I sobered. “But it would be such an incredible opportunity. And it could turn into something huge for you guys. This could be your shot.”
“Maybe,” he agreed, but he seemed hesitant. “We’re talking about it. They gave us a couple of weeks to look over schedules and see if we can make it work.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Karis started saying that I had to do it, even if she couldn’t. And Xander said the same thing. I can’t do that, Deb. I’m just as locked down here as they are.”
We could hear thunder rumble outside, and I could hear the conflict in Ben’s voice. The band was like family. And I knew all about having friends who were like family. I stood up and pushed back the floor-length curtain covering the back door. A heavy gray sky let loose a spattering of raindrops, with the promise of more to come.
“Want coffee?” I asked Ben. “I made lemon-cake bars. My mother’s recipe.”
His smile returned. “Both sound great.” I turned on my favorite online playlist while he cleared the table; then I dished out dessert. “Tell me more about your family,” he said, leaning over the island as I set a cup of coffee in front of him. Outside, the rain came down harder. The sound of rain falling in sheets reminded me of the rush of the river on our camping trip. The water sounded like life—movement and beauty and intensity. Washing away and replenishing all at once.
I sat on the barstool next to him and we ate lemon-cake bars and sipped coffee, and I told him about my family in Minnesota. Then we moved to the sofa and watched the auditions for one of those reality singing shows, critiquing everybody and cheering for who we thought should make it. And we drank more coffee and shared stories from high school and college. It was after ten when someone pounded on my door, and my heart jumped into my throat. I got up, and Ben did too, walking with me to the door. I checked the peephole and saw my neighbor. I opened the door quickly. There stood Jake.
“Jake, hi. Is everything okay?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “Cassidy is burning up with fever, and I think I need to find a twenty-four-hour Urgent Care. Is there any way you could watch Gilly for us? She’s asleep right now, but she’ll be up in an hour probably, needing a bottle. Cassidy is so miserable; we need antibiotics or something to help with the fever. She can’t help with Gilly, and I—”
“It’s not a problem,” I said immediately. “This is Ben. Ben, Jake.” I made the introduction fast. Jake shook his hand.
“Like I said, Gilly’s asleep. If you both want to come over, that’s fine. I’m sorry to ask.” Jake glanced back nervously at his door, two feet from mine. I grabbed my keys and Ben turned off the TV. We followed Jake into his condo, which was a wreck.
“Sorry for the mess. Cass has been sick a couple of days, and with Gilly—” He shrugged.
“Don’t even think about it,” I told him. Cassidy came limping out of the bedroom and I gasped. Pale and shaking, circles under her eyes. “Any instructions?” I asked, knowing Gilly was maybe eight months old and I wasn’t an expert on babies. Jake and I exchanged cell numbers.
“She’s not sleeping through the night yet,” Cassidy rasped. Jake put his arm around her waist.
“She’ll probably wake up and want a bottle. They’re ready-made in the fridge. Just pop it in the bottle warmer on the counter. There are diapers and wipes in her room. And thanks, Debra.”
“You guys go.” I motioned to the door. Cassidy looked ready to fall to the floor. “If you don’t find an Urgent Care open, take her to the ER,” I told Jake and he nodded. They left and I locked the door, then turned to look at Ben. His head was downward.
“Ben?” I asked.
He glanced up. “Just praying,” he said. Then he looked around the apartment. “Where do we start?” he asked.
I shook back my hair and rubbed my forehead, looking at the condo. “You don’t have to stay. I can handle this.”
“I’m here, Deb. I want to help you. I can tackle the dishes.”
“But we don’t want to wake the baby.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure they said she’ll wake up one way or the other, and I think it would help more if they came home to a cleaner condo.”
“True. Okay. You start on the dishes. I’ll pick up the living room and see what else I can do.”
After throwing away trash and tidying the living area, I peeked into their laundry room, which was overflowing with clothes. It was also missing a washer and dryer. I walked back into the kitchen. “They have a ton of laundry and no washer or dryer.”
