by Lola StVil
“Not in my mind,” I say.
“What? You think this isn’t important?”
“I don’t think it’s the most important thing. To me, you are the most important thing,” I reply. “I’ve been there for you and the team through all of this. And I have no real idea where I fit into any of that, or where I belong. All I know is I feel good when I’m with you.”
“I get that. And I love that you’ve been here for us all, but you have to accept that I’m the leader of this team. And that means when things get tough, I can’t just sit around moping and letting you fix things for me. I have to step up. And I’m sorry if that bothers you. Really, I am, but right now, I can’t just sit around and play happy family with you, Kane.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” I snap.
“Isn’t it? Because you seem pretty damn pissed to hear that you’re not the center of my universe right now,” Atlas snaps back.
I know it’s just the stress of the situation getting to her, and I want to be the bigger person and go over there and wrap her tightly in my arms. I want to protect her, whether she thinks she needs it or not. But I just can’t.
Her rejection touches a raw nerve in me, one that gets my back up. I know if I stay here, I’ll end up saying something I can’t take back.
“Fuck it. I need some air,” I say.
I slam the door open and turn back to her.
“When you’re ready to stop acting like a spoiled brat, come and find me,” I say and slam the door shut.
I walk a couple of steps and lean back against the wall. I rub my hands over my face and sigh. I fucked that one up. I want to go back and tell her I’m sorry and I understand, but I can’t. Not yet. I’m still too pissed off.
I realize I can hear voices. I look around, but I’m alone in the corridor. I see that Perry’s door is open a crack and it’s Perry and Langston I can hear. I stand still, listening. Maybe hearing Langston dealing with Perry’s constant bad jokes will help me lose some of the anger.
“I just can’t believe Quinn would go this far,” Perry is saying. “I mean, I get that she loved Regal, but I didn’t think for even a second that she felt so strongly it could push her over the edge like this. I guess maybe having such strong feelings for another person isn’t always a good thing.”
When did Perry get so deep? I kind of know where Quinn is coming from though. I would burn the whole world to ashes if I thought someone had hurt Atlas. What I can’t get my head around though is how Quinn could claim to love Regal and then go after him so viciously. There’s nothing Atlas could do that would make me do that to her.
“It’s better than not feeling anything at all,” Langston says quietly.
I frown to myself. This isn’t the light-hearted conversation I was expecting. I know I should go, but I’m intrigued, and I stay.
“What do you mean?” Perry asks.
It’s quiet for so long, I start to think Langston isn’t going to answer his question.
“When Atlas killed Drew, I was so angry at first,” she says.
“You don’t say,” Perry interjects.
“But then I thought about what Saudia said. Quinn has gone postal because Atlas kissed her boyfriend. She killed mine, and I got over it pretty quick. And that’s when I realized something. Something terrible. Once the anger wore off, I should have been grieving. But what I felt wasn’t grief. It was relief. I felt like a load had been taken off my shoulders. Does that make me a bad person, Perry?”
Yes.
“No, it makes you a normal person, Langston. He was never going to wake up, and this gave you closure. It’s understandable to feel the way you do.”
“Really?” Langston says.
“Really,” Perry confirms.
“Thanks,” she says quietly.
“So, do you still think I’m a dick to women?”
Langston laughs.
“Yes. But maybe you’re not quite as bad as I thought. I mean we’ve been in the same room for a good five minutes, and we’re not bickering yet.”
“Oh, there’s time. You should see what I do for an encore,” Perry jokes.
They laugh, and I push myself away from the wall and head for the door. I peek through the window of Perry’s room as I pass. I do a double take when I see Langston sitting on the bed beside Perry, the two of them locked in what looks like a pretty passionate kiss.
Langston pulls back and jumps to her feet.
“Langston, wait...” Perry calls, but she doesn’t even pause.
I teleport into the grounds just as she reaches the door. I don’t want to be caught eavesdropping on their private moment.
I walk over to a bench that’s surrounded by trees. It’s secluded enough that hopefully no one will spot me, and I won’t have to talk to anyone. I feel so overwhelmed by all of the craziness going on around me right now. I sigh and rake my hands through my hair.
“You look like shit, man,” I hear a voice from behind me.
So much for solitude.
I turn towards the voice as Talon steps out from behind the trees and takes a seat next to me. I peer at my best friend, or is it former best friend? I don’t even know anymore.
“What do you want, Talon?” I ask.
“Is that any way to greet your best friend?” Talon says, shaking his head. “We’ve been friends for years. Can’t I just drop in and see how you’re doing?” he asks coyly.
“And checking in on me comes before or after you and Quinn try to kill my girlfriend?” I snap.
I should have expected Talon to fall in with Quinn. Anything twisted and he’s there. And add in a pretty girl who gives him the time of day, and he’s like putty in her hands. It still kind of hurts though. After everything we’ve been through together, a little bit of loyalty shouldn’t be too much to ask.
“I get why you love her, you know. She’s as tough as steel and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. It’s a good combination,” Talon says thoughtfully.
“It’s not just that. It’s…”
It would be good to talk about this, but I can’t forget who is beside me and that he’s in league with Quinn.
