.
‘Oh, so you coming now?’ Kalliope asked.
‘Ha, I’ll be there in a few hours,’ I said. ‘Keep your eyes on Mr T, tell him not to try anything,” I laughed.
‘I’ll try, hurry up and get over here,’ Kalliope snapped, before quickly hanging up.
Luckily at the same time, Linda poked her head into the kitchen.
“Hey Phil, you gonna be long? Greg wants another beer?” Linda declared.
“Nah all done, I’ll take it to him, then get started on these dishes,” I announced.
“You don’t have to do that, just go have a beer, I’ll get started then you can take over,” Linda laughed.
“Yeah won’t be long,” I joked taking Greg, a beer.
“Hey bro how’s it all going?” I asked.
As Greg took the beer I offered him. We both stood there enjoying a beer each watching the guys take down the bouncy castle.
“Far out, I can’t believe Lacey or Paul didn’t throw up on that thing. Must have a fair bit of dribble on it,” I joked.
“Yeah I wiped it down with a towel, I think Lacey might have had a little spew on it,” Greg announced.
“Ha brilliant,” I grinned taking a sip of beer.
“Hey Phil, you might want to get back in here!” Linda yelled.
“Yeah okay, I’ll be in soon.”
“No, you need to get back in here now!” Linda yelled.
“What’s going on?” I yelled back.
“Bro, you should probably just get in there,” Greg insisted.
Walking inside I heard.
“So, Phil tells us you’re no good in the sack.”
“What the hell!” I yelled. As I get to the kitchen and Lacey and Paul have pressed redial and are talking to Kalliope, my heart sinks.
“What the hell are you two doing!” I yelled. “That’s not in the least bit funny!” I added.
“What’s going on in here?” Kylie asked joining us in the kitchen as I tried and take the phone away from Paul.
“Hey Kalliope,” I begged. “I’m really sorry about these two idiots,” I added.
“Save it, I don’t think you should come over,” Kalliope replied.
“Hey, it’s not my fault,” I insisted.
“Just save it! I thought you said you’d be respectful, that was your thing,” Kalliope remarked.
“It is, I have no idea what these two idiots have said but I promise they’ve never heard anything from me,” I insisted, repeatedly down the phone. Till it went quiet for a second.
“Just fuck off!” Kalliope yelled. Slamming the phone down loud enough that everyone in the kitchen could hear what she said and how hard she slammed the phone.
“Wow, I’ll hold his arms behind his back, you just hit him,” Kylie insisted.
“What the hell?” I asked sinking down with my head in my hands and sitting on the floor.
“Well, you shouldn’t take photos of people when they’re sleeping,” Lacey said.
“You’ve got to be kidding?” Kylie muttered. “That was me, I took the photo,” Kylie added.
“Oh crap,” Lacey whimpered. “Then Paul stuffed up,” Lacey added.
“Do you think you can save it Phil?” Kylie asked.
“Maybe,” I said.
“Hey what happened?” Greg asked, walking into the kitchen. I explained everything. Greg sent the two idiots outside for a time out, and told Linda to not worry about the dishes and have a drink with Kylie.
“Hey Phil come and check this out man,” Greg insisted.
“Yeah man what is it?” I asked standing up fr
om the kitchen floor and following Greg into his and Linda’s bedroom. Watching as Greg goes to one of his draws and pulls something out. “Hey if that’s Linda’s dildo I’d rather not see it thanks bro,” I joked.
“Nah man check it out, Meredith put it in a kids dvd cover,” Greg declared.
“Oh cool a dvd, wow shot bro,” I said.
“Shut up dick. Take a look at what’s inside the cover,” Greg insisted.
Walking over, I took a look at what seems like a white powdery substance in a bag. Just inside the dvd case. Greg pulls out a mirror and turns to me.
“You need cheering up brother and I know the thing,” Greg declared. Pouring a little bit out on to the mirror and starts cutting up lines.
“Yeah, I’m not too sure about this one aye bro,” I eyed him cautiously.
“Nah all good man,” Greg remarked handing me a rolled up twenty-pound note.
“Ha, if I nut out its on you brother,” I insisted.
