Still ... did that extend to noticing when Jason put his arm around me?
I didn’t like the confusion, but if the alternative was awkwardness or resulted in hurt feelings, I decided I’d choose ignorance.
With a gulp, I realized I’d spent most of Ben’s lecture dissecting our friendship, rather than listening to the rules of the river. Not to mention his distracting habit of being attractive. The man bun was back, and Ben wore dark sunglasses and kept flashing that white smile. And he somehow made a splash jacket, board shorts, and swim booties look cool.
A second group joined us, along with another guide. Ben introduced the other guide—Emmie was her name—and explained that we’d be tag teaming this trip, including camping near each other. Paige joined the second group.
Jason leaned closer to me. “Doesn’t sound so bad.”
“I feel like I was daydreaming and didn’t hear a word he said,” I whispered furiously. Jason scowled at me.
“What the heck? You need to sit in the middle, then. That’s the safest spot. If I fall out, tell my parents I loved them.” I poked Jason hard at that scary comment.
We started strapping on life jackets. As it wound up, I did sit in the middle in the very front of the raft, between Jason and Kyle, and Chloe and Rita and Greg were in the very back. Ben was in the middle, steering with double oars. Once our raft was in the water, I felt a quick tug on the back of my suit. I turned around. Ben smiled at me.
“Ready for some fun?”
I grinned back at him. “Definitely.”
We drifted downstream, Ben talking and pointing out certain rocks and flowers and talking about the upcoming rapids. I drank in the scenery. This, this was Colorado. Unpredictable rivers and white clouds over gray-and-green mountains, fresh air. Evergreen trees and wildflowers.
I’d wanted more of it ever since I came to visit with Luke. Here I was, so many months later, without him.
But still experiencing adventure.
The thought startled me.
“This is incredible,” Jason murmured next to me, his shaded eyes scanning the river and mountains beyond. “I’m glad you talked me into it.”
I nudged him. “I’m happy you’re here.”
“All right, people,” Ben called out. “We’ve got white water ahead. Remember my instructions. When I say ‘Right,’ paddle hard right. When I say ‘Left,’ paddle hard left. When I say ‘Back two,’ paddle back two times. It gets crazy when we’re in it, but listen for my voice.”
Rita and I, both sandwiched in the middle of the rows, didn’t have paddles, but I held on to the rope in front of me as though my life depended on it. As the water grew choppier, my stomach dropped. Then we were smack-dab in the rapids—Ben yelling to paddle left and right. Jason dug into the water with his paddle. Water splashed over us and I screeched. I heard other shouts and laughs and Ben’s voice—a distant sound amid the roar of the torrents—yell, “Be ready. We haven’t seen anything yet!”
The rapids were relentless. Stark white water crashed over rocks and over us. Suddenly our raft tilted to the left and lodged in rocks. Ben used his oars to push us back into the water. We turned and dipped and then the entire front of our raft, including those three people named Jason, Debra, and Kyle, were submerged in ice water.
The moment I breathed air, I screamed, drenched to the bone. My hands lost the rope and I scrambled to grab it. Jason started to slide off the edge of the raft and with my left hand I grabbed him and held on tight. Ben was yelling but I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. My face stung from the cold, and I heaved deep breaths, and finally, the river calmed.
Jason and I looked at each other, water dripping from our noses. He still had a white-knuckle grip on the paddle he was holding. Wide grins spread across both our faces, in tandem. Whoops and breathless laughs erupted among our group. I turned back to see Ben. His gaze was right on me, and he winked.
“More to come. Hold on,” he told me.
I laughed, shaking back my hair, water droplets flying. The sun shone high overhead, quickly warming my face, and the river rolled out in front of us for as far as I could see. My racing pulse slowed a bit as our raft glided easily downstream. But Ben assured us that a few miles forward, around the bend, stronger rapids were waiting. I breathed deep, loving the breeze in my hair and the sun on my cheeks, the exhilarating dips and turns and rushes of the river.
