Table of Contents
Disasters in Dating
Copyright
Disasters in Dating
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
SOS: Desiree
Chapter 5
SOS: Jayson’s Lyric
SOS: Brian’s Song
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
SOS: Mitchell
Chapter 8
SOS: Charles In Charge
Chapter 9
SOS: Frequent Flyer Miles
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Brink of Disaster
Disasters in Dating Playlist
Novels by Danielle Allen
Acknowledgements
Copyright © 2017 by Danielle Allen
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be copied, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, pirating, or by an information storage and retrieval system - except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a magazine, newspaper, or website – without permission in writing from the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Editor/Proofreader: Nerdy Girl Editing
Cover Design: Q Design Cover
Cover Photo Credit: Shutterstock
Formatting: CP Smith
Disasters in Dating
Dating is hard.
Dating online is hard.
Dating online in your thirties is hard.
Dating online in your thirties after being in a ten-year relationship is hard.
What’s not hard?
Meeting men who aren’t really single.
Having your time wasted.
Receiving unsolicited pictures of genitalia.
Said genitalia.
When did dating become so complicated?
I just want to find a nice, good looking man who replies to my entire text message and doesn’t text me “WYD” every hour. I just want to find a fun loving, intelligent man who doesn’t have a Master’s Degree in Cheating, Shenanigans and Tomfoolery—and isn’t fluent in lies. I just want to find a man who is actually the height he listed in his dating profile.
I jumped back into the dating scene with tempered expectations. I didn’t think all the men I would meet were going to be amazing, but I didn’t think so many of them were going to be disasters.
Dedication
Dedicated to everyone who has ever dated.
Dedicated to everyone who has ever online dated.
Dedicated to everyone I had to block over the course of writing this book.
Our happiness is a direct reflection of the choices we make and the people with whom we choose to involve ourselves. To a certain degree, the life we live is a sum of our choices.
We are a sum of our choices.
Choose wisely.
Chapter 1
I twisted to look at my ass in the mirror. The dark denim jeans hugged my curves and the cropped top made my B-cup breasts look deceptively large. The stark whiteness of my shirt made my skin glow. My thick, coarse hair was pressed and straightened, hanging in jet black waves past my shoulders. I spun around before putting in my white gold hoop earrings. I felt classy, but sexy. I felt nervous, but ready.
I was going on a coffee date.
Well, two coffee dates… back-to-back… today.
Two different men. Two different coffee dates. Two different coffee houses.
I’d been on the popular dating site TenderFish and after matching with several interesting and seemingly decent men in the city, my four best friends convinced me to set up a few lowkey dates with my favorite four on the upcoming Friday and Saturday. And all of a sudden, it was Friday, and I was nervous as hell. Although I’d been talking to the four men for a few days and they all seemed cool in their own way, I was a bit unnerved to be dating again.
“Desiree Johnson, get your gorgeous ass out here so we can see the finished product,” Nichelle yelled from the living room.
I exhaled. “Okay, here goes,” I mumbled uncertainly.
With one more glance at myself in the mirror, I took a deep breath and then walked out of my bedroom.
“Perfection! Absolute perfection!” Nichelle called out as I entered my living room. “The hair, the outfit, the makeup, that body, that face. You’ll have those boys eating out of the palm of your hand. Let me get a picture.”
Nichelle, with hair and makeup artistry skills and an eye for style, was the flirty fashionista of the group. She owned an online boutique which was where I got my sexy top. She also did my hair and makeup. Nichelle wasn’t just a flirty, fashion-loving, aspiring plus-size model, and former homecoming queen. She was a business woman and wife.
I posed playfully and laughed after the picture was snapped.
“Okay, I’m putting this online! This is too cute,” she stated, preoccupied with uploading the photo.
“Somebody’s getting some dick tonight,” Carmen started singing as she swung her hips in a circle. Dancing to the pop music video streaming from the TV, she threw in a couple of extra hip thrusts.
I laughed loudly. “Absolutely not! I’m not sleeping with anyone!”
She shrugged. “Don’t be so hasty! You could get there and…” She bent over and shook her ass, making it bounce.
I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. We all cracked up at her twerking.
Without a doubt, Carmen stood as the comic of the group. She always managed to crack a joke or do something silly to break the tension. The beautiful comedian had a sixth sense for recognizing the shift in mood, and she also knew how to brighten a room. If that wasn’t enough, our newly engaged, funny girl was an amazing singer. She was wildly inappropriate and a born star.
“I am not having sex with anyone today!” I yelled over the cackles of my friends.
“No sex on the first date. Statistically, sex on the first date doesn’t lead to long-term relationships because of the perception, not necessarily because of the sex itself,” Anika pointed out.
