by S. M. Soto
Not the fucking time.
I stare at her in complete awe as she closes the distance between our yards, until she’s standing in front of me, shifting from foot to foot.
“Hey,” she breathes and the soft lilt in her voice makes me want to pull her in my arms and kiss her until we’re both starving for breath. A gust of cool wind blows against her face causing a strand of her soft hair to tease her forehead.
“Hey, beautiful.”
She blushes profusely, nervously tucking stray hairs behind her ears. “Did you have a good day?”
I smirk, loving the effect I have on her. “Now I am. Did you?”
She smiles, and it makes my heart fucking ache blissfully. “It’s slowly getting better.”
God, I love this girl.
“Is it too early to wait for the stars?”
Her grin deepens. “It’s never too early.”
I pull her hand into mine, intertwining our fingers. She doesn’t tense, and she doesn’t fight me, instead, her little hand squeezes mine. I help her into the truck and make the short drive to the field. We sit in our usual spot, laying back on the blankets, staring at the colors blending in the sky.
“Did Myrah tell you about the BBQ she’s throwing?”
Only my cousin would throw a BBQ in the dead of winter. I’m pretty sure her parents dropped her on her head a few times. Myrah argued that although Decembers in Lakeport were cold, they weren’t too bad. She also said there was no rain in the forecast, so she busted out the gas lamps and set them up around the backyard to keep everyone relatively warm.
Bea nods her head, still intently focused on the canvas of the setting sun against the gloomy backdrop. “Yeah, she invited me, but I don’t know if I should go. I mean, I haven’t been around that many people in a long time. Maybe it would be better if I stayed home.”
I sit up, craning my neck toward her. She shifts that honey-green eyed gaze toward me, and suddenly I lose all focus. I absorb the emotion in her eyes, the fear, the anxiety—all of it. Pulling her hand into mine, I lightly trace my finger over the lines of her palm.
“Please come.” With my eyes, I beg her to show up for me. Her endless pools of hazel search mine, and I see the moment she makes a decision.
“Okay,” she whispers, a hint of a smile on her beautiful rosy lips. Bending down, I place my lips on hers, then a lingering kiss on her forehead, inhaling the strawberry and vanilla scent that still has the capacity to drive me insane.
I love you.
The words echo in my head, on a boisterous repeat, but I tamp them down. She’s not ready to hear them yet.
Pulling her into my arms, she rests her head on my chest and we watch as the sun goes down, pink hues blending to purple then a dark blue until slowly, the sky turns indigo and the stars twinkle in the sky, one by one. Tonight, the stars look like scattered moon dust in the sky.
“Have I ever told you the myth behind Andromeda’s constellation?”
“No, I don’t think you have.”
“Well,” she breathes, snuggling in closer. “Andromeda was the beautiful daughter of the queen, Cassiopeia—”
“Wait,” I say, furrowing my brows. “I think I have heard this one before, when we were kids. Wasn’t one of them conceited and she ends up pissing off Poseidon?”
Bea giggles into my chest. “I’m impressed. But no, that was Andromeda’s mother. Cassiopeia was very vain, she constantly bragging about her own beauty. If you remember correctly, Cassiopeia’s boasting angered Poseidon. So, he created these sea nymphs that were the most beautiful creatures on earth, yet still, Cassiopeia refused to believe anyone else looked better than her. All because Cassiopeia couldn’t bear there being more than one beautiful thing in the world besides herself, she brought the wrath of Poseidon on her village and the people of her village. To cool off Poseidon and relinquish his anger, Cassiopeia chained her only daughter, Andromeda to a rock on the beach, as a sacrifice to him and his sea monster, The Kraken.
Andromeda was saved at the last minute by her hero and at the time, her love interest, the great Perseus. He killed The Kraken by showing the monster Medusa’s severed head, which then turned the sea monster to stone. Eventually, Andromeda married her savior, Perseus and she went on to become the great-grandmother of Hercules. Kinda cool, right? Andromeda is obviously just a story, but it’s really a spiral galaxy and it’s also one of the nearest major galaxies to the Milky Way.”
