by Lola StVil
I have the feeling she wants to say something else, but I walk away before she can. As I walk back inside, I hear Saudia’s voice.
“Where have you been all day? You missed something really important,” Saudia says.
“Out and about. Nowhere important,” Tracey says. “And to be honest, I’m getting a bit fed up of you checking up on me all the time.”
“I wasn’t checking up on you. I was just asking. I love you, Tracey; you know that, and I’m trying my best to trust you, but it’s hard. I’ve been burned a lot in the past, and I want to be sure that you’re done with the drugs for good,” Saudia says.
She doesn’t sound angry. She sounds like she’s desperate for reassurance. Tracey either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.
“Try harder, Saudia. You say you love me, but then you act like this. You have to let go of the past,” Tracey snaps.
I don’t hear Saudia’s answer as I continue towards the lounge. Can we ever really let go of the past though? I sure as hell hope Atlas can because that’s my only hope of us staying together.
I walk into the lounge, and instantly, I feel eyes burning into me. Perry, Langston, and Regal stare at me, and I can almost feel the animosity coming from them.
“What? Did Atlas tell you I was the one who drank the last of the milk and put the carton back in the fridge?” I joke.
They all continue to glare at me. Atlas won’t look at anyone. What the hell have I missed?
“Seriously. What’s going on?” I say.
Langston clears her throat and looks away, and Perry and Regal both look away from me too.
“Nothing’s going on,” Langston mutters.
“I told them what Sadie said,” Atlas says.
That’s when it hits me. I glare at each of the team, in turn, feeling the utter disbelief coursing through me along with burning anger.
“And let me guess. You guys all automatically assumed I’m the one helping Quinn?” I say.
I shake my head. I can’t believe it. After I stood up there on the roof and defended them all, this is how their loyalties work.
“No one said that,” Langston almost whispers.
None of them will meet my eye now. They all look down at the ground, shifting awkwardly.
“You didn’t have to,” I say quietly.
I remind myself that the only person I care about is Atlas. As long as she knows I wouldn’t do this, that’s all that matters.
I glance at her. She looks as uncomfortable as the rest of the team, and I feel a sinking feeling deep inside of me. This is what Sadie meant about not letting this come between us. She didn’t mean me not supporting her. She meant this. The suspicion.
After everything I’ve done for Atlas, I don’t think I should have to prove my loyalty to her again. I know that’s what Sadie was telling me in her annoying, cryptic fashion. But I think she talked to the wrong person. She should have talked to Atlas. Reminded her that I’ve stood by her since the moment I met her.
This is so fucked up. I need to know she believes in me, but at the same time, I’m almost afraid to ask her because I’m scared of the answer. I weigh all of this up in my mind in a split second, and I decide I have to know.
I close the gap between Atlas and me in two strides. The tension in the room is almost unbearable. After everything, the team thinks I’m going to hurt her. Well fuck them. I’d never do that.
“Atlas, I need to know right now whether or not you think I did this,” I say, my voice much calmer than I feel.
Perry jumps in before Atlas can respond.
“Look, Kane, no one wants to believe you did this. But we all know how much you hate Regal. And you and Quinn are family,” he says.
I did hate Regal, but for a while there, I thought we could move past it. And if I wanted Regal dead, he’d be dead. It’s that simple. I wouldn’t need Quinn to hold my hand. And if he thinks family means anything to me, then he hasn’t been paying attention.
That’s what I should say. It’s the truth. But I don’t. I don’t say anything because I don’t think I should have to beg them to see that I’m not a fucking traitor.
“And it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve switched sides,” Perry adds.
“No, but I didn’t hear any of you complaining when I was risking my life to save all of yours,” I say.
“Did you poison me?” Regal demands, glaring at me.
It takes every little bit of willpower I have not to reach out and snap his neck. I glare back at him, ignoring his question. It doesn’t deserve an answer, and even if I told him no, it’s clear they’ve all made their minds up about me.
“You’re not even going to deny it?” Regal says. “Atlas, I think this says it all.”
“I think all this says is that Kane is fed up with trying to prove himself to people who clearly don’t have any trust in him,” Atlas says coolly.
That should help. It should tell me that she at least believes me. But it doesn’t. Because she paused. It was a couple of seconds that felt like a couple of months. And it hurt like a bitch.
It suddenly occurs to me that the only person who believed this couldn’t have been me without me having to persuade them of that fact was Sadie. She told Atlas and me at the same time because she knew I wouldn’t do this. And when she tried to persuade Atlas to keep it quiet, it was because she knew this would happen. That’s what she wanted to warn me about on the roof. She wasn’t trying to protect Atlas. She was trying to protect me.
Maybe she’s not so bad after all, or maybe I only feel that way because she’s the only person who didn’t automatically believe the worst of me.
I know one thing for sure though. I’m done with this team. I’m done saving them and getting them out of life-threatening situations. They can all rot in hell for all I care.
I hear a laugh bubbling out of me. The team looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have.
“Sorry,” I say through the laughter.