Our resident genius was beauty and brains personified. Although we jokingly referred to her as the mom of the group, at thirty, she was a few years younger than the rest of us. She graduated high school three years early and powered through her bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Being the youngest in most of her classes all her life resulted in her becoming quiet and shy in public settings. But the married Brainiac never shied away from pushing people toward love.
“I’m not having sex with anyone! I don’t know any of these guys well enough to have sex with them.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I know it’s been a while since I’ve had sex, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with the first guy I meet and get along with,” I said, placing my hands on my hips. “I’m a lady!”
“And a lady has needs,” Dyani replied, holding her hand up so Carmen could slap it. “Don’t fuck these coffee date guys after one cup of coffee. But if the coffee date goes long and turns into a dinner date…and the dinner date turns into a nightcap… You better cap the night off with some dick!”
The sound of laughter reverberated through the apartment and once we’d calmed down enough to speak, Dyani pulled out a lambskin condom—and the laughter started all over again.
“Just in case you need it,” she joked.
“Granola Girl is tryin
g to set you up for pregnancy and STDs with this expensive ass condom,” Carmen joked, picking up the condom between her fingers. “This is not one-night stand protection. You know better.”
The emphasis she put on the word “you” took the laughter to a deafening level.
Dyani, with her bare face and simple, but sleek, high ponytail was our all-natural, free spirited adventurer—or as Carmen called her, our Granola Girl. She was natural in so far as she didn’t wear makeup or color her hair. She made soaps from organic ingredients and ate only non-processed foods. She made Native American jewelry from materials purchased directly from reservations, paying homage to her indigenous roots. She was adventurous because she was always trying something new: rock climbing, sky diving, salsa lessons. The stay-at-home-mom of the last three years lived for adventure before she met, married, and had a child with her husband of just under four years. She was a travel blogger and spent the majority of each year, for seven years, in different parts of the world. Since she stopped, she’d get her fix by creating adventures for us.
Constantly pushing us out of our comfort zones, she was the reason we left the resort on our Girls’ Getaway trips. She was the reason we did the Polar Plunge. She was the reason I created an online dating account in the first place.
“Listen, you guys are the absolute best and worst friends a back on the market single woman could ask for.” I looked around at my friends, my best friends in the entire world, and smiled. “I appreciate you all rushing to be here to see me leave for my first date in twelve years.”
“Don’t think of it like that,” Nichelle said quickly, walking over to me. “This is a fresh start.”
“A new beginning,” Anika added.
When I looked at her, I saw a mixture of sadness, worry, pity, and hope. I did a double take and because she had turned to grab her drink, I couldn’t see the look anymore. But it stuck to me, stuck with me.
“Desi!” Nichelle called out, getting my attention back to her. I looked over at her, and she smiled. “You’re going to do great. Dating is like riding a bike.”
Carmen made a noise in the back of her throat. “Okay, I love you, Nichelle, but you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You’ve basically been married since college.” She looked at me and pointed. “Dating now is like riding a bike with a loose chain…and without a seat.”
“Well, damn,” Dyani elbowed Carmen. “We’re trying to hype her up, not psyche her out!”
“You’ve been off the market for like three and a half years now. You don’t understand how things have gone south,” Carmen countered before looking at me. “I’m doing you a favor by preparing you for the reality that’s out there. For every good catch, there are four fuckboys.”
“Those stats seem kind of high,” Anika chimed in, rubbing her chin.
I giggled. “If we’re counting all men who have ever lied, cheated, and played games…”
“Those who are always scheming on someone and something…” Dyani added, rolling her eyes.
Nichelle curled her lip in disgust. “And nothing is ever their fault.”
“Exactly,” I agreed with them both. “So, if we’re counting all men who have ever not known how to act as fuckboys, fuckboys have been around since the dawn of time. The name is new, but the behavior isn’t.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that. My cousin’s other grandfather, not the one we share, has a whole other family that no one talks about,” Anika agreed, nodding. “Clearly fuckboys aren’t new. But four out of five men on TenderFish being fuckboys seems high.”
Carmen looked at each of us like we’d lost our minds. “You are all so cute right now.” She shook her head before pointing into the center of her chest. “I was in this struggle recently. I was out here in these streets mixing and mingling, so I have a little more insight than you do.” She took a step toward me. “Desi, don’t listen to logic. Logic has to go out the window from this point forward. Listen to your gut. You will meet men who will tell you that you are everything they want and need in their lives. They will want to spend every single day with you. They will tell you they want to build a family with you. And because of their earnestness and their availability to see you all the time, logically, it would make sense to believe them. Because who offers up lies about wanting all of those things? I’ll tell you who… fuckboys. Because as soon as you believe the shit they say, you’ll find out that they have four kids by four different women and a pregnant fiancé.”