“Really?” Ben asked, loading the dishwasher. “Do you have one?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I found a used, compact, stacked washer-and-dryer set online. I think I’ll take over a load of baby clothes and wash them at my place. Maybe I can do a load of towels too. Be right back.”
I carried one of the overflowing hampers to my apartment and loaded the washer, then went back to Jake and Cassidy’s. Ben had finished the dishes and was wiping down the counter. Once he finished, I asked him to take the trash bags outside to the dumpster. When he came back, I ran over to my apartment to put the clothes in the dryer. Then he and I sat on the sofa, silent and tired.
“Thanks for staying,” I said with a yawn, curling into him. I’d just closed my eyes for a moment when we heard Gilly crying through the monitor. Ben and I traded wide-eyed looks. I jumped up and tiptoed to the room.
“She’s already awake, Deb. I don’t think you need to tiptoe.”
“Right. You stay out here; she might be overwhelmed by two strangers.”
Ben nodded. I went into the baby’s room and reached for Gilly, who started howling louder when she saw that I was neither of her parents. She was reaching new levels of loudness when Ben peeked into the room.
“How about I hold her and you warm up the bottle? I can’t figure out the warmer,” he said. I handed her over and dashed to the kitchen. I saw the conundrum about the warmer; it needed water poured in for steam. I ended up guessing on the amount and pushing the button. When it seemed fairly warm, I grabbed the bottle and ran back to the room. There in the dark, Gilly had quieted. Ben stood by the crib, holding her, swaying from side to side, and singing softly. I was frozen by the door, unable to look away. The light from the hallway spilled into the room and I could see Ben as he rubbed Gilly’s back gently.
“Deb? The bottle?” he whispered again.
“Here!” I almost tripped going into the room. He handed Gilly over to me. Her eyes were drooping. I sat down in the rocker in the corner of the room and put the bottle to her lips. She went after it like a milkshake. Ben stepped back toward the doorway, then turned and watched us for a second. I wondered if he felt all the things I’d just felt while watching him. With a final glance, he left the room. I rocked Gilly, enjoying the weight of her in my arms. My thoughts went to Lily, what she must be feeling as she rocked Logan. I’d wished I could be there, take my turn holding Lily and Sam’s little one.
But here I was, Gilly’s sweaty little head against me, her lips smacking as she devoured that bottle. They hadn’t said anything about burping her, but she sucked down the bottle so fast that I decided to try. I lifted her to my shoulder, rubbing that tiny back and feeling Gilly sniffle and whimper in my ear. Once she was completely silent, I stood up, my body tense as I tried not to jostle her whatsoever, and I laid her back in the bed, then crept backward out of the room. I tiptoed back into the living room. Ben had turned off the bright lights, leaving on the pendant lamps over the island. He’d brought the hamper of clean baby clothes back. The TV was on, muted. Ben sat on the couch, flipping through channels. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Eleven forty-five. With a huge yawn, I sat down and pulled over the hamper to fold.
“I put the towels in the dryer,” Ben told me, resting his arm behind me on the back of the sofa.
“Thank you. For everything. You don’t have to stay. I know it’s late,” I told him. I looked at him, pink onesie in my hand, Ben’s head resting on the back of the couch.
He gave me a tired smile. “I’m good.”
I tried not to think ridiculous thoughts ... of Ben holding Gilly. Of what it would be like one day for me to live with someone, to warm up bottles for my own baby, to look at someone on the sofa—namely Ben—exchanging weary smiles while our baby slept in the next room.
I folded half the hamper, then leaned back on the sofa next to Ben.
The next thing I knew, someone was saying my name. I opened my eyes.
“Hey, your phone just buzzed. Better check if it’s Jake and Cassidy,” he said. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, reaching for my phone on the end table.
“They’re on their way back,” I told him. “Looks like they ended up going to the ER. She’s got a really bad case of strep. But they got her on antibiotics and got some fluids in her.” I groaned. “I should get the towels.”
“Already done. I didn’t fold them, but they’ve got clean towels.”
“Oh, good. Thanks.”
I rested my head back for a moment.
“That’s three, Deb,” Ben said.
I gave him a side glance. “Huh?”
“The third time you’ve fallen asleep when we’re together.”