“It’s just I find it funny, you know? You’re all so quick to blame me for this, and yet you’re all the ones who are lying to each other. You all go behind each other’s backs; you kiss each other, date each other, and lie through your teeth to each other. And you all dare to stand there and judge me,” I say. “Take a real look at each other and wake the fuck up.”
“So, who do you think it is? Seeing as we’re all liars and backstabbers?” Perry demands.
“Actually, I don’t think it’s any of you. Atlas pointed out that it could very well be a case of Quinn coming in here and helping herself to whatever she needed. And I think she’s probably right,” I say.
I can see the ashamed look on Langston’s face, and it makes me feel a little better.
“I would like to thank each and every one of you for not even considering offering me the same benefit of the doubt and proving to me that no matter how much a person tries to do the right thing, it’ll never be enough. That no matter how loyal I am to you all, you’ll always think the worst of me,” I say.
“Kane, that’s not true. I don’t believe you would betray us. I never did,” Atlas says.
“I only wish that was true. Now I know what you all think, I’m done with this. To hell with all of you,” I say angrily.
I turn and walk away from them and storm towards the front door. I pass Saudia and Tracey, who are heading back to the lounge.
“What’s going on?” Saudia says, reaching out to stop me from pushing past her.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” I snap.
“I honestly have no idea,” she says.
“You expect me to believe you don’t think I’m the one working with Quinn?” I say, glaring at her.
Tracey sidles past me and goes into the lounge. A wash of voices comes out as the team all argue amongst themselves.
“Quite frankly, I don’t care what you believe,” Saudia says, her own anger obvious. “But for the record, no, I don’t think you’re working with Quinn.”
&nb
sp; I don’t know what it is, but something tells me she’s speaking the truth. Maybe it’s the fact she looks me dead in the eye as she says it. Or maybe it’s because of everyone, Saudia would be the one to tell me if she thought it was me.
“Well, thanks,” I say quietly. “But you’re the only one.”
I push past her then. I hear the lounge door open again and Saudia’s voice.
“You guys think it was Kane after everything he risked for Atlas?” she demands.
Yeah. She believes me. I wish it were enough, but it’s not. Atlas paused. She had to think about it.
I slam the door behind me and begin walking with no destination in mind. I need to shake off some of my anger and, yes, my hurt. I hear footsteps running up behind me, and I know it’s Atlas without having to turn around.
“Go away. Get back to your ‘Kane’s a traitor’ party.”
“Oh, just stop it. Listen to yourself, Kane. Talk about a chip on your shoulder,” she shouts.
I do stop then, and I whirl around to face her. The anger on her face almost stops me short, but not quite.
“The chip on my shoulder? Are you kidding me? After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t trust me. And you expect me to be okay with that? Well, let me tell you something, Atlas. I’m not okay with that. Not even a little bit,” I shout.
“Oh, Kane,” she says, the anger draining away. “I do trust you. And I swear to you that I don’t think, even for a second, that you’re working with Quinn.”
I want to believe her, but I can’t stop thinking about how she paused.
“You sure didn’t sound like it back there. Regal outright accused me of poisoning him, and you had to pause before you told him I wouldn’t do that. Do you know how much that hurts?”
“He didn’t accuse you. He asked you. I paused because I thought it would sound better coming from you, but then you didn’t say anything. Why?”
“Because I’m done trying to prove myself to people who will always see the worst in me,” I reply.
“Look, I don’t believe that you would do this, of course I don’t. But try to see it from the team’s point of view. You’re new to them, and you have a less-than-stellar past. It’ll take time for them to trust you,” she says.
Suddenly it hits me. Tracey is new to the team, and she has a less-than-stellar past. Even Saudia doesn’t trust her, as much as wants to. Could she be the traitor?
It makes perfect sense. She keeps going missing for hours on end, and she never fully explains where she’s been. Saudia thinks she’s still an addict. Well, what if her addiction is just a cover for where she’s really been?
“Maybe it’s…” I start.
I catch myself before I speak. I’m doing the same thing to Tracey that I’ve just condemned the team for doing. Judging her based on her past. But what if I’m right? I should at least tell Atlas so she knows to keep an eye on her, right?
I remind myself that Saudia was the only person on the team who genuinely believed I didn’t do it. Atlas only came after me after Saudia’s reaction to their accusations. I’m not going to stab her in the back by turning the team’s suspicions on the girl she loves.
Atlas is waiting for me to go on, and I have to say something. I’m far from ready to forgive her for doubting me, because I know she did, even though she won’t admit it, so what can I say that doesn’t reveal what I’m thinking and doesn’t let her off the hook?
“Maybe it is trust that’s the problem, but here’s a question. How much time did it take for you to trust Regal enough to kiss him?” I demand.
Dammit. I promised myself I wouldn’t go there again, but it still weighs on my mind, and at the moment, it’s what I blurted out. And I know it will distract Atlas from what I was thinking.
“Oh, not this again,” she shouts. “Dammit, Kane. How many times do I have to tell you that it was a mistake that meant nothing?”
“Bullshit,” I snap. “I heard you and Regal talking earlier. It sure as hell meant something to him, didn’t it?”
Atlas frowns.