It wasn’t long before we heard the roar of the water again. My hand tightened around the rope and I braced myself.
“Ready, guys?” Ben called out.
I gritted my teeth and squinted with the glare of the sun.
Bring it.
About three and half hours later, we hit our last group of rapids, flying fast, maneuvering around and over rock formations in the water. I’d been drenched multiple times by this point—funny how Ben didn’t mention that being in the front was a guarantee I’d be doused regularly. Ben shouted instructions and encouragement, deftly steering us down one course and then another. I heard him yell, “Hard left! Hard left!” then I heard screams from the back. I couldn’t twist to see, not with the jerking back and forth. Suddenly our raft was going up on the left. Up, up, up . . . I’d fallen over on Jason completely and he was half in the water. I felt Kyle grab the back of my suit and try to pull me back.
“Hold on!” Ben shouted.
From the corner of my eye I saw Ben working his oars, standing, then sitting—and then our raft landed flat again, Jason falling on me this time.
“Almost there, guys. I need three paddles forward!”
Jason inhaled, grabbing his paddle and going back to work. And in moments, we were back in calm waters. I looked back and saw a very soaked Chloe in the back row, and I had a feeling she’d gotten up close and personal with the river back there. The river carried us farther down, and Ben slowed us even further. We came to a standstill right next to a huge flat rock.
“We call this rock ‘the jump,’” Ben explained. “We’re less than half a mile from where we’ll disembark. The river is deep here, deep and safe enough to jump in. I don’t have to tell you—the water is cold. But anyone who wants to jump from the rock can.” With that, Ben secured the oars, reached over, and held the rock as he climbed on. I watched, my eyes huge. No hesitation, he dove into the water like a fish, coming up just moments after. Paige’s raft was just ahead of ours, and everyone in both rafts applauded for Ben. He swam back to the raft, and Jason helped pull him in. Ben wiped the water from his face and got back into his spot.
“Who’s next?” he asked. I twisted back around, and Ben stared at me, both eyebrows raised in question.
I didn’t have the ease of decision Ben had. My heart pounded in my ears as I looked at the rock.
But then I was up. I climbed over Jason, reached for the rock, and scrambled up on it. The groups were cheering, but I didn’t listen.
The water will be freezing! You’re crazy.
My hands clenched and unclenched at my sides. I looked over at Jason and he nodded encouragingly. His eyes told me he knew me; he knew I could do this. Then I glanced at Ben. And his gaze stared almost into my soul.
He knows you can do it. He wants to see if you will.
I looked at the water—constant movement, slow as it was. Calling me. Stirring me.
I dove in.
Intense cold shocked my body. My legs kicked, and my arms reached above me, parting the water and pushing myself to the surface. Then I was out, gasping for breath, hearing the muffled cheers through my water-clogged ears. My wet hair hung around my face. I side-stroked to the raft, and Jason pulled me in, his face beaming. He hugged me despite the fact that we were now even ickier in our saturated wet suits. Immediately after, he climbed onto the rock and cannonball jumped into the river with a whoop.
Ben leaned forward once I was settled back in my spot. “How do you feel?” he asked me. Soaked and freezing and shaking, I looked back at him. And I smiled.
“Alive.”
Chapter Eleven
Still, you’re not alone. No one is alone.
Into the Woods
At the outpost, there was a makeshift tent up for us to change out of our wetsuits, and portable toilets, which Ben highly recommended we use before we left the outpost. (I was very concerned with the bathroom arrangements going forward, which included something like a box and no doors. And Ben explained that everything came back down with us. I didn’t ask for further explanation.) The River Run van was there with all our backpacks and equipment, along with a case of water bottles. I grabbed one and downed the whole thing; then I pulled out my change of clothes, and Paige and I went into the tent together to change quickly, laughing and shivering the whole time.
After we changed, Paige and I sat next to each other on a log while we waited for everyone else to get ready.
“I cannot believe you jumped. That water is ice cold!” she squealed.