“Preach!” Nichelle exclaimed, waving her right hand in the air.
“Shut up!” Dyani laughed, slapping Nichelle across the back of her thigh. “You haven’t been single since we were teenagers!”
“Yes, but I know people who are single and they are in the struggle,” Nichelle argued, making a face. “And you don’t know my life!”
It was funny because we all knew each other’s lives. We’d been friends for a lifetime it seemed, and there were no secrets between us.
Dyani stuck her tongue out at Nichelle.
“Anyway,” Carmen continued, picking up her glass. “I’d like to kick off this toast by giving you my ten rules for dating. While you’re embarking on this strange new world, never forget these.”
“How important are these rules?” Nichelle asked, staring at the crumpled napkin in Carmen’s hand. “It looks like you wrote it on a napkin, so they can’t be that legit. Just saying.”
With a laugh, Carmen balled the napkin up in her hand and threw it at Nichelle. It missed and hit me instead.
“Hey!” I grabbed my arm. “I’ve been hit. Looks like I can’t go on these dates.”
“No, no, no! You’re fine!” Anika stated hurriedly. Her words were accompanied by that look.
I looked away quickly.
Checking her watch, Dyani grabbed her glass and stood up. “We should get started. You have to leave soon so you won’t be late.”
“I’ll start,” Nichelle announced, clearing her throat. “Desiree, we are so proud of you for getting back out there. Now is the time to have fun, to sow your wild oats, and to just live your life. You are happier than I’ve ever seen you, so don’t let anyone try to steal it away from you again.”
“We just want to see you happy and in love again, but this time with someone who deserves you,” Anika said softly, lifting her glass.
“We are so excited for this next phase of your life. You will probably meet lots of new men. You’ll probably have a rebound or two. You’ll probably meet a fuckboy or four. But you will always have us so you are never alone,” Dyani toasted with a soft smile.
“Okay, now for the most important pre-date information…” Carmen began, looking down at her phone and reading. “The ten online dating commandments are as follows:
1. Don’t date a fuckboy. Don’t fall for a fuckboy.
2. If it’s too good to be true, nine times out of ten, it is.
3. The block button is your friend. After you meet up with these guys, if you like them, cool. But if not, block them on the site. If he texts you soon after he gets your number and asks you to come see him, block him from your life.
4. Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. If it doesn’t add up, it’s probably a lie—even if it is the dumbest thing in the world to lie about, it’s still probably a lie.
5. Men will add a couple of inches to their height and their dicks, so be prepared to be disappointed.
6. If he asks you to send nudes, don’t. But if you send nudes, don’t show your face. And if you show your face, congratulations, you’re a porn star.
7. Look for tan lines on the ring finger. Married men love TenderFish.
8. Technology has made sex easy, but relationships hard. If you want sex, that’ll be out there in abundance. If you want a relationship, good fucking luck.
9. The men you think wouldn’t do you like that will do you like that.
10. Dating should be fun. If you’re not having fun, stop dating him!
There you ha
ve it. The Ten Online Dating Commandments.”
We laughed our asses off even though it was good advice.
“That’s what online dating taught you?” I asked through my giggles. “I’m second and third guessing if I should go on these dates!”
“How important would you say these rules are?” Dyani asked, amusement altering the pitch of her voice.
Carmen’s eyes widened. “In order of importance… One, God’s Ten Commandments. Two, Biggie’s Ten Crack Commandments. Three, Carmen’s Ten Online Dating Commandments.” She shrugged. “Easy. In that order.”
“You are a hot mess.” I looked around. “All of you are.” With my arms stretched wide, I waited until we were in a five-way hug. “Thank you so much for everything. For being here. For supporting me. For not letting me back out of this. For helping me pick the guys to go on a date with. Everything. You four are the absolute best, best friends a girl could ask for. I love you all so much.”
“We love you, too!” They didn’t say it in unison, but close enough.
“Okay enough of this mushy stuff,” Carmen said, wiping the corner of her eye as we backed out of the hug. “Someone change the subject so I don’t cry.”
“Are we really going to act like Desi didn’t go into her room a B-cup and come back out a double D?” Dyani asked, gesturing to my breasts.
I laughed so hard that I started coughing.
“I thought she was smuggling two Cornish hens to her coffee date,” Carmen remarked, wiping her eyes.
Chapter 2
Six-thirty on a Friday didn’t seem like a super busy time for the uptown coffee house, but it was packed. I nervously waited at a table in the back with a large latte in a to-go cup. I left my friends and my courage back in my apartment. I considered sneaking out the back and giving up on meeting a man from TenderFish.
I could just get up and walk out of here, and no one would know. I’ll just say it didn’t work out and if I leave, that wouldn’t be a lie. I feel sick. I feel—
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