A contented smile spreads across my face after she tells her story. I forgot how much I missed this. Hearing her talk about the stars and the galaxies, and all the stories that come with them. She was so fucking cute when she was in her element. Closing my eyes, I press my lips to her hair and inhale the fruity scent.
“You’re amazing. I forgot how much you know about constellations and the myths behind them.”
“I forgot how much I did, too,” she says sadly. “Thank you for helping me remember, Liam.”
I squeeze her tiny body against me even tighter, never wanting to let this beautiful, delicate woman go. Ever.
Bea’s my sun, my moon, and all my stars—the entire universe combined.
As promised, Emery gets here the following day and instead of a chauffeur and a five-star meal waiting, I pick her up in my truck and show her around Lakeport. We have dinner at one of my favorite spots, Old World Tavern, and later head to the bar.
She fills me in on everything I’ve missed while I’ve been out here, instead of back in Frisco. She drones on and on, but deep down it doesn’t feel like I’ve missed a thing. Being here with Bea has made me realize what’s important in my life and what isn’t. Major league baseball drama? Yeah, it doesn’t even top the list for me.
After sobering up, we drive back to Myrah’s. Emery originally planned on staying at the local Holiday Inn, but I offered the guest bedroom up to her in favor of the couch.
I wasn’t a complete dick.
We were close friends, and she came all the way out here to visit—it was the least I could do.
Emery giggles and hiccups drunkenly from the passenger seat, and I roll my eyes at how much she obviously had to drink at dinner tonight. She was downing those tequila shots like they were water. There’s no doubt she’ll pay for it come tomorrow morning with one hell of a hangover.
I help her out of the passenger seat, all the while she giggles and mumbles incoherently. That was Emery, whenever she got drunk, she had a habit of talking to herself. It was comical.
She wobbles on her feet and I place steadying hands on her waist, without warning she tosses her arms around my neck and places her body flush against mine.
“Have you missed me?” she whispers breathily, then giggles, “Do you want to play, Liam? I miss playing with you. It’s been so long.” She trails her fingers up and down my neck lazily. Blowing out a sigh, I do my best to shrug her arms off my shoulders, but it doesn’t work. She pouts, and giggles, yet again, tightening her hold on me.
“You’re drunk, Emery. Let’s get you inside.”
Stumbling away from the truck I guide her toward the front door still with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck.
“How about you get inside me?”
Her words, under normal circumstances would’ve aroused me, but ever since Bea came back into my life, I haven’t thought of another woman in the sexual sense. Especially not Emery—at least not in that light.
Without warning, Emery places her mouth over mine in a sloppy kiss. I pull my face away and chuckle, shaking my head in amusement.
“No more tequila for you.”
Someone gasps behind me. The sound is so loud and ragged, I swing my gaze toward the source, my face going slack. My heart drops, all the way down to the soles my feet and it feels like someone has just stomped all over it.
Bea stands in the doorway of Myrah’s house completely frozen. I see the hurt written all over her face. It makes my heart clench.
Fuck.
Pain lances through my chest making me
wince.
Goddammit, Emery.
I shift with Emery’s slackened form against me, not knowing what the fuck to do. I don’t know how much of that she watched or heard, but by the look of horror on her face, I’m guessing pretty much all of it.
I watch the emotions transfer in waves. Betrayal and hurt shift to anger then loss. Tears trek down her face, and if possible, my heart breaks further. She softly closes the front door, shifts her bag on her shoulder and walks past me. And like a fucking idiot I am, I don’t do a damn thing.
Emery snuggles her face into my neck and moans out my name, “Liam.”
At the sound of Emery’s drunken display of affection Bea runs inside her house and slams the front door behind her, taking my heart with her, yet again.
BEA
Pain.
That is all I can process right now.
It hurt. Watching Liam with another woman hurt more than I ever thought possible. It was like someone had my heart in a vise, squeezing viciously.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think.
I can’t do anything after watching my first love with another woman. It feels like everything I’ve worked so hard to overcome and accomplish these last few weeks are crumbling.