“So, now you’re spying on me again?” she snaps.
Not what I was expecting. She kissed someone else, and somehow, I’m still being made out to be the bad guy here. How does that even work?
“No. I wasn’t. But I heard you talking, and then I heard Regal confessing his undying love for you, so I think you can understand why I didn’t walk away,” I say.
“Well, then you’ll have heard me telling him I didn’t return his feelings,” she says.
“No, Atlas. What I heard was a pause. Just like the one I heard back there when I needed to know you had my back. And we all know what a pause means,” I shout.
“Stop yelling, Kane. I’m not a damn child. And you know what a pause means? It means I’m thinking of how to word something. I don’t have feelings for Regal, but it doesn’t mean I want to hurt him. Okay? A pause is what grown-ups do when they don’t want to just blurt out the first thought that pops into their head without any thought as to how their words affect the other person,” she says.
“So, now you think I don’t think before I speak?” I fire back.
“I didn’t say that. Believe it or not, not everything is about you, Kane,” she snaps.
“Yeah. I got that. I don’t think anything is about me anymore,” I say, quieter now.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Atlas asks warily.
“I just…what even are we? Like why the fuck do we keep pretending? We both know that when it comes down to it, you’ll end up with a guy like Regal,” I say.
“Kane, I’m not pretending. And if you really think I’d leave you for Regal, then you don’t know me at all. I love you, and I always will,” she replies.
She sounds genuine, and that hurts more than anything. She does love me. And I’m tearing her apart.
“Why?” I say.
“Why what?”
“Why do you love me?”
“You know why. I mean after everything…”
“You mean after I killed your father. After I killed the bus driver. After I killed countless people,” I interrupt.
She shakes her head. She’s as frustrated as I am.
“Why are you being like this? I don’t have time for this drama now. I know you, Kane, and I know you didn’t betray the team. Isn’t that enough?”
All of the anger drains out of me as the truth comes back to me once more. The truth she doesn’t know about Silver Lake. I feel broken, drained.
“No. Because you don’t know me, Atlas. Not really. You think you do,” I reply.
She can see that something in me has changed, that my anger is gone. My shield is down, and she sees the broken pieces beneath it.
“Kane,” she says.
I can hear tears in her voice, and she reaches out to touch my face. I pull away. I can’t let her back in. I can’t. I have to let her go.
“Atlas, if you knew the terrible things I’ve done, you wouldn’t be saying that. You’d be running as fast and as far as you could away from me. Maybe you should be with Regal. He’s one of the good guys, and you deserve that,” I say.
“No,” she exclaims, shaking her head.
She looks alarmed.
“That’s my decision. Not yours. And I choose you. Always. You’re the one I want to be with,” she insists.
And I know I have to see this through. I have to let her go before I break her the way I am broken. I can’t be the one to extinguish her light.
The words stick in my throat, tearing a hole through me, but I force them out.
“Well, here’s the thing, Atlas. Maybe I don’t want that. Maybe I don’t want you.”
It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told, and I hate myself for hurting her this way, but I have to. I have to let her be happy.
“Kane…” she starts.
I give her a sad smile.
“Goodbye, Disney,” I say as I turn and walk away from her.
As I walk away from A
tlas, I feel as though I’m walking away from the only good thing I’ve ever had. Each step feels like I have a thousand tons pressing down on me. I’d give anything to take it back, to hold her and tell her I’ll always be here. But that would be selfish, and I can’t be selfish anymore. I should be proud of myself. I’ve finally made the hard choice: the choice a good guy would make. But I don’t feel proud. I don’t feel anything. I feel empty.
Her footsteps ring out behind me again, and I can hear that she’s shouting my name, but I ignore her. If I look back, see her face, I know I won’t be able to see this through. Suddenly, she’s running, and before I can react, she’s in front of me.
The tears pouring down her face break me even more than I thought possible, and I want to reach out and brush them away. If anyone else made her cry, I’d kill them, but it’s me who has hurt her. Me who has broken her heart. Looking into her face at that moment, all the logic goes away. I can’t just walk away from her.
“Are you saying we’re over?” Atlas asks me quietly.
I want to tell her no, that I was wrong. That I want her forever and always. But how can I when I know that she’ll walk away from me when she finds out about Silver Lake? How can I drag this out, lying to her about who I am?
But how can I let her go?
“Kane. Answer me. Are we over?” she demands.
She looks into my eyes, and I can’t drag my gaze away from hers. It feels like she’s seeing me, deep down into my very soul, and she’s not running away. I take a half step towards her, so full of emotion that I couldn’t answer her with words even if I knew what to say. I feel myself shaking my head before I can stop myself.
“No, I…” I say.
“Atlas,” Perry shouts from behind me.
He’s running towards us.
“Not now, Perry,” Atlas and I both snap at the same time.
Neither of us looks at him. We share a smile as we both shout out to Perry at the same time, and that shared moment gives me fresh hope. Maybe we can get past everything after all.
“Yes, now,” Perry says as he reaches us. “We have a lead on Loom. He was seen recently going into a warehouse in the Bronx. We have to go. Now.”
Atlas nods.