I laughed as quietly as possible. “I’m always tired.”
His hand found mine, and we both sat there, heads laid back, breathing steadily as the minutes passed midnight and beyond.
“Are we dating or what?” Ben finally spoke.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “Do you think you’re going on tour?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed. I sat up, pushing my hair back. He sat up as well, then leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees.
“Hey,” I said. He glanced up at me, his eyes glazed with a mixture of weariness and desire; then he leaned over to kiss me. But I was so tired. So unsure. I placed a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back.
“No, Luke. We have to think about this.”
I froze. Ben’s eyes steeled. “My name is Ben.”
We heard the door unlock at that moment, and Jake and Cassidy came in. Ben jumped up and my heart split.
It was an accident.
I’m sorry.
I wanted to pull him back, rewind the moment.
But there was no undoing what had been done. There was no undoing the hurt I felt and the hurt I caused. No going back. Didn’t I know that on so many levels? Wasn’t that the heavy regret I woke up with and went to sleep with?
Cassidy went straight to bed, dead on her feet from the exertion of being weak and up so late. Jake just kept saying thank you. Ben and I assured him that we were happy to help. Then we moved into the hallway. Their door closed, and Ben immediately turned and walked down the hallway.
“Ben!” I called out.
He kept walking.
Chapter Seventeen
There are moments that the words don’t reach.
There is a grace too powerful to name.
Hamilton
Debra,” Dr. Clark said calmly. “It’s okay. It was a slip of the tongue. He knows that. He’ll get over it.”
I shook my head as I sat, wrapped in a fleece blanket on the sofa in her office. My curls whipped past my face as my head turned from side to side. “I feel like I should go to Texas. Confront Luke. Scream in his face or something.”
Dr. Clark’s eyebrows raised and her chin dipped. “Hmm. Well, that can go on our list of options.” I tightened the blanket around me. “Do you blame Luke for last night?” Dr. Clark pressed.
“I blame him for everything!” I snapped. Then I squeezed my eyes closed, knowing how that sounded. “No,” I corrected. “He wasn’t there last night. Or maybe he was. And that’s the problem. He’s everywhere and I haven’t let go yet.”
“I think you have,” Dr. Clark said after a moment. “I think it was an honest mistake. This happens. People accidentally say the wrong name. It’s unfortunate, especially for Ben, of course, but it’s not the end of the world. What are you afraid of right now?”
“That Ben won’t forgive me. I mean, I know he will. That’s who he is. But he might not want to pursue me anymore. I texted him last night, as soon as he left. And I told him I was sorry. He never responded.” I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand. “Ben is amazing. Why should he keep trying with a crazy person who can’t get over her last breakup?”
“Well, it was a difficult breakup in many ways. The timing alone ...” Dr. Clark got up and came and sat next to me on the sofa. “But I hear you saying that you want Ben to keep pursuing you. That tells me you’ve moved on more than you’ll acknowledge.”
I replayed her words in my mind, trying to absorb them.
“What should I do?” I asked.
Dr. Clark crossed her ankles and folded her hands in her lap. “Well, you could do nothing. But that would leave Ben feeling like he doesn’t matter and the two of you would never get past this. You could fly to Texas and scream at Luke, but you would end up feeling worse and lose the ground you’ve gained. Or you could tell Ben that you’re sorry—find a way to make him hear you—and let him decide on his next step. Give him the space he needs. One thing you need to do is decide, in your heart, what it is you want from Ben. You’ve told me before that you’ve worried Luke was just stringing you along, that he knew deep down that he couldn’t marry you.
“Be sure you don’t do that to Ben.”
I didn’t blink. My eyes started to burn. I would never want to hurt anyone the way Luke had hurt me. I’d never want to break a person’s heart the way Luke had broken mine.
“Take some time to really evaluate your feelings for Ben. I’m not saying you need to be ready to jump into a long-term commitment with him, Debra. But to be fair, you need to know your own heart.” Dr. Clark patted my hand and stood up. “You know what you need to do.” She went back to her desk chair and sat down.
I removed the blanket from my shoulders and set it next to me. “I’m thinking I should buy a house. A townhouse actually.”