I opened up to him, and like the fool I was, I thought I was the only woman in his life. I should’ve known. With a man like Liam, there was no doubt he’d have a girlfriend waiting for him back home. All the signs were there, but I ignored them, all because I was happy to be back in his arms. I was willing to take the scraps of whatever he had to offer.
After I ran inside the house, I slammed the front door and sprinted straight toward the bathroom. I fell straight into the sink, clutched the porcelain with trembling hands and hung my head low—the urge to vomit was all consuming. When my mouth filled with saliva, I heaved and heaved, even though I knew nothing would come up.
My legs shook violently as I crawled into bed that night. I was a mess. A complete and total wreck. The first person I dialed was Melody, needing to hear her voice and her wisdom. She answered on the first ring and I couldn’t have been more relieved.
I cried down the line, and she listened silently to every word. When the tears finally dried, she told me all the things a friend would in that moment. How amazing I was and how stupid he was not to realize it. She wanted me to remember my worth and my progress. And I tried, I really did. But then I kept seeing her mouth on his, the way he held her, and my heart fell apart all over again. That awful dagger was digging into my chest cavity, stabbing repeatedly into my heart.
I clutched my pillow to my chest and willed the lingering pain in my battered heart to go away. For a moment, Liam made me forget what the pain was like. He came barreling through the wall around my heart, chipping away at the armor I had built, not once coming up for air.
Even though he gave me a momentary reprieve from the pain, he was also the one who brought it back. When I hear the creak of the doorknob and thudding footfalls, a silent sob wracks my chest. I can’t help but wonder how my life can possibly get any worse.
The next morning, Myrah comes to my house, bright and early knocking on my front door like she doesn’t have anything better to do.
“Bea? I know you’re there. Your car is still in the driveway. Please open up.” She yells so loud, I can hear her all the way from my bedroom.
For a second, I consider ignoring her pleas and staying in bed all day, it’s the day of the BBQ after all, I’m sure she has a lot to do. Staring blankly at the ceiling, I mull over my options, and come to find out, I didn’t have any. Myrah didn’t deserve my cold shoulder because of Liam’s actions. She was my best friend and that trumped everything, even my pain.
I throw the covers off my legs and climb out of bed. When I open the front door Myrah stands there with a saddened look on her face.
“He’s such a fucking idiot,” she whispers. “Come here.” Myrah spreads her arms and I fall into them like they’re home. She pulls me inside and lets me cry on her shoulder, all the while squeezing me tightly, like she’s afraid she’ll lose me after what happened last night with Liam.
With Connor and Jenny spending the weekend in Walnut Creek to visit her family, I feel comfortable letting Myrah hold me so openly on the couch. Normally, I’d stay locked in my room, anything to avoid crossing paths with him.
Once my sobs subside, she strokes my hair and holds me like I’m a child with her first heartbreak. Sadly, this isn’t my first heartbreak. But I want it to be my last, especially where Liam is concerned.
“I still want you to come tonight, Bea. You’re my best friend, I want you there.”
I shake my head, a hot tear trailing down my cheek. “I can’t, Myrah. Not after last night.”
“Bea. Trust me, it’s not what you think. I won’t explain it for him, this is Liam’s mess to clean up, but please come tonight. I’m begging you.”
Her eyes, a light emerald with a hint of sage, beg me to say yes. It tugs at my heartstrings, the weight of her emotions plastered on her face, so, I nod my head giving her my answer with an unsure smile.
After letting Myrah do my makeup and get me all dressed up for tonight, my nerves are a wreck as I anticipate being around Liam for the rest of the night. With my hand gripped tightly in hers, I follow Myrah into the gate of her backyard where the BBQ is being held. String lights criss-cross and drape along her backyard dousing the area in a soft glow. The gas lamps make the cold wind feel almost nonexistent, warming the air around us. I fiddle with the hem of my flowy white sundress and try to balance on her strappy nude wedges that my feet aren’t used to. I tighten the cardigan around my body, not wanting to let it go.