***
An hour later. Feeling like my teeth were numb and clapping them up and down. Hanging out drinking with Greg, Helping Linda clean up as most the kids and parents were starting to head off. Drinking and not being able to get drunk was a different experience. I had forgiven Paul and Lacey.
In fact, at one stage I was talking to Linda about how I’m a bit like good luck chuck when it comes to the ladies. It seemed like every time I meet someone they seem to land on their feet and meet someone quite incredible next. Which made it even funnier when Lacey grabbed me while I was talking to Linda and tried to shove her tongue down my throat?
“Ha, she’s gonna wound up meeting the love of her life now Linda,” I insisted.
“And you assure us that’s not you?” Linda asked.
“Nah she can do much better,” I laughed. “Poor bloke,” I added.
“Well, if it’s not you, then who?” Linda asked.
“Who knows,” I replied.
“Hey man how are you feeling?” Greg asked.
“Good man. Can’t get drunk what’s that about?” I asked.
“Yeah its good aye. Helps out when you have a huge night as well,” Greg joked.
“Well, won’t be trying it again bro, anyway, do you want another beer?” I asked.
“Yeah sounds good,” Greg replied.
As I headed off to the kitchen to grab a couple beers out of the fridge.
“Hey Phil,” Paul said.
“Hey bro, how you feeling?” I asked.
“Yeah pretty shitty man, sorry bout earlier again,” Paul insisted.
“Bro it happens, you guys were pretty drunk. You may have done me a favour.”
“Really?” Paul asked.
“No, no not at all,” I joked taking a couple of beers from the fridge and walking over to Greg.
“Thanks mate, grab a seat,” Greg added. Soon Linda brought out some left-over food for us to eat.
“Thanks Linda.”
With everyone reaching in helping themselves.
“Hey, Iva how you holding up?” I asked as she rolled around on the floor staring up at the ceiling laughing.
“Yeah she’s been really good today. The parents were pretty stoked with you looking after and reading to all the kids,” Linda said.
“Yeah no worries, I did hear a rumour that Audrey was telling them. They now had to buy my book.”
With everyone laughing.
“Oh man what a day, relationship ruined by those two,” I remarked. Pointing at Lacey and Paul. “And tired from hanging out with toddlers, how do people not know how they drain your super powers,” I joked.
“Yeah, but they’re great fun, you’ll see,” Linda replied
“Let’s give her a bath and put her to bed Linda,” Greg agreed putting his beer down on to the table.
“Yeah sounds good, you guys hang here. It won’t take long,” Linda said.
“They’ll be gone a good hour,” Kylie insisted making us all laugh in agreement.
We sat there and drank till at least eleven, laughing and having a great time. In some ways, we didn’t want it to end. Though I was ready to go home. I went into the kitchen and rang the taxi service, walking back into the lounge
“Hey Paul if you want to press redial you’ll get the taxi company,” I laughed.
“Yeah thanks man, we’ll probably spend the night,” Paul said.
“Yeah no worries.” Going back to my seat and opening a beer I grabbed from the fridge.
“Hey guys great to see you all again. Let’s catch up for a beer or lunch sometime soon,” I said, to Greg and Linda.
“Yeah bro, when are you catching up with Audrey next?” Greg asked.
“Ah find out Monday bro,” I said.
“Yeah cool, let’s try in a couple of weeks,” Greg suggested.
“Yeah man, whenever you guys are free aye.”
“Sounds good Phil. We’ll bring a couple of books for you to entertain Iva,” Linda added.
“Yeah absolutely.” I laughed.
“Hey bro, your taxi’s here,” Paul said.
“Cool man, thanks” I replied getting up, and finishing the beer. “Ha, still stone cold sober, shot bro,” I joked shaking Greg’s hand. “Take care,” I said. Kissing Linda on the cheek. “Thanks for today guys.”
Smiling at the both of them. “Paul, Lacey, try and behave, see you next time.” “Take care Kylie catch you next time” I added. Before I left and jumped into the taxi.
Thinking I was going to go home, but when my ass hit the seat I found myself saying, “Too Thai Square on Lower Richmond Road in Putney please.”