“Believe me, I know. I don’t know what came over me.” I tilted my head back to feel the sun’s rays on my face. The warmth was quickly drying my hair. I tried not to think about the inevitable frizz that would follow.
“It’s the river, I think. And nature in general. It brings us to life.”
I nodded in agreement. “I did feel so alive. Every pore on my body prickling, the cold hitting me like a wave.” Jason joined us then.
Paige shaded her eyes and glanced up at him as he moved to sit next to me. “Can you believe Deb jumped?” she asked. He shrugged, his shoulder now right next to mine.
“Of course. This is Debra. I once saw her bungee jump in Galveston when no one else in our group would, making me look like a chicken.”
Paige was quiet and I knew what she was thinking.
Not the same Debra.
Maybe that was it, partly. Jason being here. I couldn’t help but feel like myself again. What Jason didn’t remember about that particular moment, and I did, was that I’d been trying to impress Luke with my adventurous spirit. And I’d been terrified.
But afterward ... I’d loved it. And in the end, I wasn’t thinking about Luke. The whole experience had made me feel euphoric and even brave.
Like jumping in the river.
Maybe the old me wasn’t completely gone. Ben called us over to the van and we loaded up with huge backpacks. Paige stayed with our group. Guide Emmie stood about twenty feet away, talking to her group. The campsite was not too far but up a rather steep incline. We hiked the trail. I fell into step next to Ben up front. Jason seemed a bit more worn out—from all that paddling, no doubt. And he stayed behind. Paige had paddled on her boat as well and seemed a little more winded. They brought up the caboose of our team.
“So what did you think?” Ben wondered. I tore open a granola bar.
“Oh, it was perfect. Every minute of it. I think I missed my calling. I should have been a rafting guide.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I loved it when I worked out here. Very physical work, but the payoff is experiencing nature. Getting your hands dirty. There’s nothing like it. Kathy and Rob started River Run a decade ago. It’s a mom-and-pop business. They built it from the ground up. When I worked here, their preteen daughter worked the cash register and cleaned bathrooms and that sort of thing. Their son was in college then; he’d come home and work during every break. They’re a great family. They want their customers to have memorable excursions, and they treat all the guides with respect. I’m always glad to come back here and see everybody. Some of the guides are lifers—they’ll be out in these mountains forever. Some are just college kids, here for a season.”
“What’s our plan for when we reach the campsite?” I asked.
“When we get to the clearing, we’ll get the tents up and make a fire and I’ll work on dinner. Emmie and I will tag team. Don’t worry—the meal will be good. During training, they teach all of us to grill and cook meals. Satisfying meals are supposed to be a selling point. Before I became a guide, I could make macaroni and cheese and microwave Hot Pockets. I learned to cook over a fire.”
“You should get Jason to help. He’s practically a professional chef. He’d probably really enjoy doing whatever you need him to.”
Ben put one foot in front of the other. “Yeah, I might. So ... what’s the story with you guys?”
I looked at him, bemused. “What do you mean? I already told you. He was part of my group of friends back in Texas. We’re close.”
“Is that it, though? Him coming out here ...”
“He’s out here for a seminar, Ben. And even if he wasn’t, if he came here just for me, that would be fine. Jason and I—well, he was there for me at more than one of my worst moments in life. We have a bond. I love him like a brother.” I accidentally kicked a rock and stumbled. Ben stopped and grabbed my arm, steadying me. We kept moving once I had my bearings. “In fact, having him here—I don’t know how to explain it. I feel more at home, just having him around.”
Ben didn’t answer. I was starting to huff with exhaustion.
“Nearly there,” he assured me. Trees had lined most of our path, but then they dissipated and we reached the clearing. I could hear sighs of relief from behind us. We were all worn out. Ben clapped his hands and rallied our troop. He showed us the places to set up tents, scattered around where we’d have a campfire. I drank another bottle of water, and then Paige and I set to work getting our tent up.
The second group reached the clearing and went past us to the other side to set up more tents. Paige and I struggled with our tent but finally got it and rolled out our sleeping bags inside. I thought wistfully of my pink pillow that hadn’t made the cut. Ben and Jason’s tent was up and ready, and Jason was helping sort the cooking utensils while Ben got the fire going.