“Bea, babe, you don’t need to wear that. It’s not cold out here with all the gas lamps.”
My fingers tighten on the material. “I just feel more comfortable with it on. It makes the dress look cuter, doesn’t it?”
Myrah gives me a look that says, “No the hell it doesn’t.”.
She blows out a sigh and rests her palms on my shoulders.
“You look amazing, Bea. That dress is incredible with or without the sweater, but I will say it looks even better without.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine. Here you go,” I say, slipping out of the cardigan and handing it over to her. A wide approving grin spreads across her face.
“That’s my girl,” she praises, giddy with excitement.
The nervousness I felt about tonight vanishes completely when I see Liam. Instead, it morphs into a sick feeling. A beautiful girl with blonde hair is wrapped around him, and it’s like a stab to the heart. When I realize it’s the same girl from last night, the pain in my heart intensifies. My breath leaves me in an audible gasp, and the ache in my chest is unbearable. Myrah must see what I’m seeing because she squeezes my hand and pulls me forward toward Liam and his date.
I pull against her hand trying to escape her grip, so I can run away from this party, but she doesn’t let up. Turning to me, she places a tentative hand on my shoulder and looks down at me.
“Do you trust me?”
I search her eyes, and silently nod my head. I don’t even need to think about it, I’ve always trusted Myrah. Even years later she’s the only person I can trust. She smiles, accepting my unspoken response and resumes striding toward Liam and his date who are both deep in conversation.
The closer we get, it becomes more and more obvious how much the girl makes him happy. A thorn twists in my heart, jealousy filling my chest. Seeing Liam so happy and carefree made me unreasonably angry, and I didn’t like what that anger was currently doing to me. It was borderline hate.
I wanted to hate Liam for leaving me.
I wanted to hate him for cutting contact.
And I wanted to hate him for not saving me from the monster in my home. But in all honesty, I didn’t really hate him, or even want to hate him. Love and hate are the same feelings under different circumstances—two sides of the same coin. I knew without a shadow of
a doubt that I loved Liam. I never stopped. It just wasn’t possible.
I hated myself. Not him. That was the cold, hard truth.
Liam Falcon wasn’t the type of man you could ever stop loving, and I didn’t want to. He saves me from the darkest moments in my life. The times I want to give up, he’s always there as vivid as ever in my memories. Even if he has moved on, I can’t deny it.
Myrah gives my hand a final reassuring squeeze as we come to a stop in front of Liam and his gorgeous date.
“Hey, Li. Hey, Emery,” she says addressing Liam and his girlfriend. They both stop their intimate conversation and turn toward us. Feeling uncomfortable with being under their scrutiny, I subtly shift behind Myrah as to not be seen so clearly.
“Myrah! We were just talking about you. I was literally just telling Liam what a great BBQ this is. I was a little wary of a BBQ during December, but damn girl, you really pulled this off. Plus, the pasta salad is to die for.”
Myrah smiles. “You’re too sweet, thanks Emery. Before we get lost in the crowd, I’m going to introduce Bea to everyone. Since you’re raving about her pasta salad, I’m sure everyone else will too.”
At the mention of my name, Emery’s eyes widen, and Liam goes stiff as a board. My brows furrow at their strange reactions. Emery’s gaze collides with mine, and I feel her searching for something, but I have no idea what. She takes a step forward and stretches out her hand.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Bea. I’ve heard so many great things.”
I shake her hand as lightly as possible and give her a small tentative smile. Feeling the heat of his gaze on my body, I clasp onto Myrah’s hand for support, avoiding staring into his eyes at all costs. My heart bangs so violently against my chest, I feel the vibrations in my throat. Myrah squeezes my hand that’s shaking violently in her grasp and I try to calm my ragged breaths.
I make the mistake of looking at him, and immediately wish I hadn’t. He’s gorgeous. Even more so up close. Dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans he looks so comfortable and at ease. His eyes trail up and down my body and I silently curse Myrah for her outfit of choice. Sundress with wedges, who is she kidding? I haven’t been this exposed in years.