Checking my pockets, I had a bit of cash on me. Well enough for the taxi and a couple of beers. I also had a phone number— from of all people Meredith. What’s this about I sat there and thought to myself. Also, had my flat phone, thinking I should have asked Linda if she had a charger.
Oh, well blame the coke. I thought.
Finally getting there, I thought to myself. I’ll only go in for a few beers then walk home, except for taking a sneaky peek down Kalliope’s Street. The line as per usual on a weekend was long. So, I walked over to the front door and talked to the bouncer again. Who laughed at me and told me to go straight in, but I stood there and thanked him for the birthday table I had forgotten to say anything that night. Or the night just been. Wandering inside I ran into Mike and Louise.
“Ha, hey you two what are you up to tonight?”
“Hey bro, aren’t you supposed to either be a one of two birthday parties?” Mike asked.
“Bro, don’t want to talk about it,” I replied.
“Well, we’re gonna hang out here for a few then head back to the flat for some shisha,” Mike declared.
“More than welcome to get your apple sour tobacco on,” Mike added.
“After tonight could be a plan,” I said.“So what do you two want to drink,” I asked. Heading up to the bar to get a few beers and taking them back to them.
“Argh, this tastes bloody good. what’s been happening today Louise?” I asked.
“Not much, I went on a lunch date today though,” Louise replied.
“Oh nice,” I said. “And how’d that go?” I added.
“Yeah good, but I don’t think I’ll see him again,” Louise responded.
“Oh okay,” I said with Mike shaking his head telling me not to ask. “Cool, how bout you Mike?” I asked.
“Oh man I went on a lunch date today with this bitch,” Mike started. With us all laughing even Louise.
“You’re not funny idiot,” Louise said, still laughing. Finishing off our drinks.
“Hey man, you heading over with us?” Mike asked.
“Yeah bro sounds good,” I said. We all left and headed to Louise’s and Mike’s flat.
“Hey bro, I’ll just go get the stuff sorted,” Mike said.
“Cool bro, I’ll just hang out with Louise,” I replied. Who seemed to be heading to the fridge and took me out a beer and one for herself as well.
“
There you go Phil,”
“Ah thanks Louise don’t mind if I do,” I replied sitting on the couch with Louise, she turned to me and suggested.
“You can spend the night up in my bed if you want to stay.”
Smiling I replied, “I’ll probably just have a smoke then head home, it’s been a long day. But thanks Louise.”
“Yeah okay, I’m gonna go to bed,” Louise said getting up, brushing my leg and heading up the stairs.
“Hey bro, what’s going on? Louise heading to bed?” Mike asked.
“Yeah man, hey bro I might skip the smoke tonight and head off,” I said.
“Yeah no worries Phil,” Mike said.
“But I’ve got your number and I’ll be back man,” I joked.
“Yeah bro, take it easy, catch up soon for sure,” Mike replied.
Leaving and heading up the main road I did have a sneaky look up Kalliope’s street. It was so good when I opened the front door to my place. Waking up the next morning with a Burger on my desk next to my phone charging was a new experience. To this day I have no idea where that burger came from. But, oh my god. It was cold but it was hands down the greatest burger I’ve ever had. Especially drinking as much as I did yesterday, yet still waking up feeling amazing apart from all the events that happened.
Not really thinking about what else could go wrong, just sorting out more pages to print out and getting ready to have a shower.
12
Where Would it Lead Me
Sunday came and went with a lot of blue powerade, writing and dodgy food.
“Hey bro, what’s been happening haven’t heard from you and Susan for ages,” I said down the phone to Cam.
“Yeah man, um. Susan’s mums in town at the moment so been busy. Hey can you do dinner on Tuesday or Wednesday night but keep Thursday morning free if everything goes well tonight, okay.”
“Yeah man, whys that, you popping the question or something?” I asked.
“Actually yeah, off to have lunch with Susan’s mum at her hotel today. Susan had to go and see a friend so I’m off to ask her permission,” Cam replied.
“Oh nice one bro going old school. Hope it goes well.”
“Yeah just don’t tell anyone,” Cam insisted.
“Yeah bro, let me know how it goes.”
“Yeah mate will do. What’s been happening with you?” Cam asked.