There were several camping chairs—I hadn’t carried one myself, but Ben had a couple of extras. Easy to unfold and set out around the fire. Emmie came over to our site, and she and Ben started powwowing over dinner. Jason seemed to be part of their cooking crew of three, and I appreciated Ben’s graciousness in including him. Paige and I chatted with our other two couples and we got our backpacks and personal things squared away and settled before nightfall. Not far from us, I could see Emmie’s group doing the same thing.
The enticing smell of grilled chicken wafted through the air and my stomach grumbled. I could smell peppers and see foil-wrapped potatoes. Paige and I decided to hike around the clearing, checking out the wildflowers. Ben asked us to stay within sight, and I promised him we would.
“Do you miss your friends in Texas?” Paige asked. “I know you’ve talked about them—it’s just, when we met, you seemed so hurt. In my mind, I assumed you were all fractured beyond repair. Now I see you with Jason, and it’s like—I don’t know—I have this inkling of what it was like, how you all were a family. That makes it worse, I imagine.” She gave me a look of sympathy. “But it also makes me wonder how much of yourself you left back there. Being with Jason—does that make you wish you could go back?”
I plucked a flower and ran the stem between my fingers and thumb. “No ... I don’t think I could ever go back. As much as I love Jason and Addison and Lily and Sam. And I don’t just mean go back to Texas. I don’t think we’ll ever be the same. So much has changed for all of us. I think my leaving helped—no one had to take sides. I just took myself out of the equation. They can all get together and be happy and not have to feel guilty that I’m not there.” A twinge of bitterness laced my voice. “But I can’t be there, and they know it. I could never be around all of them again. Me alone, while Luke and Sara are standing on the other side of the room, married and in love? No way.”
We stopped and looked out at the view, flowers here and there, trees surrounding the clearing.
“The distance helps,” I acknowledged. “I have a new life here. New friends.” I looked at her gratefully. She smiled. Fresh-faced, pink cheeks, her hair now in two golden braids, Paige stood there wearing cutoff jean shorts and a loose, tangerine-colored sleeveless top, in a patch of wild
flowers. She certainly belonged in Colorado.
Did I?
I shielded my eyes from the sun and squinted up at the mountain peaks in the far distance. “I’ve been thinking I should buy a place. What do you think? My lease isn’t up until May but I might start looking at neighborhoods and pricing out places. I feel like I need to own something.”
She nodded. “Well, as you’ve probably realized, housing prices out here are a little different from Texas.”
I frowned. “Yes. I’m not sure what I’ll be able to afford. I can renegotiate my contract and salary after a year. I do have savings, though.”
“They’re building new paired homes right near where I live. We could go look at them together. Prices are more affordable not so close to downtown. And the commute wouldn’t be bad at all if you took the light rail.”
“That’s true. Let’s go look next week. I just want to start moving in that direction. You know, get to know the housing market and know what area I’m interested in.”
“Putting down roots, huh?” Paige said with a smile. I shrugged.
I glanced at the campsite and saw Jason waving for us to come back.
Paige cleared her throat. “Did you ever ... I mean, did you ever think of Jason like that?”
A V formed between my eyebrows. “Jason? Think of him like what? Like Luke?”
“Like romantic.”
I laughed. “No. In a point of total irony, Jason first dated Sara. He was crazy about her. They dated for about a year, I think. It was so long ago. Then she broke things off with him. I knew it wouldn’t last between them. She never looked at him the way she looked at Luke.” I picked another flower as we slowly walked back toward camp. “He’s dated on and off, but no one serious since Sara. Come to think of it, that might be why we have such a strong bond. He had this unrequited love for Sara, and I had it for Luke, and we both know what it feels like to not be the one.”
“I’m surprised you never crushed on Jason. Or that Sara would give him up—he seems so fun. And he’s so good-looking.”
After the Rain Page 12