“Oh, forget it,” I say.
“Just say it, man. Don’t be a punk. What’s on your mind?” Talon says.
I think of all the years we’ve known each other. Everything we went through together. The secrets we’ve shared that no one else knows. I can tell him this, surely? This is the one good part of me, the one thing I shouldn’t have to keep a secret.
“She is tough. But underneath it all, she’s good. Okay? Yes, I want to shake her at times because it gets her into trouble more often than not, and it scares me how ready she is to run into life-threatening situations to save someone else. But I also love that about her. The way she puts herself on the line for others and doesn’t ask for a damn thing in return. Fuck, it’s inspiring. And that amazing, selfless girl looks at me and sees something in me. Something redeemable. She thinks I’m worth saving. And that’s why I love her,” I say.
I’ve never spoken those words out loud before. I’ve never dared to admit to anyone that I want to be something more. That’s what Atlas’s love has done to me. It’s made me see that I do want to be more than this bitter, twisted thing that I’ve become. I want to be someone that makes Atlas proud.
“Well, shit, bro,” Talon says with a grin. “And there I was thinking you just wanted to fuck her.”
I open my mouth, angry again, and he laughs.
“Relax, Kane. Jeez. I’m just kidding around. Seriously though, I could see you two together in a different life, I really could. You know if you hadn’t been sold into a twisted sex trafficking ring. If we’d spent our youths playing video games instead of trying to fend off perverted old men. If we hadn’t seen some of the unspeakable things we saw.”
“But that doesn’t have to define me, Talon. And it doesn’t have to define you. Yeah, we got the shitty end of the stick, and it wasn’t our fault. But to keep c
hoosing to be this way now? That’s all on us,” I interrupt.
He shakes his head almost sadly.
“You don’t believe that any more than I do. We are what they made us. And we saw more than enough to know that humanity is corrupt and deserves to end,” Talon says.
“But what if we’re wrong? What if not all of them are like that?”
“Don’t get stuck in this ‘what if’ bullshit, bro. There’s no ‘what if.’ The market was real. That house where we were abused was real. The lie is you and Atlas. That’s the thing that needs to be destroyed so we can finish what we started—working with Arken to end the world and making the humans pay.”
I open my mouth to interrupt him, but he carries on.
“The only ‘what if’ that matters here is what if you’re right about Atlas? What if she really is everything you think she is? Do you really want to drag her down with you?”
“No,” I say. “And that won’t happen. I’ve changed, Talon. She’s making me a better person.”
“It’s all a lie,” Talon shouts.
“No. It’s no lie. What Atlas and I have is real. And you know that as well as I do,” I shout back.
He shakes his head.
“Why can’t you just let this go? After everything we’ve been through together, just let me have this one good thing. Why can’t you do that?” I ask.
“You’re sure she’s the right one for you? That she’s the love of your life?”
I nod.
“Sure enough that you would fight me on this? The guy who saved your life?” he asks.
There’s no anger in his voice now. Just a strange sincerity. Maybe I’m finally getting through to him.
“I’m that fucking sure. She’s mine, Talon, and I’m hers. We were meant to be together,” I say.
“She is only yours because she doesn’t know you. Not the real you. You’re hiding who you are from her. That’s what I mean about this whole thing being a lie. She can’t love you because she doesn’t even know you,” he says.
“Yeah. She does know me. She knows I’ve done terrible things, unspeakable things. And she sees past it. She sees the man I could be. The man I want to be. That makes her—us—worth fighting for,” I reason.
“Did you tell her about Silver Lake?” Talon asks.
Now I know why he sounded so sincere. He was leading me here. To a place I don’t want to go. When he speaks the words, I feel as though a thousand tiny daggers are penetrating my chest. I feel sick, shaken to my very core. And he knew his words would have that effect on me. That’s why he spoke them. He’s not here to see how I’m doing. He’s here to make me doubt everything.
“You didn’t tell her, did you?” he says quietly.
I don’t look at him. I can’t. And I can’t bring myself to reply. We both know I haven’t told Atlas about Silver Lake.
Talon gets up and walks away. He turns back to me.
“Walk away, Kane. Don’t bring her down with you. Because when she finds out about Silver Lake, you’ll see how she really feels about you after she finds out how dark you really are.”
Everyone meets one person in their life they can’t walk away from no matter how toxic they may be. For whatever reason, you feel you owe that person your loyalty. For me, that person has always been Talon. For more reasons than I can count, up until recently—or should I say up until Atlas—our friendship was never a problem.
I stay on the bench for a couple of minutes after he leaves. When I’m sure he’s gone, I stand up and head back to the Tamlo. I honestly can’t decide whether Talon was looking out for me in his own twisted way or threatening me. Was he warning me what will happen when Atlas finds out about Silver Lake, or was he letting me know he’d be the one to tell her if I don’t join him and Quinn?
I know the game he’s playing. I’ve played it many times myself. Making someone feel worthless, like they have nothing or everything to lose, and then manipulating them into following my will. But part of me still clings to the idea of Talon as my best friend. And best friends don’t do that to each other.