Dr. Clark peered at me over her glasses. “Really? That’s a big decision, Debra. What’s brought this on?”
I bit my lip for a moment before answering. “I was thinking I need to have something of my own. I told you I thought Luke and I would buy a house and start a family. Well, I can buy my own house without him.”
She didn’t answer, just studied me for several uncomfortable seconds.
“I mean, maybe I can buy one. Housing is so expensive and I haven’t been working out here that long. But I went and looked at some new paired homes. And I called a realtor last week and talked to her about the market right now. I just ... I want something that’s mine.”
She nodded and then inhaled. “And then you’ll know you’re staying.”
“Right,” I agreed, then frowned. “Well, I am staying, of course. Where else would I go? I love it out here. The climate is perfect. My job is ideal.”
She gave me a small smile. “I’m not arguing with you, Debra. Buying a home can be a positive thing. It’s also a huge life choice, which, since you have a lease until May, you have plenty of time to think about. I like that you want to build a life here. I’m just wondering ...”
“What?” I asked with a tinge of annoyance.
“From what you’ve described, Luke was your anchor not too long ago. You were tethered to him, and you wanted to be. Without him, maybe you’re looking for a new anchor. And maybe that looks like a house right now.”
I stopped breathing for a second, then exhaled slowly, letting her words settle. “Is that a bad thing?” I finally asked. She tapped her pen on the table.
“No, not necessarily. Let’s keep talking about it as you find out your options. This might be really good for you.”
I agreed, relieved she hadn’t tried to talk me out of it.
I left her office that Monday afternoon and went home. There were people in the hallway, rolling a dolly out of Jake and Cassidy’s apartment. I ran over. Jake was shaking hands with some guy.
“Hi
, what’s going on?”
Jake looked at me, a look of disbelief on his face. “Debra, some people from Ben’s church gave us a washer and dryer. They’re used but in great shape. Can you believe that?”
My heart tugged.
Yes, I can believe that.
“That’s great, Jake. How’s Cassidy doing?”
“She’s doing better. It will be a couple of days before she’s herself again. She’s just tired and weak. I need to run to the grocery store.” He scratched his head, and I wondered if he knew there was baby spit-up on his shirt.
“Want to leave Gilly with me so Cassidy can sleep?”
“Are you sure? Would you mind?” Jake looked uncertain. “I can be back in an hour.”
“I don’t mind, Jake,” I told him.
Relief smoothed the lines on his face. “You and Ben have helped us so much. I don’t even know how to thank you.”
“Hey, we’re neighbors. Now go get me that cute baby.”
Jake darted back into his apartment. I unlocked my door and left it open. A couple of minutes later, Jake came in, carrying Gilly and her diaper bag. After a few quick instructions, he left for the grocery store, and Gilly and I settled on the living room floor with a few of her baby toys. While Gilly gurgled and gnawed on a plastic giraffe, I grabbed my phone and texted Ben.
JAKE AND CASS JUST GOT THE WASHER AND DRYER. THANKS FOR MAKING THAT HAPPEN.
I waited several minutes. No response. I set the phone aside and played with Gilly. When Jake got home, Gilly was on my hip as we surveyed the refrigerator contents. I packed up her things and handed him the diaper bag. “So Gilly and I are BFFs now. You can ask me to watch her anytime.”
Jake smiled and took Gilly, kissing the top of her head. “Thanks so much. It means a lot to me that we have a friend we can count on to help. We moved out here last year for my job, so we don’t have any family nearby. Cassidy’s made a few friends at a moms’ club in the area but no one she’s really close to yet. Maybe we’ll try Ben’s church when Cass is feeling well. It would be nice to know more people.”
After Jake left, I made a bowl of soup for dinner and watched TV, thinking about what Dr. Clark had said. We seemed to be in a season of evening rain showers. Thunder rolled overhead again. It reminded me of Texas, where I’d experienced multiple thunderstorms. I hadn’t realized I’d missed the rain while here in dry Colorado, but as the thunder boomed, my soul seemed to respond, wanting the water to come down.
After the Rain Page 19