But, I remind myself, he’s Quinn plaything now, and her mission seems to be to destroy Atlas by taking everyone away from her. So maybe Talon was trying to get me to walk away from Atlas as part of Quinn’s master plan.
I don’t know, and I don’t want to think about it anymore, but if I don’t think about it, I’ll think about...that night. That night at Silver Lake when I…
No. Just stop, I tell myself.
But I can’t. The events play themselves out for me over and over again, and I feel the familiar shaking sensation come over me again. The one I feel every time my thoughts pull me back there.
I groan in frustration and punch the wall. My fist connects, hard enough for the stinging sensation to stop me from spiraling completely.
How could I have allowed myself to believe that it wouldn’t catch up with me? How could I have allowed myself to believe I might actually be able to turn things around and be good after the evil things I’ve done?
I sigh as I enter the Tamlo and start down the corridor, absently wiping the blood from my knuckles on the inside of my T-shirt.
If Talon’s visit was meant to shake me, to make me doubt myself, it worked. I’m questioning everything now. There are only two things I know for sure.
One, I’d rather die than have Atlas find out about what happened. She’d never be able to look at me the same way again. Hell, she probably wouldn’t be able to look at me at all.
Two, I have to tell her, because if I don’t, Talon will. He’ll do anything to break us up. And the only thing worse than me telling her what I did that night is someone else telling her first.
When I tell her, I know she’ll never forgive me. How could she when I can’t even forgive myself?
I reach the waiting room and peer in. Atlas and the rest of the team sit there, anxiously waiting for news on Regal.
I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to ask Atlas to step into the hallway with me so we can talk alone. And I’m going to tell her what happened. I’m going to give her a reason to walk away from me forever.
I push the door open.
“Atlas?” I say as she looks up at the sound of the door opening.
She doesn’t say anything at first. Instead, she gets to her feet and crosses the room, almost running. She throws herself at me, and almost against my will, my arms encircle her. I know then I won’t tell her. At least not yet.
She just feels so good in my arms, her warm body pressed against mine. Hard, yet fragile. Soft, yet tough. She is a mystery to me in so many ways. And it breaks me to think I will never get to know her, to really understand how the two sides of her merge to make a whole.
“I’m so sorry about earlier, Kane. I know you were only trying to help me, and I shouldn’t have pushed you away. Can you forgive me?”
She’s forgiven me so much. How could I not? Is there anything she could do that I couldn’t forgive? I don’t think there is.
“Of course,” I say into her hair.
I squeeze her tighter, taking in the strawberry scent of her hair, trying to etch it into my memory. I never want to forget this moment, because it might be the last time she lets me hold her this way.
She pulls back from my embrace and frowns.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
I nod. I clear my throat, praying my voice comes out even.
“I’m glad we’re okay,” I say.
It’s lame, but it’s not a complete lie. I am glad we’re okay.
“I was worried when you weren’t in here. I couldn’t find you. I thought maybe you’d left,” she says.
“I’d never leave you,” I say.
It’s that simple. She’ll be the one to leave me, not the other way around.
She frowns again. I’m not exactly selling this idea of everything being fine. Even the others are peering at me like I’m about to have some sort of mental breakdown.
“You’re bleed
ing,” Atlas says, pointing at my hand.
Dammit. This is not going well. I shake my head slightly, shaking some sense into myself.
Fucking get it together, Kane, I tell myself.
I force my mouth into what I hope looks like a self-deprecating grin rather than a grimace.
“I was pissed. I punched a wall. Now I’m good,” I say.
Atlas shakes her head, but she’s smiling. I did it. I convinced her I’m okay. I don’t want to lie to her. I came here ready to tell her the truth. But then I saw her, held her, and I can’t bear the thought of losing her. She’s all I have now, and she’s all I’ll ever want.
I’ll kill Talon myself if that’s what it takes to forget Silver Lake ever happened.
“Not your smartest move, and that’s saying a lot,” Perry comments from behind Atlas.
“That’s rich coming from the date-a-Valkyrie hotline over there,” I smirk.
The team laughs, and for just a moment, I dare to believe it’ll all be okay.
Sadie comes into the waiting room, and the laughter dies, then we see the smile on her face.
“It’s okay. Regal is fine. He’s still a little weak of course, but he’s awake, and he’s asking to see you all,” she says.
The team is up and through the door, ecstatic that we were able to save Regal’s life. Atlas pauses as she passes Sadie and hugs her.
“Thank you,” she says.
I follow her in.
“Thanks,” I mutter as I pass Sadie.
“Anytime,” she replies.
I quicken my pace before she can call me back and start on me to forgive her again. I’m afraid to have that conversation right now because I’m worried I’ll say yes. After all, I want to let myself think Atlas could forgive me for way worse things because I was a different person back then. Maybe the same is true for Sadie. Maybe she has changed.
I’m pleased to enter Regal’s room and be able to focus on him and forget my thoughts for a bit.
“You look good,” Langston says as we find seats. “You know, considering you almost died.”
“Well, that’s good to know.” Regal smiles. “Because I’d hate to be a mess.”
